Posted by:
Ella
(
)
Date: August 12, 2018 07:27PM
This is a long story, sorry for the incoming wall of text...
I was an only child, raised in a mixed-religion household. My mom was casual LDS (I guess she'd be considered a Jack Mormon), my dad was a mildly observant Reform Jew. In my younger years, my whole family would go to sacrament meeting once a month and then go out for brunch after. My dad would occasionally take me to his synagogue around Hanukkah, but other than that, religion wasn't a big part of our lives. We spent most weekends hiking, biking, playing at the park, going on drives up the canyon and other outdoorsy things.
But my mom's side of the family were really hardline TBMs and they HATED how she married a non-member. People in the family don't like to talk about this too much, but my grandpa actually refused to come to my mom's wedding. They were always making things hard for my mom/trying to interfere with our lives (I remember them fighting a lot and one time my mom kicked them out of our house).
When I was 12, things changed for me. My mom decided to start going back to church after a spiritual experience she had with family history work. And from there, she got more and more active until she was a full-on Mormon again, paying tithing, going to the temple, going to all of her Sunday meetings, etc. She encouraged me to go to Church with her, so I went off and on...and I loved the ward so much, esp Young Womens. I eventually started taking seminary class. I'd never felt so spiritually uplifted in my whole life. I KNEW the Church was true. I was baptized at 14.
But, looking back...I was so self-righteous. My dad turned into my conversion project and I started looking at him differently. I was borderline resenting him for drinking coffee, not going to church, and all of the other "bad" things. I thought he was holding our family back. It was even worse when I started thinking in the eternal perspective and how my parents weren't sealed. My mom felt the same way and their relationship started falling apart (which was upsetting because they NEVER fought...they were always really patient and easy-going).
My grandparents and some other extended family and ward members kept pressuring my mom to find someone better (not directly, but in that passive-aggressive way), but she tried to stick it out for years. My parents ended up divorcing when I was at BYU Provo and I was so angry at my dad. He moved back to New York City to take care of my grandpa on that side of the family. My dad tried to keep in contact with me, but I didn't want to talk to him. This is really painful to admit right now, but I told him I didn't want a relationship going forward and then I cut off communication with him. He still tried to email/call me, but I just didn't care. I was so mad.
(He insisted on coming out for my graduation, so we had an awkward meeting then).
A few months after I finished school, I had a huge faith crisis because of listening to Mormon-themed podcasts and learning more in-depth info about the Church (polygamy, temple rituals, etc). Then I read the CES letter and that was the end of it. The Church was so clearly false. I went through a lot of depression...I couldn't believe everything I'd put so much effort into was fake. I thought my mom and I were on the right path after coming back to the faith. The idea that it had all been pointless was terrifying. I'd been duped.
I knew I couldn't live a double life, so I told my mom. She was really upset, especially since she and I talked about our spiritual experiences so much. She couldn't believe I was walking away.
I've been out ever since. My mom and her side of the family doesn't talk to me much these days. They think I'm not trying hard enough to get a personal confirmation. Or that I'm not being sincere in my prayers/search for answers. (It's always MY fault in their opinion, not the Church's)
Anyway, so now I've completely lost my support system. I've gone from hardcore TBM to non-believing, non-active. And now I realize that there was nothing wrong with my dad. I put Mormonism first and pushed him out of my life, even after all of those fun times we had together when I was growing up. I'm so disgusted with myself.
I want to reconnect. He's probably one of the few people in my life who wouldn't judge me because of my lack of Mormonism, but I've been so crappy to him and I don't know how you even START to fix a broken relationship like this. I'm willing to apologize a hundred times over, but does that really make up for giving someone the cold-shoulder for that long?
I just wish things didn't have to be that way. I twisted my TBM-ness and hurt my own family.