So just to forwarn anyone this is a LONG story. So let's start from the beginning. I believed in the church sort of. I never got that BIG feeling many mormons claim to have. However because of peer pressure I just "went with the flow". I was pressured into putting my mission papers in and I did. At the time I had about three grand saved up and a job. However, I had no car because my parents just let me use their car because i would be going on the sales mission in about a year from when I started working. Anyways my papers were submitted, and I even got my mission call. I started to read stuff that proved the mormon church was a fraud. And then it was the day to buy my expensive as hell mission clothes and supplies. I told my mom no but again I was some how pressured into going with it. However, it now being August (I'm supposed to be leaving at the end of september) I no longer want to go on a mission and no longer want to be a member of the LDS church. It would be all fine and such if I didn't now only have ninety dollars in savings, actually had a car, and if I hadn't already put in my two weeks at my job. However I was everyone's favorite at that job so I could so easily get it back. A lot of people are also ex mormons at my job so yeah it would be VERY easy to get my job back. However, with only ninety dollars left in my savings I would be in a pretty shitty position if I were kicked out. I think I can still return most of my mission stuff and get about $1,100 back to pay for a car. However, if I'm kicked out there's no way to get my mission clothes to return in the first place. The final problem is I have WAY strict parents. At church they act the ussual very nice, I do nothing wrong type of people. However, when at home they are very forceful and they like to make sure that if I were to leave them I would be in the worst position possible financialy (probably why they never let me buy a car). Anyways I just am so confused right now and sorry for the long post. What is the best way to tell them in which they might not kick me out or disown me. Emphasis on might though because mormon parents can be very forceful and love to brainwash.

Rather than trying to control their reaction (I don't think you can) why not come up with a plan B. Assume they're going to kick you out. Can you get your clothes out of the house before you tell them. Can you sleep on someone's couch for a few months until you can afford renting a room. Certainly get your old job back and maybe let someone you trust know what's going on.

It depends on them I think, you can be as kind as possible but if they have the idea (just like my bishop had) that the mission is optional but not that optional because it is a commandment, it would be difficult for them to understand you.
I hope they see you as their son and they continue to love you because of this.
IMO you must be sincere and talk to them as polite/kind as possible and make sure they understand that you still love/appreciate them but you don't believe in mormonism anymore and you can't preach something that you don't believe.

I feel your pain i actually made an attempt on my life and that pretty much ended all.religious pressure for a while but they all thought i was crazy ever since.

So (responding to OP) don't try that route.

Would it be possible to tell your parents that you would like to delay the mission for a bit? Maybe tell them that you're not feeling ready to leave home? I'm sure that won't go over well either, but it might be better than saying you're not going at all and it might buy you some time to get yourself in a better financial position.

Not that I can add anything further, except to remind you (and the church probably never told you), that as far as I know, only a couple of the current leaders of the LDS church went on a mission, maybe none.

And military service *may* be their excuse, but they still could have gone on a mission if it was that important...

I think you've got to tell them the truth, and as Devoted Exmo said, hope for the best; but plan for the worst. Being thrown out isn't the end of the world. Even without a car. Make a plan, make the best of it, then tell the truth. You may even be pleasantly surprised (but I doubt it. Your parents probably will go to full-on control--which means punish into submission). The good news is, once you've survived the worst they can do, you'll never fear them again; and you'll be an adult.

Tell them and be ready for a blowup. They have no right to be strict with you now because you are an adult and have a right to make your own adult decisions.

You might have to find another job, move out and feel at loose ends until you can adjust. Eventually, your parents might come around and accept that you have rights.

You will need a car. Start to plan how to get one.

You're very brave and very smart to find out the truth and act on it before setting out to do a mission which might crush your spirit and waste a chunk of your young life.

Stay strong and I wish you good luck.

Tell them you are joining the Marines instead. You want to go fight for 'peace.' Maybe they'll bargain with you to pay for schooling if you won't. Worth a try. ;)

I'm a 20-year veteran of the USAF. Not saying that this is the right thing for you but it was pretty good for me. The GI bill gave me a free art education and all of my expenses were paid for. I'm just saying there are other options out there that don't end with homelessness or suicide.

