So when I left my #1 worry was my marriage ending. Well it did. I felt glee and freedom when I left the church. But we both realized that this marriage was not going to work. That I did not want to be in a family. I realized that I never wanted a family life, but that is just what you do.

So now I am living across the country from my kids. I let her take them. It was a good decision. I agreed to pay her $500 a month and cover her and the kids on health insurance for the next 3 years. Then it stops. (I worked in family court and know this agreement is not binding, but we promised I don't try to deconvert the kidsand she doesn't come for my money. I will skype with the kids every Wednesday for a few hours.

I had a panic attack in the middle of court today. Did some breathing exercises and nobody noticed. BUt I emailed everyone and said I am taking the rest of week off sick due to my wife leaving me.

You have my condolences. Stay strong, my friend.

What a sad time for you. I hope you can find a way to live that will bring you peace and happiness.

Best Wishes,
P

I understand what you are going through.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you find peace.

Sorry to hear. Can you spend time on the phone calling them daily to say hi for a couple of minutes, I am thinking of you. Can you send them funny cards in the mail to encourage your kids and let them know they are loved?

I talk to them on the phone often. I also Skype every wednesday for a few hours. I like the idea of sending cards in the mail. They would love that! THanks for the tip!

Consider taking pictures of things that may be of family importance, personal interest, amusement, or simple beauty ad text the to them. It shows they are in your thoughts.

what you're describing was the way it played out for me.

I've 'bragged' that when I first went through the temple, I came out knowing that the mormon church was not being led by men in contact with ghawd. But since I'd been guided by the church since I was about nine years old, and had placed my trust in some really great human beings, I just continued on the same path I'd been following. Back in the 60s, the phrase, "mormonism is a great place to raise a family" really had resonance.

So I was a mormon-atheist. It made going on a mission a whole lot easier!

So back from my mission, and at the Y it only took a few dates before I found someone to go steady with. That's the mormon way, right? I had my first date with her in late October and by the time X-mess break rolled around, she invited me to visit her in Los Angeles. So after X-mess, I toddled down from Las Vegas and met the parents. They took us to Disneyland.

We were sitting in her parents' kitchen, chatting, and suddenly I heard her say (I don't remember the exact words, nor the exact question or comment she was responding to) "we're getting married." And we did, that following May 30, the day after the last day of school, in the St. George temple. It was only my third time through the temple and it was as convincing as ever that there was zero influence from anything divine.

Fast forward three kids and seven years later and there was no way I could stay married and remain sane. So we divorced. Her parents had moved to Texas and she took off with the three kids, after a CA court awarded her child support. I could have fought removal of the kids from CA, but didn't. I saw them every summer, sometimes going there for a week and sometimes they came and stayed a month. I never missed a support payment and even sent her the money for the months I had the kids, because I agreed with her that she still had the same basic expenses for the month, even with them gone.

By the time the middle girl reached junior high, she wanted to live with me, so I got her for five years of school. The youngest, a boy, became a golf fanatic and I had him for the entire summer his last three years in high school. Their mom tried to get them to believe, but they never did, and maybe my example influenced them, but I never preached against the church. Even the oldest girl, TBM then and TBM now, seemed to enjoy staying with me for the summers. After her senior year she worked for me until the start of school at the Y.

Now the kids are all in their 40s, I'm tight with the two youngest, who live in CO and UT. The oldest seems to like me okay, but its obvious she doesn't want me influencing her kids with my atheist ways, so we'll visit briefly (dinners) when they're visiting Disneyland, which apparently has become a church ordinance, but I am not allowed to be alone with them. Makes me sound like a pedophile, huh?

I have to be fair and compliment my temple bride (we're still sealed!!) for not trashing me with the kids when they were little. I hope your ex does the same for you. If they get to know the genuine you, they'll adapt to it, and if you love them, they'll know it. As they age, they'll ask questions, of you, of others and of themselves, and they'll use the answers to formulate their philosophies for getting along in life. Especially in this day and age, the church may not be a factor in their lives.

Like you, they want to be happy, and they'll work with what they're given to make that happen. If you're a factor in their lives and you contribute to that, then they'll keep you around. Dads are important to kids and they'll be watching, and judging you as you play your role in their lives. They'll always want more, but they are very likely to be happy with what they can get.

And don't try to buy their love. They may like that you spend money on them, but it's how much effort you put into the time you're with them or talking to them that counts.

As for the 'alone' part, man, that sucked donkey balls!! It wasn't hard to find females to take up my lonely time, but at least for me, that wasn't the answer. I learned to enjoy being alone, to not blindly run somewhere to avoid having no one to talk to. Maybe it's not a necessity, but I believe that if you're not happy when you're by yourself, it's going to be harder to be happy when you're with someone else. I know I'm not expressing this as well as I'd like to...

