This is one of the toughest things I have done.

As I sit here, I realise just how isolated I am.

I got so into MORGdom and now that I am done and can't seem to hide it, the friends are all gone [not that I felt they were friends].

It is odd to talk, but feel deep inside that TBMs don't care and really don't want to understand.

And for those of us here recovering we are each deeply wounded, that helping each other is not easy since we have brought our baggage to the table!

I know soon it will get easier...all joking and venting and glibness aside. This is plain not easy!

Looking in from the outside I now see this was an abusive relationship. How else do they get you, but by isolating you from the world...so that leaving becomes difficult because who wants to start from scratch?

Just keeping it real!

Oh, AIC, I am so sorry. I wish I could say that it's unusual, but from what I've read on this board over the past few years, it's not.

Look at it this way -- a conditional friend is not a true friend. I know that starting over is horrible. But it will get better. It may take some time...but it will get better.

If there is an exmo group near you, or you can possibly make it to SLC this fall for the conference, I would urge you to go.

Do you feel comfortable saying your general location? If not, I understand.

I think many of them did love us and enjoyed our company. They were true friends to the extent that mormons understand the word.

I believe that many of them would love to remain close to us but they think it's in everyone's best interest to sacrifice for the Lord. They hope that we will return someday and that possibly their backing off from us will teach us a valuable lesson of returning to their idea of the truth.

There's no way to talk sense into them and they don't have what it takes to understand what we go through.

It's an exercise in desperation to try to make them understand, like trying to teach algebra to a newborn. Better to let mormons live their lives and come forward to help them if they realize their mistake. Don't let regret eat you alive. It's big rewarding and wonderful world out there without mormonism.

I like what John Larsen says, that as an exmo one knows what the TBM knows but the TBM doesn't know what the exmo knows. "I have been where you are, but you have not been where I am."

This is a very tough and vulnerable time for you. The best advice I can give you is to learn to trust yourself and stand on your own two feet. You see your relationship with the Morg as an abusive one. do not make the mistake of running into "rebound relationship" with the next thing that comes along. The Mormons are not the only people who will prey on your vulnerabilities with false promises.

I'm not a terribly social person. In fact, I have social anxiety so keeping to myself and just having my family and a few good friends is quite nice for me. But I can feel your pain and I'm sorry that it's happening to you.

Is there any way you could get involved with a group? Civic Theater or Ballroom Dancing or volunteering at the local animal shelter or something? It seems like it's easier to make friends when you go someplace where they congregate that isn't religious.

OK, that's a platitude that doesn't help right now, but this is also the most important thing you will do.

Even though I have been away from activity for 23 years, not a day goes by that I am not reminded of how glad I am that I took that scary isolating and liberating step.

I had the good fortune to leave with spouse and sons and we had each other and that was all. It was three years after leaving before we made our first real friends outside of mormonism. It was tough and it took a long time.

And it was SO WORTH IT. I am back in contact with old LDS friends who are still in (as we get to be grandparents I think we humans overlook a lot of old baggage in the effort to remember the life that once was). These have been joyful encoutners with wonderful people, but I am glad my path was not the same as theirs.

A few days after I told My LDS friends that I was leaving the church I went to see my very best friend to tell him. He is a dyed in the wool, hard core old school mormon. I know as much about the church as he does so it didn't surprise me when he said"I can't be your friend any more. If you leave the church you can't come here anymore. You will be a son of perdition and I don't want you in my house." I told him that was fine and that I still loved him and his family. Then I left.
I know how you feel and sometimes it is so lonesome and empty and sometimes you just want to cry your heart out. That's okay. Go ahead and cry. That is your safety valve and you will feel better. Think about all the things you like to do and then maybe you can find a non LDS person to do it with. Being alone is not a bad thing but at times that is when we feel our worst. That seems to be the time when hope for recovery just flies out the window. Hang in there, it will get better. Orphan

I don't want to cry anymore.

I just want it to end.

I am tired of being manipulated and coerced with emails and phone calls.

Finding friends isn't easy...there is much baggage out there.

The funny thing in MORGdom I just got used to being solo, doing stuff on my own.

No one really cared...only is as much people saw them being nice to the black girl.

Eventually my visible disgust at such blatant fakeness won...so people just stay away.

How to move on.

We do all find ourselves isolated, much like Neo when he pops out of the Matrix.

