Posted by:
Need to be anon this time also
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Date: July 26, 2018 11:37AM
Shannon, I remember you well and I'm so glad you came here for help or validation or whatever the right word is. Sorry this is a little long, but I want to give you this background to validate your instincts.
My childhood sexual abuse was so benign, for lack of a better word, because none of it is benign, but it only happened once and it was "only" fondling. I was 13 and had no clue that it was wrong and why I liked it so much. Basically, my father taught me how to masturbate because after he left, I wanted to touch myself the way he had because it felt so good and it took about 3 seconds to hit the big O. And after that, I knew this amazing trick to make myself feel good and help me go to sleep. I thought it was a little weird, but since my father was so cold and distant that his laying by me when I was scared in the night was so comforting.
Then a few years later you can imagine--I learned what it was and the guilt and shame I felt was a big factor in so many of my life decisions, because I could go for awhile without sinning and then I'd sin again. It consumed me--not shame for that first incident, shame for the pattern that had developed. I was well into adulthood before I was able to admit to myself that my father had abused me. But of course, by that time I never said anything to anyone. I would never in a million years have been believed and it just wasn't ever any big deal. But of course, after that I knew that ANY "good LDS" man could abuse children.
Fast forward to when I had daughters and was married to a perverted sociopath. I had reason to believe that he had been diddling one of my young daughters (I'm 100% sure now). I confronted him and it was ugly and I was afraid, so I just made sure that he knew that I knew and I never had any reason after that to think anything had happened and it was just one of the many fights that led to divorce down the road.
Then fast forward again to my now having granddaughters. My oldest graddaughter was the sweetest little girl and then "overnight," as my daughter described it, she turned into a little devil. At the same time, my daughter and husband were living with my ex while they were going to school and they both worked part-time nights in a cargo-handling job, so my ex would watch my granddaughter at night. That in itself always made me a little nervous. But when granddaughter started displaying some really weird behaviors, I also learned that when she woke up in the middle of the night, she'd go an get in bed with grandpa instead of him putting her back to bed. I had a friend who was a counselor who was like, "wow, she displays all the signs of a child who has been abused, who doesn't have the vocabulary to explain it."
So when my daughter and husband finished school and moved to another state and started my granddaughter in kindergarten, they were really frustrated with these weird behaviors. They took her to a counselor and I asked my daughter if they'd asked the counselor about child abuse. She was really mad and said her husband would never do that. I said "I'm not talking about hubby, I'm talking about grandpa." I still never said anything about my suspicions about what he might have done to her when she was young." She let me know in no uncertain terms that her dad would never touch his granddaughter, and I've had an estrangement with her and my other daughter since then.
That granddaughter is now 16 and has grown out of it, is doing well, is talented and very smart and an honor student. But I had other granddaughters and I was so afraid for them. In the mean time I find out that my ex had been picking up hookers for years and that during that time my daughter and SIL were living there, he was also bringing hookers to his house. My daughters know that too, but still don't believe he would ever touch the granddaughters.
So I did as you suggested... tell, tell, tell. I put my suspicions out there so that they would get back to him. He knows what no one else does, that I had suspicions about him for years. I figured that he hated me enough that he was never going to give me the "satisfaction," although it would be no satisfaction of letting me be right. Even if it meant I lost touch with my daughter and granddaughters, it was the only thing I could think of to keep them safe. And as far as I know, they have been.
But here I am, living in the same town as my ex again, very scared of him because of another thing that happened, and not knowing what to do. Luckily we work for the same very large company but in totally different places, so I've talked to our security and he is flagged if he ever tried to enter the building I work in. And I've told all my friends that if anything should ever happen to me, it will have been him. He is textbook sociopath, but he's on good terms with my daughters and they hate my guts because, of course, I am the crazy one. They both have some serious mental issues of their own and all we can do is each get our own therapy.
My father is now gone. I have been in therapy for several years and knew that keeping my mouth shut about his abuse was the right thing to do, although it's hard sometimes because I want to say, "how can you think your father never diddled his daughters, when my supposedly wonderful father did?" It's been really good to get a therapist who knows nothing about mormonism who can really see things from a normal perspective and help me through a lot of issues, and sees how they built on each other--especially my need to want to make my father proud of me, which was a futile exercise, nothing was good enough for him.
But if your daughters are past where they can or want to press charges, you are SO right to tell tell tell. For one thing, you want many people to know and you want him to know that many people know. So that if anything weird ever happened, he would be the first one on the suspect list. Be careful of your surroundings. And know that you have done the right thing and you have every right to be wary and be scared. I live with that always hanging over my head. My ex will outlive me because I don't have good enough luck for him to kick over and release me from my fear.
And now, after all these years, I find out that my daughter has been careful about having her kids around their grandfather and not leaving them alone with him. I wish I'd known that she would take precations, but she never wanted to tell me that because she didn't want me to think that she believed me. Now I understand our estrangement--she is mad that she has had to take those precautions because of the "horrible lies" I told about her father. But obviously she knows there is a chance that it's true and she doesn't want to ever give ME the "satisfaction" of having been right. Really messed up when the thing that drives our family is need to not let the person we hate be right, but whatever works. I would much rather have them hate my guts and know that my granddaughters have been safe than to have kept my mouth shut so my daughters would like me and have to deal with the fact that I could have kept my granddaughters safe and didn't should anything ever happen.
Keeping children safe is number one. Keeping ourselves safe is number 2. I don't know any mother or grandmother who doesn't feel that way. Giving the fiance notice was the right thing. He can tell her you're crazy all he wants, but you planted the seed of caution, even if she won't admit it. What she does with that info is up to her. If my ex ever married someone with young daughters or granddaughters, I'd hope I could at least share that info. Although I don't think I'll have to because I know that he tells people that I accused him of abuse. If I was dating someone who told me that, I'm sure I would be a little cautious, even if in my heart I believed it wasn't true.
Anyway, nice to hear from you. Don't ever let anyone tell you you're crazy because of the things you suspect. Or if they do tell you, know that you are NOT. I told my daughters once that the fact that they don't care whether their daughters might have been abused by their grandfather, says more about what kind of mothers they are, and less about me. However, I didn't know at that time that she DID care enough to take precautions. That is the thing that gets me through the estrangement.