My Narcissistic TBM husband, Milt, abandoned me and our children, abruptly, and went to live with a woman I'll call her "Rott", leaving us with no money, no home (we were in the middle of moving), and no contact from him or his TBM family for 5 years. (Honest--I had been a loving, faithful wife, and my children are great human beings!) During this time, I found out about his many other sexual conquests (these were not "affairs" which would involve emotion). My ex and I both left the cult, for various reasons, after we divorced. When my ex-husband's TBM stake president father committed suicide, Rott trapped Milt into marrying her, in a fit of emotion. I worked through the pain, and concluded that Rott actually did me a favor, by removing Milt from our life. Rott and Milt grabbed all the money I had invested in our family business, which I also worked hard for, but I eventually got past that, too, as my career took off, and my children were turning out fine.
But--the insults continued. Milt continued to ignore his children, and call them "liabilities." He says he doesn't want a family at all, and "isn't into kids". Rott and Milt had a Catholic wedding, which involved (for a hefty fee of several thousand dollars) annulling Milt's and my marriage, which severed any familial connection between Milt and our children. The Catholic church used my intact Mormon temple sealing to my abusive first husband, from which TSCC had never granted me a temple divorce or cancellation, as a valid reason that Milt's and my marriage could be annulled. In the eyes of the Roman Catholic church, Milt and I are as if we had never been married, in the first place. Our children are as bastards, who never had a father joined to them through marriage to their mother.
After several years of no contact, my children (who are sweet and more forgiving than I am, and who were raised LDS, until pre-teen age) started visiting their father, every two years, or so, making the 800-mile trip with their own planning and money. Still, their father never came to their their high school and university graduations, their weddings, or to see their newborn babies. No money or gifts from him and no inheritance for the children.
I'll spare you more details, except to say the children's visits at their father's house have been bizarre and unpleasant. Milt and Rott have devoted their life to a pack of dogs, untrained, and un-housetrained, and often vicious. The dogs and Rott dominate the visits. Sometimes, the kids have to wait outside, while Rott and Milt calm down the hysterical barking dogs. One of my grandchildren even got bitten!
I am outraged at how Milt and Rott have treated my beloved children and grandchildren all these years--and they get away with it! My children act like cowards, and the rejection makes them very unhappy. Just before Christmas, one of my sons and his wife travelled the 800 miles to that city, to show Milt and Rose their 3 month old baby. My son said he "HAD" to do it, for himself, which I don't understand. Milt didn't care anything about his newest grandbaby, didn't ask the usual questions about him, didn't hold him, but Rott took pictures of herself holding him, for Facebook. Two of the dogs snarled and snapped at the baby!
I have taken other's advice to keep out of it, and let my children handle their father, in their own way. Well, to be honest, I have slipped-up and tried to discourage them from reaching out to someone who rejects them, and they kids didn't listen to me. I hate to sit by, and watch my darlings being mistreated! What should I do?
After Milt and Rott got married, they began sending the children Christmas cards (never any letters, calls, birthday cards, etc.), and they sign them, "Love, Grandpa Milt and Grandma Rott."
Rott has a Facebook page, with lots of pictures of her with my children and grandchildren, taken on their visits, and also pictures that my children have sent to their father. She captions the photos as "Grandma Rott and grandchildren." I feel she is exploiting those children.
My grandchildren call her "Grandma Rott." I feel that I have a right to forbid my grandchildren to call Rott "Grandma Rott", as Rott certainly is NOT, in the eyes of her Catholic-annulment-Catholic wedding, their grandma. (Their other "Grandma" is a submissive TBM woman, who lives only a mile away, and is a part of their life, like I am.) I feel that Rott should have nothing to do with my family, which she schemed to break up, and steal their inheritance. (Rott's former best friend told me of Rott's scheming and manipulation.)

This triggers my PTSD, as I feel that I should do something to protect my children and grandchildren.

Also, doesn't justice dictate that Milt and Rott should not get away with what they did and are doing to my children and grandchildren?

How do I approach this? Is there anything on God's Earth I can do?

I think you should let your kids live their own lives. Your unresolved pain isn’t theirs to bear. Thanks for making my life seem so normal.

Catholic annulments do *not* make children bastards.

PTSD is a b#tch. An old mormon friend i had is getting married today and did not even bother to invite me to anything not like i would go but still bothered me and it really pisses me off. So i have been crabby all day about it. They seem to have a god and i don't is what it feels like.