Return the clothes now. When they won't notice.

Get your job back.

Resign from the church.

Bum rides to work until you can get a car.

Make sure your checking and other bank accounts are in your name only!

Move any items you may want to keep to a friends or a storage locker.

Good luck

You have to say something.

It might be a bit duplicitous but I would suggest that you loop in the bishop of your parent's ward. You should explain that for now you must decline the mission call and ask for the bishop's help in communicating with your parents. The bishop and parents will ask for some specificity but I would resist the urge to try and justify your unbelief to them. They wouldn't understand. Keep it as simple as possible and keep the door open.

But you have to say something. This is a huge deal.

Tell your parents you plan to spend two years telling people the truth about the church. How a treasure digging con artist with the help of his closest friends invented the BoM, scammed a gullible Martin Harris out of his farm to pay for its printing, and went on a wild spree of sexual decadence and self aggrandizement until his high crimes and misdemeanors were ended by a mob.

Hopefully you'll meet some Native Americans so you can tell them about Brigham Young's campaign of genocide against the Timpanogas people. How he gave them sacks of flour with ground up glass, so they (and their women and children) would die gruesome deaths.

You can teach women how Joseph Smith "married" other men's wives in secret after sending their husbands on missions. How he married his foster daughters and spent their inheritance. How women who were brave enough to spurn his advances were publicly slandered and ruined by this silver tongued devil.

You can tell blacks about the "Curse of Cain" doctrine that is still widely believed even though the church was pressured to grant blacks full "rights" in 1972. You can tell gays about how the church ignores science to maintain its bigoted position against them and their children.

Tell the folks how you'll be educating your fellow classmates at MTC in all the ways science has disproven the BoM and BoA. How the church has known for 50 years that the BoA is a fraud. Seriously, they know and they admit it. Once the jig was up on the BoA, the church of your parents ended. They decided to continue as a cult and correlate their teachings to form a full fledged cult with any independent thought tightly controlled and subtly quashed.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/18/2017 09:40AM by bradley.

I feel your pain! A couple of thoughts--first, it's important that you don't do anything that puts YOU in jeopardy of a place to live. In other words, until you're in a safe position, don't do anything too drastic and be kicked out of the house. Do you have other relatives or grandparents you could live with? Even if they're TBMs, you can endure some pressure.

Perhaps, you could tell your parents that you just aren't ready for the mission. I would NOT bring up the fact that you don't believe in the church anymore. There's time to tell them that later. Let them know that you're not ready to go out, but would like to once you've learned more about the church and what it takes to be a successful missionary. Soften the blow, but stay firm in repeating you're not ready to go.

You could possibly say to them that you'd like to do some service work in your neighborhood (even with the church) that helps people. If they pressure you, just keep saying, you're not ready.

Also, if you try to postpone your mission, your parents may think that you've been immoral. Reassure them that worthiness has nothing to do with your decision, you just need more time.

As others have said,get your old job back immediately.

I'm sorry you're going through this. If it helps, you're not alone. I live in a very heavily populated LDS neighborhood and a lot of young people come home early from missions due to homesickness and depression.

If it helps to post here, most folks here are very understanding and have gone through similar situations in our exiting Mormonism. Hugs, The Boner.

Everyone above has covered your options, I think.
I just wanted to add that you're very courageous.

I caved to the pressure. I didn't want to go, but I went.
And I wasted two years of my life, and (sort of like you) spent all my savings (I had a car, a wonderful '67 Mustang that I'd lovingly restored, and I *sold it* to pay for the stupid mission!).

You're my hero. I wish you the best. And if you do get kicked out and need a few bucks, let me know -- I'll help.

Tell the bishop you self-abuse. He will decide you're not worthy and put off your recommend or whatever they give you for a mission.

Brilliant.
Yep, you're a masturbator. Can't help it. Twice a day at least. Tried many times to stop, and haven't been able to.

No mission for you :)

Haha the thing is I wouldn't be lying so even better!

Mom and Dad, I'm a wanker! Just ask my friend The Boner on RfM! ...911: what is your emergency?

The funny part is everybody masterbates even my self righteous father looked at porn for 13 years and wanked it behind everyone's back which blew my mind the hypocrite gave me shit for looking at porn when i was younger the bastard.

