Hello.
I am new here and will first introduce myself.
I am an 18 year old male from germany.

So i still live with my mother, shich is still a mormon and want to leave the mormons but i still like act active.
I kind of feell pressured by my mom, who is an active believer, to stay by the way she acts, that makes me feel insecure pabout even telling her that i don't want to go to church on sundays, because she'd want a good reason for that and i kinda don't like to talk about things like that.

So i kinda would like some advice and some support on talking to my parents about that.....
Thanks in advance

Welcome to RfM, sharpenedpencil. :)

There is going to be some good advice coming along soon, but in the meantime, there are some additional things we need to know:

You are eighteen. You are still living with your mother, and I assume that she is financially supporting you--which means: HER financial resources are YOUR total financial resources...is this correct?

Are you planning on additional education? I know that Germany has (by American standards) "enormous" financial benefits available to German students, but I don't know specifically what these are. If you are planning to take advantage of German benefits for university (or other, post-secondary education), please tell us what the benefits YOU are planning to use are?

Will these benefits, regardless of what they are, be capable of supporting you through your post-secondary education?

Do you have a job now, or did you have a job in the past, which would/will support you for the next few years (whether you go to university or not)?

If you stop going to Mormon church, will your mother allow you to keep living in her house, and will she continue to buy your food, clothes, etc.? (Many Mormon parents here in the United States "kick out" their newly-adult offspring if those new adults stop going to church, or refuse in other ways to maintain their Mormon lives.)

Are you planning, or have you thought about, legally resigning your membership in the Mormon church?

Important: What are your long-term/lifetime goals as a new adult?

What do you want to become? (Meaning: doctor, school teacher, engineer, mechanic, or whatever.)

How do you see your future? What are your present plans for your own future which will create the long-term goals you have now?

Once we know some of these things, it will be much easier for everyone to answer your concerns.

Again...Welcome to RfM! We are glad to have you here.

I dont have a job
I plan to get a joband i am in a school to learn a job but for the next three years i am still going to be dependent on my mothers financial support.
I don't think my mother will kick me out as she still has a fairly good relationship to my brother whom she did not kick out even as he was doing drugs.

So, you are in the Hauptschule aren't you?

Nope i am in a Berufsschule

Sorry, but I learn only three type of schools during my german classes (Gymnasium, Realschule and Hauptschule).
So you are going to study while working, I would say that you must save money in case things turn difficult and meanwhile I think the best would be to act as a mormon.

PS: Nowadays my german is pretty bad.

If you are dependent on your mother and cannot move away, you might have to wait.

Can you get a job that needs you to work Sundays?

Is your mother someone who studies and reads? Do you think she would be reasonable about studying church history with you? (Probably not)

Can you do some nice things for her while she is at church (yard work, housework or errands) that would make her see that you are a good person even if you don't go to church.

Don't give her a reason to think you have "moral" problems. If you do have to discuss it, stick to the facts about church history and that you simply don't believe.

Be sure and thank her for teaching you to think for yourself and for her support. She will think she is a failure if you leave the church, but you can let her know she is a good parent.

Good luck. It is difficult to know what to do. The relationship with family who are members of the church is easily damaged when one leaves.

The church in Germany is probably not as bad as in Utah, kind of the same way McDonalds in France doesn't serve garbage. There are local standards.

Your mother has you, and you have her. It's too bad her church is taking advantage of her, but you can always make the best of a bad situation. Mormons are the best pretenders on the planet. As long as you're living under that roof, it's your job to pretend. Trust me, it's the easiest job you'll ever have.

Generally we advise young people who are dependent on their parents' housing or money to "go along to get along." Going to church for three hours every Sunday will be a lot cheaper than having to provide your own housing. It will give you a good incentive to get your training to get a job that pays well.

