My life is now in chaos.
It started right before our wedding in July last year, with the endowment and going through the temple. I was super happy and emotional having my then-finance's whole family there, but it just wasn't what I expected, and didn't make me feel closer to God.
Also, I had converted just 1 year prior to that, and coming from a Christian background, had been very skeptical about different doctrines/policies/practices. But, is fallen in love with a Mormon I met at church after my baptism, and we wanted to be married...so we went for it.
Just 6 months after our temple wedding, I had what LDS call a "faith crisis" - but to me, I had finally FOUND my real faith in the real God, and realized the church couldn't possibly be true (mostly faulty/contradicting scriptures and doctrine issues).
I told my husband about this, and his response (as a TBM, RM, all his family is TBM) was anger/sarcasm toward me. I insisted on counseling, since I wanted to make it work because I believed our love and God could help us succeed in the marriage. After counseling for 3 weeks, he simply said he was done and it was over, and he was filing the divorce papers. And he gave me a 3-day deadline to be completely moved out of the house we had moved into upon marriage.
In the end, I had no choice because he'd made up his mind - after tons of negative pressure from LDS family, LDS friends, and LDS acquaintances from church - he told me all the negative things they said about both myself and our situation.
I'm left without much left, and I can't believe how he could use God as justification for his actions - he even threw in a "vision" he had as justification too!
How do I come back from not only losing my husband but also feeling like an idiot for falling for the church and everything they taught me? How did I not see it was a fraud? I might just be looking for comfort here.

Sadly your husband's response is a typical knee-jerk reaction to having been a BIC TBM for his lifetime. People are expendable. The gospel must come first at whatever cost.

Whew. He loved you only insofar as you were able to comply with being a Stepford wife, LDS style.

You're going to need to pick yourself up now that you've lost your footing. You HAVEN'T LOST YOUR SENSES, YOU HAVE FOUND THEM. Your heart will heal. You're going to need time, support, encouragement and hope that there is life after being inside a CULT. Mormonism is a CULT, make no mistake about that.

You've seen the inside of the temple and what a snow job that is. You've been through the mill, but you will get through this. One day at a time. I hate to say this, but your husband sounds like a dip wad jerk of a guy. Why do we women fall for men and are blinded by our emotions when we do? Because we are HUMAN. You will RECOVER. Be gentle with yourself. You're going to be alright.

((((Hugs!!))))

How could he just force you out of the house? Did you sign a pre-nup?

Because you would have legal rights in the property you both shared as husband and wife, albeit of short duration. Was it his home? Or both of yours? He can't just throw you out if you bought it together.

What a piece of work. Are you able to retain an attorney? There may be a low-cost clinic near you if cost is a factor. Something you maybe ought to explore because you do have legal rights in all this.

“How could he” seems to be the operative phrase here. This is not an isolated incident. This is par for the course, sad to say and wish it weren’t true. You’re lucky to have your Job moment now, not that it alleviates the overwhelming pain you’re feeling. Just know you’re not crazy. It’s not you. It really is the way it looks. You’ve not plumbed the depths of Mormon hell, and you don’t want to.

Amyjo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> How could he just force you out of the house? Did
> you sign a pre-nup?
>
> Because you would have legal rights in the
> property you both shared as husband and wife,
> albeit of short duration. Was it his home? Or both
> of yours? He can't just throw you out if you
> bought it together.

I emphatically agree with Amyjo on this.




> What a piece of work. Are you able to retain an
> attorney? There may be a low-cost clinic near you
> if cost is a factor. Something you maybe ought to
> explore because you do have legal rights in all
> this.

Yes, you need to see an attorney or a legal services clinic in your state (and, preferably, your local area) ASAP.

State laws in the United States vary...there is a HUGE difference between marriage law in "common law" states and marriage law in "community property" states, and you need to find out right now, what YOUR rights are, in the relevant state you and he live(d) in. (If you need help finding a legal services clinic which serves your area, I suggest you call your local Social Services office (a government entity usually, probably of your local county), or your local Catholic church for help in connecting with one. (Catholic churches are usually pretty good in helping people in need, whether you are Catholic or not.)

This has to be an almost unbelievable shock to you, and I wish you all the best in resolving this situation, and then going on to a far better life for you.

We didn't share any major assets, and the home was owned by a family member, so it was a gray area since there was no expectation of rent by either me or my soon-to-be ex-husband.
I didn't fight over staying in the house because it was so painful for me to live with someone I love so much, but who didn't want me there, didn't respect me or my beliefs, and had so clearly turned his family and now friends against me. I had family who helped me move out-of-state (I was living with him in Utah).
I'm so grateful for your concern here, and I hope that helps clear things up. I'm realizing more and more that it could've been much worse of a situation!
God bless

I'm glad to hear you have family who've moved you out of Utah. I hope you go on to live a happy, mormon free life.

