Posted by:
Deepwell
(
)
Date: November 19, 2017 10:21AM
I think we each could write the same book. ;)
Being aware in the moment - even though I feel I'm beyond automatic judgement of others, good or bad, one of the biggest people-pleaser tricks I needed to leave behind was my automatic agreement with the other party's position. That agreement was knee-jerk, I'm-on-your-side, you-have-a-confidant-in-me, blue-chip, ace-in-the-hole.
Ugh. Sometimes, it still sneaks up on me.
Most helpful is this *new rule* - active listening.
I don't have to agree or disagree if I am *only* listening, which (woohoo) contains the people-pleaser balm of repeating the words of the speaker back to him or her. After all, isn't that what people *really* want? To be heard and understood?
It's the difference between:
"Oh, that Tommy is such a rat for treating you that way!"
and
"So you feel that Tommy mistreated you when he [paraphrase the situation]."
This forces me to listen, ...really listen.
At work:
"Coworker X really shouldn't have done that to you."
or
"So you feel that Coworker X should not have [paraphrase]."
It's allowing the other person to retain ownership of the situation, supporting his or her need to be heard, and being the mirror that may help others fix their own problems.
When it's about facts or data, opinion does not enter into it, and you can freely state and support your evidence.
When it's about situations and feelings, those can be relevant to *only* the speaker, and only the speaker can own his or her own situations and feelings.
Feelings do not have "evidence." They just "are," and there are usually loads of faulty assumptions that created/support those feelings. That's just considering someone else's feelings. Now add yours to the mix, and see how wars begin. ;) You can't know their assumptions, or fix them. You *can* help them to become aware of them, without even trying very hard, or knowing the outcome.
If asked directly for *your opinion* on the Tommy or Coworker X situations, deflect to leave ownership with the speaker:
"So do you agree that Tommy was a rat?!"
"I sure can tell that you think so." or "Is it possible that Tommy was having a bad day?"
Follow-ups would be along the lines of, "So you want Tommy to..."
Just keep at it. You owe no one an auto-agree, just because you like them. Friends listen, and help speaker-friends to sort their own feelings.
I guess the baby step would be to begin every response with "So you feel that..." If you were listening, you'll be able to fill in the blank. If you weren't, apologize and ask the speaker to please repeat it.
Btw, one of the best negotiators I ever met, when I once demanded his assent to a customer "situation," responded,
"No, because I've been burned after hearing only one side."
And who hasn't?
We had known each other for nearly twenty years, and that simple denial still made perfect sense to me, and didn't hurt my feelings at all. I felt chagrin for even having asked it of him. He didn't say that I had burned him, only that he had been burned. Back when, I may have well burned him, myopic as I was. He managed to remain true to himself without condemning me. Mensch.
Tie a string on your finger. Active listening.