How about this: I think people can tell if you like yourself. And if you can't stomach being alone with yourself, it's not much of a stretch to figure that people are going to eventually figure that out and decide that if you don't like you, why should they?

Fathers divorcing their wives and giving up custody are not popular figures in pretty much any segment of society, but shit happens and the days and years pass and suddenly you take stock and realize that it all seems to have worked out. I hope it works out for you.

Thanks, elderolddog, there's a lot of wisdom in your post.

If you can stay sane while being alone for a long time i think that that is a big deal.

Said he's not that interested in family, so not sure how good some of this advice is.

I had to spend a couple months away from my kids while doing military training and I about died. But not everyone is like that.

Did you move across the country or did she?

Ideally dad would be across the street, but never seems to work that way. Usually have to go nuclear.

We see once again the fraud that is marriage.

I'm guessing he's not interested in the ex-wife, and it's not a 'family' if there's no wife. I'm a rotten human being, but I liked my kids and I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt in that regard.

Still love the kids. What I meant is that family always caused me anxiety. I didn't like Christmas because it meant having to be around people who just make me sad.

My wife was the one who moved across the country to stay with parents. I'll be in my kids life digitally, and I'm ok with that.

I'm curious... Are you an only child?

Youngest of five boys raised by a single mom. I don't talk to half of my family. I spent so many years trying to make family work, it is just so hard with my past. I would have stayed single if I wasn't Mormon.

Digitally. Wow.

Wow, a digital father. Every kid's dream!

ghawd save us from privileged harridans.

$500 per month is NOTHING! I hope she goes after you for decent alimony and child support.

Well that is in addition to covering all of their medical as well. So it is closer to $1000 a month if you count everything.

Yep, dads who 'let go' of their kids are not popular.

Big deal. Not enough.

Why should she get alimony? If she's able bodied, she can get a job. As for the rest of it, I will agree $500 is not much, especially for more than one kid.

For eleven years, my husband paid $2550 a month for three kids, one of which wasn't even legally his. His ex wife proceeded to alienate the kids to the point at which they refused to speak to him for years. The oldest one, his former stepson whose father quit paying child support when the boy was six years old, later contacted my husband and collected child support until he was 21 years old. It eventually became clear he was only deigning to talk to my husband because he was interested in keeping the money coming.

The older daughter hasn't seen or spoken to my husband since 2004. The youngest, who had been the most hateful of the three, went on a mission, married a RM, and recently had a baby boy. Just this year, she started emailing my husband on a monthly basis. While I'm glad she's communicating, I don't trust her. But, at this point, I don't have to have anything to do with her.

My husband's decision to leave the Mormon church was one of the reasons his ex decided that extreme parental alienation and financial extortion was appropriate. However, it's pretty clear to us that even if the church wasn't a factor, she would have still alienated the kids. She was not LDS when she alienated her son from his father. She has since had two more kids with her third husband. I hope he's been taking notes.

I agree. Five hundred for 6 months for 3 kids and a wife and he agrees to not "deconvert" them.

Not right. Child/spousal support needs to support and is not contingent upon a religion or whether or not the kids agree to see the absent parent.

As for the person who said "why does she get money, she's able bodied?" Alimony is, in part, designed to support the parent who raises the kids bc their income is limited and because our society, theoretically, sees value in actually raising kids, rather than leaving them to flounder on their own. Maybe the wife missed vital working years staying away from her job so she could be at home with the kids. At the very least, was the spouse always available to stay at work building her career when she was caring for the kids? Not likely. Now the 2nd person responsible is gone an it's all on her and he "let her take them," whatever that means.

But he said he didn't want kids or a family to begin with. Despite that, he has 3 of them and an ex-wife who has full responsibility for his kids. Maybe his panic attack was reflective of this.

I honestly feel for his plight at the hands of TSCC but he's a father of 3 children and they're real, whether they're across the country and never wanted them or not.

I don't think "my money" is the right attitude when someone has 3 kids and an ex-wife who. presumably he made agreements with when they decided to have the kids to begin with.

I know what alimony is. My husband paid it to his ex wife until she got remarried. But once that happened, she simply asked my husband to pay another $300 a month in child support, which almost made up for the alimony she had been receiving.

I stand by my comment that if either partner is able-bodied, they shouldn't receive alimony unless it is for a very good reason. Child support is for the children, and that is as it should be. Alimony is for the ex spouse, and should be reserved for situations in which that person honestly cannot support themselves without help. When it is awarded, I think it should be temporary unless, again, there's a very good reason it shouldn't be.

I do agree, however, that people should be a lot more careful about sharing their DNA and not make kids they either don't want or make them with people they can't stand.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/08/2017 07:21AM by knotheadusc.