Welcome, Mayrach -- we're glad to have you here! Make yourself right at home.

The anger, hostility, name-calling, disparagement, and character assassination are not unusual, sorry to say. Mormons quite often put church over marriage. In time, I think you will come to realize that you dodged a bullet. Far better to find out the truth of the Mormon church now, than later when you might have been married for several years and had a family. That would have been far, far more damaging.

In time, you will prevail and find personal happiness. Until then, have hope for a better day.

There is a book that I think you might like. It is called, "The Mormon Mirage" by Latayne Colvett Scott. Latayne left the Mormon church for another Christian denomination after a lengthy struggle. I think you could relate to her. It was the very first book that I read that opened my eyes to the Mormon church.

Good luck to you and keep posting and responding to posts. We are here for you.

Thank you so much for the support and encouragement. This was pretty bad, but in his email I stumbled upon an email from his sister, who absolutely adored me last year...(she's on a mission right now, and apparently just heard the "news")
She said, "I KNOW YOU DID THE RIGHT THING and HIGHLY SUPPORT YOU AND COMMEND YOU FOR GETTING THE DIVORCE...Losing trust in someone is sickening" "Your wife switched into a VERY different person"

I'm utterly confused as to what he could have said to merit that kind of response? Their whole family has been Mormon for at least a couple generations, and is all Mormon.

I know it could've been a lot worse, but seeing how terribly I'm being spoken of is awful - never have a had a bad reputation...I'm usually the quiet nice one who everyone loves! That's who I was to his family!
He's never been a liar...is he just doing this to justify himself??

TBMs 'know' the church is true. So when someone leaves the church, it's basically for one reason: Satan got them to feel offended or Satan go them to want to sin.

So based on these being the only reasons they will accept, you are automatically a person to be shunned, to be pushed away, to be forgotten.

Welcome to the real world!

Welcome, you are among friends here. The life without the church is wonderful. I have met true friends and real relationships.
We attend a non-denominational church now.
Please keep posting

Do you have your family nearby? Do you have friends who are not mormon? Are you employed? And have you sought out your own attorney? You're likely going to need representation through the divorce.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/17/2018 07:50PM by Devoted Exmo.

If you really love the guy, teach him a lesson he’ll never forget. This coming from a guy.

Babyloncansuckit Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> If you really love the guy, teach him a lesson
> he’ll never forget. This coming from a guy.

I am unaware of this lesson. Do you mind explaining? I'm intrigued!

Hugs and love to you, Mayrach. Im sorry you had to go through all that massive upheaval. When enough time passes, you will be so glad you wont have to spend your life in a cult and its totally based on lies. And you will be glad you are rid of that flaming jackass who has hurt you so. Please feel free to come here and vent. You will meet people who are comforting and empathetic.

I am saddened to see these situations where the spouse loves the church far more than the other spouse.

Your situation is not unique.

There are many goos people here that will tell you that gbey went through the same experiences. You are not alone and we can tell you it gets better.

If you are truly done with Mormonism and when you are up to it, I'd suggest you officially resign. This will keep the church from attempting to contact you later at your new address.

Many people find officially resigning gives them back a sense of power.

We all wish you the best.

Complete directions for how to resign can be found here:

https://www.exmormon.org/remove.htm

Resigning is desirable because the Mormon church will go to great lengths to find you even after several moves. Resigning greatly lessens or even eliminates the ongoing harassment.

He wasn't married to you. He was married to LD$ Inc.

You rose to a challenge against your freedom to think for yourself. You did the right thing. Imagine a whole life of being tyrannized by this man and his family. I know it hurts now, but you will overcome.

donbagley Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> You rose to a challenge against your freedom to
> think for yourself. You did the right thing.
> Imagine a whole life of being tyrannized by this
> man and his family. I know it hurts now, but you
> will overcome.

OP, so many wonderful statements in this thread so far, but this got to me so I'm quoting it!

donbagley makes such a great point. You would have had no life. That's hard to see because it did *seem* to be wonderful and beautiful when you did what your now ex-husband wanted.

It's just awful to be turned on, no matter if the people are not worth your time. It's horrid.

I'm glad you are here and hope that you find comfort here.

He is a bad man. At least you found that out now, before kids.

As Dave said, the church was number one, and status among family. Marriage is supposed to put a couple as priority one, though it rarely does.

Don't live in regret. Good learning experience.

Seriously, there’s a guy code. You don’t kick a woman out of her own home. This dude is shit.

