I've been playing violin for 5 years and I hate it. I am making my schedule for my Freshman year of high school and my mother is forcing me to take orchestra. I wanted to do Foundations in Art instead. I love art and do it a lot in my free time. I want to get better. Orchestra makes me miserable. She refuses to let me quit. I also am in all AP classes which will be tough. On top of that I play the bagpipes which is a lot of work. I feel like I have no control. My parents never pushed my sister like this. What do I do?

ugh!

Talk to your guidance counselor and also the orchestra director. Tell them that you don't want to do orchestra, but instead want to take the art class. They may be able to help you.

I took my promotion into high school as an opportunity to quit the clarinet, which I likewise loathed.

BTW, tell your mom that when my engineer brother was attending MIT, the school specifically wanted him and his friends to take classes such as art so that they would be well rounded. :)

Good luck, and let us know how things go.

How can you be in all AP classes if you are a freshman? They are usually taken in 11th and 12th grade. Perhaps you mean college track courses?

What would your mother do if you change classes to the art class? Will you be punished? Do you have a relative who would support you in convincing your mother to let you change classes?

yeah I think I meant college track courses, but my mom would probably call the school and put me back in orchestra if I quit on my own. That, and then get a very LOUD earful about how she's disappointed/mad along with my phone taken away. My older sister who moved out supports me but my parents already shut her down. My mom has been trying to make amends in my opinion. She offered to go on a walk or to go shopping because she feels bad. Maybe if I keep shutting her out she'll let me switch.

horrorukulele Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> yeah I think I meant college track courses, but my
> mom would probably call the school and put me back
> in orchestra if I quit on my own. That, and then
> get a very LOUD earful about how she's
> disappointed/mad along with my phone taken away.
> My older sister who moved out supports me but my
> parents already shut her down. My mom has been
> trying to make amends in my opinion. She offered
> to go on a walk or to go shopping because she
> feels bad. Maybe if I keep shutting her out she'll
> let me switch.




I would ordinarily recommend against a passive-aggressive tactic, but if shutting her out helps you to get what you want here, go for it. What your asking for is not unreasonable, and you aren't being bratty in asking for it. It sounds as though you've so far gone about things in a straightforward manner, but that hasn't gotten you what you need. If you have to play a few mind games to get the power that should have been yours in the first place by your age, I would say you are justified.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/01/2017 09:41PM by scmd.

Do what you have to do. The person who told you to speak to your orchestra director and guidance counselor gave you good advice. If the orchestra director is sympathetic to your plight, he/she would be your greatest ally in this situation. He/she has the right to say who is in his/her orchestra, and why would a director want anyone in it who didn't want to be there? Your mom would be angry, but there would be little she could do to change the situation. She may take away your phone, most likely temporarily. You may be forced to make a choice between your phone and taking the elective you choose.

I don't ordinarily like to criticize other parents in situations that don't constitute clear-cut abuse, but I think your mom is way out of line here. High school is the very latest point at which a parent needs to hand over control as to what extracurricular activities a kid will do. A parent isn't being unreasonable in insisting on some extracurricular activity if he or she feels strongly about it, but the choice of which activity it will be needs to belong to the kid.

I'm sorry you don't enjoy the violin. I've played piano since I was four and learned violin as an adult, and I love it, but not everyone does. I'm very impressed that you play bagpipes.That's not easy.

Play in a different key signature as loud as you can.

This!!! I'm dying laughing!!

An orchestra with bagpipes?

Play as poorly as you can. Never improve. "I'm trying but I just can't seem to get the hang of it!" Director might cut you loose as a hopeless case.

They made us play something called "flutophones" when I was in 4th grade. I absolutely hated it, could not learn to read music to save my life, Begged first my teacher and then the principal to let me out of it. They told me I had to have a note from my parents.