Maybe they shouldn't marry people with baggage unless they're just looking to complain for years on end about it to strangers?
Hey I'm guilty too. I knew the minute I heard the phrase 'raised Mormon' the predator who slithered into my life had a pretty good chance of being a creep.

Why the panic attack when circumstances are changing more to your liking?

It was that my brothers finally found out and were reaching out. Speaking with family has always been my #1 source of stress. Plus, I thought my wife would be coming back, but now I realize that it isn't happen.

I am always amazed when 500 a month is perceived as an acceptable amount of child suppor, when that amount truly only covers the cost of food.

The amount the non-custodial parent pays is determined in the courts by how much he or she earns. It's based on a percentage of gross earnings.

It can be modified as earnings fluctuate, by court order typically.

While $500 isn't much in this day and age, it may be the court mandated percentage ex-hubby can afford to pay.

The mom will most definitely need to work to support her children. And why only three years of health insurance? Is it assumed she will find a job to cover their insurance? Unless the kids are near the age of majority already, three years is a drop in the bucket.

Today, by law, children can be kept on their parents health insurance until age 26.

I hope for your kids sake, guy1, you're preparing to go the distance with them.

No matter what your feelings are about family, you brought these kids into the world. They're going to need all the support you can give, and then some. Your responsibilities don't end in three years or by divorce decree.

You say your wife left you, yet it was you who abandoned the marriage. Divorcing your spouse is one thing. Your children mean more than a court ordered settlement, or should if they don't already.

Unless...the father hides his assets, like my ex-husband did. I borrowed money for an attorney, but it was too late. I was granted 750 a month for four children, but he refused to pay even that. He told me, "I don't want a family anymore. You and the kids will be fine." He severed all contact with us for four years. He had no idea of how we were, or where we were living--he just didn't care.

You will be fine, Guy 1. Your girlfriend will comfort you, and make you feel good about yourself. My ex-husband says he couldn't live without looking forward to getting high on weekends, so that might help you, too.

Don't have any more children. My ex and his girlfriend tried, but she couldn't get pregnant. They tried to adopt, but the adoption agencies all turned them down, saying they wouldn't be good parents. So, they adopted a few more cats and dogs, some of them vicious, most of them not house-trained. It seems like they aren't good pet parents, either. Some people aren't meant to be parents.

Your children will be fine.

I'm sorry that your wife and kids left. I wouldn't count on that arrangement to pay only $500 to continue.

it sounds as if you have been very 'logical' throughout this ordeal and now that your planning is realised, the reality of the finality of it all appears to me to have caused your panic attack. don't worry, you seem to have handled it well at the time, however this is a symptom of another issue causing you inner turmoil or anxiety (you state this is due your brothers reaching out as you so dreaded happening - I can understand how your siblings can drive you insane with frustration), so please ensure you take care to properly grieve what might have been so you can move on from the past (including past dreams or nightmares about the future) and accept your new future.

I agree with eod about learning to like yourself - this vital element of self esteem is stunted growing up as a mormon. When you become content with your own company you are more protective of your own space (and sanity) and are better equipped to deal with the cards life throws at you. From my experience this is when life actually becomes enjoyable.

Good luck.

Good luck to you Guy1. If you are both in agreement with the arrangement then who are we to judge?

I hope it all works out for you and that you find your happy place.

We can let him know that he will likely regret the deal. Once you have kids their needs come first.

TSCC has turned itself into a POS, TAKE NO PRISONERS deal where TBMs trample each other to be Holier Than Thou.

Individuals don't count anymore, same with their so-called values, principles.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/07/2017 09:25PM by GNPE.

It does cause separation but i feel the church was incorrect so i think i made the right decision i think, even if my family never does. It is pretty lonely but it has to be this way. All i have are sir david the bard videos to help me most of the time to understand this hard process.

I'm curious just exactly how you and wife explained to the kids that she was taking them across the country so that they would rarely see their dad.

We questioned your interest in the kids, but wouldn't a loving mother also realize kids need their dads?

Our society now seems to think dads are unnecessary, except for that check they send. And even that is now replaced with government checks, which is why the rates of fatherless homes has greatly increased.

Maybe you are also brainwashed by the cult of feminism which devalues men.

On the bright side, your kids will learn at a young age that just because they are your parents doesn't mean they care that much about you. And they'll learn that marriage is a joke. Perhaps they will avoid it and the messes like this that are so common.

Hopefully your daughters will avoid men with all their faults. And hopefully your sons will avoid women when they see how disappointed most of them are in men.

The OP said that the wife is staying with her parents. It's rather hard to put a roof over your head, and otherwise provide for yourself and your children on $500 a month. Plus a lot of women with kids want to live close to their parents for back-up when needed.