My out-of-state parents have invited themselves to Easter at my house! First of all, I think it’s horribly rude. Second extra awkward factor- we don’t celebrate Easter. They know we’ve left and it’s a huge source of contention. They do not know we are also not Christians and most of my house are atheists.

I refuse to even discuss religion further as nothing good comes from that and it will just damage relationships. But, I still get passive aggressive remarks, disapproval, and general emotional manipulation. I’m the trailblazing first and only of my family of origin to leave.

It doesn’t work with our schedules and honestly we just don’t want them here. I feel like a horrible daughter. But, we have already seen them twice in the last few months and just can’t take anything this soon.

I realize my issue is part lack of boundaries, cowardice of the consequences, and needing to sct like a grown woman as much as the religious part.

How can I say no with minimal drama on their part and them making it about the church? Maybe there is no good way and I’ll just have to weather the likely anger and guilting that will result?

Is there any way that you and your family can go "somewhere" else for Easter? Could be for business...or maybe to take the kids to Disneyland or something?

Is there some pressing reason why you just MUST go to the nearest next state over for Easter this year? Something that just came up, but cannot be put off?

If you and your family are not going to be home for Easter, your parents obviously can't visit.

Good luck...I feel for you. (Been there, etc.)

I actually am out of town for business the previous week, so I’ll need to be catching up. Wish that was the next week. We can’t leave town with kids because of work and finances. Plus- not kidding- they would probably try to join us wherever we go. It’s happened before.

I would call them back and say that "something has come up" and that Easter won't work for you. Or you can be blunt and state, "We don't celebrate Easter, and would prefer to see you on another date when we will have more time to visit with you." Set a date with them for a visit in April or May -- "Would [date] work for you?" When your parents call to say that they will come visiting, always have another date in mind. Or say, "let me check my calendar and get back to you."

I know that you dread their visits, but it would be in your best interest to be proactive and set your own dates for visits with them.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/22/2018 05:33AM by summer.

That is good advice. They are already planning to come again a couple months after Easter :-/ At least it’s not a religious holiday and the kids are out for the summer. I think I need to let them know we just want them to come then, when we are available and can spend quality time. I think you are right the best I can do is on my own terms when and how long.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/22/2018 06:52AM by goodbyemoroni.

Agreed. Use the "Marcia Brady" defense....."something suddenly came up."

You don't owe them a specific reason, just say it doesn't work for you due to circumstance.

Mormons don't celebrate Easter either. They make a bigger fuss over Mothers Day. This year I think Easter coincides with General Conf. Easter will get mentioned in a few speeches, and otherwise ignored.

Traditional Christians are always gobsmacked when they see a Mormon Easter service. I wouldn't worry about it being Easter. To Mormons it is a convenient time to take a holiday.

That's what I was gonna say too. We celebrated Easter but it had nothing to do with christ. It was celebrated as a feast day.

The only religious thing we did or talked about that day was bless the food inthenameofcheeseandrice.

We're already very tightly scheduled and we wouldn't be able to spend time with you on any of those days. Let's work on a better time for a visit.

Since they self invite.......

Tell them you will be in (insert out of state location here).

Once they self invite, play along.

They'll show up and you'll be home!

Oh, did you forget to tell them plans changed?

<<<<How can I say no with minimal drama>>>

The point here is that your parents are INCITING drama. There is nothing they want more.

<<<< I still get passive aggressive remarks, disapproval, and general emotional manipulation.>>>>

While you are doing everything to keep the peace and appease them, they are upping the ante by trying every way to force you into that confrontation you are dreading. Then they can blame you for being disrespectful (heaven forbid lol) Thus, the frequent and never ending visits with drama inciting snipes. They sense your passivity and are using it against you. They think that if they push hard enough, your fear of angering, disappointing, and failing the "all sacred" family will force you to cave into their demands. Remember, your responsibility now is to your primary family. You and your husband are the head of that family, not your parents. Remember the scripture "a man shall leave his parents and cleave unto his wife..."? It means that you have moved into a new generation where you are the leader and they don't want to release their paternal/maternal power and control over you. They are mimicking the same actions tscc is taking with the membership. The more they see the members losing respect and walking away, the more they DEMAND obedience and submission.