Like him, AIC, you chose reality. The loss of conditional love is a net gain. You're 10 per cent richer now and like in the movie of your own life, turn around and walk toward the sun, towards the rising sun, your future in a life under your own control.

If you like animals, I am totally in favor of the dog theory of re-entering the real world. You get a person who listens every time you speak, one who loves you the way you are and gets you out of the house. You meet other people and have an instant safe topic to talk about. If you can't have a dog where you live, then volunteer to walk them at your local Humane Society. You will meet great animals and great people.

If you are not a dog person, exercising or volunteering at a Thrift Store for disabled people is a good way to re-enter normal society. The sorting and pricing of donated goods gives you something to talk about and you form friendships with generous people.

I think you get the idea. People all around you are socializing based on their interests. You don't need religion to have a social life.

You have a good sense of humor and have already made friends here online. That's a good beginning--now get on Meet up.com or Living social and see what's going on in your community.


Anagrammy

I do have a great sense of humor.

I do not want online friends...well for the obvious reason its only a pseudo relationship

I am not a dog person...but I do like them. just not for me.

I do exercise...its swim season I love to swim, I love to read...I mean I enjoy being alone don't get me wrong.

Now I just want something real.

My community is very LDS so everyone knows the black girl..can't hide.

I just don't want to find myself in MORGdom again

The JW's are hot on my trail...I told them I am not ready for another one true church!

AIC, I know what you mean, I know how you feel. I'm sure a lot of people here do. I think at one point or another we all realize how much of a closed system it is... if you're not with them, then you've "fallen away" and have to "be fixed" -- like something's wrong with you.

Let me assure you, nothing is wrong with you.

Sadly, the phone calls, the e-mails, the "friendly chats" will probably never stop.

The most I can tell you is be glad for what you have... and for who you might find in the future to be better friends.

It's really hard... I know that. To say it's anything less than devastating for most is not doing it justice, but there are always people out there who won't care that you were mormon, or that you aren't and they are, and there's plenty of people who will find it intriguing.

Hang in there AIC, and keep on keeping on, because a time of sadness is never worth the amount of happiness you could be having.

Baby steps. Yes, there's baggage out there, who among us doesn't have baggage? It's part of living. But the hard part is taking that first step and then each one gets easier.

If you are still a believer, what about attending another church?

If you don't want to get involved in a church, check into things like soup kitchens or other volunteer work where you're helping those in need. It will make you feel good and you'll get to meet people, too. Animal shelters always need volunteers.

Being pro-active will give you a feeling of accomplishment and success. You can probably use that right now!

Best wishes...keep posting, the people are awesome and you'll at least have a community here that understands.

AIC, we can be online buddies! I have no clue whether you drink but bars and pubs are great places to meet real people. Alot of my close friends I have met in different bars. No, they are not just drinking buds, we do hang out. Where the hell do you guys think I met my lady friend?

You are funny! I bet we would be good friends...I will be keeping my top on though! you are a nut.

Look I am not like despondent. The bad girl in me wants out.

No I don't do bars, but p-town is good for that...I mean I am just new at this, so I don't want to start swinging from the trees without a plan you know?

Good news to know you can actually make friends in a bar...cause you know MORGdom scares the piss out of you about everything so I find myself concerned.

I didn't realize just deep into this I had become!
It is mind blowing.

"The bad girl in me wants out".

Let 'er out!

Your new friends need to be friends with a real person, you are honest here, be honest out there.

I love people like Hugh Hefner, Lady Gaga and others who do what they love even if some don't get it or agree with them. They are doing a risky thing they chose to do. Even here we have Raptor Jesus (peace be upon him).

Go thou and do likewise...

Then come and report, cuz I am interested =D

:) International house of handshakes...that was priceless! Hated that place! Hated it!

Well...er...blushing...!

I love waking up in the morning not feeling guilty about sleeping and worrying about all the things that need to get done so I can be right with God.

You will be fine.
It is truly very hard to lose friends brothers sisters and the professed love of parents just for not going to church anymore. But as time goes on, we move from one stage of recovery to the next, shock, anger, grieving, bargaining, accepting reality, fully turning away.

It is a a journey of intense emotions including loss, fear, anger, regret, nose thumbing, and relief. It is a comfort to have a community of fellow travellers, even if just online associates while you figure out the whole mess. But surely as you get a better handle on things, you'll also find yourself opening up to real life people who are genuine and real. People that the church taught you to avoid.

