Here was a guy married more than 40 years to the same woman. With a bunch of children. And yet tonight I am reading his obit and scratching my head. For example, they didn't know where he was born so wrote somewhere else instead. They didn't even get his birth order right. If you're going to list birth order how could they get that wrong unless they're so feckless they just don't care? He was the oldest child. They put second oldest.

To go a lifetime without really knowing their own father and husband? I just find that all very disturbing.

The important thing is did they get YOUR name right?

No, they didn't. Why am I not surprised?

AJ. So sorry to read of your brother's sudden passing. Glad you could go to the funeral altho it won't be easy.

Yes it's amazing what goes on in families. And what even close relatives don't know about each other.

It can feel lonely.

I was close to my dad who became ill and passed away in just a few days. At his funeral his best friend told Dad's life story in great detail. Except for the part where Dad got married and had five children. All righty then. Expunged from our own father's funeral. It hurt. Weird.

Funerals. Who'd have 'em?

I hope you can relax a bit and take it as is and go with the flow. Otherwise these things can be very upsetting over and above the obvious.

I can relate, Amyjo--I had a similar experience and it was like suddenly being on the inside of the "Twilight Zone."

At some point after my biological father died (he was the brother of the father who raised me), I wanted to see his Death Certificate because he and I never had any contact after I was about a year old. He had died, and I realized that (in those pre-9/11 days) I could go to where the county records were kept and see a copy of his Death Certificate.

It was a surreal experience because, with most of the entries, the information provided was garbled (when compared to the real life facts), or else it was totally missing.

Neither one of the names of his parents (my grandparents) were correct.

Their birthplaces were kind-of-in-the-larger-geographical-area, but not really: "North Dakota" instead of South Dakota and "South Dakota" instead of Minnesota.

Their birthdates were garbled (and off by a number of years), their death dates were wildly incorrect, and causes of death for both of them were obviously invented on the spot because they had nothing to do with why either one of them died.

I copied down my [biological] father's data, but even with this information being [presumably] given by his widow, HIS BIRTHPLACE WAS WRONG! (My question: How can you be married to someone for more than fifty years AND NOT KNOW WHERE THAT PERSON WAS BORN?)

A VERY strange experience for me.

I empathize with your similar experience with your brother.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/08/2018 12:02AM by Tevai.

My wife of 20 plus years couldn't tell you the city listed on my birth certificate. She could say the metro area.

But that detail is completely irrelevant to my identity or our relationship. Mere government minutia and genealogist dross.

I find it rather unsurprising that these details were never discussed.

I could rattle off the birth places of my immediate family in a heartbeat. Some people may just be more detail oriented than others. But his wife was lackadaisical in every aspect of life. Whether the omissions were intentional or oversights, it shows a lack of genuine interest and caring to me.

And in fact, sloppiness on someone's part.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/08/2018 12:36AM by Amyjo.

From what you say, she sounds like a bad person. It seems like it would be best if you two had little or no interaction if possible.

Really, what good could come of it?

That's the way things have been with our family since the day she married my bro. I'm going to funeral to say my farewell to my bro one last time. He died too soon for any comfort.

Death is a lousy tradition.

Are you reading the obit online? Is it the kind where people can leave comments and condolences?

If so, enter your own comments and make the corrections.

Is the funeral tomorrow?

Are any of your other siblings there with you?

Amyjo, I hope you can get through the next few days surrounded by our love and prayers for strength for you. I’m sorry you must experience this enormous pain. Tell when you are on your way home.

Remember what Fritz Perls said, “The way out is through.”



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/08/2018 02:27AM by kathleen.

Thanks for the suggestions, Kathleen. I did make gentle corrections in the guest book, which are pending at the moment.

I'm staying with a cousin. My siblings will be present with their families. My cousin's husband passed away the week before my brother did. It's never a good time when these things happen.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/08/2018 11:10AM by Amyjo.

Oh, yes.

It must be difficult being in Utah, and having to deal with your grief, and all the Mormons. If you can, you need to drive up into the mountains, or to Liberty Park, or somewhere, to reconnect with your own sanity.

Your SIL might be negligent, or sloppy, or maybe too upset to think clearly. This sounds harsh, but RFM helped me deal with the Mormons in my family, by helping me to realize that most of them are "batshit crazy". After you've been out of the cult for a while, you realize that most rational people don't think or act like Mormons, at all. Most people have RESPECT for each other, as human beings. It matters where a person is born, and how many children they had, and where they lived and worked, and other details. Most Mormon obituaries are lists. Lists accounting for all their years at various church callings, lists of surviving family members (I'm sure your SIL's name was correct) and whether they went on a mission or to BYU. Often, a person's occupation and places of employment are omitted.

Anyway, Utahns and Mormons are what they are, and just relax and accept that. Kathleen has good advice. Just plow through, then head for home.

You might feel better, by using this as a cautionary tale, and writing your OWN obituary, when you get home. That's the only way to make sure everything is correct. I also made specific instructions about what kind of funeral I want (no funeral, just a graveside service, and a wake with just the family, and no Mormon sermons or prayers, etc, and I also have pre-paid everything).

You can look on the bright side. My brother's family were too cheap to have an obituary. No obituary at all, anywhere, except e-mailed (for free) to certain Mormon friends and relatives. A lot of relatives, even, didn't even know my brother had died, and I had to tell them, myself, and see their shock, and hurt that they had missed his funeral, which was agonizing. I had trusted his family, when they said they were "taking care of everything." If you have another sibling, you could offer to take care of the obituary, yourself.

Thanks for those tips, exminion. It is a good idea to take care of things while I still can.

As for your siblings cheap family, there is no excuse for thoughtlessness on behalf of a loved one. They sound selfish and self-centered.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/08/2018 11:14AM by Amyjo.