I have been living with my TBM parents for the past year, and it's tough to say the least. Well, last night we had a boundary issue. My mother and I were talking and I said that I would not do anything that makes me uncomfortable if the ONLY reason I am doing this is to make someone else happy. I didn't feel like this was unreasonable, but it really made my dad mad. He was listening to the conversation. He and my mom later discussed this at length, and my dad said he was uncomfortable with my dog, so he was just going to put her outside when he isn't home. I was like, huh? (We live in NC it's too hot for animals to be outside), but so as not to poke the bear, I said, "OK". I really don't think he understood what I was saying about not doing something that makes me uncomfortable just for someone else to be happy...so....not sure what to do from here. He's still really angry about this conversation, and he's being so passive aggressive, like waking up and using the paper shredder at 6am, and stomping around so loudly that the doors and windows rattle....so, where do we go from here? I'm not backing down on this boundary (I was married to a narcissist, so it's very important that I keep this in place), how do I explain to my dad that I'm not just being difficult? I am not at a place where I can move out just yet, and yes I do pay rent, so I think they should respect my boundaries....thoughts?

Take the dog.
Leave.

That's the dream, I also have a child, my goal is to be out in 6 months. I don't think it's a cakewalk for them either....but...yeah, I felt very unsafe last night and this morning, and really, does my dad expect me to change my mind on this and say, "Ok, yeah, if something makes ME uncomfortable, but will make someone else happy, I'll totally do it,yeah that's something I totally want my daughter to learn" yikes!

What's the issue with the dog? I know for me getting stuck with living with my brothers dogs was not fun while he lived in a no dog apartment, I have asthma and was medicating myself everyday. But as much as I hate dogs I hate cats even more, my allergies were so bad that I would get flu like symptoms from those vomiting cats.

And then there is the mess the dogs make. All the walls turn brown, hair everywhere, mud and slobber caked on the floors, all the carpets will have to be replaced likely. Why anyone would live with barn yard animals is beyond my comprehension. But everyone has to have their dog, I guess?

Did your dad at least get a cleaning deposit to take care of this mess?

I think the dog is the only leverage he had to let me know his displeasure in my boundary. She's only about 11 pounds and she's well trained.

I can't imagine a dog creating the kind of mess you describe.

Your distain for animals is understandable because of your allergies, but property damage is not an issue with most dogs.

I don’t know what kind of dogs you live or have observed but I have lived with dogs and have known dozens if not hundreds of dog owners and I have never ever seen an animal leave an apartment or a house in this condition. I’ve seen dogs make a mess on carpets and get fur everywhere but I have never seen them turn walls brown or do anything to the extent that you describe.

I have a pet dog and the only clean up I have to do after him as a vacuum. He is well-trained and never goes in the house, his paws rarely even get muddy.

You can escalate or you can play it carefully. No one gets to go through life never feeling uncomfortable. It just doesn't happen. What your father heard was probably a declaration that things were going to be your way or else. What people hear is often not what we intended and that is the way life works.

I have an issue with the phrase because in a lot of arenas the phrase, "You are making me uncomfortable" has become a weapon to get your way. In the workplace it can be a veiled threat of a law suit.

If I were in your shoes I would approach your father and tell him you feel bad about any misunderstanding and would like to come to a better understanding because your relationship with him is very important. Tell him you are just finding your way after being married to a narcissist and it would help you a lot if you could just talk about what happened. It isn't about who is right or wrong. It's about working together.

If something makes you uncomfortable the solution isn't to pass the discomfort to someone else. The solution is to find the solution.

Right now you need to be as uncomfortable as is necessary to get your dog back inside. I would go through anything to keep my dog safe and happy.

Good insight here. I hadn't thought it could be perceived that way.

To be clear, I have no problem doing things I don't like or that make me uncomfortable when there is a good reason for doing it.

"I have no problem doing things I don't like or that make me uncomfortable when there is a good reason for doing it."

I got that from the way you wrote your post. Your mother's tactic would have made me feel the same way. Mom and Dad have their own issues and you get to navigate them. Fun, huh?

Good luck. A smile and a hug go a long way sometimes. They will appreciate gratitude as well. Use your aces.

It would be better to crate the dog than to leave it outside. It is more humane, and will not put the dog in jeopardy to be left outside to the elements.

Are your parents placing restrictions on you and your personal space, for living there? What is unreasonable about them, if so?

Soon as you can afford to move out would be a logical next step to maintain your boundaries with them. Until then ... try to be as respectful of them as possible without losing yourself.

Compromise may be the best course, if possible. If not, and it becomes their way or the highway, it's going to be a rocky road for awhile.

So, how we got on this discussion was my mom's #1 tactic for persuasion is saying something would please her. It's triggering. I don't know how to articulate this to them. They are not 100% convinced my husband was abusive (that is a whole other can of worms)

Your parents weren't married to him, you were.

Sometimes parents would rather turn a blind eye to what's going on and pretend things are okay when they aren't, for the sake of keeping a marriage together. Even when it's bad.

It isn't your job to convince them of anything. They either believe you and trust you, or they have their own issues to grapple with.

You do have a lot on your plate. Between ex issues, living w/parents while coping as a single mom w/child (and pet.) You have my sympathies.

Respect is a two-way street. It isn't unreasonable for you or them to expect to be shown respect deserving of each other. It's going to take some work since you're no longer a child. Unfortunately parents may still see you as their baby girl, and you need to assure them you still are although now you're grown up and have to figure things out for yourself. Thank them for all they're doing to show you love and support. Your duty is now to your child though, than to them. Hopefully they'll meet you in the middle and not be uncompromising.

Your pet is a part of your family. A crate may do wonders to calm your dad when he isn't around to watch the dog.

Off to the crate store I go! I thin that is a good solution to the dog issue (which I really think there was no problem until my dad felt he needed to make a point)....

This is so difficult.

They think my life when to sh*t cause I left the church. Good times. To be fair, my life went to sh*t the same time I left the church, but it wasn't the cause of it.

Make moving out a priority! There is no perfect time to move. Do something toward that move every single day. Call around and visit places to see what is available. Put out feelers everywhere. Leave no stone unturned. The best roomate I had in my entire life I found from an advertisement on a bulletin board at the university I attended. She was renting a duplex and needed a roomate to help pay the rent. I talked with her on the phone then went there to talk with her in person. We worked out boundaries, etc. ahead of time. We were roomiesfor 2 years.
Just sayin' you would be so much better off living on your own.You can do it! It's some effort to get out, but keep on moving forward, do not get mired down where you are.

Do we need to talk about it again or can we let it drop and save ourselves the trouble?

Adults do plenty of things that make them uncomfortable for the sake of pleasing others, especially loved ones. IMO your dad was simply pointing out that living with an adult child, a young child, and a dog is not always a cakewalk. I would just express some appreciation to him for providing you with a home, tell him you know it must not always be easy to do so, and give him the time and space to cool down.

As for your mom, I would just evaluate each of her requests on its own merits. Try to disregard it when she plays the "this would please me" card. Carefully consider her wishes, but balance those wishes with your equally valid need to please yourself some of the time as well.