As of recent, my wife and I have jointly (fortunately) come to the conclusion that we no longer believe the church to be true. As for myself, I was born into the church, RM, graduated from BYU, and married in the temple. The whole shabang. My wife was also BIC, BYU Grad, but not an RM. About a year ago I read the CES Letter for the first time. I had some prior doubts but a lot of things were made more clear by not only reading the letter, but reading most of the reliable sources it cites. I brought up concerns to my wife at the time and she instinctively defended the church (I don’t blame her for her conviction). Anyways, I dropped the whole topic and just “went through the motions” regarding church matters and wasn’t quite practicing all of the Mormon commandments. About a month ago, more doubts arose for both myself and my wife. We have read the CES letter, both together and on our own, and have done much more research only to realize we have been psychologically duped for the past 25 years. Overall, we’re lost. Her sister and her husband are ex Mormon so we have them to talk to, but they live halfway across the country. All of our other family members are practicing and would be absolutely DISTRAUGHT if we were to share with them our new feelings. I guess I’m just looking for something to help with the transition. I have lots more to share but I’ll leave it at that for now.
Now I just think that EVERYTHING IS A LIE! Thanks everyone
So, no divorce? Count your blessings, many here weren’t so lucky.
I really don’t know what to make of church leaders, but I think they select for self delusion. It’s all a crazy train.
You and your wife are falling down the rabbit hole. Don’t worry, you won’t crash. Your identity has just evaporated so you’re very disoriented. It’s normal. Give it time, it will get better.
Thankfully, no divorce. We’ve actually discussed how lucky we are to have come to this realization together.
You’re right about identity evaporating. Very abruptly, at that. Thanks for the encouragement. We are now in the interesting stage of wanting to ask to be released from our callings and sharing with our families how we feel. Seems like a big wall to get over.
I would like to suggest that in discussing the conclusions you have reached about churchco with your mormon friends and relatives that you NOT consider it a bargaining session.
While you may not yet know who the new you is, this is uniquely your journey. No one has the right, obviously, to interfere, but more importantly, you must not give anyone the power to interfere. And from reading here, you are likely to have one or two people work at interfering. Of course, they do it because it is 'for your own good.'
While most of our journeys out of mormonism share some commonalities, it's the first time for you and we'll be able to relate to much of your journey, but maybe not all of it.
But at least you know you have a cheering section rooting for you!
Great suggestion Olddog. I can only imagine how quickly friends and family will be to try and “save” us the second the words come out of our mouths. Honestly, it’s an exciting and scary thing. We feel like we are free from delusion with a lot of personal development ahead of us, but that comes with the baggage of leaving the church.
I am glad I found this board to relate to others. Much appreciated
Some married couples are not as fortunate to exit simultaneously. Quite a few have TBM spouses that are not open to analyzing the church.
It's probably a good idea to take it slow. There's no easy, pain-free exit.
It was awhile before I mustered up the courage to tell my parents that the Goops were no longer attending. They were hurt, but we continued on speaking terms. Many here have been cut-off by their families. A terrible consequence when leaving the church.
My condolences to those couples that went through a more difficult process. We may be the same way with waiting to tell parents. We live so far from them it’s easier to not share. However, we don’t want to feel like we are ashamed of our beliefs, or lack thereof.
Either way, I think just knowing that there are so many others out there that have gone through the same thing is helpful.
Exactly. Jesus is for people who can’t understand Jung. The fall could be considered a metaphor for the subject/object split that arose in our language. God/Jesus is a semantic workaround for that. You are the word made flesh. Jesus as a metaphorical Everyman is much more useful than divine monarch. Stop worshipping the Christ and be the Christ. I don’t know how that can be done with all of the Mormon head games. If you want Christlike, look at some of the things written on this board. Empathy is big here.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/06/2018 04:42PM by babyloncansuckit.
Congratulations on taking the right (not righteous) pill and coming out of the Motrix!
I'm in the Midwest and so my distance from Utah has helped. I hope you are likewise situated.
I have no advice. It is like discovering sex when you were young without much family help. You are suddenly awestruck by a discovery that your suspicions were true (people have sex, the church isn't true) and the freedom to explore this is overwhelming.
I took it slow but others I've read here didn't and that seemed to work for them.
We are all so different (with regards to sex and exmormonism) and that is a good thing!
lemonite Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Cheers Berry, > We too are in the Midwest right now and family is > back West.
I'm in the KC area if that is at all close.
> I do look forward to participating in discussions > though and feel like there’s a lot to learn..
You seem well spoken and so I look forward to reading you in your progress.
I'm out now closing in on 2 decades and I'm still learning about this life of mine from a post-Mormon context. I don't have the luxury of leaving with my family - they are believers. I'm a lone man in this wilderness. But I won't crawl back to the smack that Smith taught. I won't be a Mormon mark again.
