I left an abusive marriage a few years ago and live with my parents and my daughter. Although I'm 29, because my parents support me in that I live in their house, I feel like I can't make decisions that they don't approve of. I really want to find a community that I feel comfortable with but whenever I take my daughter to Unitarian services, my mom gets upset and says that I'll ruin my daughter and she won't make friends in the area that we live and I'm setting her up to make friends with people who will be a bad influence. She gets so upset that it really damages the way it feels at home. This makes me feel really angry but because they are helping me I feel like I can't really fight back but it's a betrayal. I desperately want to find a community that I feel comfortable in and I do with the unitarians but this brings up tons of shame in me. I feel like if I had been active Mormon my bad marriage and what my parents see is other failures in me would have been less severe at least. I'm feeling awful this morning and isolated. I have a really hard time being open to people about who I really am and being comfortable because I'm so used to being fake. I'm trying to date, but I almost automatically put on a facade and I don't know how to stop. I feel dirty and Evil. No matter how much therapy I get or how much I try to reason through this with myself I can't shake the shame. I really need a community that can accept me for who I am but I don't know how to do that when my mom falls apart and really hates me for being a bad parent to my daughter. It's hard because I already feel like I'm a bad person. how does one find a community in a situation like this and how can I learn to be honest about who I am?
That it is! Well, if there's such a thing as relativism, because, you know, it's all relative. We proudly proclaim, "Unitarian Universalism--where all your answers are questioned!"
"Don't let the opinions of others dictate how you live your life! It's your very own life and only YOU should be living it so that when you lay your head on your pillow at night, you have as few regrets as possible when you review that day's activities!"
They should be happy for you that you're on a spiritual quest and trying to raise your daughter to be intellectually honest like yourself.
Since they aren't able to let up on their own over zealous religion maybe the best thing would be to leave as soon as you're able.
If it's financially unfeasible, try to make the best of a bad situation until you can become more self-sufficient. UU isn't a bad religion at all. Nor is it an evil one. If it helps you find your way out from Mormonism, more power to you. I took my children to a UU when we first left Mormonism in the 1990's.
We went for several months. The reason why we left there was I decided that sans Mormonism I still believed in the monotheistic God of the bible. So we church shopped to find something else that aligned with my personal beliefs better. If not for going to the UU initially I would not have learned that about myself. When I left Mormonism I learned I still needed a biblical reference and influence guiding my life. Just not Mormonism. I have UU to thank for that.
Regardless of where your searching takes you, a spiritual quest is unique to the individual. Your parents may not be able to respect that because they belong to a cult that wants to control every aspect of their lives, and yours too.
Learning to let go, and let God work in your life is more than a discipline. It takes faith - sometimes a leap of faith. And is more of an art form IMO because you need inspiration and hope to keep going.
Hugs from another single mom who's been where you are now. Things do get better. Don't lose hope or the self-confidence to trust yourself & in a higher power to be there for you and your children.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/05/2018 03:49PM by Amyjo.
Unless they will kick you out or make your life so miserable that it isnt worth it, I would just quietly do it. I am not saying you should lie, but just quietly do it without a fuss and let them know it isnt up for discusson.
I agree with Bona Dea. Just do it and always respond to your mom in a mild manner when she gets upset about it. In the meantime, you need to be making plans to earn a good income so that you can one day live on your own. Community colleges have lots of good career paths that you can train for quickly. They may very well offer low-cost child care as well. And you can take out loans to cover your education. You need to be able to support yourself so that you can move out!
I would also talk to your UU minister about your situation. Perhaps your mom would feel more comfortable if the minister paid her a home visit to allay her concerns. When my Catholic mom was grieving my father's death, a good friend of hers suggested that her own UU minister visit my mom. He was seriously great and was a skilled, empathetic listener.
The UU members that I've know have been delightful people with lots of virtues. But I guess I don't need to tell you that!
It doesn't sound like you can't go, you just won't stand up the verbal attitude.
Simply respond with a smile saying that her view is prejudiced as she's never gone to meet and know the people. Just politely point out the bigotry of her position. And go on with life until something more concrete is put down as a requirement for your living there. But always be polite and smile with the love you can muster.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/05/2018 08:34PM by dogblogger.
You have a child - their grandchild. It's very unlikely they'll kick you out of the house. Continue to tell your parents how much you love them and are grateful for their kindnesses.
Mom, I love you. And although I reject your religion, I respect your right and choice for your life. And I need you to give me the same. I am your child but I am not A child. As an adult, I have the same rights and choices for my life. And as a mother, I make the parenting decisions for MY child. I am thankful and grateful for financial help. But that help does not negate my rights as an adult and parent. I hope you can accept this. I don't want us to be at odds. I love you.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/16/2018 02:18PM by lisadee.
I agree, do all you can to self support even if you have to work disabled like I am doing right now. It has helped me going and seeing a counselor and a psychologist to help me realize that my parents are messed up in the head along with the religion. Listen to the advice of a good psychologist above the average Joe. Most people don't know your exact situation. Every situation is unique. Deprogramming and getting away from cult family is tough as hell.
You will be treated like a child as long as you are dependent upon them for your housing/care. Its unfortunate that they do not respect you as an adult and allow you to make your own decisions.
This isn't a mormon problem, btw. This is an overbearing parent problem and happens to all religions and even atheist households.
The Unitarians are the last people who would ruin anyone. They are just afraid that you will discover the kinds of truth and freedom that Unitarians have.
Universalists will believe anything and commit to nothing, they're all over the place in confusion. Sort of like little petty children in grown bodies. But if it's friendship your needing at this point in life and not answers then ya it's probably a good way to go.
I think Universalists is a good organization for social friendship.