I wonder because leaving the church felt like an easy decision to make after intensive study and thoughtful meditation.

I initially decided to stay together with DW regardless of how difficult it was, now I am questioning that too, for both her happiness and my own.

I think grieving what was/could have been is similar in many circumstances.

It feels like the death of a dream.

I don't think anyone who goes through divorce feels sane for a long time. It's awful.

FWIW, I don't think you're in a good position to decide one way or another at this point, regarding your marriage. I think you should keep posting here, see what happens next, and pursue as many things as you can that are healthy and provide stability FOR YOU.

You are majorly in flux at the moment and FEAR never leads to good decisions. Think of the advice from Yoda!

Thanks for that. Not planning on deciding soon, just trying to be proactive about making a good decision when the time comes.

We had been married 11 years and we had twins who were 10 years old. I had only been working very much part-time.

The divorce (I'm not divorced, he left in 1996) was much worse for me than losing the church. I was thrilled when I figured out the church was not true as I had struggled with the gay issue for 23 years by the time I figured out he was okay just as he was. The years after he left were living hell. He didn't make it easy and neither did his first boyfriend. He was abusive to all 3 of us. My kids considered him a distant uncle and quit calling him dad. Our son still doesn't call him dad even though they've been getting along for about 13 years now.

My "ex" actually lives downstairs in our home that I hung onto for 15 years by myself.

I always knew I couldn't handle a divorce, but neither could he.

Somehow we found out way back to being friends. My boyfriend from age 20 (nonmormon) has been in my life for 13 years now. But still I deal with not being able to give my kids an intact family. I consider divorce extremely destructive. It has been for all the people in my life. My son was only married 9 months and he attempted suicide twice in the next 6 months. I know that my family is extremely emotional and do not take things like this easy. I warned my husband that he could never leave me if I agreed to marry him as I knew I couldn't handle it. but he left anyway.

I think you could probably do well. I wouldn't allow her to hold your hostage with this the rest of your lives. Life changes. People change. Is she going to emotionally hold you hostage every time you change?

For me, the biggest emotional pain was in leaving the church, and losing all the dreams connected to that.

The divorce was an emotional nightmare too.

However, looking back, I found the loss of the church 'dream' to be the bigger emotional issue to get over.

Not to be flippant, but replacing a spouse with a younger, cuter non-Mormon girlfriend is a pretty quick way to salve the pain of a divorce. It isn't as easy to replace all the dreams of Mormonism, even when you know it is a fraud.

I think the difference is subtle but significant.

Leaving the church means you were lied to and having found out, chose to leave and find something better.

Many people see divorce as a failure. In your case she thought she had an eternal companion/pathway to exaltation. She ended up with a mere mortal. She may see it as a lie. From what you've posted you believed you had a person to share life with and found instead someone putting conditions on loving you that you simply can't work out. The failure to reconcile can haunt you fir a while if you don't understand that the only way to "save" a marriage is to live a lie.

Mark Twain said you cannot pray a lie. Not surd ghat is true, but what one would lose to save a marriage in this case is their own identity.

Frankly, with her not wanting you to father kids, and no real tie, realise it is not a failure to set things right and give each of you what you want.

I wish you luck and peace


.

My experience is that divorce is far far worse because of the failure to make it work aspect.

Leaving the church, well I see that as easier because it wasn't my integrity that was at fault; it was that Mormonism is false.

So, I see a big difference.

Not really. When you leave the church you get a pay increase.
When you get divorced you have to pay dearly $$$.

Leaving the LDS church was easy. But I never bought into it so I didn't have much to lose.

Getting a divorce was difficult for me, but only because my ex-husband and I have a daughter together. If we didn't have any children, it would have been a lot simpler. For those without kids, once the assets and liabilities are divided and spousal support is figured, you're pretty much done.

If you are seriously considering a divorce, check with an attorney to see what you might be in for in terms of paying alimony. Be smart about things, like not leaving the marital home (which could be considered abandonment).

Good luck with everything! Sounds incredibly stressful and my heart goes out to you.

She will do much, much better emotionally with you gone than you think. Knowing that may help any decision.

It's in the wiring. The product of millions of years of evolutionary biology and evolutionary psychology staged in an unpredictable environment.

Well, - best of luck to you both.