Posted by:
Survivalist
(
)
Date: October 17, 2017 01:53AM
>>"But it was nuts because i remember certain events like it was yesterday as if i got frozen that day or died that day."
That's called a flashback. It can feel like it's happening in the present. A person can relive certain painful and/or traumatic events from the past, trying to process the emotional fallout.
It really is a step toward health. It's very hard to go through, but it's your brain's gift to help uncover the rage, deal with it instead of carrying it around like a nuclear weapon on a hair trigger.
Some of the flashbacks I had involved sexual abuse, and I really didn't know how much hate, fear and loathing I had been lugging into every relationship, each new day. Everyday was the same, most of the time numb without knowing it, because I wasn't ready to face the past.
When the flashbacks started, I wanted to die or kill. The memories so real, as if they were happening right now, the pain tearing at me, the body remembers. I lost three months one time, meaning, it was June, then when I became self-aware again, it was August. Pretty scary stuff, but that was the worst it got. After that the "lost time" kept getting smaller. It's never gotten that bad again.
I felt totally nuts, out of control, and I hated it. I look back on it now like - well, like "it" (my brain, my flashbacks, my triggers) was doing me a favor it was too early for me to appreciate. I felt like a raw wound walking around, where the slightest breeze could make me bleed, and I'm a fighter. (Flight fight or freeze, our body makes the choice and we don't get to "pick.")
But going through it is the only way to get rid of it. It seemed insurmountable, like there was too much there to deal with, and I just wanted to run from it, but running was no longer possible.
Remember how I keep telling you to find safe places to deal with it? The truth is, that mall stalking bit scared me for you, and for the stranger. I'll not lie to you badass, that was not safe for either of you. What if he had noticed, and started preaching at you? I don't even want to think about it. You were way triggered, and had written some things that made me think that given the wrong circumstances, you might hurt yourself or someone else. I know how powerful triggers and flashbacks can be. You could be sitting in jail at this very moment, and I'm not kidding. No cards, no phone, no RfM trolls, no freedom.
You MUST remember to be safe.
NO stalking, on foot, in car, or anywhere else. It's not healthy or safe. It's risky behavior, and honestly, I would put it in the "self-harm" category.
End of lecture.
Think of a flashback as an opportunity for you to accept the reality of the trauma you suffered, and re-create a new ending as a survivor. If you're in the mall when it happens, get yourself to your truck or a bathroom, and stay there (don't drive) until you feel ready to face the world without a fight.
What you have to remember during a flashback is that YOU SURVIVED the original trauma, and though the memory is hard and painful, it CANNOT HARM YOU NOW.
If a real-life suit or RfM troll triggers you, remember there's a bad memory behind the anger, just waiting to free you of the pain. You can learn to embrace the triggers as clues to your past, so you can remember it and clear your brain of the awful things that were wrongfully, likely criminally, done to you.
I won't tell you that you should ignore either the suits or the trolls, but to use them to your benefit, if they trigger you. If triggered, get a real pen and paper, and start writing. Write whatever comes to mind, no matter how odd the writing may be. Write until you remember. Write until you feel spent. Don't worry about spelling or how it sounds. Just keep writing.
I gotta sleep now. But put a notebook and pen in your truck, so you can write if needed. It's not the same as typing and/or posting.
Take gentle care of you, badass, suits and trolls be damned.