Date: November 15, 2017 09:28AM
Hi badass, It's not that the counselor knows you better than you know yourself, it's that the counselor knows the disease that is *not* you, better than you, and can spot and diagnose the symptoms as clearly as an oncologist can spot a cancer growth on a scanner.
PTSD is *not* you.
Avoidance behavior is *not* you.
Suicidal tendencies are *not* you.
You feel like these thing are you, because you've likely had PTSD most of your life. Using cancer as an example again, just because it wasn't yet seen or named by a doctor, doesn't mean it wasn't there.
So you got a good counselor, who looked at all of the evidence and data presented, has correctly diagnosed PTSD, and *knows* what the illness entails. She is trying to help *you* see that avoidance behavior and suicide ideation are a *part of the illness,* not *a part of you.*
Again, you are NOT the symptoms of the illness.
Would anyone in his right mind look at someone with cancer and say, "Let's just pretend we don't know it's there. Let's just ignore the symptoms, even though this illness can kill you, and hope it gets better on its own."
Of course not!
The counselor doesn't *know your tricks." The counselor knows how PTSD fucks with you. HUGE difference. She can run her finger down the list of sympomts written in books, and see that if you have three or five of these symptoms, (or whatever), then you are suffering from PTSD, and the rest of the symptoms (that you think you can "hide") are highly likely to be present as well.
Think about this for a minute, badass. Just give it a chance. PTSD has tried to kill you, and nearly did. Just like someone who fought and won against cancer, you survived that round. You open your eyes, and fuck, the pain is still there, and shit, the only thing you can do is try to beat its ass again. Pain gets old, quick. And when you've been fighting it most of your life, you feel old.
But there are good moments, right? Moments when you see the sun and the future and the possibilities of what your life can become. THAT is what the counselor, Boner, I, and many others see, so-called *hiding* under the illness. The real, unavoidable, beautiful badass. I don't -and never will- see you as the symtoms of PTSD.
And what Boner says is right. No matter how awful you're feeling, a beautiful man comes shining through, even when you're at your worst. You can't feel that yet, maybe you don't even want to believe it (yet), but you are there.
Now, a word about avoidance behavior (AB) and triggers.
Both suck, big, hairy donkey dicks, big time. That would be because they are symptoms of an illness, and you have been diagnosed as having that illness. This is how I think of them:
AB is how to avoid triggers, but having and working through triggers is what diminishes AB. BUT, being triggered too much brings on suicidal thoughts, so that is the big talk about "remaining safe" when you're triggered.
Go too fast, and the illness will kill you. Avoid triggers alltogether, and you never get rid of them.
Talk about a mind fuck.
But for me (and most, I think), that's the plain unvarnished math of it. Your counselors have done that math, and are helping you sharpen your pencils, use your erasers.
And it's also the reason you *think* you can't decide to stay on or leave the board. You come on here, get info and support, feel that, but then you get triggered and suicidal. Over time, you are not as easily triggered as you were in the beginning, and that's beacause you *bing bing bing* worked through that particular trigger, and no longer need to avoid *that particular trigger.* Being triggered, working through it, means that you can be free of avoidance behaviors.
Is it possible that some part of you understands that, understands that there is no way around triggers, that to heal them, you have to go through them? Of course there is. That would be that part of badass fighting so hard to recover. So, you keep coming back. And that would be the OPPOSITE of "avoidance behavior." *CHEERS FOR BADASS!*
You are not PTSD.
You are badassadam.
And you rock. :)
As for going back to the morg, I see that sort of like an eagle wanting to be in the safety of a cage. It does not compute. That's the short version, because I gotta pay the rent, but I hope you think about it.
Be gentle to yourself. :) Be kind to our badass.