Same with my dad. When I was way younger before I had my own smartphone I needed to look up something online for school. Of course my dad who doesent know anything about tech left about three tabs of porn open. He also only deleted his google search history, and never thought of something called browser history. Yeah what a hypocrite ass hole.

Yeah he got caught by my sister but i think the porn found on the computer got blamed on.me

I joined the Army.

Joining the service may not be a bad idea. I'd suggest Coast Guard or Navy unless you like pounding desert sand out of odd places.

That would solve housing, clothing and even the need for a car for a bit.

A friend's son (who oddly enough became Mormon so he could get into his girlfriend's magic underwear) did really well in the Coast Guard.

I second this. You will be out of the house, off your mission, away from your parents and able to practice (or not) any faith you choose, see the world, learn a skill or trade, and have the chance to let the military fund your education when your are out. The downside is that you are going from one organization that completely controls your every move to another, but at least with the military, you will be getting some benefits (like a paycheck, housing, skills) and you know it will end.

If you return the clothes, you will probably have enough money for a roommate situation. Look in the newspaper classifieds under "Roommates Wanted," on Craigslist, or on the bulletin board of your local community college. Get the job back. Look into public or alternative transportation options. I didn't have a car until I was 26, and I got around just fine. You can as well. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Very good advice. However a cars almost needed as we live in this very small town called Tooele in utah that's about 30 minutes from downtown Salt Lake. It's also not just another suburb of Salt Lake, as to get to Salt Lake you have to go around a mountain. This towns so small the only transportation available is bus which leaves at very odd times. However, I think it would maybe work out for a while until I find a higher paying job in Salt Lake. I plan to move to Arizona once I can get a job as a web developer and have enough money saved up but that won't be for a long time.

Thanks everyone for the great advice. Way nicer than how the LDS church would respond (not surprising). Just to clarify some points. My main reasons for leaving are (in brief): 1)Church History 2)Joseph Smith....enough said 3)I got my endowments and damn what a weird experience....didnt feel spiritual at all, all I felt was weirdness. 4)Being told doing certain things would make me feel guilty like drinking coffee, masturbation,etc. However I'm actually happier and less depressed. In the future I'll write a full account and go into greater detail as to why I left the LDS church. Again, thanks everyone for the great advice!

Im glad im not the only one that thinks the endowment is weird and ive only seen it online its nice for it to be confirmed by someone thats done it, you made my night kid.

The angels can't watch it without cracking up.

The same goes goes for masturbation.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/20/2017 12:38AM by BYU Boner.

If you are one of my family members from Tooele, keep kicking ass because they need it.

You got this thing. It's going to suck, and may be one of the lost difficult conversations you've ever had, but it will be worth it.

That almost sounded like a mormon platitude.

I don't have any advice for you, I just want to let you know how sorry I feel for you. It really sucks that your parents have put you in this horrible position. It makes me absolutely furious that parents will force their kids into going on missions, and then disown them if they don't go. All because it will hurt their image amongst family and ward members. Of course I didn't realize how messed up that was, until I left the church.
I have three fairly young boys and when I was going to church, I secretly didn't want to send them on missions. It scared me to death to send them out to foreign countries at such a young age. Plus I didn't like the fact that I'd have to pay for it on top of the tithing and fast offerings. I knew my husband wouldn't be opposed to that, but I knew I'd hear an earful from my parents if I didn't make them go. Luckily, I was able to leave three years ago, so that will no longer be an issue.
Like I said, I feel so bad for you and I do hope you can work something out. Telling your parents you don't believe in the church will not go over well...trust me. It didn't go well for me. But hopefully with time their hearts will soften and they will learn to love you, more than they love the church.

I feel for you. You have received a lot of good ideas from folks on this thread. Either you are going to have to suck it up and go on the mission or tell your folks sooner or later. I know it will be difficult to tell them, but it would probably be wise to tell them in the near future instead of waiting until close to the day you depart.

I like getting your Bishop involved in an effort to act as a buffer with your parents. However, if he is more focused on convincing you to go then hearing you out and helping you…then get up and walk out of his office. If you need to buy time, I also like telling them that you are not ready at this time.

