Posted by:
Breeze
(
)
Date: August 03, 2017 02:27PM
Thank you, Shapeshifter, for this post! I can relate to everything you said!
This is what I experienced, also, growing up as a BIC cult victim. I was labeled as being naive and gullible. I, also, had very low self-esteem, because I was not perfect. Moreover, my bully big brother was allowed to beat me, whenever he felt like it. He was mentally ill, and I was rewarded if I put up with his abuse and torture, and punished if I struck back or whined.
I learned how to be friendly and open and honest and approachable, and those other social skills, in order to please the arrogant Mormon boys. My parents and Young Women leaders taught me to judge myself according to what kind of wife I would be--like I was a commodity to sell to some temple-worthy Mormon man, someday. Fortunately, my social skills opened me up to a wide variety of very fine individuals, in my non-Mormon, California community. I fell in love with two atheists (not at the same time), and enjoyed a deep, long-lasting friendship with each one, which, over the years, grew into real love. My parents insisted that I marry a temple Mormon, and sent me to BYU, where I was barraged with the kind of superficial love-bombing that you describe. The men thought I was from a wealthy family, though my father made a break with the wealth, to go his own way. All the men saw was someone healthy, well-dressed, good-natured, humble, and a meal-ticket to pay for their education. BYU was full of jerks. I met a good-looking all-State linebacker at Berkeley, who was a Mormon returned missionary. They had called him "The Smiling Elder", on his mission, and he was from a GA family. Within 5 months after meeting this smooth talker, we were married in the temple, I was working to put him through school, and he was making me do his school work for him, and beating me, almost every day. That smile had hidden a lifetime of violent assaults--some of them on his sister, who I did not meet until AFTER we were married. He put me in the hospital, and strangled me until I stopped breathing, more than once. He would apologize, and cry, and pray, and I would try again. I went to the university library, and read everything I could find about wife-beaters and psychopaths, and learned that their aggression has nothing to do with the victim, at all. Even with intense therapy, these thugs never change. I decided I wanted to live, so I got a divorce.
I was taught that EVERY Mormon was a brother or sister to be trusted!
I am in therapy now, recovering from PTSD, and learning how to not be a victim, anymore.
Shapeshifter wrote: "It's something so familiar to me still that I almost immediately get hooked when someone gives me a lot of excessive shallow flattering attention. And those people always end up being abusive in some way and manipulators."
This type of behavior is a red flag. All I can advise people to do is GET MORE INFORMATION. I should have met my abusive ex's family, before getting married to him! My parents barely knew him, and were fooled my his act--they were just eager to have me marry a Temple Mormon, and not an atheist. Maybe my parents didn't know me on that deeper level, either.
One thing that is reassuring: You can trust your first gut-reaction! At BYU, I suffered a mugging and an attempted rape. I met other BYU Mormons, who later abuse some of my roommates and dorm mates. Every time, my first impression of these perps was bad. Think about your own experiences. How did you feel about these awful people BEFORE they had a chance to cajole and flatter and brag? The first time I saw my abusive ex was in the Berkeley bookstore. He was talking to my good friend, and my first impulse was to go over there and rescue her! The first time I met my dorm mates' bully boyfriends, they disgusted me.
Like with the Mormon cult, the process of brainwashing and manipulating takes some time. This is why the cult grabs children from infancy, with the "BIC" hype, and baptizes them when they are only 8. Primary works hard to brainwash children, before they become too wise. Un-brainwashed children have an innate wisdom to know who REALLY LOVES them and who does not. They can sense good from evil. So could you and I, as children. Then, the cult intruded into our lives, and told us evil was good and good was evil, and that we should trust all Mormons, and especially those with "authority" over us. I trusted my parents to choose a husband for me. I trusted my parents to protect me from my brother. They failed.
Sorry to ramble. My point is that you are correct to look closely, and see through the act. The more you do this, the more quickly you can make these self-preservative judgements. Your gut will tell you, BEFORE they have a chance to seduce you with their lies!
My learning how to do this has not made me more paranoid or afraid. Quite the contrary! I can now see the good in others, and I enjoy genuine, deep relationships with my family and friends. Also, I enjoy shallow acquaintances, such as tennis and bicycling buddies, neighbors, co-workers, volunteers. Some of those have led to friendships, but most have not. It's OK to not let everyone into your soul. We do need boundaries!