Thisis a toughest time of life IMO..her house her rules...as one poster said pretending will be the easiest job there is...we wish so much to call our own shots...to determine our own destiny...that power comes with responsibility that few teens wish to take...all the power...none of the responsibility...being self supporting opens that door...if moms paying the bills you owe her at least rudimentary respect and deference...I'm always amazed at the lack of respect teens have for providing parents...then cry when they get their scrawny asses booted...rule one...don't be a dick...rule two....refer to rule one...if it means sitting through a few boring church sessions I'd say that's fair trade for a roof clothes and food....some parents certainly don't deserve huge respect but by and large most are honestly doing the very best they know how...ymmv...I did it so can you...I'd guess my old man was as tough to tolerate as there is...needless to say...I was paying all my own bills right outta high school

Skip church occasionally and don't do everything mormons expect. There's usually no need for a major sit down talk or explanation. Just ease out gradually and don't make a big deal of it.

"Mom, I think I'll skip church this week. I'm just too tired to pay attention and need a break."

Hi sharenedpencil, and welcome to the board!

Your primry concern seems to be for your mom's feelings in reaction to the news that you are a non-believer.

There are two basic ways to tell her.

The first, which I would NOT recommend, is what we call "rip off the bandaid," which bluntly means, "Inflict the pain all at once to get it over with (cruel to be kind thinking). In the case of leaving what is a very cultish church but not wanting to alienate believers whom you care about, bandaid-ripping does not go well, and many regret having taken an initial, oppositional stance. It scares (can terrify) your loved ones, often sends them in tears to the bishop and/or other members, and before you know it, you are being called [bad] names, and alternately love-bombed or shunned. It plays into the "us versus them" atmosphere that the church wishes to assign to apostates. It risks your becoming a "ward project," in attempts to draw you back in. The shock of it sets up a negative start to your exit for the believers you love.

The gentler approach is to make no "announcement." Very slowly start deacreasing your attendance, declining callings, and let your family members and friends acclimate to your being "less active." Your initial goal is not to haul them kicking and screaming from all they hold dear in religion. Your initial goal is to gain your freedom without hurting those you love.

In religion, there really is no way to say kindly, "Your beliefs are based on lies." Outright stating that you believe your shared religion is based on a lie is the same thing, and I recommend you not try. They must come to it on their own, and you will have opportunity to help, but if it happens, it may take some time. What you can do now is to learn about those lies, be prepared to help.


Tell NO one stll in the cult of your lack of belief. NO friend, no family member. Their first loyalty is to the cult, and the only secret you can keep is the secret you keep.

There are those who might claim it is "best" to rip off the bandaid (honesty is the best policy), and there may be situations where that might hold true, but from your posts, I'm not sure that is true for you.

I'm more in mind to care for and about the long-term relationships that you hold dear. Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, right? You are attempting to indoctrinate a true believer into the idea that you are as "worthy" of her love and support as an apostate as you were when you believed, so ;) "milk before meat" becomes a two-way street.

You have learned how this woman needs to be taught; she must be ever-so-slowly immersed into these ideas. Make no overt statements of disbelief or ideas that will scare her. The first step is slowly become less active. You can even keep a private calendar, and update it as things progress.

I agree with dagney in choosing your behavior; behave kindly and considerately. I would add that unlike the church's "milk," not to outright lie to her. Evade direct questions (change the subject, and practice at that). and learn to give nonspecific answers. Don't say that you're not going today because you "don't feel well," then weed the garden. Say instead that you'd like or need a day off to tend some matters, and be firm in not going. If she insists on a reason, say, "I'm 18, mom, I love you dearly, but my reasons are my own." (Then make her take a hug and a kiss on the cheek.) ;)

I think not lying will be especially important for you, because she has gone through the hell of loving an addicted child, who likely lied to her as a rule. You should remain trustworthy. You can keep your integrity, and *slowly* reveal your authentic, beautifully free self.

Keep reading and posting. This is a long-term effort, and the example you set for her - who knows, she may learn to think in freer ways, no kicking and screaming involved.

Kindest regards to you.