It's not so much that you aren't acting like a "grown woman". You know you are a grown woman. It is that you are feeling the fear that comes with all forms and levels of life change. You are changing from obedient, compliant daughter into responsible mother and wife. They refuse to accept that shift in roles and are pulling out all the stops to keep the status quo.

You need to start preparing yourself for the confrontation because it is inevitable. Neither your parents nor you are getting what they want. You can drag this on and on or plan your strategy. All we can do from this end is give some helpful hints. The exact method is up to you. Slow and gradual steps may be your style or maybe you'd rather rip that band-aid off in an instant. I predict that whatever your style, Mom and Pop won't give up easily. That's why once you've developed your plan you will have to stick with it and repeat the message over, and over and over until it sinks in, if it ever does. You'll have to stand your ground. Are you prepared for shunning, guilting, bad mouthing to everyone in ear shot, never ending visits from missionaries and church reps? That's probably what will ensue but if you are prepared, and your husband and kids have been warned and prepared, you will survive.

I suspect I'm a bit older and have developed a tougher hide over these many years so I, put in your place, would quietly and firmly tell Mom and Pops (or write a note, send an email/text) telling them that Easter is a "no go" or "called off". The fewer the excuses (best is none at all) you make the better. Once you start feeling the need to give excuses the harder they will push. Just say that developments have arisen and they will have to make other arrangements. Then stop the communication. If you have to say anything just say "I'd rather not discuss it at this time". And when you feel the need to discuss the issues (apostasy, atheism, manipulation, etc. etc. etc.) YOU set the time and place. I suspect they will needle you, prod, plead, demand, rant, and rave (that's THEIR style) but you just have to keep quiet. REMEMBER: NO EXCUSES NECESSARY!!! You are your own boss now. It's your home. It's your family. It's your life. Make it your own.

Decide what your greatest fear is. Are you afraid of losing your relationship with them? Are you afraid of their manipulation of other family against you? Whatever your greatest fear is you need to identify it and conquer it. Will they shoot you? Will they disinherit you? If you cannot handle it then you are trapped for life. But if you can take anything they throw at you then you will be finally free.

Go girl!

Lots of good advice and things to think on. I’m glad you used the word “passive” as it’s not a word I’d use to describe myself. Yet, when it comes to this, I’m being ridiculously passive. In general, I am not a passive person- my profession actually requires the opposite. I need to figure out and work through why I allow them to treat me this way.

They are totally acting like TSCC!!!

They do think they are still in charge and have he right to say what goes because they are the patriarch/matriarch. Not sure if that’s a Mormon thing or just enmeshed family thing.

Once I decide what to do, I’m a more a rip off the bandaid girl.

No excuses- that is where I get pulled into the weeds. They try to force me to explain, justify, and defend. You described their style exactly...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/22/2018 07:27PM by goodbyemoroni.

"We are not available for a visit that weekend. We look forward to seeing you--next visit."

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

No --explain--justify--defend--just repeat.

That advice comes to you from my 160 dollar an hour psychiatrist.

By the time I was strong enough to put that advice in place, my ridiculously controlling mother in law stomped through the last boundary and I cut her off for seven years--long story.

Don't let anyone run your show.

I can relate my father has a bad habit of inviting himself over to my place on the holidays and my sisters places. Why he thinks i would celebrate a god that watches me suffer i have no clue. Mormons don't get anything.

I agree with the others who suggest making yourself unavailable for Easter, and then offering an alternative on your terms.

However, be prepared for it to eventually escalate to a point where you have to put your foot down and establish hard-and-fast boundaries that you will no doubt have to enforce multiple times before they are respected.

I was estranged from my family for a couple years after I left the Catholic church. Every time I saw family, they would make snide, passive-aggressive comments about my lack of faith, choices, and generally how I lived my life. They, too, would show up uninvited and unannounced. The hard-and-fast boundary was for me to not answer the door whenever they stopped by unannounced, and enforcement of it meant that I hardly spoke with any of them for a couple years.

The estrangement eventually passed; my siblings and their children followed me out of the Catholic church, my parents became more open in discussing problems with the Catholic church and religion in general, and we all happily get together quite often...even at my home.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/22/2018 03:43PM by GregS.

They think that because they brought you into this life and raised you, you owe them an eternal debt.

