Son is at the MTC. I share this because I need to...and maybe it's useful to someone else. I don't know if I said the right things. I hope so.

*********************

Xxxxxxx,

Before you go....there is something I want to say.

I want to support you. I want for you to be happy. And I will support you if this is what you want.

But I need to say that I wish you weren't going. Yes, there is some good that can come from a mission...I learned another language and, like you working this past summer selling products door-to-door in Xxxxxx, I learned to communicate more effectively with people. Those skills have helped me in my life and maybe, MAYBE you'll learn some additional skills and develop more confidence that will help you in life.

Those can be good things.

But I'm conflicted. Because I really believe that you are going out to a place where you are going to spend every day trying to convince people that they need to be Mormon. My belief--no, my certainty--is that this is a false religion. Made up. And you are going to give two years of your life to promote it. You could be doing so many other things.

I'm conflicted because I want to support you. But I wouldn't be a good father if I didn't tell you what I think and what I know. This church is all about control and making you do what it wants. Pay them 10% of your money, wear their underwear, attend church for at least three hours every week (or they ask you "is there a problem?"), and follow their rules. Things like you can't drink coffee (really?? is that so bad?? Yes, apparently that makes you a bad person. Whatever.)

You have the pressure of your mother, who loves you. But you also have the pressure of that a**hole [step father]. I get it, I understand. And you have the whole pressure of the Mormon corporation and their robot members in Utah telling you how great it is to serve a mission. If they really love you and want you to be happy, it shouldn't depend on you serving a mission. But I think you know how they would react if you didn't...and I'm sorry. It's a lot of pressure.

I can't believe in a church started by Joseph Smith who married two fourteen-year old girls. And didn't tell his wife Emma. Told the girls that an angel with a flaming sword would destroy them and their families if they didn't agree to marry him. He married other men's wives...and again didn't tell Emma. He looked into a hat at a stone to create the Book of Mormon, not at some golden plates. Doesn't that all sound creepy and wrong?

All of these things the church has admitted only in the last few years. And only because they couldn't hide it anymore.

I won't talk this way again if you decide to continue with going on a mission. But before you go, I need to tell you what I know and how I feel.

I haven't just stopped going to church. I made them remove my name from their records. It is a scam and I won't be a part of it anymore.

You are about to go out and tell other people that their churches and religions are wrong. But when you tell a Mormon they are wrong and provide evidence, they stop wanting to talk with you. Why is that? Because it is a cult. Because they are conditioned to NOT listen to anything else. And because they can't accept the truth or even discuss something that doesn't support their beliefs.

I love you and don't want you to spend the next two years promoting a cult that doesn't care about you unless you are paying tithing and believe their lies. But if this is your choice I won't say anymore and continue to love you. I promise.

Dad



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/26/2017 04:22AM by txrancher.

Man i wish i had you as a dad, my dad is completely brainwashed by the cult more than anyone ive ever seen and ive never been able to tell him how ive truly felt about it all even to this day.

I agree. I wish I had you as a dad.

I salute and applaud you! Your son may have some positive experiences but he will be evaluating what he knows and experiences and come out with clarity and understanding. This is only the beginning. Truth and honesty will win out in the end but he must experience it for himself. You have done all you can do, now just sit back and keep sending him love.

Unfortunately all this does is reinforce his testimony for him to share with others to say that even his own father is against him.

He's probably already shared this letter with fellow missionaries and confirmed what he is doing is right even further.

The best way you can set an example for others is to be happy yourself, let him know you don't believe (not why), and let him know that you are available if he wishes to ask questions, and leave it at that. This is a process, and it will take time, maybe years.

You have very little control over other people, even your own family members. Change must come from within.

I agree with you, Yeppers...in most cases, something like this would only reinforce the bunker mentality of a TBM with a testimony.

The issue for me is that I don't believe he has a testimony. I believe that he was pressured to go and is looking for reasons to leave.