My mother was THRILLED that I was getting a musical education that she didn't have to pay for. (I had begged, for years, to play piano, but she refused.) Of course, she would not give me a reprieve from the flutophone. So I made a point of playing as hideously and as off-key as I could. And LOUDLY. Nobody could take any pleasure in learning a piece of music, because my squeaking and squawking ruined it. The entire class complained to the teacher.

The teacher threatened to flunk me and make me repeat the grade if I didn't play the flutophone. I said bluntly, "You CAN'T. I have straight As in everything else. The school board wouldn't let you." I had a point there.

Eventually, she let me off, making me sit in the back of class, reading book after book, and writing a book report about every book. I read rapidly, so there were a lot of reports. And I got an F in music, which not even my mother could contest, because the teacher had made it very plain that I had refused to participate, under any circumstances.

I got punished for it, of course, but it was worth it.

If you play so hideously, time after time, and either feign stupidity, or make it clear that you are there under duress, and that duress makes your hands tremble, causing you to play poorly, all parties concerned might be forced to re-evaluate the situation.

Good luck.

Keep talking to her and try to get your dad and counselor to back you up. If that fails, is there something else you can drop to make room for art?. Also, there are private art teachers and classes in community education. Maybe if you take orchestra and do well, she would pay for class elsewhere. Community ed shouldnt be too expensive

This is just my opinion as a dad of two musically talented girls who were also in the top 10 of their small town high school classes:

If you play bagpipes well you will be in demand; I don't know what your school mascot is but it seems the football team would love to have crank a tune when they run on to the field or lead the stands in halftime cheers. Also, if you play bagpipes you have your music covered--it seems to me that if you get along well with your music teacher, perhaps not this year, but soon, you will be featured in the school orchestra with a piece built around the pipes. I went to a tiny school with only one music teacher so I don't know how your system. works.

You're super busy, and living the old adage about top students that "The ones who do it, do it all." I'm surprised you're in sports, too.

My niece was a talented French Horn player in the BYU orchestra--of course that all got tossed out the window when she became a meek LDS housewife.

Again, just my 2 cents worth.

At your age I quit release time seminary to take band at the
end of a fall semester. I didn't ask for permission, I simply
changed my class load with my guidance counselor's
assistance. Study hall replaced by band with the band
director's approval. Win, win.

Granted, this was not an equivalent situation but an academic
step up. Maybe you can spin your situation likewise.

Not a peep out of my parents.

I just reread the OP. In most high schools orchestra is by
audition only, as is band. Junior band is more lenient.

Exceptions are made for string players as there are fewer of
them and anyone playing a stringed instrument at that age is
likely already accomplished or well on their way.

Sorry I cannot sympathize with you on this. I've always looked
back on my year in the orchestra as an enormous accomplishment
as well as a lot of fun. It took work, sure, but the view
from the pit is unlike any other in musical theatre.

In schools where there are different levels/classes of band and orchestra, the top level one is often by audition/invitation, but otherwise no - they are generally open to all students to encourage as many kids as possible to take up an instrument.

Within the orchestra or band, there are auditions for seating for certain instruments (violin, clarinets, etc), but students are not eliminated from the program entirely.

The *rare* exception to this is a band or orchestra program where the demand to play is higher than the total number of seats available.

It could be worse. You could be forced to play the accordion.

An accordion player drove to dive bar, making sure to lock her expensive instrument in the trunk of the car. After a few drinks, she was ready to courageously ask the local rock band if she could sit in. For reasons unknown to anyone present, the band agreed. She grabbed her car keys, went outside, and took a deep breath. She was nervous. This could be her first big break. Walking to her car, she saw the most disturbing and horrible scene of her entire life. Someone had taken a crow bar and pried the trunk of her old caddy open. OMG, my squeeze box! She rushed over to take a look......and saw four more accordions in the trunk of her car.

Why are there no organs in Heaven?

Because they sent all the keys to Hell to make accordions.

I feel your pain. I was a lousy violin player and sat in the last chair in orchestra. Not only was I a really bad player but everyone knew it because of my seat assignment. I was so bad that when we performed a difficult number to an audience, I didn't even play but just faked it - I moved my bow up and down without letting it touch the strings. It was so embarrassing. I just wasn't cut out for the violin.