One thing I STRONGLY recommend is not going, as opposed to going and then returning home from your mission early. It is MUCH MORE DIFFICULT to leave and then come home early than to have never left in the first place. Been there…done that. I, like you, spent all of my savings on my mission stuff. When I came home after five weeks in the MTC (I left because I was pissed off), I was broke, had no transportation, no job, and was totally dependent on parents who would have rather I came home in a box. Although I wasn’t kicked out of the house, it was always the “elephant in the room”. It wasn’t until around seven months later (after I had a job and was saving some money…seeing the light at the end of the tunnel) that my father approached me and said, “I think it would be best for the family if you were to leave.”

I know you are scared. Hopefully your parents won’t feel the need to “punish” you for the shame and embarrassment THEY will feel by you not serving a mission. It would be nice if they could move on and be helpful in planning out the rest of your life without a mission. I’m not getting that vibe from you though. I know what that is like. Stay strong, work hard, hold your head high, and some day (like me) you will have no regrets.

Best of luck to you.

That whole id rather you come home in a box is such bullshit and ive heard it before within my family, not towards me but to someone else and that kind of bullshit needs to end because i was treated like a leper for not even going on the mission but it was always silently used against me to make me feel like an outcast blacksheep. It was like if i didnt believe in the church then i must be a crazy person and thats how i was seen since i was 17 pretty much and the worst part is i let it get to me and i demonized myself like they demonized me. Im just grateful i have a damn good counselor right now.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/18/2017 03:18AM by badassadam.

>>That whole id rather you come home in a box is such bullshit and ive heard it before within my family, not towards me but to someone else and that kind of bullshit needs to end...

Badassadam, I agree with you. I have to wonder about any religion that would encourage people to speak in that manner. I guess my response would be, "That's a vile thing to say, and a very unchristian thing to say." No decent person talks that way.

Exactly but if everyone in the family is brainwashed to think and talk this way it makes you feel scared shitless as a kid. The mormons think that death and murder is not a big deal and it rubbed off on me to not care about my life if everybody was so gung ho over killing people who talked secrets then what stops them from coming after me if i caused problems you know.

Ostracized for not ruining other people's lives, or "making your bones". These people are just heartless thugs.

I just said no when dad asked if I wanted to go. I'm pretty sure he knew what my answer would be but as a good Mormon dad he knew he needed to ask me.....but he wasn't a zealot and didn't put the cult before his beloved family.

Unless you know him well and are certain how he will react, I suggest you leave him out of this if possible. Bishops are not usually helpful and they always take the side of the mormon agenda. Often, they pile on layers of punishment for anyone who doesn't knuckle under. The last thing you need now is to be dragged into a repentance drama of being expected to confess to him weekly and be humiliated publicly. He might tell you and your parents that you must read scripture and pray twice a day and give up sacrament until you agree to go on a mission and show more respect. You don't need any of that!

You're not wrong about the bishop doubling down on the guilt and blame. However the bishop serves as an insulator against the ultra conservative and somewhat abusive parents. If the bishop is on board with "delaying" the mission than the parent's hands are tied.

I think it important that the real reasons and depth of the issues with LDS inc be kept from the bishop.

I also think that a few weeks of embarrassing interviews and not taking the sacrament is far better than a two year mission. I suspect our OP can handle the annoyance while he get's back on his feet and can shed his parent's oppressive home.

Than to play games which might cause unforeseen and daunting new problems.

if its a foreign mission I'd go take it as a 2 year vacation learn the language. Meet the people see the sites. enjoy your time I wouldn't do much teaching let your comp do that and have fun. That's what I did most of my mission. However if tis state side no way would I go even if it was Spanish speaking.

Nope it's state side all right. So definitely a no. I think it will all work out in the end each one of your replies has helped me feel much more confident through this situation. Thanks again!

No matter what you decide to do...act fast and stay true to yourself. I'm pretty close to your age - just graduated BYU and if there's one thing I'd take back, it's definitely my entire college experience.

My advance - DO NOT LET ANYONE CONVINCE YOU THAT YOU SHOULD GO TO A CHURCH SCHOOL.