Do you have any stories about them not "honoring" either of their sets of parents? Cuz then you can mention such incidents should they play the "you owe us!" card.

Easter is April Fool's day this year, if they show up send them out to find the eggs you never hid.

Just tell them you are busy and the timing does not work. You do not owe them dinner just because they decided you do.

Why beat around the bush?
It sounds like your parents are a pain no matter when you get together.

If you are too afraid of them have your husband call them and state categorically that your plans have changed - don't call us we'll call you.
No other explanations need be given.

The problem with people like your parents is that you need to nip this in the bud or you will have them intrude for the rest of your lives.

Yes,their feelings will bee hurt but so what? That will happen no matter what you do.

When they get there tell them you don't have anything planned (dinner, etc.) because you thought they were making an April fools joke. They are on the same day this year.

I would want someone to teach me non Mormon vocabulary, and to help me learn the phrasing in non seminary primary relief society school calendar phrasing, and to help me learn a secular vocabulary form. This speech form is foreign to those who have not worked professionally in a truly secular professional environment. This set of phrases and polite responses is different than the now dated forms of phrases and vocabulary taught to me in college and institute. So since I do not work for a corporation and have that professional language, leaving the church has been first falling to a subset of only educator speech, (in a crash inward to one remaining set of vocabulary which by the way did not serve me welll with family can you believe that? they want to be approached as peers in charge of their own independence not from an admin or teacher speech set lol) OH GOD what a change!

to coach me to learn to proactively ask: when is a good time for your father and I to visit? Can you please check your calendar and get back to me.

not god wants this, um, uh, I want this. (recall the church conditioned us women not to allow any self wants, desires or needs. So if a church sister wants to enjoy Christmas tree ornaments at the outlet mall and get each grand child to choose one from the hanging stuffed animals and elves and buy it as an expidetion, they might communicate religiously because they stuffed their down wants and were taught it is impolite to say they want, a sin, to say they want, to.)
So teach your mom to say, I want to. I want to see you. I want to buy ornaments or see fireworks with you. instead of god wants it.
YOu could do a gentle front after they say, God wants it, you say, ah cmon! mom, YOU want it, admit it!!! and probably, sheepishly, she will admit, yeah. and laugh gently (because its a sin, a shameful thing to say, I want as a Mormon lady you are correlated commodified by commandment time spliced and diced until you basically die wrapped like a burritoe in your temple garments dead and in a casket. damn it. So many wants. Some many wants. unexpressed compressed and unaddressed.)

Another thing to coach: is there a thing we could do together, a place to go together? Something we could do? (like a day at the beach, visit the acquarium, go to LEGOLAND? near by?) Coach them to say< we want to plan our visit and arrive at 8 pm, get up and go with you and the kids to LEGOLAND on SAturday, then we can watch and movie you choose while the kids sleep, we can either eat brunch at home or buy everyone breakfast Sunday morning and then, me and your dad will leave. Three nice days together. What weekend will those fit in your plans?"

In other words, get them to agree to block hours of time the way you choose. Do not leave them unregulated percolating sort of like stove top coffee sort of chugging around your house like an unregulated freight train off its tracks or spinning in the round house amongst the other engines with no engineer to steer and its not powereded down, diesel engines running (like a weekend seminar plan or weekend series of plans, activities around you which you wanted to do.) Perhaps a gazebo to help build, a exterior wall to help paint (have the paint & brushes) or a drainage to reconstruct on a hill side, or a bed to raise with drainage rocks and stuff to construct.

(these are persons away from their occupation & away from their tools and talents.) Also can you coach them to travel with tools and talents, arts or a set of wood carving or automechic tools and either their get a table on the porch to spread and work, or a work bench outside, or you have a project running they join.

to make it secular, its not a NOT in the math equation is a redirect. a segue.