Your children are now adults. They have to handle this in their own way. All you can really do is to be supportive.

Since it appears to bother you, and you have noticed that it bothers you, then choose to never look at your ex husband's facebook page or his current past or present girl friend boy friend lover or friends with benefits' face book pages. And it would be appropriate to delete & or block any of your ex husbands' past or present girl friend boy friend lover or friends with benefits from your own friend list -

as what they do with who or what they say show and tell- you have nothing to do with it. They have nothing to do with you.

finally, it might be apparently that any person has a separate business line facebook page, or authors face book page, or sales person facebook group or even coach consultant facebook page as well as professional linked in profile which they maintain- and yet, have, as a courtesy to their relationship's primo/prima numero uno, a so called personal facebook page in which they mainly feature their numero uno's family (as a gift to them & their family.) What you see on the person's nice family page (which is a gift to their partner supporting family primarily) may be completely separate from their business or professional page. Deliberately and completely separate. This may even protect family members from possible clients or maintain privacy, for instance utilizing a professional name which is different than the family page name. Just as a protection for those family members placed on the page. Just sayin.

So anyways--- stay safe. and separate your own page from those folks you aren't close to anyways. Unfriend block delete put the power back by putting the focus on you.

Just my opinion. And for gosh sakes it sounds like kids with a geneology obsession starting young with the alive instead of listing the dead on charts instead and driving with present friends buying donuts and soda pop on the way to put on costumes and dead dunk dead family off their own charts. Just maybe their tribal neediness is a response to the floods and fires or fear of tornados or need for more soda pop or fear of diabetes or struggle for work, I don't know, but I do know you cannot control geneologists when they've got the bug (even if its in reverse driving down the highway meeting strangers still alive ) instead of trolling graveyards found on maps. What can you say? Kids are funny. Maybe someday they'll think enough of themselves to take a road trip called a vacation to a tourist destination instead of aiming down the road to visit pop. And maybe someday they'll finally go out to dinner or take hikes and camp or stay in motels because its fun instead of driving down in some geneology tribal slam down called reunion again.


Until that time.

Your kids are adults, let them deal with it. Its not your problem anymore.

I sympathize. I'm on RFM because the abusive, crazy people in my past (who happen to be TBM) are still either in my life or in my memories. I, too, have PTSD.

The posters have given you good advice. I hope you are getting professional help with your PTSD.

Obviously, you are giving too much of your thoughts, your energy, your self, and your present life over to a couple of idiots who "are not worthy of your consideration", as my Grandma would say. The same goes for your children. Don't cast your pearls before swine.

I agree that there is not much you can do to help your adult children. They would not indulge in this behavior, unless they get something out of it. Maybe they want to demonstrate to the universe or to God (teaching moments are lost on Narcissists like your ex and his wife) that they are not like their father. Your children are loyal, loving, and forgiving. You should be proud of them. They are not "cowards". They might gain strength from standing up for what they believe in: family, kindness, or whatever else is motivating their visits to dad. Instead of worrying about them, be grateful for them, because their good qualities come from you, and they will be there for YOU, too, when you need them. They will also have love and loyalty to their own children. I suspect that the grandchild who got bitten has never returned to that dog-house--am I right?

You can be an example to your kids--as you already have been--and show them that you can move on, and not let the turkeys get you down. Living well is the only revenge you need. You have your wonderful children and grandchildren in your life--and your ex and his wife do not. They probably love to be with you, and not dread their visits with you. That is retribution enough, right there!

"Live a great life for you now" is great advice from paintinginthewin.

You deserve to be free of abusive, awful people from your past. I'm an advocate of "no contact" as a solution, because Narcissists never learn, never change.

I'm also an advocate of balancing your life. Balance the scales with as much goodness, joy, love, fun and laughter as you can, so most of the time the good outweighs the bad in your life.

Who says that love has to come from one spouse? You have far more love coming from all your children and grandchildren, than only one spouse could ever bring into your life!

Examine your own pain, and your own thoughts, and you might discover that you have not completely let go of these jerks from your past. When you do, your children might take note, and follow suit. Just don't talk about him. Get rid of the pictures and cards and other reminders, if you have them.

By all means, get off of Fakebook!