I would suggest that you not rush yourself. These things take time. Some people can just walk away and never look back. Others take a long time. As we transition from May to June, I am reminded that this is the 4 year mark in my journey. And while it was a terrifying experience for the first couple years, this last year has been much more stable and while I still frequent this board it is more due to having a common thread than to seek counsel or support.

Remember- you are not the badguy, and many of your church associations are not really the badguy either. They are trained to distrust outsiders and to shun those who leave the church. They do it out of fear most of the time. Fear for what they have been told is their most precious posession...a testimony of the church. They see you as a threat. Not because you are bad (they know better) but for what your leaving represents.

Like work friends and party friends, church friends are there as long as you have something in common to talk about. That's just how it is. Leave the job and you lose a friend. Go straight and you lose friends. Leave a cult where people are taught to fear and to huddle and you will lose their associations as well. No fault of your own, just human nature. And, yes it can be very painful.

You are not alone. Many have walked your path and can provide advice based on personal experience, many are still where you are and many more are coming up behind you and will be happy to have any help that your experiences will help you to provide.

When I exited back in the mid 1970s there was no internet and certainly no RFM. Never so much as conversed with another ExMo until I accidently landed here in 1998. What I would give to have had such luxuries back in the day!

In my mind, there's nothing quite so sad as the faithful follower who suddenly realizes that her or she has been had. It smarts to say the least. My journey through mormonism was fairly tame and I was pretty much healed by the time I found this place. What got me, however, was the seemingly endless stream of stories by folks who had been brought to the brink of suicide just because they were trying to be a "good" mormon. Heartbreaking stuff ifin' ya axe me!

So go ahead and vent, AIC. This establishment caters to folks who aren't too happy with their former faith. What a wonderful feeling it is to know that you are not alone!

This is the Gospel according to Timothy ..."Human beings never welcome the news that something they have long cherished is untrue. They almost always reply to that news by reviling its promulgator." -- H.L. Mencken

Timothy

Amen...gosh I wasn't but a twinkle in my mother's eye in the 70's!

I am particularly embarrassed that being black I somehow managed to convince myself that being born in the year of the great revelation of Blackness being OK, that is was divinely ordained so I didn't have to suffer.

Well things can be revealed, who is to say those who hear it actually believe it!

What a joke.

Up yours MORGDOM!

+1 to Timothy. It can get rowdy in here, but I still consider people here my good friends, I even like Bona Dea (some days tee hee).

Most of us have been wrong at least once, we were Kolobians, and now most of us are seeking useful knowledge or experiences.

Speaking for myself, the unique thing here IS the diversity, of sexuality, race, age and especially the expression of ourselves.

We have something in common here, but we sure are different, you know?

Thanks for telling us your unique perspectives!

I like Bona Dea...

My fav is Kolobian to be honest...

It's been a while since I flexed like that

MORGdom doesn't like to be challenged and well for a girl like me that doesn't work.

Yes diversity is sooooo important. I miss that.

I have always had friends of all sorts and kinds, you learn sooooo much. I just love it!

Arrrgh MORGdom!

My folks were fairly intelligent people. They fell for the cult's bulls**t hook, line and sinker.

No reason to be embarrassed. I applaud you for recognizing the fraud. Many don't. No one wants to know they've fallen for a scam perpetrated by god's earthly reps. That you figured it out and can be honest with yourself is a credit to your intelligence.

The ban on blacks holding the priesthood troubled me from the outset. It was openly and most militantly taught in the 60s and 70s. I couldn't and still can't understand why all-knowing god would create beings he knew would straddle the fence, then punish them for doing precisely what he knew they would do. Just doesn't make any sense.

The 1978 "revelation" didn't change anything. The cult simply expanded its hate in other directions. Now the cult is down on homosexuals. Same thing. All-knowing god just had to know that Ellen was going to turn out lesbian. One can say she had a choice, but wouldn't all-knowing god know, in advance, what choice she would make? How can any god in its "all-knowing" mind punish someone for being exactly what he created them to be?

Anyway, that might not be the right thinkin', but its my thinkin'!

Party on, mate!

Timothy



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/31/2011 04:57PM by Timothy.

Well I promised not to preach.

BUT no such God said any such thing!

I always knew that.

I was NEVER one to be quiet. I was VERY vocal about that rubbish revelation.

This year in our NT study there is a lesson on how GOD is no respector of persons.

They twist that old scripture to support their revelation [okay am I the only one who will notice]

I really want to hold out till that day and then make my glorious exit.

I just can't stand for Bull anymore