IT CANNOT be about eating breakfast. It has to be an invention together a creation together, a making a creating which is shared being... I don't think a weekend party where all the generations get soused is the Mormon way. it just isn't. There needs to be a way to garden together or something these probably aren't the folks to tok up with. They might not know how this isn't how they lounge, and there isn't anything toxic about not lounging with pot or hookas, I think it might not mix well with their medication. That's something for their personal exploration and communication with medical providers learning about mixing RX with recreation. So. but just, you know, there's a way to make this work.

coaching skills. coaching skills.

vocabulary. vocabulary.

phrases, new phrases.

praise the part you like. when you see it or hear it JUMP on it
praise it. (You'll get it back. you might get more of it.) Because these things, um, with words, words changes, vocabulary are not predictably application and vocabulary isn't a direct commandment item- think about learning Spanish with lists of words for instance, how many of them sticked? But dancing or playing a game some of those words and phrases sunk in. When you coach and teach others to communication with new phrases:

such as: when will this work for you, in your schedule.
first you teach by saying it, directly about them (their schedule) and later, you model flipping the phrase (the two phrases you're trying to make shared communication phrases:
"when will this work for you" / "when will this work for me"
and "in your schedule" / "in my schedule" )


Then you refer to an exterior not a flippant rude rejection hate but instead you refer to "the company calander" "the work project calander" or "my calander" or "my spouses' work project calander" etc and you ask them about "their travel calender" the "their project calendar" 'their dental calendar" etc.

Utilize "your calendar" to limit or ask for more time.

Refer to "my spouses's calendar" or "your ____'s calendar" as a limit factor. (religious are taught they have no needs until they die. religious lds are taught its a sin to express their needs in fact, and they somehow accomplish tasks in the midst of horribly time consuming callings, or survive with barely done laundry etc. )
So you may need to fill in and reference your needs and wants very precisely, ie I am traveling and will be in hotels working long hours field work the entire week before, I will have no laundry done no bills sorted no groceries purchased and will be exhausted until at least Tuesday, maybe Thursday I'll be up to even speaking with you on the phone. I come in like a hot rock in the atmosphere melting down sizzling when I hit the ocean upon landing when I am finally home, (insert audience's name about here) its like I wandered in from outerspace or something the work place is so different like than home and I am beat, beat tired beat up like the top of lemon merague pie before you put it in the oven. You guys, got to let me have some time so I can bake, before you visit me. That would be a horrible week to come I am so done in I am distressed even thinking about it. This job although I love it good heck its so demanding not that I'm not grateful to have it and all but gee mom.

ok, something like that. " I think it can be taught. But I'm a teacher at heart on a lesson learning journey through life & don't want to die without wringing every lesson this life can bring. I believe in learning. I am a believer. & an optimist, that learning can exist. I believe. learn me. learn you. lets learn. power up. " (that's your new testimony) try it on 'em. try it on everyone.

"Let me check my (or our) calendar and get back to you" is the polite way of buying yourself some time. My sister-in-law, who has all of the social graces, taught me that. She really does have an active social life, and does need to check for previous commitments! She also taught me, "This date won't work for us, how about this date?" I agree, Painting, there is a way to be polite about it and also to plan fun activities. I like your ideas for how visitors can spend a fun time with their families.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/22/2018 04:17PM by summer.

"One of the kids came down with a bad case of leprosy. Sorry, we'll have to catch up with you some other time."

Works every time.

Boise”. Never been there.

How about telling them that you either aren't celebrating Easter

this year, or telling them that you've been invited elsewhere for

Easter...?

Or just tell them the truth.

Maybe the reason they want to come on Easter is BECAUSE it's conference and they want to bully you into watching it. They have you boxed into a corner they think. Force feed the gawspel to you. Works every time. lol.

Like others have said, just say "no,". You can give them reasons but the more you talk and try to explain, the uglier it is likely to get to get. The less time you spend trying to justify or explain the better. JMHO

Simpler is probably better here. Be nice! But firm. E.g:

"I'm sorry, that doesn't work for us".

If they want to know why "as I said, that doesn't work for us. I'm sorry".

If they persist, want to know how it doesn't work, "I'm not going to go into that, sorry".

In other words you've made your decision, you're letting them know, you're not putting it up for discussion or debate.

You just inadvertently explained to me why they want to come that weekend so much- but not for the reason you think. They don’t watch conference, it’s their “church holiday.” They are really dogmatic about some things and very liberal about others. It makes sense- just read it later quickly or wait until they are all rehashed as RS/HP lessons.

Ironically, I was the one who used to watch the conference sessions. I was the most orthodox Mormon in my family of origin and I’m the one who left- LOL. I guess I cared too much and studied too earnestly.

I’ll bet you’d feel really proud of yourself for standing up to them and saying no. I know I would if I did so in your situation.