Posted by:
SusieQ#1
(
)
Date: September 20, 2010 01:24PM
One of the most striking things I have observed, is how that emotionally based love of the gospel very often turns to hate, rage, bitterness, and anger, sometimes lasting for years and years, when a member stops believing (for whatever reason.)
In my case, I knew that those powerful negative emotions would sabotage my ability to protect my self respect, self confidence and would not promote my personal well being: physically, emotionally, psychologically, mentally. I chose to do my best to avoid them as much as possible. The real power I could rely on was: love. Sure, I was annoyed, upset, baffled, confused, mad, etc. at times, but it never lasted very long. I experienced those emotions as a member and as a former member.
I loved the gospel, loved being LDS, loved being involved, living the life style, got so I didn't mind the garments after I had them made to fit, with no lace, or going to the temple (that 8 to 10 hour excursion was a quiet escape- playing my part in the costumed audience performance, figurative play), loved my family, enjoy my "callings." At least, as much as anyone else who lived a familial, societal, traditional, cultural, religious life-style. I often call it: The Good, The Bad,The Ugly; just like every other human being.
I have the kind of personality that sees the humor very quickly, in many or most of my experiences. Growing up with Depression Era family, who had a wonderful sense of humor, must have rubbed off on me. Apparently, that was evident even when I was in grade school, or so I am told! :-) This ability to see the humor and engage in laughter has been very beneficial in my life. It accounts for how and why I responded to new information about the LDS Church and it's claims.
As a consequence, when I was pulling back, (shocked to the core by some of the treatment I received over the years, (wasn't even Christian - I would often say), wondering "what is wrong with this picture" (my initial period of examining Mormonism after thirty years of active service and belief), giving myself permission to stand up to inappropriate treatment, (the old Brethren's Halo is Askew Syndrome!), I noticed that my emotional connection of "love of the gospel" was wearing very thin. I was hanging on by a shoe string. Many times, I was spent. I didn't want to be involved, didn't want to attend. I was exhausted, worn out, cramped. I couldn't find inner peace, or joy as promised, or the freedom that went with it.
The adage: "The church/gospel is perfect, the people are not," quickly became one of the most ridiculous things I had ever heard. Good Grief, people. There would be no church without the people!
Rote answers of "Why did we come to earth: To gain a body and be tested" and dozens more like that, lost all meaning and were empty silliness that would appeal to a five year old.
Little by little my eyes were opened and I realized ( reading on line, Dr. Shades to be exact and dozens of other web sites recommended by a family member): Holy Cow, the Book of Mormon and Bible are not literal history. Myths, legends, parables, teachings, etc, around still standing places didn't make the Bible literal history.The Book of Mormon didn't even have that.
Then it hit me: the Book of Mormon is fiction about imaginary people, places and things. Very clever! And I snickered, and laughed --quietly, for days and days. Joseph Smith Jr didn't have any golden plates from any angel or any visions. It was all claimed visionary, treasure digging with nothing but "spiritual eyes' witnesses, which mean they believed what they were told existed.
Wow. That is powerful stuff. The incredible thing, that got a chuckle out of me, is that thousands and thousands (millions) of people still believe in the long established traditional beliefs of Joseph Smith Jr and his claims, and there is not an iota of truth/factual evidence to back up any of it, no matter how imaginary and clever the Mormon apologists are or how fervent the testimonies are.
That, I realized is the amazing power of the "Spiritual Witness." Hmmm. I didn't think I had that. I think I just believed what I was told as who would even imagine that anyone was telling "stories" and making it up as they went along. Nah. that couldn't be happening. But it did and it does.
Now, the question became: was I going to choose to hate my life, hate the church, hate Mormons, fill my mind with bitterness, anger, rage, now that I realized that I had bought into an excellently fabricated God Myth? Nope. I couldn't deny my prior life. Was I going to engage in regrets? Nope.
There was value to all of my life, not a bit was wasted, nothing was destroyed, it all taught me something, and I was not going to diminish any of it by turning against it. I had a lot to be grateful for: a wonderful family, a good husband and father for my children, (I got one of the good ones! :-). and hundreds of fun, terrific memories, including the pictures to prove it!
The church I left was not the church I joined in the 60's when we had fantastic lessons, open discussions, lots of fun and laughter, and dozens of events for the adults and kids.
The church I left had become narrow, overly restrictive and authoritative,little to no creativity, dumbed-down manuals, with nothing but lack-luster repetitive robotic meetings, leaders with no ability to manage anything, many of which were clearly emotionally unstable.
The church I loved had changed, dramatically. It was empty. It offered me nothing of substance. My creativity was stifled also, beat down by the opinions of others.
That started my Exit Process from Mormonism -- a Do It Yourself Project -- with no manual, flying by the seat of my pants, hitting all kinds of turbulence: snags, rough spots, tears, angry family members, lack of understanding, false accusations, and on and on, relying on the power of repeating their own teachings, particularly the 11th Article of Faith to make some inroads. Eventually, people adjusted and accepted the notion that I could and did change my mind and that was going to be OK.
I have learned more and more, every day about the value of living in the present, enjoying every day, living with inner peace and love, and freedom to govern my own life. And what a wonderful gift that is.
I continue to live with and love many Mormon friends and relatives. It works for them, and I am fine with that.
Differences in religious beliefs are not an issue as we continue our positive, fun, filled with love and laughter, relationships. And that is exactly how I want my life to continue. Each of us have the freedom to live our lives as we choose, for which I am very grateful and appreciative!
And so it goes, one day at a time.:-)