Edit: love your handle. It amazes me how many really good ones there are. Mine was easy - the stupidity of making young men elders of a small tribe/ward.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/06/2018 04:34PM by Elder Berry.
So happy for both of you! The cult becomes more bizarre every day after the bell has been rung. You will (probably are already) shake your that you ever bought into it. It becomes so obviously a fraud as you get farther removed.
I laugh at myself constantly when I reflect on where I was and how naive I was. Use to be angry as I first was uncovering their lies. It was scary but liberating too. WHAT !!! No Satan??? I had no one to blame anymore and had to take full responsibility for my thoughts and actions. How refreshing and fun life became.
Do you have children and if you do, how is this affecting them?
SO true. Everything I read and learn about the church now just makes me realize more and more how absolutely absurd it is. Not to mention, most of that stuff was being taught to me every week or was right at my fingertips on LDS websites and resources. How could I be so ignorant? Hahaha
We still haven’t discovered our new “beliefs”, we just know they aren’t Mormon beliefs anymore.
We do have a 5 month old girl. We are so thankful that we have realized the truth about the church while she’s so young. Now she will not have to suffer from the deception.
Evolve new “beliefs” slowly, one at a time, independent of some pre-packaged organized “belief system”. Most of them are self serving to some “leaders” who have found a clever way to pad their pockets.....or their egos, or both. You know, you don’t have to “believe” anything if you deal with verifiable facts.
Welcome to your new life. Now you can depend on yourself. No one is looking over your shoulder all the time.
“You know, you don’t have to “believe” anything if you deal with verifiable facts.”
Well said. My response to a lot of questions and concerns now is “I don’t know.” Which is all anyone can say about the majority of things (religiously speaking). I also don’t want to pretend like I know something when I having absolutely no freaking idea.
It is definitely a new life already. Almost all of my decisions were based on something that had been fabricated. I’m relieved I can be my own person without any conditioned guilt for not being Peter Priesthood.
My takeaway from Mormonism is that if God is okay with you believing that, he’s okay with you believing anything. Nothing is off the table, so you are free to adopt beliefs that serve you.
"...done much more research only to realize we have been psychologically duped for the past 25 years"
Congrats on figuring it out as a couple. Good for you! It is both a painful and an exciting time when initially leaving the corporation. Your minds are now free to go where it wants. Study any history, philosophy, science etc. without having the Mormon filter. The world makes more sense. Ethics, compassion and civility (and more) are found in living an authentic life. We have all been duped. It is humbling.
I like your perspective on our process of learning. I feel like I just took of glasses that made me more and more blind as I wore them, but now that they’re off my vision is still blurry and will only improve with time. Hopefully that makes sense, haha.
Congrats! It's not easy to allow yourself to see behind the curtain.
My wife and I resigned about 6 years ago. Life has been so much better without the cult. You might consider resigning, no need to worry about any callings.
Your family might be distraught, but I think it's easy to build that up in your mind. For all you know, they may take it all in stride. Of course, you know your situation better than anyone. We chose not to tell people that we felt would come unglued. As far as they know we're just inactive. We don't bring it up and if they ask, we just tell them that our religious beliefs are personal and not up for discussion, then change the subject.
Our daughter (was 8 at the time we resigned) still tells us she's so glad not to have to deal with the Mormons.
Plus, there's always that 10% raise you get that's better spent on things you need.
So far, the hardest thing was actually facing the fact that the church is not true. The psychology courses I took in undergrad were actually beneficial in helping understand how I had been SO conditioned to believe and practice something so wrong...
We too want to avoid the conflict with family, primarily our parents. We just had our first kid and we can only imagine the worry and strife our parents would experience thinking that we wouldn’t be an “eternal family”...
I don’t blame your daughter..my teens were when the church had the biggest influence on my life (not for the better).
The 10% raise will also be nice. I could use some new tools ;)
I should of added earlier - take a year or two off religion. Do not worry about what to believe now. Spend time with your family, read and explore. It is best to approach any new beliefs, if any, with a clearer mind.
Very much agreed. One good thing we took from the LDS culture is the importance of family. We are taking things a step at a time and will never be part of an organized religion in the future.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/06/2018 04:32PM by lemonite.
The conditioning begins very early, including being taught to bow your head and fold your arms to pray to a god. It's quite insidious. Even though our teen left at 8, I can still see some of the programming comes through occasionally. Even so, she is pretty much a free thinker now.
I understand the issues with family. It can be scary to think they would choose the cult over you, but, having been in it, you know that's very possible. You will have to find your way to deal with it sooner or later, especially when it come to baptism. Your parents/family are also very likely to attempt to indoctrinate your child against your wishes.