I knew the church wasa scam ever since I was a teenager. Some of my friends decided to go to BYU and because I was stupid I went there too. It was honestly the only school my parents would pay for and instead of looking for scholarship opportunities, I took the easy route. I told myself that I could pretend to be a good Mormon girl for 4 years. I can just show up to Church on Sunday for three hours and that's it. Well, my entire life in Provo was all about the church. Not something I wanted, but that's the culture. I had hard times connecting with people, dates with Mormon boys were such a pain. I'm leaving BYU absolutely exhausted.

My point is...leave before it's too late. Before your community shows you what you could be losing. Before you get too scared. Before you meet someone and marry them - marry them in the Temple and pretend you're a faithful member. Before you have kids with that person. Before you make so many sacrifices for the Church.

*my advice

There is a few things you could probably do. You can apply for a community collage (at least one or two classes) and get pretty cheap student housing, it would be useful to have a couple roommates in mind. Do you have any extended family that you're close to? If so you could maybe arrange some sort of deal with them. Maybe start looking for another job with good pay if these don't sound ideal to you. Maybe even work two jobs to afford rent. Return your items, buy a bike or local transit passes to get you around while you figure out your car situation.

Sounds like you need to put that plan B into place and quick. I'm a nevermo, but a few friends of mine got into sticky situations where they had to leave home. Some joined the military (not for everybody), most of them moved in with other friends.

There's frequently ads on craigslist and other job boards for "live in care providers" which is basically light nursing, houskeeping, etc. in exchange for room and board. Might work out for you.

Some people will let you sleep on the couch even with no $, if you help out with cleaning, cooking, babysitting, yardwork, repairs, etc.

Since you don't have good transportation, try to move to a bigger city. (small town with no car is tough- i've been there)

"Stalling for time" is great advice too. Sometimes you're just not quite ready to fight, so... stall. Stall until you are strong enough.

Please be brave and don't cave in to the pressure. It is so difficult to stand up for yourself, especially at your age. It is YOUR life, don't let your parents or the church run it for you.

My plan B is definitely a bit out there. But I'm thinking of making it plan A. So my plan is to for sure get my job back, or find another job. After I know for a fact I have a job I'm going to sell my fish tank. It's my hobby so I've put about $2,000 into it. I could easily sell everything for about $1,500. It also wouldn't be suspicious to my parents because I'm supposedly going on a mission and why would they want to take care of that? I'm then going to use that money to find a cheap aprtment in Salt Lake for no more than $350 (actually very easy to find if you don't mind room mates). After I know for sure I have a job and a place to live I am going to buy a car within biking distance of where I live with the money from selling my aquarium. Now before buying a car I'm going to box up all my belongings and have everything ready to be moved out. I will then come home after buying the car and fit all my stuff in and leave. Now my parents are not going to know I left. Except for a note basically explaining I do not want to go on a mission and how I didn't trust telling them in person in fear of being kicked out with nothing. This can a be done without them knowing a thing because they both work. My mom from 7 AM to 2:30 PM and my Dad 8 AM to 6:00 PM. So yeah I basically have 5 hours to buy a car, shove my stuff in, and leave. Now I know this may ruin my relationship with my parents, however I just don't trust them enough to not kick me out after finding out I'm not going on a mission. If I'm kicked out I have nothing. No car, and no place to live. This way my parents still know what happened, but they have no way of ruining my life. After this I would obviously return as much mission stuff as possible. I also have about $300 in savings now because pay day was on Thursday. I just feel like this plan is the way to go.

Edit: on the apartment part I am not using any money from selling my fish tank on the apartment.

I would return as much of your mission supplies as you are able, NOW. Check the store receipts. Your window of opportunity to do that may be running out.

Keep in mind that with an apartment (even with roommates,) you may likely need first month's rent, last month's rent, plus a substantial damage deposit. So figure in a range of 2-3X one month's rent or share of the rent.

Roommates also have to figure out whose name goes on the utility bill, and each utility will likely want a deposit as well.

