Posted by:
exminion
(
)
Date: January 08, 2018 03:51AM
You are sweet to be concerned for your husband. You are probably concerned for your children, too. I hope your post is answered by wiser people than I. My ex-husband moved us to Utah, and abandoned us here. He called me right before Christmas, to tell me that he would not be moving to Utah after all, and that he "didn't want a family anymore." We didn't know about his affairs, until years later. My fanatic TBM in-laws blamed me for the divorce. I got one phone call from my ex-husband's mother. She said, "I hear that you are getting divorced. I hope you don't expect any help from us." I told her that the children needed the love and family contact with her and their grandpa, but they cut off my children--their own blood-grandchildren! I never asked them for a dime--just for contact with the children. We were not sealed in the temple, like their other grandchildren were. The in-laws lived in California, and we lived in Utah. They secretly bought a condo three miles from our house, and spent a lot of time there, visiting their daughter and her husband and 5 children. They never even called my children. My kids insisted on sending them Christmas cards and birthday cards, with never a reply, which was pathetic.
So--I understand that watching your loved ones suffer is worse than your own suffering.
People gave me all kinds of advice, and I read books on the subject of divorce. One of the pieces of advice was to not say anything bad about the children's father, because the children might identify with the father, and think that they are bad, too. They might feel "genetically inferior." On the other hand--my gut instinct was to let my children know that their father's abandonment had NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM. I think this message would apply to your children and husband, as well.
The insanity belongs to your in-laws. You and your husband seem like worthwhile people, and so are your children. Lord! I can't imagine missing out on the lives of my own grandchildren!
Let your husband and children know that you love them. Let them talk about their feelings, if they need to, but don't include the in-laws in your life. You can be open and honest, without resorting to name-calling (even though they really are b'stards) or analyzing them or seeking revenge. You want your children to respect you.
You don't want your children to think that your in-laws' behavior is acceptable. Your children DESERVE BETTER. You can say that the in-laws' behavior is weird, incomprehensible, and cruel, because it is. Criticize their behavior, but not them. Reassure your children that you would never behave like that, their other grandparents would never, and normal people on the planet would never treat their family like that.
My wise, kind grandmother would say the following about my ex-in-laws:
"Their motto is 'out of sight, out of mind'"
"Church First!"
"They are missing out on life."
"They are half-cracked."
She would say it with a smile, and change the subject.
You don't want your family's focus to be on those in-laws. Your life is probably very good right now, except for the shadow those horrible people cast upon you. You are probably better off keeping your distance.
You-all can't help them or change them. As you so aptly put it:
"even if Jesus Himself came and told them it was a load of shit, they would still believe the church was true." They probably think of themselves of paragons of temple virtue.
Here's the outcome for us, 20 years later. My father-in-law killed himself. My children had a clear conscience, because they did reach out and send those cards. I reached out, too. I was glad I didn't curse them or show hatred towards them. A suicide is far worse than anything you could wish onto your worse enemy.
But almost as bad, is that your in-laws are living a false life as prisoners in a cult, and missing all the love and joy and interest and amazement that their grandchildren could have offered them! It's their loss.