Or is it mainly just a time thing. I keep thinking if i gain more true knowledge that that will help somehow but i am not sure if it does. And i keep thinking if i vent and learn knew things on here that that will help speed things up but i am not sure of that either. Atleast i am keeping my mind off of stressful issues i guess.

Time is a big component of healing.
Talking, venting, controling your thoughts and time.

Those are basically the ingredients that have helped me the most.

I'm not a therapist, and I don't know you other than what I see you write here. But I don't mind telling you what works for me. Maybe it will help?

I see all that pain from the past, be it from mormonism or abuse or bullying, bundled up together inside this little girl that I used to be.

This little girl was hurt so, so much. And it really damaged her. And she still hurts and cries and screams from the pain.

I started out just seeing her. Seeing her, and allowing her to be. Allowing her to be hurt, to cry. To scream even. I told her over and over again: "I know you hurt. It wasn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. It's okay to cry. You are safe now."

It took quite some time of doing this for the pain to subside.
In the mean I started to think about how I wanted to live my life. What kind of person did I want to be. I started to realise that I have a future that I can shape into whatever I want it to be! How exciting!!

Then (and still now) whenever I am faced with a situation that touches on that old pain, like when I feel 'not good enough' I face that inner child again. Because I know that self doubt that creeps up, is just her crying with that old pain. I will see her in my mind. I will smile at her and tell her: It's okay, I see you, I feel you. It wasn't your fault. I love you. You are ok.

That somehow then gives me 'space' in my head and heart to breathe and choose how I'm going to deal with the situation at hand. Choose to not be ruled by the old pain, but to take action based on my plan for how I want my life to be from now on.

I'm not sure if this makes sense to you, but this method works really well for me.

You are wounded. You feel hurt and betrayed and a whole lot more. Be nice to yourself!
If a little child, your own or a little brother or sister would come running to you crying in pain what would you do? Would push the child away and say: "get lost, why are you still crying? Shut up already! Don't be such a whimp!"

Would you??
I don't think so.

But please remember that it's a process. It doesn't happen over night. Healing takes time. Take it one step at a time and be kind to your inner child.

You might want to read Eckhart Tolle and Louise Hay. See if they appeal to you. They both have quite a few video's up on youtube as well.

That makes total sense i am just a scared little boy in the end. Not quite sure what to do but scared for sure. I have an eckhart tolle book called "the power of now' but i have only read a few pages.

^^ This ^^^ I love this post. Becca describes it well. I felt such a loss of my own identity and personality when I left the cult. All of those answers that were handed to me by the cult became suspect. I had to question everything I had been taught and who I was as a person. I was in denial for a while but then I became very angry and the morg for what I had been through. I had served a 2-year mission and married in the temple to a horrible person - but she was a mormon so it was supposed to all work out.

I love Becca's thoughts about being kind to your inner, innocent self. The bottom line here is that we were in a cult. Some people claim that it isn't as bad as scientology but it is...its just a little different in some ways but it is still a cult. As a young child I was let into it by people who I trusted and loved.

At least I'm out now and it has been 12 years since I left and I am more at peace with it. Still sometimes angry, sometimes sad but for the most part I'm mostly over it.

I have heard that one can mitigate the effects of cigarette smoking if you simply stop and live healthy for at least half as long as you smoked. So if you smoked for 30 years than in 15 years you should pretty much be over it. This analogy works for me in my path away from mormonism. It takes a lot of time but it does get better.

Good luck!

Thank you, Becca, for that great post! I recently have been giving myself sympathy and understanding, for all my pain. I have PTSD from childhood abuse at the hands of my older brother and at the hands (fists) of a wife-beater thug. But I hadn't realized I had lost my self-esteem and identity through the mental and emotional abuse that the cult heaped upon me, either directly, or through my unloving TBM parents. It also helps to allow myself to cry, sometimes, when the physical pain overwhelms me. I have a painful chronic condition, and the self-kindness helps.

Two opposite things help me. One, is cramming as much NEW information into my mind as possible. Old information is more quickly extinguished, when it is replaced by new information. there have been some interesting learning-theory studies to prove this theory. I know Adam is sick, and it is sometimes difficult to read or study, when you aren't feeling well. Sometimes music, TV or sports push out the bad thoughts.

The opposite of flooding the mind with new information, is emptying the mind, which is what meditation does. Try concentrating on your breath, with eyes closed, in a quiet room, for 1/2 hour. Let the random thoughts come and go, acknowledge them but don't dwell on them, and let them move on. Don't judge your thoughts as good or bad. They are what they are.

Venting on RFM is helpful, of course! Never give up--that's the key to recovery. Be patient and kind to yourself.