Just keep in mind, though, it truly is worth it to not spend the rest of your life in a cult.
Sadly, that’s exactly how the church likes it. I have to consciously think about not doing so many things the church conditioned me to do (even praying for meals!). Speaking of, I’m SO glad I asked for all the pizza, burgers, and crap food I’ve eaten in the past to be blessed and nutritious for my body....ha!
As for family and baptism, I’d like to think that in 7 years our families will be accepting of our change and not engage in forcing doctrine on our daughter, but I don’t think that will be the case.
P.S. Not possible. If you don’t need new tools, are even living?
P.P.S. I got home yesterday from classes and my wife says, “I have a surprise for you!” Then proceeded to gift me multiple packs of new boxer briefs!
Love to hear of couples getting out together. That is the best.
What the rest of the family thinks pales in comparison to that. Look at it as an adventure as they begin to find out. You are going to get some good stories out of it. A lot of it will be at least amusing if not hilarious later.
This is a great place to hear all kinds of experiences and vent or sympathize. It does help. We've all buried more than we know I think and it's good to get it all out. You can talk something to death sometimes. Not everything, but some.
We really did get lucky and it makes the process easier. Power to those who didn’t have it the same way.
Well, as a matter of fact, we have some interesting stories already that I may share in the near future. Yet, I know there will be many more interesting things to come.
I have spent a lot of the day reading discussions on RfM. Some very helpful and entertaining. I’ll have lots to share as we go throughout this process as well. Getting it out will be of help
Funny how we worry about family’s reaction. Which means we think they will only love us under certain conditions. We want fake love just like fake religions.
As others said, tell them as little as possible. None of their business. Just exercising free agency. To deny that is Satan’s plan.
Move on, don’t respond to any manipulation or drama.
Having said this, we’ve been out over 20 years and have had very few discussions with family. Don’t think they really want to know.
Thanks Free man, I’ve got a lot to learn about reality.
Anything that makes us comfy and cozy in Our mysterious existence, right?
It makes me feel sick to think about the opinions I formed about individuals who left the church while I was practicing.
Whether you still hold the belief of no agency as Satan’s plan or are facetiously using Mormon beliefs as a reason to avoid dispute, I like it. Thanks for the reply
I recommend seeing a 'non-lds' counselor immediately for the transition. Some counselors have experience with people coming out of a cult which helps. Things will be difficult for at least a couple years since you were born in it. The brain needs time to heal and deprogram. I have been seeing counselors for two years straight. It does help.
Others will shake out as they see fit. Some might stick with you and others might not. As a strong and very smart exmo, you'll need to deal with these defections as you see fit. There's no way to control what others will do. You can only determine how you'll react.
You don't owe anyone explanations. You're an adult and you have every right to participate in any church or not. Sadly, many mormons don't understand the idea of personal freedom or freedom of religion. That's their problem. Don't try to argue with them. Hopefully, some of them will come around in time.
Cheryl Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Sadly, many mormons don't > understand the idea of personal freedom or freedom > of religion.
More sad is how LDS leadership has taken up the religious freedom cause like they were Moroni with a standard of liberty yet their cult is so hard on defectors.
How lovely that you are exiting together with your wife! The key thing to remember is that you don't owe anyone an explanation for why you are leaving. You don't have to justify it in any way whatsoever. Your relatives may want to know your reasons and then will argue every point with you ad nauseum. You don't have to do that. Set boundaries with them.
When you are ready, keep it simple: We no longer believe the truth claims of the church. Or, we have made a decision as a family that this church is not right for us. Or whatever you want to say. But then tell your family and friends that you don't want to discuss it any further. Shut them down.
Your wife's sister and her husband may have some good advice for you.
Welcome to the board! We are glad to have you here.
Nice that you two are in agreement. Not the case with me. This is when you can work together and figure out a World View that makes sense to both of you. Might not be the same. My view is to stay very quiet about your choice to leave the LDS Church. It's a personal matter, no need to discuss it with people who will do everything they can to make your life miserable. And, they are good at doing that. Welcome to your 24/7 support team.
I second the advice to take things nice and easy, enjoy your newfound Sundays and money, and give yourself kudos for daring to do what the MormonCult tells you not to do.....think for yourself!
Congratulations. I was able to get out at age 32, and mostly due to my younger brother's example. I had just given my first son a baby blessing in church (my whole family was there), and I decided that this was the last thing I was going to do for my parents. I never returned to that building (my son is in high school now). I did my formal resignation after finding this website.
I feel completely free to be whoever I want to be... and I suspect that this is common sense to anyone who has not grown up Mormon/Muslim/Hindu.