Posted by:
Survivalist
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Date: September 20, 2017 02:41AM
I'm sorry about your friend, and he was right - live, no matter what. He must have been smart, and a good friend to you. I'm sorry he's gone.
Music is good, too, and driving okay so long as you're okay to keep your mind on the road. Feels good to blast music in the middle of nowhere, singing and screaming along.
Remember to drink plenty of water, you need to heal, and you can't do that if you're dehydrated.
Pain will make a person angry and depressed, all by itelf, even without any help from triggers. Those are normal reactions, and brace a little for what I'm about to say.
For me, the pain helped me to find my anger, and man, was there ever a lot of it. All my life, I was never "allowed" to be the mad one, because it had always been my job to calm things down. All the while, I was being abused, but of course, was always told it was my fault and that I deserved it. You can bet your sweet bippy I was building up and holding in the anger.
I never cried either. I wouldn't show weakness. I was sort of like one of those wildebeasts, trying to stare down a lion. I came off like - I don't know, like, "Do what you want, you can't break me."
So, when my back went out from all that abuse, it was so freaking unfair! I had just gotten away from all of them, started healing emotionally (so I thought), and WHAM! I stood up from a sitting position, and couldn't move. Screaming, white-light type pain, like broken bones, from the waist down.
I told the docs to fix me, to operate, do whatever needed to be done. Nothing could be done. In my case, surgery had only s tiny chance of helping, and a much greater chance of making it worse. They did the injections, not much help at all, gave me fist loads of narcotics, which ended up going down the drain. The pills made the world a "happy" place, where there was no such thing as a problem. I don't like pain, but I liked the idea of becoming addicted even less, so I got rid of the pills and told them no more.
So the pain came back, and if I had kept the pills, I would have taken them. Instead, I had to deal with the pain. What really made me angry, besides all of that, is it felt like the abuse was happening all over again. I was finally free to learn how to express my rage for my abusers.
The better I got at expressing my anger, the more free I became to get to the sorrow that was underneath the anger. And it was kind of sudden. It was like the anger was a big weight, holding the sorrow down, and I was chipping away at the anger, off-loading it, bit at a time. All of a sudden, I could cry, and at first, I cried at the drop of a hat. No kidding. I cried at the sight of certain strangers, at how vulnerable baby geese looked, when I heard a baby's voice giggle, when someone had a birthday or wedding. I cried over documentaries.
It sounds silly now, but all of those things would trigger a thought or memory, and I had a lifetime of sorrow to catch up on.
Your emotions can and will heal. If you want to believe in something, believe in that, believe in yourself, your ability to heal. I think you might be chipping away at your anger, and that's a good thing. No one should have to carry that weight around his entire life.
Keep chipping, dear badass, dear Adam, we're here for you.