Make a boundary for yourself, to not let those jerks (they seem truly insane) into your conversations with your family. Change the subject. Ask them about other experiences on their trips, but you don't want to hear the details about the dogs or your ex or his wife.

As for the Catholic annulment--it's all nonsense, just like the temple marriage stuff. People use religion as a weapon. It's their way of getting rid of your children, and getting rid of the guilt of not supporting them financially. If there are any bastards, it's those two.

Don't allow this to divide you and your family. I'm afraid if you confront your kids, or set petty rules, this evil could divide your family, and you don't want that. Let them call the wife Grandma--and you have permission throw her out of your life.

Wow, I just read the thread about a suicide, and the thought occurred to me, that if your ex-husband were to commit suicide, like his father did, how would it effect your children? They would be able to handle it much better, knowing that they reached out, kept contact, forgave him, sent him pictures, and visited him. They would have much less guilt, than if they had abandoned him. When he dies, he won't leave a lot of scars on your family.

Your kids seem like wonderful people, as you raised them to be, so leave them alone, and allow them to do what they think is right. Isn't that our goal as parents, anyway?

You have too much to be happy about! Congratulations on keeping your family together, and supporting them! Be proud of yourself. The divorce was not your fault.

Congratulations on rescuing your kids from an evil cult!

I understand. While you don't want to "be obsessed" with the goings on in his family, the PTSD "needs" to both prevent and punish. Like you did, your kids will survive any emotional abuse he (they) dish out, also like you, it will make them wiser and stronger. You need to let them have this experience; they need to know who he is, who they both are.

You don't want to spend what precious little time you have with them in classes on Milt's and Rott's personalites and characters, do you? Try to make them a non-topic with your offspring, and get treatment for your PTSD, so it can stop interfering in your life.

My best to you.

I grew up Catholic, and I understand your pain regarding the annulment. Doctrinally, the annulment does *not* make your children bastards. It's best to just think of it as a church divorce, not unlike a temple sealing cancellation. Catholics are not supposed to remarry after divorce, so they go through a lot of hoops to state that one or more of the partners in the first marriage did not have real intent to form a lasting union. It's bunk, of course. It's one of the hateful things that the Catholic church does.

Most kids will try to make it work with parents, even if the parents are not perfect. I wouldn't worry about their trips to see their dad and his new wife. What I would do is take your ex and Rott off of your Facebook feed. You can unfollow them both, while you are still technically "friends." Looking at her posts is painful to you -- why put yourself through that?

One more thing -- given the previous bite, I think you should talk to your kids about having the dogs put in a separate room when they visit. Their safety and the safety of your grandchildren is at stake.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/31/2017 01:34AM by summer.

She went to have Thanksgiving with my niece, who is my sister's daughter, the sister who stole my brother's trust (and was forced to pay it back). My kids were raised almost as siblings to this sister's children as she, as my parents and I felt, neglected them. They spent A LOT of time with both my parents and I and I was very close to them. Now I never see them, but I don't stand in the way of my kids being in relationships with their "siblings." BUT in order to do so, they have to be nice to my sister or all bets would be off. She would make it impossible for this to happen.

So my daughter and her family posted a big group picture of my daughter having dinner at their house. It blew my other sister's mind and she posted some pretty ugly things on fb. I FINALLY learned back at Mother's Day not to be friends with my daughter on fb. Too many feelings are triggered. Would I like to be? Yes. But it isn't worth it.

I have had to do these past few months what others have suggested. Distance yourself from this situation as much as possible. I'm just done arguing with my daughter. When she chooses to be involved with my sister at all, she will pay the price. She will have to learn by herself, just like it took me a lifetime to learn, that there is no getting along with this sister no matter what.

AND my daughter and are getting along because I've kept my mouth shut. I don't agree with A LOT of what my daughter does. But she is 32. I have to let her live her life. FB is ridiculous. All it is a 12 month Christmas letter. Mostly lies.

And my ex lives downstairs. I made sure they had a good relationship with him. What I find crazy is my daughter (TBM) says she has the utmost respect for her father, but she doesn't for me as I lose my temper. He shows no emotion, so she can deal with him. I sacrificed everything while he was off blasting out of the closet. Right now my daughter and I are getting along. I KNOW there will come a day when she KNOWS what I did for her and she'll have to face what he did to us as she never has. She just runs away from anything emotional.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/31/2017 11:59AM by cl2.