I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I ran towards him, hoping to prevent a tragedy. I saw that he was crying, and his hair was tousled and his clothing unkempt. I called out to him. He turned to look at me, and I saw a wild look in his eyes. I pleaded with him, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he sobbed.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well," I said, "are you religious or atheist?"

He said, "Religious."

I said, "Me too! What religion?"

"Mormon."

"Me too! Were you raised in the church, or a convert?"

He responded, "I was raised in the church."

"Me too! Where are you from?" I asked.

"Provo..."

I said, "Wow! That's where I'm from!!! Where did you go to college? Utah or BYU?"

"Utah," he said.

So naturally I pushed him...

The joke was written and performed by Emo Phillips.

https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2005/sep/29/comedy.religion

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

I had no idea!! Thanks for the link!

And for those who either didn't follow the link, or didn't read to the bottom:


· When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me!


· So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.


· A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He asked, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like his passengers..."

A town elder was coming home from a late night new years party. The local policeman stopped him,, brother Jones your wife fell out of the car a mile back.
Oh thank god,, I thought I had lost my hearing.

The old High Priest is on his death bed. The doctor has said he will only live a matter of hours at most. As he lays there, he smells the wonderful aroma of his wife baking chocolate chip cookies.
He calls out in a weak voice "Please may I have a cookie before I die?"
His wife replies, "No dear, those are for the lunch at the cultural hall after the funeral."

At the pearly gates a man is given a chance to compare heaven and hell. When they arrive in hell the man is startled to see rolling hills, lush foliage on trees, flowers and green grass.

"Oh no!" cried St. Peter. "The Mormons have stolen the water again."

The Pope receives an urgent message.

"Good news and bad news, your Holiness."

"What's the good news?"

"Jesus has returned to the earth!".

"What's the bad news?"

"He's calling from Salt Lake City."

Q: What do you get if you cross a Mormon with a kleptomaniac?




A: A basement full of stolen food.

A father was concerned that his family had received only ten of the monthly home teaching visits the previous year. He called one of his home teachers and said, "I love you brother, but how come you skipped some visits?" The home teacher kindly replied, "You don't expect us to come on Halloween and New Year's Eve do you?"


A Bishop was holding a leadership meeting. A baby in the nearby nursery was crying, making it difficult for the Bishop to conduct the meeting. He excused himself and left the room. After a couple of minutes he returned and continued the meeting -- not a sound was heard from the baby. At the end of the meeting, one ward member asked him how he got the baby to be quiet. "Simple", said the Bishop. "I ordained him a High Priest and he went right to sleep."

All the major religions of the world were meeting in a large building. All of a sudden a fire broke out, the Jews started jumping up and down and praying, the Catholics started crying and asking what they had done wrong? The Mormons showed up 2 hours late and missed the whole thing.


A Bishop was an avid duck hunter, and was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."



A Mormon mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Brigham, 5, and Heber, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. She looked at them solemnly and said, very reverently, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'” Brigham turned to his younger brother and said, “Heber, you be Jesus."