I know one of the speakers - Kris Doty (formerly of UVU) and she has done some good work trying to dispel the shame and shunning related to an early return. But I wonder if the underlying message is "we love you despite your failure....."?

https://www.missionfortify.org/winter-2018-erm-conference-agenda/

Is the theme of the Mormon church in relation to anyone who leaves or "fails".

Wait! Don't leave! We still want tithing, even if it is from losers!

/sarcasm.

Dorothy Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Wait! Don't leave! We still want tithing, even if
> it is from losers!
>
> /sarcasm.

sounds more like accuracy, since sarcasm is usually based on blatantly false statements to make a point.

Must echo that your phrase, "we love you despite your failure," is exactly what this is.

That phrase is just another way of saying, "Love the sinner, hate the sin," which is another way of saying, "I am better than you."

I am very passionate about early returned missionaries. From MY experience (having walked out of the MTC after five weeks many years ago), I wonder if this “conference” is really anywhere near the mark.

I will be dissecting the website of this organization thoroughly. Other similar types of websites, blogs, etc. seem to address the issue of an early returned missionary as “How can we step on eggshells when we are around an ERM?” Or, “What are things we should say or shouldn’t say around an ERM? How do we blow smoke up his ass that although he did not serve a complete honorable two-years, he is still an RM?” Or, worst of all, “How do WE feel better about ourselves after having the shame and humiliation of an ERM in out family?”

When I came home, it wasn’t my peers and members of the ward who looked down on me or treated me poorly…it was my own “loving” family. Returning home to them was a nightmare that still riles me up some 40+ years later. From my father greeting me at the airport with a HANDSHAKE and saying, “You look good…I can’t say I am glad to see you”, to him screaming at me at the top of his lungs during the drive from the airport home, to my mother not being able to face me for FOUR DAYS, to my sister knocking on my bedroom door in tears and saying, “How could you do this to our family?”, to the restrictions placed on me in the home (I had NOWHERE else to go) that were designed to kick and keep me down, to my father finally approaching me six months later saying, “I think it would be best for the family if you were to leave”.

It is my belief (and experience) that ANY AND ALL problems concerning an early returned missionary can be mitigated through the backing and support of the parents/family. Starting with prior to the mission emphasizing that serving a mission is not conditional to anything. Eliminate things like, “I’d rather you come home in a box than to come home dishonorably.” And if the missionary does decide FOR WHATEVER REASON that he no longer wants to stay on his mission, there should be NO STIGMA attached to that decision from his/her parents/family. Oh how I wish my father would have said something to me along the lines of, “O.K., the mission is out of the picture. Let’s work up a plan for some direction in your life. Let’s get you some transportation, let’s get you a job, let’s get you back into school, you can live at home rent free as long as you have a job and are working towards a degree, etc.” That conversation (or anything close to it) NEVER OCCURRED. Instead I got, “I think it would be best for the family…” It became very clear that I did not go on a mission for myself, but instead for my family. And from the shame and embarrassment I brought them by returning early I was going to be made to pay for. Oh how I was made to pay for it.

Of course at some point the church is going to have to tweak it’s stance about serving missions. From brainwashing and heavily emphasizing the need for the youth to serve missions, to it teaching the young women to set a goal of ONLY dating and marrying an RM. Until changes are made within the church, the stigma will remain.

As I mentioned, I am very passionate about this and from what my experience was, my heart goes out to ERM’s. Many times I have been reduced to tears after hearing their stories as those stories dredge up the skeletons from my past. I know there are those ERM’s who had if rougher than I, and I am mulling over making a documentary film about those stories. I know it has been helpful (therapeutic) to ME to share my experiences…perhaps I can help others by giving them a voice in telling their stories as well. We’ll see.

My best friend returned early from his mission and lives a happy life today. I think what really helped him was joining the military as soon as he returned, and also getting the hell away from his family. Today he still doesn't have much of a relationship with them. I hope you can share your story and help others as well.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/16/2018 03:53PM by terranmaner.

How is your relationship with your family now? Has your dad or mother ever apologized for how they treated you?

It is a travesty what they did to you. I've posted on here several times and just did in another thread that I started telling my son at 2 years old that he would not be serving a mission. I had many mothers come to talk to me over the years and many of their sons didn't want to serve missions, yet ended up going anyway. I always told the moms I'd never think badly about them. This is just something I could not have done it myself and I have always been glad I was a female in mormonism rather than a male.

If I had a son who went on a mission and he came home early, believe me, I would have been jumping for joy to have him home with me again.

After I left home, got married, and went back to school, it seemed my parents realized that I wasn't that bad a guy and had direction. We patched our relationship up, there was NEVER any discussion of my mission, no apologies for the way I was treated, and although things were better with them...it was the elephant in the room.

