https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-long-half-life-of-trauma/Google "PTSD secondary wounding" for a wealth of information; I didn't invent it.
Naming a thing for what it is, is not to say that the (unknowing) poster had ill intent. Secondary wounding is real, and my intent was and is to raise awareness, especially for badass, so he can recognize and dismiss the wounding as [the writer] not understanding the harm done.
As a survivor traveling the path that is causing badass so much pain, my desire is to let him know that he is not alone on the path, and that there are tools - many of them come from recognizing and being able to develop methods for coping with the constant pain.
Yes, secondary wounding does raise a red flag for me, and I intended to point it out. I know that it is most often not done to harm, no intentional malice, but harm is the result. If a survivor cannot identify it, he likely will internalize it as "something is wrong with me."
Survivors who can recognize and categorize it can ease the pain of it, not accept self-blame, and become more accepting of their very valid reactions.
Red-flag reading a skill that would benefit you, badass, and that's what I'd like for you to take away from this. At first, when we start to heal, those red flags hurt, and we either take the pain (internalize it), get angry, or both. Someone telling us to discount our pain is a trigger. When a trigger happens, and the blood boils, we get tunnel vision and react in survival mode. That is a normal, human reaction to pain, but those with PTSD have extra-strong reactions, because our bodies have been conditioned to pump loads of adrenaline into our systems.
And here's the thing about that -
Let's say that one time, while a person was being abused, he heard the sound of leaves blowing and rustling in a strong wind, and the smell of an approaching storm. As a child, his mind is trying to cope with the abuse happening at the same time, so it focuses on the stormy weather, throughout this session of abuse.
Fast forward many years. He has escaped the abuse, went on with his life, done productive things and never really dwelled on his pain. But, he gets tense and irritable whenever a storm is coming, and reacts to others from those moods. Others react to his dislike of storms by calling him names, telling him he's stupid, to quit being a baby. He accepts that they are right, but he has no control over his reaction, and doesn't know why he has such a reaction.
Out of the hundreds of times he was abused, there may be many such shifts of focus, but no specific memory. If abused once or twice a week, once or twice a month, during a person's entire childhood, who could remember - and who would want to - each shift of focus used, each smell, sight, sound, word, etc.?
Those can become triggers. Identifying them eventually removes the power they hold over our minds and bodies.
Telling a person to ignore them is not helpful.
An example -
A woman I know is deathly afraid of rabbits. People make fun of her, and bring her "joke" gifts of little rabbit toys, figurines, pictures. They love to tease her about it, and she gets a half-grimace, half-grin on her face and takes it in seemingly good humor.
I bought her a little Yosimite Sam toy, slighty larger than most of the figurines. It took center stage among her menagerie. Later, the subject of her fear came up, I didn't laugh, asked her if she knew why she was afraid, and she fought tears as she shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. I told her it was okay, took her hand, and she squeezed mine.
Those who bring her rabbits don't intend to hurt her, and are trying to make her less sensitive to rabbits, but are likely imparting the opposite effect. Does it make them "bad?" No. It means that they are unaware of the consequences of their behavior.
I know what fear and pain feel like for me, but I don't know what they feel like for her. I know that being human animals, we have the power to gain mastery of many of our thoughts, but to do that, we must be able - free - to pay attention to them.
In my case, my abusive father loved the weather, the nastier, the better. I absolutely knew I would never be abused during a tornado warning or oncoming storm, because he was enjoying himself elsewhere. For most of my life, I didn't know why I liked storms. To this day, decades later, I feel myself relax when faced with "nasty" weather, and people still think I'm weird. I get it, and their name-calling can no longer hurt me, nor do I feel a need to explain. I am empowered by knowing my history. I "got over it," but not by thinking that I was "supposed to be the same as everybody else." Knowing my triggers allowed me to let go their expectations of me.
I've identified many of them, but there are more. The more I know, the more manageable my thoughts and reactions.
Yes, most everyone has experienced trauma, but those who experience it regularly throughout developmental years are prone to self-harming thoughts and behaviors. That was the long-term conditioning wrongly, criminally, thrust upon them, us, usually in our own homes, a place that is to now be supposedly "safe," a place we may now have trouble relaxing, a place where they now may turn to self-harm.
It's a matter of degree. In moism, abusers will justify the abuse using their "authority of god," adding heaping, stinking, filthy layers of self-guilt and thought control (mental chains) onto the truly innocent victims. The victims become survivors by identifying and clearing that excrement from their minds, hearts, souls and homes. We all deserve this freedom, and it takes time and compassion.
I don't "police" this forum, and am grateful that you reacted, anonuk. It gave me this opportunity to try to explain, and I intend you no slight or harm, nor do I think that those were your intent.
My earlier post - I was limited for time, and used the caps as a short-cut to emphasize the concept. I apologize to all.
I am aware of my different "modes," from being all calm and rational, to nearly completely triggered and "ready to go a few rounds." I was somewhere on that spectrum in my earlier post. I do not claim mastery. I claim progress. It is all someone like me can do.
Yup. That's me - a survivalist.