I started playing in the 1st grade, suzuki method. I was so cute playing my little violin that my picture was frequently in the local paper and a picture of me playing was on the cover of the brochure for the local school district. Cuteness didn't help me play well though - my siblings called my violin my squeaky toy, and in the 9 years I played I didn't progress very much. One day my mom took my violin to be repaired and never picked it up. I never saw it again.

I think it is very cruel of your mother to force you to play. What would happen if you "lost" your violin? Maybe you could accidentally leave it somewhere...

The Suzuki method has become something horrible.

I'm on your mom's side, lol. If my child played the bagpipe, I would push a different instrument, post-haste! She must be tired of hearing that one bagpipe song over and over. You know the one.

Tell her that if she lets you quit the violin, you will quit the bagpipe, too.

You may not like bagpipes but don't think your limited knowledge and taste defines what the whole world thinks. I agree the stereotypical Scottish Marching Band pipes are not pleasant to have in a small space. However there are many kinds of bagpipes used in Celtic folk music that are wonderful. I used to teach music lessons to kids and my advice is let the kid choose the instrument that excites them and they want to play.

Once upon a time Cynthia was a little mormon girl who played the viola. Now she is the Principal Violist of the New York Philharmonic. I knew her several years ago. As far as I know she has nothing to do with the Church now, but she is incredibly talented. Stick to your passions and do what you want to do. When you apply to Stanford or Princeton or wherever being an amazing bagpipe player will certainly differentiate you from the five million asian kids who were forced to play violin or piano.

https://alchetron.com/Cynthia-Phelps-327559-W

We're all rooting for your bagpiping, and while 'Amazing Grace' and 'Scotland the Brave' are standards, I forgot about this guy:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgzZLNwqvdQ

Chick n'.., this guy looks like what I imagine Babyloncansuckit looks like? tough guy,, great song.

I feel your pain. It was year round sports for me. I really wanted to be in a play and on the debate team, but no. Has to be sweaty jocks around the clock.

I was in AP, too. Looking back on it AP wasn't so much difficult, but more of a personal challenge. My AP English teacher saved my life. She worked hard to change my perspective. To this day, I have used the wisdom she taught to sit in the launch room of the Space Shuttle. I've written briefs, thanks to her, to Washington, DC that were agreed with. Me, a dumb guy from Utah. Worked around the world. Made a lot of money. Changed the way business was done and fixed things. This isn't about me. It's about you.

You have so much potential. You can offer so much. It seems so confusing now for you. Get that. In spades. It's hard to not let the controllers get in the way. Find a mentor. Someone who sees the value in you who has no agenda.

Learning is so awesome. AP challenges you to see things in a different way. I know school has been dumbed down for a variety of reasons. Just embrace it. Make the most of it. It's 'free.'

Realize that not everything you get taught is worth remembering. In the end, it's about learning critical thinking so you don't become a 'sheeple.'

Back to music. My Mom sent me to piano lessons. Was actually pretty good at it. But, it interfered with fishing, catching frogs, spearing carp, riding my bike, etc (most of that must be illegal now because: PC). I truly wish I still played the piano. Truly. Wish I could play guitar. Harmonica? Sax? Hell, yeah. Sax... if only. I can play a pretty mean iPod, though. ;)

There is most likely nothing you can do about your parents. They are they. It's about you. Holding your own power. Look in the mirror every day and see a wonderful, worthy, beautiful human being. Wipe the steam off first.

Pick what you like. Hold it dear. Coast through the rest.

'From this moment forward, going where I choose. My own master.'

Your parents seem to own you. Four years from now you will be in control of all you want to be.

My parents tried to control me. Kinda a free spirit. Black sheep are awesome.

P.S.: Resist the urge to feel sorry for youself. Waste of time. You are awesome. You are. Trust me. Believe in yourself.

teddy



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/29/2017 07:02PM by incognitotoday.