In this case, I don't want to just go along with everyone else and say what a wonderful thing it is he's doing. I feel like I needed to at least try to give him an "out" in a constructive and fatherly way. And if he stays, I won't say anything more about the church (but I'll keep in touch, talk about other things, and love him.)

I'm deeply impressed with your honesty and the love you shared with your son. That is important because he now knows he has an anchor, a soft place to fall when his eyes are opened and he realizes he is promoting a cult. Give him time. He must cut the psychological embiblical cord from his dominating mother and step father and cult. He needs the distance and time away to grow. Just keep loving him unconditionally and pray that God opens his eyes sooner rather than later.

A fantastic strong message. Honesty is best. As his father, you owe it to him.

At the very least, you've planted some seeds of future doubt.

I'm a father too, although never a mormon, and I too applaud you.

Tom in Paris

Good letter to let your son know how you really believe.

Perhaps in time as he matures he'll come to the same conclusion.

There is great pressure on children born into the cult to conform.

Maybe he'll discover for himself while on his mission as doors get shut in his face, and as people challenge his beliefs.

Huge pressure for those born into the cult not a lot one can do to get out at a young age without repercussions.

Txrancher, may I screenshot your letter?

Your cogent and and loving letter is something many of us could use for our own children and grandchildren, if we may.

Problem: girls who are so damned brainwashed that they CANNOT marry anyone who's NOT a returned missionary!!! It's damned shameful!!!!!

Yep i was never wanted because i never went on a mission it tore me apart.

Of course, Kathleen



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/26/2017 11:08AM by txrancher.

It's a good letter. Does your son have a domestic mission or international?

We've heard too many tales of MPs who have dropped the ball in terms of the health, safety, and well-being of their missionaries. Be sure to tell your son that if he is ever discouraged or denied medical or dental care, denied a safe place to live (i.e. the apartment has exposed wires,) doesn't have adequate means to provide food, or otherwise needs your help, to contact you immediately.

Good suggestions, Summer, thank you.

He is going to a mission in the U.S.

Very powerful letter straight from the heart AND the brain and peppered with just enough facts to really get the attention it deserves. Couldn't have been better according to me.

Your son is lucky to have you. I have no doubt that letter will stick in the back of his mind and spring to the front every time he extolls the "virtues of the true prophet Joseph Smith." Gonna be like a hook from a song that gets stuck in your head and just won't go away .

I hope you can find peace somehow because you have done the best that can be done in the situation. I hope your son realizes some day how difficult and painful this was for you to be so sage.

Wow. Amazing letter.

I wonder what will go through your son's mind. Will he just keep playing along due to social pressure? Are there Mormon girls he needs to impress? Will he feel torn between pleasing his mother or his father? Will he take the letter straight to his mission president who will systematically demonize you?

I feel bad he is in this situation but I believe you have done the right thing. There will no doubt be a time in his life when he realizes how honest and caring you were to him.

Just maybe, with that information, he will see through it and leave.

It's time for him to become an adult: either by realizing he is surrounded by lies and must think for himself, or by completing the rite of passage for Mormons. I hope he gets to learn a language at least.

He's a very handsome, tall young man. Looks like he'd be in a boy band, lol. But he's also shy and sweet. He wouldn't say a cross word to anyone.

My younger daughter told me that my son told her fiend he was going to go out for a week and come home. He might have been kidding or trying to rationalize going, I don't know.

He's told me that he was having a great time in the MTC. I can see the camaraderie of the other men, so I don't know.

I asked him how he liked the temple. He said, "It was very cool." (Note: not spiritual, but "very cool") So I don't know what is going through his mind right now.

When he was ordained a priest, I asked him, "Did anyone even ask you if you wanted to be ordained?" I had asked his mother to ask him first--she didn't, because he told me nobody did. "Well, did you want to be ordained?" His response was, "Not really."

Interesting. Maybe he's just going through the motions, hopefully enjoying the ride, until he figures out who he is. Guessing the LDS girls are ogling him and he wants to impress them back.

