What is wrong with me? I guess i am mad at everybody and i can no longer hide it or even want to hide it. She was in town for some reason and drove up to my dad's house and she saw me getting the mail and she started yelling at me to say hello but i just kept walking into my house like she wasn't there. I feel like i don't even know those guys or ever knew those guys now that i know what they do behind closed doors. It is such a strange thing to be in a different world then them. But i am definitely pissed about the past. Am i a cold-blooded person now i felt it was the right decision to ignore her.

Why are you mad at her personally?

She's been duped like you were. Only difference is she doesn't realize it yet.

Are you going to ignore your family going forward, or is it just temporary while you work things out?

Just temporary probably i don't know i don't want to cause conflict right now.

Yeah, because shunning/ ignoring your sister while she tries to say hello to you shouldn't cause any conflict, right?

She might see speaking as opening to to preach at or harangue her brother who is already overwhelmed. Perhaps not saying anything would let her know that he wasn't feeling capable of communication and she should honor that message.

Yes, not speaking might make a tentative situation worse, but we don't know that for a fact.

A hello is just a hello. Three weeks ago I learned a friend of mine commitied suicide. I'm still in shock. It has changed my perspective. For example, I
ran into a woman from the cult on the street who used to be my VT. I hadn't seen or talked to hear from for three years when I left the cult. But she hurt me with her gossiping, back-stabbing, phony friendship. She disgusted me. My attitude has changed. I stopped to say hello. She was holding her 1st son who's three months old. We chatted and I told her I left the cult, was very clear why, mentioned the CES Letter, etc. She said she's now a fence sitter and searching for her truth. She was happy for me that I found my truth. Conclusion: people change and we can only hope for the better. I understand that you have been hurt and want that pain to stop. It's okay to say hello and wave. It doesn't cost you anything. Give it a try. Also, DBT will help you deal with your issues. It worked for me.

Unless your sister has done something specifically to harm you or to be mean to you, I would maintain friendly relations.

You will be angry the rest of your life.

Or until you get tired of being angry.

Takes a lot of energy, but try to keep it up.

How do you know i will be angry the rest of my life? Is that what has happened with you free man? And the rest of the people here?

Anger eats you away. I like the idea of loving your enemy and forgiving others. Haven't we all made mistakes?

Maybe try to let your anger go just a little at a time. If someone has treated you well, try not to be angry at that person. You may never get past being angry with the major perpetrators in your trauma, but then again you might. It's not that they deserve forgiveness, and you certainly have no obligation to allow them into your life again. It's just that giving up the anger frees you to experience more important and productive emotions.

That, however, is for miles down the road if ever. For now, just try not to misdirect your anger onto those who do not deserve it.

Also consider that siblings don't always share everything. Your sister may have been a victim, too.

Nothing is "wrong" with you, badass; your reactions are normal for you. Your sister is welcome in the house where they condemn you. Your instincts are protecting you, and that's healthy.

In my family, there were the perpetrators of abuse, and also the so-called "silent" abusers. I write "so-called silent," because their only "silence" was in not acknowledging the abuse. They were quite vocal in their support of the abusers, even after they became aware of the full extent of the abuse.

They had not been as badly abused as I had been, so they did not have as strong of motivations as I did to speak truth, bring the family dysfunctions out of the closet. They wanted to remain "happy" in their denial of just how horrible my childhood had been. If they had accepted my words, they could not then "be on the side" of the abusers. They saw it as a mission to shut me up, so they could keep the unhealthy family dynamics undisturbed.

Your instincts are telling you that your sister would bring this sort of denial of your pain, a secondary wounding. Those telling you that it's only "saying hi," may not understand dysfuntional family dynamics where physical abuse occurs, where every family member must "play the game" of silence about the abuse, and condemn those who need to speak out about it, those who need tell the history accurately in order to heal.

My sisters, at first, tried those syrupy sweet "hellos" and chats, moved into subtly questioning my sanity, then became verbally abusive, and even slapped me. They called me a liar, possessed by demons, you name it. They were desperate to keep my mouth shut about the facts of our family.

It got to the point where I instinctively knew the "language of silence" from non-family members, those who would want to minimize or deny that "anything that bad" had happened to me, because they were uncomfortable with my stories for their own reasons. I went through a phase of healing where I couldn't be around those sorts. I've reached the point where I can tolerate them for short bursts, but don't want to know them on any deeper level. I'm not strong enough for those long-term mind games.

Sometimes, a "hello" can open a person to harm, so trust your instincts. Not speaking to your sister is setting a (self) limit that may well be protecting you from more loads of bs and pain, and there's nothing wrong about setting and knowing your limits.