I played trombone. I wanted to quit band when I got to high school. My mom said just do one more year until the trombone is paid off. I ended up staying in band all through high school and made new friends. But I wasn't doing any advanced classes and hardly ever practiced out of school. I had two different band classes each day.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/29/2017 08:05PM by Drew90.

If this would change anything, band has a much more fun social environment than orchestra in my opinion. If your mom would let you, you could play something there. Band is honestly what got me through high school, I did all of it.. concert band, jazz band, competetive marching band. If you hate music in general this might not help, but it's something you could consider.

I agree about band being a lot of fun in high school, although I started with the violin, and continued to play that in the orchestra. At my high school, orchestra was for the stringed instruments, but there was a symphonic winds group that played with us for the musicals and some concerts. I played the sax in marching band, and in my senior year, the jazz band. If you can, maybe pick up another instrument that will allow you to be in band.

My adult daughters best friend plays the harp. Try and lug that around town (she gets requests to play for weddings, and special other occasions).

you mat hate it now but later in life you will be thank full they pushed you so hard I wish I had parents like that but when I was in high school they had a nasty divorce the only thing to save me was football. If you truly hate it that much you need to open up and talk to your parents about it

pogie Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> you mat hate it now but later in life you will be
> thank full they pushed you so hard I wish I had
> parents like that but when I was in high school
> they had a nasty divorce the only thing to save me
> was football. If you truly hate it that much you
> need to open up and talk to your parents about it

She probably won't be thankful later in life that she was pushed to do an activity her mom wanted her to do and not one she wanted. Five years is more than enough time for anyone to know whether or not she enjoys an instrument. I'm assuming OP is a girl but I may be wrong.

If your mom is that controlling in high school, she probably can't help it. She must know that your first taste of freedom could make you go ballistic. It looks like keeping your head on straight is up to you. You might as well be responsible for you now. There's nothing wrong with disappointing people. That's the only way to unravel their unrealistic expectations.

"What do I do?"

Leave the violin in your lap during evey practice. If the instructor asks you to pick up your violin, clearly and calmly reply,

"I tote this violin around because my mother insists, but I do not want nor intend to play it. My participation in a band woud be, right now, limited to bagpipes. My mother has no interest in what makes me happy, only herself. I've given her five years of it, and that's enough."

Don't throw a fit, simply refuse to put the thing under your chin. When making healthy choices for yourself, "No" is an acceptable response. It'simporant to learn how to set limits and boundaries.

They can lead you to water, OP, but they can't make you drink. And, I think, the other kids would be amazed by your honesty and bravery. You may as well start being a leader in your own life, for if you leave it to your mom, you'll be living her dream, not yours.


Limits - how far you'll go for someone else

Boundaries - how far you will let someone into your life

I didn't think of it before I posted, but the instructor may help you to try out other instruments, like woodwinds or brass, something more in keeping with your preferred instrument. It could be a compromise with your mom, another important life skill, negotiation.

I'm another one who had parents who decided to force music on me. I took piano lessons for a long time and had to go sing at places. I hated it. My parents made me practice an insane amount of time while my friends and neighbors were outside playing. I did OK, but it was forced. The MINUTE they let me, I stopped.

I am a science nerd type who would rather read than anything. I still have no desire to play music or regrets about not keeping it up. I don't think my parents realized where my real interest and abilities were.

It's nice to understand the mechanics of music and how it is written. I do enjoy listening. I do respect musicians and the great music they produce. It just wasn't a driving interest for me.

You never know how it will turn out when people get older. Some people are angry their parents didn't force them. Others, like me, still see it as a giant waste of time and resent their parents forcing what they want over what the child genuinely wants to do. I obtained lessons and exposure to other things for my kids. One showed no interest. The other excelled in jazz guitar. It's hard as a parent to know if the kid just needs the parent to force or depend on the kid's motivation. Each child is different.

Good luck. I hope you can follow your bliss!

