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Posted by: jab ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 01:53PM

I've always glimpsed through these topics but decided today I'd make an account. I was encouraged by one thread in particular that regarded Mormon's as "professional abusers" and that really hit home.

For years my family has felt like a weight I've been forced to bare. I've been baring it for the sake of family but mostly for the sake of the church.

My mother is a bipolar (former) alcoholic with an addiction to pain killers. She doesn't participate in life or go to church. She lays in bed all day, high out of her mind, scrolling through websites and LDS videos or articles. She's a modern racist and defends herself with "I have black friends", although Darlene (her one black friend) got sick of her crap long ago and hasn't called her in years.

My father is undiagnosed with what I can only describe as intense anger problems. There are holes or scuffs in each room from his outbursts. At 16, after a verbal fight with me (which was usually physical but I had been lifting that year and he was a lot more cautious of me) he went out to my car and popped the hood. I heard scrapping and pulling before he came back in and told me that if I drove out of that parking space that it would blow up on me.
Years later he hasn't changed much at all. But his contempt for women has grown and he tends to limit his outbursts to my mother, my brother's wife, and Hilary Clinton.

My brother is a spectator or mirror. He ran away across the country when he was 18 and on his last dollar ended up in a hotel room in San Diego. He said he felt compelled to read the complimentary Bible they put in the dresser. It was then he got the urge to go back to the Mormon church and serve a mission. Upon finishing his mission he moved to Utah and went to the Mormon college. He met a girl many years his junior and proposed to her within a year. He moved her to my parents state and got a job in the same government building as my father. They now dress the same and similarly yells at and belittles his young wife a lot to the point she's now taking a indefinite trip home to see her family. For her sake I hope she stays gone.

This past year it's hit me- I really want nothing to do with these people. They're exactly what I despise in Mormonism and bad people. I didn't even have a choice to be sealed to them. I was a kid dragged to the Temple. I never had a say.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/01/2017 07:12PM by jab.

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Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 02:20PM

Hi Jab, when I removed my name from the church I acknowledged that all LDS ordinances and sealing are no longer valid. I love my children with my whole heart. Did it bother me that the Morg doesn’t consider me sealed? No.

If one is an atheist, it’s this life and our living relationships that are important. After their deaths, the memory of the loved ones is there in the heart and mind.

If one is a Christian, Jesus specifically said, when asked, there is no marriage in heaven.

Mormonism is in many ways a death cult. My doubting TBM friends go back to the church because they love their families. Families are eternal, etc. What these TBMs not done is to read and understand the words of Jesus. Of course, the Morg would simply say the words are a mistranslation or have been changed. Right....

Best wishes, The Unsealed Boner.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/01/2017 02:23PM by BYU Boner.

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Posted by: ificouldhietokolob ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 02:26PM

Just to comment on my buddy Boner's post...

The LDS sealings/ordinances were never "valid" to begin with.
They're made-up "ordinances."
There's no "ledger in heaven" where it's listed whether or not you're "sealed" to your abusive family.

That's true whether you believe in a "heaven" or not -- the mormon stuff is made-up nonsense.

So, no worries. You're not "sealed" to them. No matter how much they pretend you are (or aren't). Your life -- and your afterlife is there is such a thing -- is yours, not theirs.

I'm sorry for what you went through, and I hope you now have some peace and happiness.

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Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 02:34PM

^^^^^100% Agreement!

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Posted by: Dave the Atheist ( )
Date: December 02, 2017 07:08AM

ALL religions are made-up nonsense.

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Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 02:34PM

Just musing...

What about thinking about a personal, make-it-up yourself, ceremony wherein you 'break' the family sealing. You don't even have to let the disconnected people know you did it.

Write up the phraseology you want to use, set the scene, light the candles and go for it.

Joke: video it and put it up on YouTube! It might start a groundswell of similar activity and you'll be given credit for starting a new lifestyle activity. You'll be on Dr. Phil !!!

