Posted by:
Survivalist
(
)
Date: October 09, 2017 08:34PM
I think there is a "cure moment," badass, and I think you're in it. It's just not what you expected - not like taking the sutures out, and saying, "Glad that's over with."
But, remember for a moment how lost and raw and vulnerable you felt when you first started posting here. Do you realize how much stronger you are now? Damn, I do! Your brain is airing out - like you're lancing old wounds to let the infection drain. Getting rid of that old junk is also making room for new ways of thinking, new ways of being, new freedoms.
For me, there was no one single moment or step that I can call my "cure moment." There's been a lot of moments, steps, work, a lot of venting, crying, laughs, and many, many good people who encouraged me, helped me to find ways to think, ways to offload the pain and anger, and I can honestly look back and see how much I've grown and healed. I still have bad days, I think everyone does, and some are worse than others. What I have much, much more of than I did in the beginning is hope.
If I had to "measure" my healing, I think that "hope" is the yardstick I would use. I used to feel hopeless all the time. If I had to hazard a guess, I would guess that you felt pretty hopeless when you were trapped in it.
I have hope for my future, and I often can see the hope you have for yours. Those are your healing moments, badass. They stack up in time, and eventually, you have more hope than you have pain. When you have a little moment of hope, it's like another one of the hundreds of sutures have been removed. Yes, there are more sutures, and you're working on them. It's okay.
The anger you want and need to vent, those hard moments are healing moments, too.
There's a poem that one of the good people here shared, and I'd like to share it with you.
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The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
-Jellaludin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks
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Uh, yeah, thank you, but this pain is a bit much to want to welcome it again, tomorrow. And, I don't much trust anything that is said to be from "the beyond." None of that was the point, though. For me, it was about *the healing* that was a hopeful, even joyful, consequence of going through the pain.
(I just thought of "the beyond" as "beyond this moment," because thinking that way helped me to make sense of what it was trying to say.)
I think you're one of the bravest people I've e-known. You put it out there, Adam, and your honesty - let me put it this way. I USED to be pretty damn proud of my honesty, 'til I met you. You are amazing, and whether you know it or not, you set a damn high bar for authenticity. You give so freely, so fairly, you sometimes put me to shame.
Let the anger happen (safely), and know that you are in your healing moment. :)
And, when you need a distraction, do you like movies? Sometimes, all I'm up for is vegging on a show or something, and I'm going to confess here. I was never allowed to watch cartoons very much when growing up, so a dear person helped me learn to enjoy them. Sort of like being the kid I was never allowed to be. There's one, called Turbo Snail, and the way Turbo never gives up, well, he reminds me of you. :)