What might happen is that he will just go along with it- not really believing- and marry a true believer with all the problems that could cause if she never snaps out of it. (My husband did that but I did snap out of it 20 years later.)

Or maybe he will just come home and be the hot guy that girls flock to- returned missionary or not.

He's got a smart dad. He'll figure it out!

At least you planted a seed. There are a lot of people who now know how weird Mormonism is. It's harder to sell turds door to door when everyone knows your turd when they see it. The tough sell and distance from home might get him to reevaluate his ideas.

You wrote truthfully, the finest gift of love any parent can give.

You only need contrast it to the time he's about to sacrifice to the lying set of "parents," to satisy their needs.

He'll know to whom he can turn when the time comes.

Horrible letter. Not the message, but the timing. You wait until he is on his mission and in the MTC to tell him this stuff?? These are things that should have been shared with him YEARS prior to him considering a mission. Perhaps if you would have done so then he would have stood up to the pressure applied by others and sided with you now.

I had a similar situation with my son. I shared with him my disbelief and disassociation with the church a couple of years before he left on his mission. He is a pleaser though, so he went to keep his mother happy. He actually thought I would be upset with him for going. I just laughed at him, told him he was old enough to make his own decisions, and why would I care...it wasn't me who was going. But, he also knew that he had a place to come home to if he chose to leave.

Once he left I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS think of writing a letter such as yours. Instead I encouraged him to work hard, give 100%, do his best, learn the language etc. You know, use his mission developing habits that would be helpful AFTER his mission once he entered school or the work world. My weekly letters were filled with encouragement, praise, and well wishes.

If I were you I would apologize to him. Tell him you had some things to get off of your chest but your timing was bad. He has enough to grapple with while at the MTC then to have some disgruntled father at home trying to drag him down. You missed your window of opportunity. Now go forward and show him how much you love, support, and wish him success even though his beliefs don't match yours.

By the way, due to the incredible support I showed my son while he was gone, when it was time for him to come home, he asked ME to pick him up at the airport and told his mother (my ex) to stay home and wait for him to show up.

Just sayin'

Wow jaxson, you sound like a politic-playing asshole of a father. Your comments are ringing with talk about how great you think it is that your son has sided with you instead of his mother, like you're colluding in some kind of coup.

It's immature and asinine. You have absolutely no context for making your comments, and the reasons that people have for saying the things they say are their own. It's never too late to tell people how you feel about something.

If you want a friend you have to be a friend. Mindfucks don't get fixed overnight.

Hopefully he'll make friends at the Mindfuck Training Center.

I can attest mindfucks definitely dont get fixed overnight.

Yes, I agree, horrible timing. Here is how the timeline worked out, though:

He came to visit me recently. I ended up telling him something I have kept my mouth shut about...my feelings about the church. I simply told him that LDS people often bear their testimonies about the truthfulness of the church; I have a testimony, too, that it's all made up.

He listened but kept silent. I was calm, loving, and honest.

I did not know that in a couple weeks he was leaving on a mission. He was supposed to tell me but his sister said he was afraid. He never did. A few days later my daughter told me.

So I had no idea he was leaving so quickly. I had been talking to him about college and he was telling me that he was planning to enroll at X. I thought he was going to avoid a mission, so I didn't feel the need to talk about it (except when I had that little talk with him.)

I think your message was great and timing, who knows. Every kid and every situation is different. You said something and it was honest. He will never be able to say, "Why didn't someone tell me not to go on a mission?".

I hope Jaxson enjoys sitting outside the temple at his son's wedding. Just sayin'

TxRancher, your letter touched my soul! I am so sorry your son is trapped in the cult.

I agree 100% that a responsible parent owes their child the TRUTH! No matter when or how it is given.

I love your letter, no matter the outcome. It needed to be written! At the very least, it will make YOU feel better.