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Posted by: ificouldhietokolob ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 03:27PM

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Posted by: catnip ( )
Date: December 08, 2017 02:39AM

Maher's "unsealing" of Mittens' late FIL is EPIC.

Once I got over feeling ashamed of myself for laughing, the first time I saw it, I had to admit - it is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

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Posted by: jab ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 04:39PM

The self ceremony cracked me up.

Thank you for your responses.
You're very right, if I don't want to participate- it really doesn't matter what they say. I just wasn't really sure how to confirm with them that I was done.

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Posted by: caffiend ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 04:58PM

Cliches become cliches for a reason, Jab: there is truth and utility to them. As you separate out your life from a dysfunctional family, and improve it, different and greater happinesses will compensate for what you've suffered, leading to a greater capacity to further separate yourself from past pains, negative (mental) software, and dysfunctional people.

In time, you may have the opportunity and resources (financial, psychological, and spiritual) resources to help such people, e.g. that unfortunate SIL.

Little gremlins will want to alight upon your shoulders and whisper negative, counterproductive, and dishonest things in your ears: "What if the church really IS true?" "How can you turn your back on your family?" "Deep down, you know you don't deserve happiness, success, loving relationships, and spiritual integrity, you creep!" Etc. etc. etc!

Ignore them and focus on living a good life, which you have started, so congratulations and get on with it!

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 05:03PM

Your parents have issues that are well beyond your ability to solve. Maybe it's a good thing that they have each other. Who else would tolerate their behavior? But that doesn't mean that you have to. I wish you peace.

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Posted by: nevermojohn ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 09:34PM

You should look at Adult Children of Alcoholics Laundry List and the Other Laundry List. From what little you have written here bells are ringing left and right about these family dynamics.

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Posted by: ANON 3 ( )
Date: December 01, 2017 11:59PM

Just get out. Get out and you will feel this gigantic weight fall off of you and you will begin to mix with rational people.

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Posted by: ptbarnum ( )
Date: December 02, 2017 07:54AM

Jab, my nevermo father has the same kind of explosive anger. I suspect he is either undiagnosed borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder.

I was never "sealed" to him because he is nevermo but felt for many years entangled with him in a vile and toxic inescapable way. Then I had the realization that my choices to keep allowing myself to be victimizd was the only thing keeping him in my life, feeling of obligation was just as much a fiction as the silly ritual some people think is necessary for families to be together in the afterlife.

I went no contact just a few weeks ago with my so-called parent and personally I felt a lot of traumatic stress and guilt but I think this is just some bad programming from childhood playing out. I felt the same thing when leaving Mormonism and I'm quite thrilled to be out now, so once all these triggers are done pulling about "Dad" I expect to be quite happy. I am already quite relieved.

I encourage you to leave the cult formally, personally vacate your "sealing" in your mind (it just isn't real) and find a family of choice, people who are deserving of your loyalty and time. There may be emotional stress involved but these feelings aren't facts. The facts are your "family" hasn't ever been one, if you need emotional help to get over that sad unfortunate fact, there are plenty of professional resources, as well as the great folks here. Welcome.

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Posted by: BethanyJoy ( )
Date: December 02, 2017 10:00AM

Jab, I'd like to offer that you need confirm nothing with them. If you choose to answer a phone, door or email, you are free to say something as simple as "John, Don't contact me again." (using proper names, not titles like "dad.") Then, ...nothing.

The dysfunctions of abusers are predictable. I'm sorry to say that you will not receive any confirmation of their understanding of the harm they've inflicted, no matter what your truthful accusations may be. They will deny, re-write history, tag-team, blah, blah, blah, and it's likely to be two things for you - very frustrating and only a confirmation that your decision to separate is the correct one.

On the other hand, I found some petty enjoyment in that my total silence, no explanations, must have left them scratching their heads and feeling a vacuum in their supply of abuse victims. It was my right to set that boundary and enforce it. Block, block, block.