If so, you're going to have to work a little harder to find friends and a support system. It will be embarrassing, but consider going back to your previous church for spiritual and social support. Perhaps your previous pastor or priest can direct you to a counselor and lawyer for help. You've gone through a horrendous shock: you need guidance and support, even if it seems humiliating.

Ask your lawyer if (s)he is Mormon. As you've learned, Mormons' loyalty is, very often, to their church.* If he won't divulge, look for indications of LDS around his office. You have a right to ask about his education. If it is BYU, find another one. A bit of on-line research might do the trick.

Start reconstructing a history of your courtship and your marriage: Write down what you were promised, when, how, and all these things. Also, be sure to keep all records, letters, emails, and texts. Do not destroy or delete things, no matter how angry and hurt you may feel. Your lawyer will want to know the details of your courtship and marriage, and will need to substantiate details, especially if the police or such were ever involved. Include what your in-laws said and did; that's important, too. You need to establish that you went into the marriage with love and good faith and every intention to make it work.

You probably feel wobbly right now, Mayrach, but you'll be standing on your feet soon. Fight for your dignity, your rights--and what you're entitled to as a wronged woman.

*Most of us here call it a cult.

Also, unless he’s truly remorseful, if you don’t fight he’ll do it again to someone else.

I was thinking the same way as your husband for most of my life. Your post brings me a great embarrassment to who I was. I was harassing my wife to wear her temple garments in the heat of summer and interrogating her whether she was drinking coffee with her friends. Just because she was a convert just like you. I was embarrassed by her lack of devotion. Her inability to pray vocally at church in front of others. Her refusing to give talks. I seriously considered divorce a few times. My children kept me in my marriage. Thankfully.

As I listen to her play Enya on the piano right now, my heart aches for my actions of the past. I was married to the church first and her second. She's a great woman to stand by me all these years.

I hope that you find peace Mayrach. Your husband is a dipshit -- just like how I used to be! I can't take back all of those arguments with my wife but I can only live a better life outside of Mormonism day by day. Life is quite a journey!

I hear that it takes about half of the time that you were in a relationship with a person to finally get over them. If you were with him for a couple of years, it will probably take another year to get over him. This is just an average amount of time. Such is the game of love and life. Although you may wake up every day and be shocked by the circumstances that you find yourself in, these feelings will soon pass. I am wishing you well.

Saving that marriage should not be removed from your considerations. Or maybe it should! There's no way for us to know, and whatever you do, understand that afterwards, you will inevitably second-guess yourself.

You might be God's instrument for bringing your husband out of LDS, but, humanly speaking, the odds are very bad. The cultic mindset and loyalty, especially when reinforced so powerfully by his family and LDS community, are very powerful.

If the marriage is truly over and done with--TAKE HIM FOR ALL HE'S WORTH!

Get yourself a bulldog divorce lawyer. DO NOT use your husband's lawyer "in order to save money". He/She is paid to represent him first. Do not cave. It sucks right now but this is the time to stand up. The other side is your enemy. I know you feel lonely, but you'll feel worse after getting steamrolled. Hang in there. There are a lot of good people here that will help you. Stay strong!

I have seen a few marriages fall apart due to religion.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFgkYUxSpwI

Sad my cousins marriage also ended in divorce when his wife ready the ces letter and started researching it. They were married for 10 years and had 3 kids. Anyway he married a new wife 12 months after their divorce and is happy. His new wife is very religious and they enjoy their weekly temple trips together. Some of my family is so extreme lds that they can not deal with another person close to them not believing in the restoration of the kingdom.

My,my,my....I could scarcely believe what I read. Fruitful advice for a broken heart to follow:
1. You are a person of great worth. Tincture of time will be needed for you to realize this but you will.
2. If you haven’t left the house DON’T. If you have you need safe housing that meets a budget.
3. Can you maintain employment not being LDS? If not employed take stock of your skills and seriously look starting tomorrow. Self esteem will return in little trickles but employment helps.
4. Where is your family and can they or will they help?
5. You need solid legal advice.

If you are able to say where you are more specifics may be found on this board

Gatorman

What a hard thing to have to go through...but, as it appears, it will be worth it in the long haul.

Best Wishes,

As a Christian without much grounding in the Bible I too fell for the ploy of Mormonism. I married a TBM RM and was on the brink of converting when I fully realized what a sham Josepth's Myth was.

We went through some difficult times as well but eventually my husband became a Christian as well and left the Mormon church.

I fully understand your hurt and frustration and am so sorry your husband treated you this way.

notmo

It hurts terribly right now, but some day you will be thankful that you didn't spend 40 years trapped in Mormonism. Like me.