I'm sorry you have your ex-wife and her awful husband to deal with. I was lucky, being a single mother, with no one else involved. The instant I knew the Mormon cult was evil, I told my children that they never had to go there again, and we resigned together. One daughter returned to Mormonism, to marry the boy next door, in the temple, but I have stood by my principles, and have refused to support that cult in any way. Slowly, they are coming around--choosing family and vacation trips and staying home with sick kids, and attending family barbecues--choosing to not attend church meetings. They go once every other week, and have arranged their callings to fit into that.

It takes great strength and perseverance to go against the Mormon cult. We parents can't expect our children to do what we, ourselves could not do until we were much older than they. Give it time.

Remember, YOU are probably the only source of unconditional love for your missionary son. Mormons don't believe in unconditional love. They think it is "anti-Christ" (direct quote from Russell M. Nelson.)

It is very likely your love will come back to you, in the form of your son's freedom and happiness. Studies have shown that if a child has one non-LDS parent, the child is very likely to leave the cult. Congratulations on your integrity and love!

Breeze Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
> Remember, YOU are probably the only source of
> unconditional love for your missionary son.
> Mormons don't believe in unconditional love. They
> think it is "anti-Christ" (direct quote from
> Russell M. Nelson.)
>

Breeze, I agree with you 100%. Could you please give a link to the Nelson talk where he said that unconditional love was "anti-Christ"? Thank you. All the best. -edz
P.S. Maybe I remember it wrong, but wasn't Christ the epitome of "unconditional love"? Just sayin'.

Very powerful letter, txrancher. Don't worry about timing, etc...: you spoke truth to your son, and you did it with grace and love. He now knows that, regardless of anything else, you love him and you care enough to speak the truth.

All the best to you, my friend. You did the right thing.

-edz

Sadly, if your son is TBM, nothing you say will change his mind but only make him feel more righteous and determined. On the one hand it's good that you were honest with your son regarding LDS. Inc. On the other hand, he might now try extra hard and pray extra hard to be a super duper missionary in the hopes of reconverting you. That's how the Mormon church operates. It's psychological warfare.

I was just like your son. My father was nevermo and constantly tried to convince me that LDS Inc. was a fraud. He'd corner me when I worked for him and harass me about the golden plates, etc. I hated it. After spending time with him I was so proud of myself for being faithful in the face of the adversary - makes me want to puke when I think about it. I was so brainwashed.

I eventually left the morg on my own, not because of my father's teasing and badgering, but because I found fault on my own. My father made me a stronger member, and when I stopped believing I didn't let him know for many (20) years. The way he humiliated me I didn't want him to know that I was out - - I didn't want to be like him because he was a real jerk.

You sound like a great dad though - not like mine. Be supportive of your son while he's doing what he thinks is right. Don't feel bad about sending the letter - you already sent it and maybe when he's in the MTC and see's the church from a different angle, like I did, he'll start to wonder...Let him know you love and support him no matter what. When he's ready to leave LDS Inc. he'll be able to talk to you because you never made him feel like a dimwit for believing in the Mormon fraud.

LDS Inc. messes with so many lives. Shame on the corrupt money grubbing corporation for creating unnecessary stress, conflict, and sadness in families who sacrifice so much for the nonexistent next life.

Beautiful, clear and courageous!!

It's a great letter. You did what you needed to do. If he gets into a terrible situation on his mission, he at least has you to ask for help.

In this age of information in which we live, the LDS will see an attrition rate it has never before seen. You may have planted the seed that will lead your son out.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/27/2017 04:24AM by scmd.

I'm responding to give you some hope. My parents were divorced when I, as a teen, joined the church and made plans to go on a mission. (I only saw my dad once every year or two after my parent's very nasty divorce, so he didn't know what I had been up to.)

When I did visit him just before my mission and told him I'd be in Central America for the next two years, he said, "For cultural purposes, it'll do you good to live in another part of the world. For religious reasons, it's not worth crossing the street."

At the time, that played right into the hand of the church's narrative. But, as an adult, having found my way out of the church, I came to realize he had said as much as he could to his now legally adult son...and that he was absolutely right.

If anything, I respect the degree of restraint he showed. We have a good relationship now. You certainly have hope of that.

