And realizes how god damn lonely it is in this world.

so well said -

no opinion/no belief is allowed to go unchallenged....

best just to keep quiet....

That's odd, many of the friends I have came to be friends because we disagreed on something, and we didn't keep quiet about it with each other.

Finding people who are open to honest, critical, even raucous (but not mean) discussion helps me learn, and makes me new friends.

Just keep quiet?

No, thanks. :)

We tend to assess our human value according to what we think others think about us. That is a self defeating way to approach life. We can never and will never be able to stand on our heads well enough and long enough to assure the approval and acceptance of others.

To find peace and fulfillment in our lives, we have to let go of the want/need for validation of others and recognize the value of self love first and foremost.

If we are lacking in self love, we really have nothing to offer those around us, thus the downward spiral of loneliness is perpetuated. To find acceptance is nice but if it becomes imperative that we have it, the need for it will bring us down.

Notmadeforthesetimes, I fully get where you are coming from.There has been such a change in how people connect in these past few years. Even within our extended family, when we used to send greeting cards, it's all done with texting now.Long lasting and deep friendships are hard to find anymore. I am by nature a very friendly and giving soul, and find it hard to find genuine friendly people.

I've been intensely lonely myself at times. It gets better. Trust that it will, when it's time. Time has its way. Sure, why do things just keep coming as if life is relentless? It's not life that's relentless but you. Your higher self keeps arranging life to awaken you to higher realities because you are a higher being. Just because the church is a bunch of crap doesn't mean the fundamentally observable parts of being are false. There are a lot of blocks to break through before you get to the point of that being obvious. Blocks aren't bad. They just mean you have enough on your plate. When a block is removed, you move on to the next thing. If you're not ready for the next thing, nature helps you by providing a block. It's a very divine way of working because you are divine, and in fact this whole thing is divine. Even hell is divine, as a state of mind you can lead yourself into. Nobody is thrust anywhere. You create your own hell and you create your own heaven. Hell means you're on a really intense spiritual journey. Your higher self is being insanely courageous. But then, that's intrinsic.

So about those blocks, loneliness is one of those blocks that's there to help you. It won't always be there. The teacher, you, will remove it when the student, you, is ready. The question isn't "When will life be good enough for me?", but "When will I be good enough for life?". You're not being good for God, you're being good for yourself. It's the ultimate selfish act.

Since when was anything, or anyone, not good enough? Don't get me started on TSCC's ludicrous (and very destructive) worthiness doctrine. That's a ton of manure piled on top of poor Jesus, like one of those art pieces Christians find so offensive. They give you reasons to not like yourself because that's how they control you. They steal from you that which is most precious, your free will. Look at the kind of blinders Mormons put up to remain Mormon in the modern age. Brainwashing is not free will. You were always good enough.

This is the way it was for me but I am not inferring this is the root cause of loneliness for anyone else.

My first years out of the church and out of BYU in my mid twenties were painfully lonely. The pain was palpable. The feeling I carried inside was unfathomably dense and crippling.

It wasn't the world around me. It was me. This perfect little Mormon had developed no personality whatsoever because of the BIC upbringing combined with a natural need to please. Intense Mormon upbringing, mission,BYU. I had done my whole life what was expected of me. I was a blank slate anyone could write on. I was boring as batshit, didn't know it, and couldn't understand why I had no friends. On top of that, most of my personality revolved around protecting myself.

I read a book or an article then by some famous hostess on the New York social scene about how she put her famous dinner parties together. She explained that as a guest, it is your obligation to bring something to the party. She wasn't talking flowers, or a bottle of wine, or a hostess gift. She was talking bringing a personality. A fun story. A curiosity. A good ear for listening. A new joke. Some black humor. Anything. Anything but just sitting there saying nothing which is as bad as hogging the conversation.

I got it. It wasn't about anyone liking me or wanting to know me. It suddenly became about me liking them. I saw myself as a part of whole that only had value through contribution. I read magazines by the score and had lots of tidbits in mind that could cause stimulating conversations. I loosened up and lost the need to impress after I realized I was still dragging a facade along with me everywhere even though it was no longer my Mormon facade. I slowly but surely developed a personality. I actually became fun to be with. Dry humor, a wink, a smile, a good ear, and an oddball comment is where it is at.