The music is a bit much, but the message is powerful: https://youtu.be/oIrT1eHs1b0https://youtu.be/oIrT1eHs

Its not letting me go to it, is it typed in wrong?

This is what i have to do.

Well, after our sermon in church yesterday, I believe I'm going to try. We have a new amazing member of our (UU) congregation who is a ministerial school graduate and doing hospital chaplaincy. As a side, she's also lesbian. I'd never heard her speak but she was the pulpit guest while our regular minister was out. I could have listened to her for hours.

Her sermon was titled "Changing the Tapes." It was about how to quit rewinding the same tapes and playing the same messages in our head that have messed us up or held us back for years. A good deal of it was focused on what she has learned from the people she thought SHE was ministering to. It changed something in me and I can't get it out of my head. I'm not sure if they recorded it, but if they did and post it, I'll send you a link.

Yes, changing the tapes we play in our heads can make a big difference. It's what we tell ourselves over and over.

It took me a long time to figure out that I can actually control my thoughts! What an eye opener!

This is key i think, changing that tape that has been going on for who knows how long.

Meditation will transform your life. Do some reading on it.

My friend keeps telling me to try meditation.

I have found Mindfulness Meditation to be very helpful.

I believe that good book for you to study, not just read, study is John Bradshaw's "The Family"

I hate my family desertman i am not sure thats a good choice.

"The Family"is a great book suggestion-

the book is about dysfunctional families, & it's written in ordinary language (not textbook). Get it for free at your local library.

Any books or DVDs by John Bradshaw are excellent-

heck, go to the library right now. And *please* get some fun silly books or dvds to take your mind off your problems.

Time.

helped me a lot. I was never going back to the leaders about my gay husband. I went inactive as the bishop had actually called me in and told me my husband would be the next bishop or the one after that. I knew my husband was cheating with men while being the executive secretary. Everybody loved my husband, still do. The women just can't help themselves when he is out in the yard. Their husbands aren't worried now that they know the truth.

So I went inactive and as soon as he was released, he went inactive so he wouldn't be called as a bishop. Then he left. Then there were hellish years in between and I was just trying to survive, working 2 jobs, raising my kids, being emotionally and mentally abused by my husband and his boyfriend (still my husband, though really separated for over 20 years).

And then life started getting better, finances got somewhat better, etc. I always thought I'd go back, but one day when I was out walking at the track, it all just fell apart.

The time away from the indoctrination every Sunday I believe is what helped me A LOT. I just didn't think about it. I didn't have time or the energy. Though I used to talk to God as I would walk and cuss him out for what my life was like.

My life has gotten A LOT better and usually I'm in a good place. I'm not right now. My daughter and my sister and my nephew have made my life pretty tough the past week, and I had to start a new job THIS AFTERNOON, learn all the new computer stuff, etc. I've just about had it this past week. And now I'm going to bed with my 2 sweet little rescue dogs (brothers left at the side of the road). My dogs make life worth living.

Whats with mormons and the bishop position? They get tittlated about it or something. I was told that i had great potential in life and then they said i can see you as a bishop. I was so insulted by that comment that is the last thing i think of as being a great man. That is a step down from the life i want. I hate your stupid religion and all its stupid ways i need to be a healthy person again. They dont get it they are so brainwashed its painful.

It's very difficult to move forward while you're looking in the rear-view mirror and just like driving somewhere in a car it takes time to get to your destination. The hardest part is deciding where you want to go.

Good point and i am not exactly sure where i want to go but anything is better than where i have been.

Time and social life

I do need a real social life for sure.

All of the ideas listed above are good. But you need to get training in Dialectial Cognitive Therapy which is not talk therapy. It's about activities to help you develop skills, knowledge and abilities to find your inner truth, recover, heal and design a new life works for you. I had years of training. Some was free by doing clinical research. They actually paid me to be in their program. Check online at clinical research via government or hospital sites. They pay and are legitimate. Also, learn everything you can about co-dependency and narcissism because you survived that. Read all books by John Bradshaw, Melody Beattie and Charles Whitfield. Start writing a journal and park your negative emotions in your journal. Hit a pillow. Scream, yell, unload your frustrations at old shoes.

I have done the screaming thing but i think i need to do it again and maybe punch it a few times. My counselor told me i have gotten past the worst of being away from a control freak narcissist but i am not so sure. She says most people that try to get away from the abusive person or people do not make it like their life is taken in some way. I will admit the first six months was rough thinking i still needed a controller in my life. Its about finding my own strength now but i am definitely not as strong as i want to be thats for sure.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/19/2017 11:27PM by badassadam.