I wrote my rage and frustrations in journals to vent, sought counseling, shared my stories with friends and others. From the very beginning, I knew that nothing I could say to them would result in their validation of my reasons for excising them from my life. I wanted to serve them, at least, the *nothing love* they had served me throughout the years.

They would not get one more tear, drop of blood or pound of flesh from me. I would never present myself as a target again. I have not, and it hasn't always been easy, but it's been mine.

warm hugs and good wishes and thoughts for ((((jab)))

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Posted by: Mother Who Knows ( )
Date: December 03, 2017 07:01AM

Exactly this ^^^^^. Every detail is right-on.

Somewhere--I wish I could remember exactly where--on the internet, you can find a copy of the Church Handbook of Instructions. I quoted directly from this, in my resignation letter. What it said was that when you resign ("have your name removed from the rolls"), you lose all the ordinances and blessings of the temple.

I wanted to be clear on this, because I had been sealed to a wife-beater, who had concealed from me his previous convictions of assault and battery. I had divorced him years ago, uncontested, on the grounds of extreme physical cruelty, but TSCC never granted me a temple divorce, even though his beatings were almost fatal, and I still bear the scars.

Even though Mormonism is all just a bunch of made-up hooey, I can understand that you want to make it clear to your abusers, in their own world, according to their own rules, that you are officially un-sealed. Quoting to the Mormons from their own Handbook of Instructions accomplishes this, once and for all.

Oh, and you must officially resign. There are instructions on RFM on how to do that.

I'm sorry that you had such a rough childhood. Do whatever it takes to move on and be happy now.

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Posted by: Pooped ( )
Date: December 02, 2017 12:10PM

I'm the only one of the Mormons in my family to officially resign. I'm also the only one who ever practiced Mormonism faithfully while I was a Mormon. By Mormon standards I'd say I'm still mostly living a life that could make me temple worthy except for my apostate habit of drinking tea and not attending any church services. The rest of my "believing" family have committed some pretty strong moral sins that would be considered sinful in any mainstream Christian church. Yet, I'm the horrible apostate. My sister Facebooks with all her Mormon friends yet lives as an inactive Mormon who is awash with self-righteousness in another faith. She lies, steals, backbites, and lives a life that has given her multiple STD's. The Mormons gush all over her because they believe that with just the right encouragement she may return to the fold but they are unaware of any of her behavior. Gotta love social media. Fiction has replaced fact.

Do I care one wit if I join-up with these hypocrites in any supposed afterlife? Take a guess!!!!

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Posted by: saucie ( )
Date: December 02, 2017 12:39PM

I agree with Hie and everyone else who says that the sealing

ordinance doesn't mean shit.

The only thing that's important now is for you to get out and

away from your toxic family.

Unless you want to end up exactly like one of them; addicted

to drugs, booze or anger. Its a no win situation for you.

Please get out and stop living under the double whammy of a

toxic,lying church and a toxic dysfunctional family.

Please do it for youself.

Oops I made the assumption that you were still living with the

family . Either way I wish you well in your efforts to "unseal"

your self from them in order to live a healthier, happier life.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/02/2017 12:55PM by saucie.

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Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: December 02, 2017 12:47PM

This is not family. These people are only blood relatives. There is a big difference. The Mormon sealing thing seems to be chains more than loving bonds many times. There is no need to continue on with them. It really is okay to leave them behind and make a new life--choose your own family. As you know, there are a lot of wonderful people in the world to go find.

What I find interesting is that you are the strong one. In the battle of nature vs nurture, your natural self has superseded such dire circumstances. I wish you all the best. Appreciate who you are.

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Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: December 03, 2017 01:47AM

None of us were ever sealed to anybody, jab.

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Posted by: fluhist not logged in ( )
Date: December 08, 2017 05:57PM

I must admit I went through the opposite problem. My family were converts and while my Dad was an alcoholic, tscc did make a difference there. I was especially close to my mother and was sealed to her and Dad when I was in my early 20s.