Oddly enough, I have come full circle. I am still happiest alone and am an extreme introvert. But it doesn't hurt to be alone anymore because I have choices, options. My life is on purpose now.

I do believe that Mormonism robs some of us of ourselves. When you spend time being what you think you should be instead of what you are then maturation is stunted. But, it doesn't matter how long you spent in the chrysalis--you can always unfold.

To this day, the worst phrase I have ever heard from my Mormon upbringing is, "Be in the world but not of the world." Being taught to fear the world outside of Mormonism nearly ruined my life. Strangely, it was also the catalyst for me getting out. Deep down I just could not fear the real world or look down on it, or look down on my real self anymore.

I felt like mormonism was always trying to force me to be the leader, the star of the show, the one who makes things happen. I was never interested in being that. In fact, if I would have tried to go along with that it would have destroyed me. I didn't fit that mould, and I was fine with that.

I learned long ago that my favorite person to hang out with is me. Especially if I have a paintbrush in my hand and a project. A good book is also a favorite thing for me.

I always figured i'd be just fine if I ended up one of those people at the end of the street that hardly anyone knows. The artist, gardener, collector of odd things. That's more or less who i've always been. I've rarely felt lonely or bored. I've spent the last couple of years learning all about mormonism. I think i've learned enough and it's almost time to move onto a different topic. Mormonism is interesting, but it most certainly isn't a happy topic. It's a toxic stew that's sucked the life out of 6 generations of my family. I'm the one that put a stop to it in my line. The other couple hundred people are still drinking the Kool-aid.

High five! I almost crave being the oddball on the end of the street now. Gardener/artist/collector of odd things here too and some writing. And I am the only one in the family to get out of the cult. Your. post feels like along lost letter from kin. Thanks. And, Good for you.

With a poster that popped up again:

"Oh, Aunt Pol," he said, very close to tears. "What's the matter, dear?" she asked, carefully smoothing his hair.
"I'm so *lonely.*"
"Is *that* all?"

He lifted his head and stared at her incredulously. He had not expected that at all.

"Everyone is lonely, dear," she explained, drawing him close to her. "We touch other people only briefly, then we're alone again. You'll get used to it in time."

David Eddings, Castle of Wizardry.

From that post:

"I also remember being told in psych 101 that it's called the interpersonal gap.

'I'm not sure we ever feel the kinds of deep connections like we did as adolescents and young adults. Back then, everything seemed so intense and new. Some days I feel truly connected to the people who know me best and then other days I feel like an island in the middle of the Pacific. There's ways to feel that deep, intense connection again with others, but they're not to be discussed here, lol."

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,833305,834574

My dog has made me so much happier. We play and walk and run together, and then I get to snuggle up with him all night. And his paws smell like warm digestive biscuits.

Loneliness? Sure, always. Being nevermo, in an Assisted Living surrounded by very elderly, very TBMs is most definitely a lonely and sad existence.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/23/2017 06:23PM by cinda.

My husband was young and in a nursing home.

:(

I don't recall being lonely. Maybe it's how I'm wired. Seem to have missed that.

"Give me solitude, sweet solitude.
But in that solitude give me still one friend
to whom I can murmur:
"Solitude is sweet!"

-Elbert Hubbard

The world sorely lacks the 'one friend' who will be there as a friend, not acquaintance or associate, but, at your side as a friend.

I did not like being lonely. It was a major part of my life for many years. Then, gradually, I learned that it was a condition that I set up for myself.

As soon as I started putting myself out there in the big world, and doing it consistently, I started making friends. And meeting more friends. Some of them have become very close friends.

In all honesty, it doesn't matter what means people use to communicate with each other. Or what the Times are. What matters is that you put yourself out there, somehow, over and over. And listen to what others have to say. And treat them with respect and friendliness. Be open and let them be open with you.

You'll find some people will treat you the same way, and you will make friends. It takes some time, and (if you are as hellishly shy as I used to be) some real effort on your part. But it is perfectly possible to do.

I can be friendly, but have never had close friends. Find them too restrictive. I guess a lot of people just have to have someone to do something with. Just seems they rarely want to do what I'm interested in.

I've come to realize I'm an odd duck. I grow food in garden and milk cow, orchard, etc. People ask why I do that when I can buy food in the store. Duh.

I just like experimenting. There's always some way to do it better, which keeps me going.