Hug your instincts, say thanks to them. Say hello to healing. :)

I think you do understand survivalist. I am mad at her for staying silent over all the years. As for me i have to face the truth i don't have any other choice if i desire to get better. My instincts told me to stay away so i did, i know one thing would lead to another if i don't do this and i am not ready for a verbal battle right now. I just want to continue to heal in peace. Leave all the bs and fantasy stuff to them.

Good for you, badass :) You were quite aware in the limits and boundaries parts of healing. You should view this as a "win."

Win some, lose some, the important thing is to keep trying. Mistakes will happen, and that's okay, because mistakes help us learn.

Reminder of the day:

Limits - How far you will go for others

Boundaries - How far you will let others in

Walls - Impenetrable structures erected for protection. (may be healthy or unhealthy - healthy walls protect health; unhealthy walls protect dysfuntion)


Unfortunately, you have to communicate your boundaries (they can't read your mind), but you only need do this once. So if she calls or comes knocking, tell her once to you leave you alone until you call her (maybe later, maybe never), then let the police handle it. Don't be your own "cop" (that can get you in trouble). You could also put a sign on your door - "no family or other solicitors" ;) if you don't want to speak at all.

Remember that healthy limits and boundaries change and flex as you change and heal. Later on, you may wish to communicate with family, or not. Your family, like mine, is not so healthy, so they may build unhealthy walls, the very nature of the dysfunctions over which you have no control. In other words, be prepared for them to "lock their doors" against speaking to you. The sad part is if you need to leave them behind, to dwell in their mental prisons, as you continue to change and heal.

For now, you need space and time to heal, and it is your right (and honor to yourself) to contruct and enforce your own limits, boundaries and walls.

My best to you, badass. :)

Be nice to her, what if your whole family died?

I would feel nothing honestly they caused so much hell and suffering in my life that no words could describe. They are dead to me if i am to get better i feel.

Badassadam1 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I would feel nothing honestly they caused so much
> hell and suffering in my life that no words could
> describe. They are dead to me if i am to get
> better i feel.


I get this. I don't feel this way about my own family, but my brother-in-law, who's TBM, would probably go to the nearest bar and buy a round of drinks for everyone there if his entire side of the family (minus the children; I assume he wishes no ill on them) unexpexctedly went down in a plane crash with no survivors.

I know family and a brother-in-law that would rejoice if i died as well. It is extra motivation to get better for sure.

I think you have to ask yourself how you'd feel if your sister were to pass away tomorrow. Would you feel bad?

I speak somewhat from experience here. My little sister went ballistic at me at a family Christmas get together when I questioned her about an accident she'd had. I decided then and there that I was done with her and didn't actually speak to her again.

She died about 5 years after that and I felt absolutely nothing.

I'm now an only child since my brother passed. While my brother and I didn't agree on a lot of things, we could at least talk. Him I miss daily. My sister gets the occasional thought, and still, I can't say that I miss her. Sad but true. Some people are just so disagreeable that they're just not good to be around; that was my sister.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/28/2017 11:55AM by captainklutz.

I feel that way about my younger TBM brother. He's done some very low down things as an adult, that were deceitful and underhanded.

When he dies, should he predecease me, I doubt I'm going to feel a whole lot of sorrow for his passing.

Had to cut off ties to him after he deliberately helped to alienate my daughter from me while she was a teenager, and later when she was an adult.

That was in addition to his trying to steal my children when they were infants as he and his wife were infertile in the first years of their marriage. They coveted mine to the point he and she attempted to do a character assassination of me where my children and I were attending TSCC.

I disowned him then when the SHTF. My dad called a family council with him in SLC and my two other brothers to tell him sternly to back off. The rest of my family was prepared to go to court for me and testify against him if necessary. He backed off, only to start up again years later after dad had passed.

So I've written him off. He's a self-righteous bigot and hypocrite. His wife is one of the biggest snobs you'll ever meet. At first I wondered if I was the only one who thought that way, until I met some former roommates of hers from BYU at nursery one Sunday (out of the blue.) They told me she was like that when she was in college - very stuck up then. She looked down her nose at everyone. That's when I learned it wasn't personal.

Someone who is recovering from mormonism needs to see recovery as a higher priority than making contact with TBMs at every opportunity. Nothing wrong with that.

Exactly it is a priority above everything else right now. I have to get better at all costs my life depends on it.

I was thinking that only he knows how he is feeling. For me (and per my therapist), the only way to get rid of the anger is to allow yourself to be angry. Quit trying to suppress it. We were taught in mormonism that being angry was a bad thing. It isn't. You have to allow yourself to be angry.

If you're bothered, just say sorry next time you see her or call and leave that message.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/29/2017 12:01PM by Cheryl.