When I realised how bad tscc was in my early 40s I was faced with the terrible decision as to what to do. I no longer beleived in the need to be sealed for the love I feel for my family to continue, but it all meant SO much to my mother and I knew it would break her heart to have me leave tscc and break that sealing.

My Mum and Dad were both passed away by the time this happened and so I could not simply talk to them, but had to remember how it all went and could only remember how touched they were by the whole thing. How could I do anything that they felt would change that?

It took a long time and finally I came to the decision that my parents had taught me to be honest above all, and to maintain my membership while not attending and indeed not beleiving AT ALL in tscc was NOT honest. So I went ahead and had my name removed.

I know to others this may seem silly, but to me it was a real and very emotional part of my leaving.

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Posted by: moremany ( )
Date: December 08, 2017 11:07PM

The seal is broke to begin with.

I fixed that though... with the right tools: Knowings. Wisdom. Common Sense. Doing what's right or whatever's left.


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Posted by: unbelievable2 ( )
Date: December 09, 2017 10:06AM

I could write volumes of books on the abuse from the cult and my non-member dysfunctional family. Thank the Lord I was never sealed to them to begin with so I don't have to carry any mental chains of fear about the unsealing process. Also I am very relieved that I never married in the cult and it's temple. That's another set of chains. I appreciate this post a lot because this week my non-member brother went off on me about having rules to take care of my 94 year old mother who has advanced stages of dementia. I asked him to take care of her for a few hours and he took her to his house and the experience was overwhelming to him and his bitter wife. Oh yes, he also complained that he's only getting $1 in her will. She babysat his six kids for 30 years and he paid her nothing. I didn’t have a mother for 30 years because she was there. It is true I was at the cult during that time hiding my pain from my mother's abandonment. Now that I moved back home to take care of her six years ago and we have been healing from past issues, he is complaining. And his passive aggressive rants made no sense. He was supposed to watch my mother for six hours yesterday and next Friday so I could go to my part-time job that I have each December for the past 10 years. At first he said yes then Tuesday night he changed his mind. It made me look bad to my employer. Stupid people do stupid stuff. Someone once said there is no cure for stupid. I could go on but sense we are all dealing with variations of the same pathologies in or out of the cult. Mental chains exist everywhere and we need to be aware of that and do our best to free ourselves from its debilitating hold on us. You are not sealed to your family since the cult is a scam. Jesus Christ can very effectively run His own Kingdom without scammers like JS making up crazy rituals that do not exist in the next life. You are free from their chains so enjoy and be happy to move on.

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Posted by: Dorothy ( )
Date: December 09, 2017 11:01AM

Leaving the church was a walk in the park compared to dealing with toxic family members.

My dad was TBM to the 100th power and abusive. He's dead 10 years. As an atheist, the only reason I have to deal with him is if I let myself think about him.

The worst was my exMormon, atheist, narcissist sister.

I finally cut her 99% out of my life.

It hurts every day, but letting her back in would be intolerable.

Good luck on your journey.

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Posted by: Cheryl ( )
Date: December 09, 2017 01:30PM

My TBM family is also not worth the trouble. I've let them know that we had little in common when we lived in the same house and have nothing in common now. For years they've only contacted me if they want me to give them something of value. I finally said no more. I'm done with them.

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Posted by: druid ( )
Date: December 09, 2017 02:39PM

I know a good active mormon woman, married in the temple, who not long ago screamed to the sky that she was no longer married to her dead abusive husband and would not live with him in eternities. Anyone can do it. Say the words and "Poof" it is over. They only have as much control as you give them.

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Posted by: readwrite ( )
Date: December 11, 2017 03:37PM

That's what membership in Mormon dumb will get you. Stealing. Ceilings. Bars (not the right kind). Trouble in the eternities. Non-advancement. Misery.

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