I'm so sorry! What a horrible situation and what a horrible man. Please see this as a blessing. I'm assuming he's young and easily influenced by his family. My entire life growing up I was told that you can make your marriage works ONLY, if both partners are active at church. You bet he's following this bullshit. I'm sorry he gave up on you and your marriage. He'll most likely portrait himself as a victim. He has nothing to lose. He can remarry in the temple again and live his sad life. But remember that you're better than him. You are. Couple of things I would do...

1) Don't listen to his family, friends, DON'T meet with the bishop/anyone from tscc
2) Take care of yourself. You have rights. He can't just move you out. Seek legal help.

I really admire you. I live in New York. If you're near by, I'd love to help you

Your husband doesn't know what love is. Genuine love for the woman he betrothed.

Lawyer up. Please protect yourself from this man. I don't trust him at all after what he's putting you through.

Don't let yourself be discouraged either. Now is the time you need to figure out how you're going to stand on your own without depending on him. Be strong. There'll be time for falling apart later after you get through this intact. Maybe get counseling?

That is very therapeutic, given the right counselor who you can relate to who understands you and can provide useful feedback. A sounding board is a good thing going through a divorce.

Get an attorney....

Get out now...but why are you the one leaving the house?

His church will take his side.

Your side will support you......friends & family & exmos here.
Is there an exmo group in your area?

Hang in there....
It hurts now but find a way to celebrate YOU.

AnonyMs/KJ

Couple of points:
Mayrach never said they owned the house. Could be a rental. Still, getting booted out of a rental is a problem. Attorney time.

On Tevai's comment: common law and community property are not opposite sides of the same coin. Common law marriage has to do with when a couple is considered married without having gotten a license. Community property has to do with ownership rights.

A state can have common law marriage or community property or neither or both. California has community property because it is a holdover from Spanish law that applied when CA was a colony of Spain. There aren't very many community property states.

And good luck to Mayrach. However painful right now, I think you'll be much better off in the long run.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/18/2018 10:17AM by Brother Of Jerry.

I am sorry you are going through this. If you haven't left the house, don't. He is the one breaking up the marriage; he can leave if he wants to. In some states, leaving the marital home allows the person who stays to claim they were "abandoned". Get legal advise before you move out if possible.

One more thing, Mayrach -- make sure that you are looking out for your financial and legal interests. I assumed that because you have not been married long, that you and your husband are renting. Is your name on the lease? Or is it just under your husband's name? Did you purchase a house together? Did you help put your husband through school? These and similar questions would be best put to a divorce lawyer who can look out for your best interest. If your husband was employed and not you, then he might very well be paying for your lawyer. Most initial consultations with lawyers are free in any event.

Divorce mediation is another possibility if both of your assets are limited.

Just don't let your husband's lawyer try to steamroller you. You have a right to representation as well, and your husband doesn't get to have everything go his way. Look out for yourself!

So sorry. I feel like if I would of figured out earlier on this is the exact same situation I would be in. Unfortunetly it took me a few years longer and with kids this makes things a lot more complicated.

I agree with others, he did you a solid. You will be so much happier in the long run not having to live with this kind of person. It will hurt for awhile, but in time you will meet someone that is not stuck in a cult. I wish I had an easy way out.

Be grateful you didnt bring kids into the mix. Makes it a lot tougher to get free of that nonsense.

Ahh yes. the only true church....used as a battle axe between spouses. Say no more. I know how that story goes. If you don't fit into the perfect, fairy-tale narrative of the other spouse and find yourself in a faith crisis...many good TBMs will immediately distance themselves from you and even go so far to say that "satan" has got a hold of you. Do we know of any other religion that invokes the name of Satan so much? Basically, if something is negative and not falling in line with the expected and forced LDS narrative, they go with the Satan has a hold of you gig.

That may or may not have happened to you, but if you don't fall in line and do so pretty quickly, you get kicked to the curb. Its apparently not OK to question the church. Its apparently not OK to have doubts. It is apparently not OK to research the church from non-church endorsed sources. Its apparently not ok to question the validity of the church's truth claims. etc. etc.

The perfect gospel plan (said sarcastically) used as a battle axe to divide people who don't fall in line....kind of makes you wonder if it really is the "only true church" huh?

Sorry to hear about your divorce. Your ex could have left the church with you and greatly improved his life. My TBM parents blame my nevermo wife for me leaving, but I was the one who woke up and decided I could not take it anymore.
One consolation is that your decision to leave happened relatively soon after getting married, and you don't have children with your ex.
Your ex might have a financial dependency with his family, which pressures him to stay in the cult.
I was pressured by my father and cousin to leave my wife after a few years of marriage, as she had not converted. I am so glad that I ignored them.
I love my father and have learned many good things from him, but the church has poisoned his judgement and heart in many ways.