The church has a new contract with staples for all its paper products. There is a general concern that once the members discover the tp is now soft they will start stealing it for home use. I guess they will need to put it under lock and the bishop will add another key of authority

Wow!!
Think of the new converts just for the toilet paper! TSCC will stoop to anything!!!

This may help "wipe out" the membership losses they have incurred by requiring the faithful to clean toilets!

I wonder if there is a Mitt Romney connection.

http://mentalfloss.com/article/29654/how-involved-was-mitt-romney-founding-staples

"There is a general concern that once the members discover the tp is now soft they will start stealing it for home use."

As with much at TSCC, I doubt that is the true story. I'll bet the real reason is that they do not want the brethren to know that going to church does not need to be a pain in the ass! Once the brethren know there are more comfortable alternatives, they will never go back.

That must be a real hit to Dunder Mifflin

You're really scraping bottom with this topic.

I did work with a guy that claimed he never bought a roll of toilet paper after he started his job. He'd been there almost 40 years.