Years later though we had a final falling out and I had no relationship and no contact with them for the last 4-5 years of their lives. I attended my mother's funeral at the request of my father (we weren't estranged at the point), but I didn't attend his.

All these years later...leaving my mission and dumping my parents...NO REGRETS!!!

In my ward growing up there was a boy who came home from the MTC diagnosed with leukemia.... he was treated as a pariah. Totally messed up culture mormonism.

gettinreal Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> In my ward growing up there was a boy who came
> home from the MTC diagnosed with leukemia.... he
> was treated as a pariah. Totally messed up
> culture mormonism.

I am a nevermo, but I have been here on RfM for a long time...and this story is deeply shocking to me.

(On reflection: maybe it is because my Grandpa died of leukemia and I know from first-hand observation, and love, what "leukemia" in real daily life can mean.)

Are women returning early from a mission treated differently? I think so, and I have seen it from my wife's family. Her sister was on a mission for a total of 4 months(really only 4 months). She came back claiming depression and received no back lash. Yet they were so excited for her to go on her mission 4 months earlier. Anyone else have an experience like that?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/16/2018 03:52PM by terranmaner.

This was when I was still a believer and before the age change. I can't remember how long she was out, but she came home depressed and suicidal. Her mother didn't know what to do for her. I did a lot of talking with this girl trying to get her to realize that she was not a failure. I was going through my separation at the time, so I had some grip on how you're treated as a "failure." The daughter and I are still friends. She just got divorced actually.

Anyway, the people treated her horribly. She moved out of state.

I appreciate hearing about the treatment of those who come home early. I look forward hearing of from others who came home early or know of some who did and how they were treated/mistreated.

It seems so ironic that religion is suppose to be about love while in real life, it is about shame, guilt, and soul destruction. Keep the vampires away from me.

Below is one of the best examples of a family leaving the church. Upon deciding to leave the church, the parents hopped on a plane to go rescue their son from his mission.

It is great to see happy endings for both the parents and the son.

https://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon479.htm

This is all backwards.BACKWARDS. It's not the early returns that need to go to a conference.

The problem isn't the early returns. The problem is the Mormons themselves. The judgmental Mormons. The Mormon parents who get their self esteem from having an RM son. The Mormon parents who like mine told me they would rather have me come home in a pine box than come home dishonorably. The Mormon's who would rather make a kid feel like a Pariah than wrap their arms around him and welcome him.

The God Damn Mormons need a conference on now to behave like decent human beings.

Mormons need to be fixed and these early returns need to get the hell away from them.

The very fact that such a conference even exists is extremely telling.

Another article on it becoming a problem

https://www.deseretnews.com/article/865628809/6-lies-early-returned-missionaries-tell-themselves.html

I came home 1 months early at my father's request. He couldn't afford to support me any more and wanted my help at home.

I did the report, didn't get any flack from anyone. (1963)

I felt guilty but was secretly very happy to have an excuse to come home early.

I am so sorry Jaxon and others have been treated so badly--and at such a vulnerable, turning-point time of your life.

Well done, Jaxon! You must get your story read! Begin by submitting it to a "letters to the editor" section of the paper, or as a reply on every website you can think of.

Women are treated differently. The bishop's daughter came home early from her mission, and no excuse or explanation was given. I had a calling in the YW, so I knew this girl. Before her mission, she had threatened suicide, with a loaded gun. The bishop's whole family was psycho, so no one was surprised that the mission president sent this girl home. Later, this crazy bishop moved up the Mormon ranks to temple president, and is now a member of The Seventies. He's still a horrible person, but a very wealthy tithe-payer, and an attorney for the cult.

Her father the bishop had her speak in sacrament meeting, just like any other homecoming, and it had been only a few months since she spoke at her farewell.

A TBM neighbor of ours dis-owned his only son, and kicked him out of the house, because he refused to go on a mission. The son had a university scholarship that he wanted to accept, so he went to California, and has never been back, even for a visit. Old friends say the son is a good person, a university professor, married with children. My neighbor has never seen his grandson, who is now a star basketball player at that same California university. The neighbor is the one missing out.

The Mormon cult, and its members, is very unfair. Look at how they treat abused wives, gays and their children, divorced people, older single people, couples not married in the temple, couples without children, the elderly, people who don't dress right, anyone who asks a question, as well as early returned missionaries.

True exminion… and yours' [told] was an interesting story (how Mormons [are made to] treat others - as above or below - non-EQUAL, no matter what).

Why do Mormons treat "others" (each other) differently? They think they are 'different'... and have a lot to learn. That's the problem. They are general afraid to start [learning] (do anything consistent and soul searching about it). 'Learning' involves admitting you don't KNOW EVERYTHING. Can't do that

Young - and Old - Mormons are SO lackluster in their attitudes and outlooks, acceptance of others, especially when it comes to treating others EQUAL. Even ERMs!

M@t