Thanks for feedback and encouragement. I welcomed it, whether positive or negative (maybe I should say supportive or critical) and we should all be prepared for honest feedback from members on this site. I accept it all.

I think my son went because of pressure from his mother and step father (one daughter says that the step father kept asking and my son finally said, "Yes, I'll go." The man is a jerk and as I've mentioned that he's been verbally abusive to all of my kids (even my 22 year-old daughter) and even all the neighborhood kids don't like him.

But also because all of his friends have either left or are preparing to leave. I've spoken to a few of them and they are upbeat, TBMs that are 100% committed to their beliefs. My son isn't one of those, but I think a big part of him going is because it's what they are doing and he wants to feel a part of something.

I don't blame him. He's still young and immature. But at the same time, he's old enough to make his own decisions. He may never be a very critical thinker, but I also don't believe he will be the typical TBM that has a strong testimony. I actually don't think he'll ever have a testimony. He's going through the motions. And it seems like he is enjoying the camaraderie of the MTC. He isn't desperate to fit in--he gets along with everyone, although he isn't an extrovert--but I'm sure it's easy enough for him to enjoy his time with peers.

But, hey, when I was that age I also thought, "What else am I going to do? Might as well go on a mission." Again, I don't fault him.

Thanks, friends.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/27/2017 06:41PM by txrancher.

Things that took me a while to accept as a parent:

-My children are not mini-me and should not be expected to be like me. Their personalities are not mine.

-My childrens' successes and failures are theirs. Although I was probably influential in their lives, for the negative or positive in their eyes, I will not take credit or blame.


Your son will be whoever he is. The stepdad is another influence. The odds are as high that son will see through him as they are he will side with him.

You did your bit. You can't control everyone in his life or everything in his environment or how he will internalize anything. No matter what happens, you were honest. When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

TX Rancher, I had to sit by while several of my kids served missions. You said what you felt you needed to say. I fully understand that your son may be struggling with his testimony (all my kids told me the KNEW the church was true). It's time to move on to the next steps.

Follow through with writing and reinforcing love for your son. Let him know that religion isn't going to divide the two of you. On occasion, send him a special card or something fun (after a trip to New Orleans, I sent one son a box of King Cake mix--he made it with a member family for Mardi Gras.

Keep reinforcing with him how proud you are that he made a commitment and followthrough with what he believes (you're praising a commitment, not the fucking church). Let him know that you love him unconditionally and will always be there for him.

If he struggles, he won't tell you initially, but eventually it will come out.

If you need to vent, vent here. We'll support you and join together in a healthy--fuck the Morg! The RM sons' Boners



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/27/2017 07:33PM by BYU Boner.

I think honesty is the best path. I can tell from your letter that you love your child.

If you have a good enough relationship with your son that the letter didn't completely break that, I'm glad you did it. Mostly I think the kids need to know that they can come back if they want and they will have served honorably, whether the cult records reflect that or not. They are doing "volunteer" work and it's not like they're going AWOL from the Army or anything. Can he come live with you if he comes home?

If they know they have an out, they might even try harder to see if they can make it work. They don't have to spend a bunch of time trying to figure out how they can come home with a medical excuse (physical or mental).

Yes, and exactly as you have pointed out I have reminded him over the phone and in an email that he is a volunteer and paying his own way--he should not submit to anything that he doesn't agree with or feel good about.

He can come live with me and I've told him that. You seem to know me! My fiance is all for it, too. He is a sweet young man.

We will see what happens. He was scheduled to leave early this morning. I told him that I probably couldn't talk with him because I was doing work in another city as a consultant at the time he was leaving and just couldn't get away. But that I loved him and would speak to him soon and definitely email and write letters.

Thanks to everyone for their comments. There are so many of you that I respect, enjoy reading your witty and insightful posts, and simply adore. And you sent me personal messages. It has meant a lot. I could name the ones in particular, but you are well known on this site and wow it has been powerful.

Again, thanks to everyone.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/30/2017 10:27AM by txrancher.