I fell in love with the clarinet on sight, and the sound enthralled me. One of the few kind adults in my life, a third-grade music teacher, made the introduction.

After many false promises and much abuse, I was finally, in sixth grade, given an old, $50 clarinet my dad purchased from one of his coworkers, while most all of the other kids had brand-new instruments. Didn't matter, I was making music the day I got it, and became first chair in band.

That didn't matter either, as my father was only interested in Benny Goodman (and a little Glenn Miller), while I was drawn to the classics. When I was placed into a junior quartet (held at the hs about 5 miles away), fostered by a city orchestra (about 10 miles from our rural town), my parents did not support it. My "callings" were cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping and sibling care. I made it to two practice sessions of the quartet, and that was it. I was in the marching band for a couple of years, continuing after that to play for many years, but never Goodman or Miller, and never with anyone else but the record player, to which I would tune my clarinet and play by ear.

My parents made decent money, but their lives, children and purchases were all about them.

Since abuse was involved, I never really had "options." It was back when beating kids was a personal choice, not really a matter of law unless the kid died.

Come to find out, my real passion is and always was piano, and I've taught myself, but still play alone. And, I take an earlier statement back. My niece wanted to play piano, so I taught her, and played clarinet while she played piano, so I have played with another human. :)

When a young person is denied the ability and freedom to chase a healthy dream, I want to help.

My sister was taking an art class in HS. Teacher died and new teacher took over, whom sister did not like. Teacher did things like have someone in another class paint over sister's project the way the teacher wanted it. Sister asked parents if she could drop the class. Parents said no. Sister spent the rest of the semester just sitting there. Refused to do anything. Failed class - parents surprised - sister said "I told you."

Harder to sit and do nothing in an orchestra class, but . . .

The same thing happened to me. My parents bought me a 3/4 cheap little violin in 5th grade when I showed interest in it because of a class offered in school. They never paid for lessons. Couldn't afford them with eight kids, I guess. They forced me to take the orchestra class all the way through my junior year of high school, and didn't allow me to take the art classes I wanted, even though I have actual artistic talent. NO, they "spent good money" on that damned little violin that I'd outgrown for many years. In my senior year I put my foot down and refused to take orchestra. That's when my mother said she'd buy a full sized violin and let me have lessons. Pfft, I said, what's the point? It's too late now. They caved, but were still mad that they wasted $$ on me. That's life in a large MORmON cult family.

One thing to consider. Are you in the habit of starting things and not finishing up? Have your parents invested a lot of money in your instruments and lessons? If so, that might explain why they dont want you to drop orchestra for your latest thing. I am not sayig that is what you have done, but if it is that could explain the attitude of your parents.

Dear Mom - I hate the violin. I will never play it again starting today. I hate the sound of it. It is not who I am. It is time for me to take control of discovering for myself who I am. If I spend my time and energy on trying to be what you want be to be I have nothing left to develop into my own self. I am going to do the Foundations in Art track. I would appreciate your support but I will be doing it regardless.

Like summer said, talk to your guidance counselor, and get switched out of orchestra.

HS and college are times to try different things and to discover what what subjects you like, and to especially find out the ones you don't. You don't like playing the violin. Five years is a sufficient amount of time to figure that out.

As far as taking AP classes as a freshman, you might be enrolled. My kid was in AP English his freshman year, he told me, nope - not for me, and we switched him. Too much stress.

Life's too short to be stressed from all angles, especially when you're 14(ish) and learning about so much more than academics.

I wish you well, and please let us know how you're doing.

Since your mom isn't listening to you for understanding - talk to your guidance counselor and ask him (or her,) to intervene for you, or another family member that backs you. You shouldn't have to do this on your own, or be punished for pursuing something you love while withdrawing from an elective class you clearly despise. No sense making yourself miserable over an instrument.

The guidance counselor may be able to intervene on your behalf. Do it soon, since school is just beginning.

Students can begin taking AP classes as early as 10th grade where we live. It isn't reserved only for juniors or seniors.