If you sign a lease, look for the phrase, "joint and several liability." That means if your roommate does not pay his rent, you and any other roommates are responsible for doing so. It is a fairly standard phrase in rental agreements for young people. Now I don't remember having to pay additional rent all that often, but it does happen. If one roommate moves out, you can typically find another roommate within 2 weeks or so. I think the longest we ever had to look was 4 weeks. It is *very* helpful if you live close to a university, i.e. the U of U. You will get a better quality of roommate and will likely never want for a roommate.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/20/2017 01:57AM by summer.

Good points. Yeah if I did get my job back I'd actually be working 5 days instead of 3 when I was in high school. So I could realisricly afford up to $750 a month on rent. However, when you include all the stuff you pointed out it would end up being more like max $350.

Mostly what I mentioned are the up-front costs of renting or sharing a rental. After the first month, things should settle down. If you can find a rental where heat is provided, that would be great. If not, ask neighbors close to you what a typical heating bill looks like. Some of them are killer.

Ask potential roommates about their living habits. Are they the quiet type, or would your house become the party house with constant visitors in and out? Do they use alcohol and/or legal or illegal drugs? Do they smoke? Would they have girlfriends come over and/or stay over? No loud noise after what hour? What are their musical tastes, and to what degree do they like to "share?" Any hobbies that require storage of large and/or dangerous equipment (guns, bikes, skis, kayaks, etc.?) How do they handle cleaning of joint spaces? Do they like to share food, or does everyone handle their own? How are the neighbors -- any problems with them? How is the landlord -- any problems there? How is car parking handled?

I generally liked to have my own food and cooking with an agreement that no dishes stay in the sink (clear them out right away.) If people have trouble cleaning the house, set aside an hour periodically where everyone has at it. No loud noise after 10 or 11 P.M.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/20/2017 11:51AM by summer.

Step 1.....now I just need to sell it and get a car. However Uber is very helpful just saying. So I've figured out I can actually buy a car anywhere in Salt Lake if I get an Uber for $20. I would share my link to my crai gslist listing but this forum isn't for promoting items so yeah.

Whatever car you pick out, come to an agreement with the seller that you will have a mechanic check it out before the purchase. It's money well spent.

I've bought and sold lots of stuff on craigslist. Not to be a downer, but people buying stuff there think it's way less valuable than you do. It would be prudent to run the numbers in your plan again but assuming you can sell the fish tank and gear at 40% of what you paid for it... $800 if you paid 2k. And assume it will take more time to do the deal than you think..it usually does.

Also, check the receipts for the suits to make sure the stores will refund cash, not returns to a credit card or store credit.

Also, putting in place a "delay" tactic with your parents, to buy you some time to make sure your finances are secure, may be a good idea.

Again, I say this not to be a downer, just to help you be aware of the hurdles that may arise. :D

I've lived off less, and been technically homeless (couch surfer) because my TBM parents wouldn't support me when I wasn't doing the usual Mormon thing (getting married super young, having kids) and instead wanted to live and work in NYC. So I had to scrape by on my own for all of my adult life not having gotten much at all after leaving the nest at 18 (even didn't get much support when I was at BYU). When I came out about being out of TSCC, it was long after I'd left home and been on a my own a long time.. however it WAS while I Was under their roof again (in between jobs and housing). Still I took the chance at getting kicked out because I couldn't stand to go to church as they had expected me to (esp. thinking I was still a Mormon)…

Anyway what I have learned over the years is that living in poverty is better than having my very strict Mormon parents and the Mormon 'church' rule my existence. Freedom is much more important than anything. And I learned that if my dad did give me money as an adult it was ALWAYS with strings attached.

So be creative, find a way, get out of there, don't get pressured into wasting 2 years of your life.

I've also found that when I thought I could not support myself financially (for example when I had to get out of a bad abusive marriage) once I made the decision to definitely do something, things did tend to line up for me after that. Be clear about what you want and what your needs are and you'll find a way.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

I can say one more thing is that it wont matter if you go on a mission in the eyes of your parents or the church you will still have to do waaaaay more than that to have value in their eyes it will never be enough. They destroyed me dont let them destroy you. Even if i became the highest position in the church my father still would never acknowledge me so whats the point in destroying myself over it. I think you get the picture, if you didnt have to do weird temple rituals and only went around teaching the new testament or even athiesm and not suck out 10% off of them then i think that would be more fulfilling and honest in my eyes.