Mother Who Knows
Date: July 17, 2018 03:18AM
I'm so glad you are here, Catnip!
I hope all of our good wishes collectively cheer you up! You have a lot of people who care about you.
I thought I was going to die several times. One time, I was falling fast, down a slippery moss-covered cliff, headed towards sharp rocks and the ocean. It was a long slide, and when the initial panic was over, I felt peaceful, too. It was like everything was out of my hands, and I was OK with letting whatever happened, happen.
The other times I thought I was going to die, was when my ex-husband beat and/or strangled me into unconsciousness. Before I lost consciousness, I thought, "I don't care if he kills me. I just want the pain to end." When I was being strangled and couldn't breathe, it was a relief to leave my body.
"Dying" a violent death--or perceiving myself in the process of being murdered--did something to my soul. I knew that I was being "split into pieces", and parts of me have never come back. I have lived a full life, have loved, worked, raised children, etc, but that old "spark", my spunky, sassy, risk-taking side of me was gone forever. I had to get therapy for PTSD.
Is there some kind of therapy, to help people face their own death? I think my mother would have benefitted from a tranquilizer, to help her through some of those nights of anxiety. She was TBM, though, and didn't believe in taking mood-altering drugs.