Done & Done
Date: October 11, 2018 10:06AM
A self centered rumination from a freed BIC as a sincere thank you to Eric K. and to Susan I/S because I think some lurkers may like it, just may be helped. Maybe:
After realizing the Mormon church was a lie, I once described the feeling that washed over me as surfacing after a cliff dive. Blinding sun, the fresh salted air on the nose, big deep breath rushing into lungs that hadn't exhaled for so long, suddenly gasping at clear blue sky.
Reading RFM over the years I have not seen that reaction from everyone. In fact so many seem to have had a different reaction--despair, confusion, anger, and mostly the daunting cloudy question, "What on earth do I do now?" More like surfacing from the city dump than the cliffs of Acapulco?
For me it was quite easy to move on because I had longed desperately to be part of the world for most of my life. I wanted to be *of* the world--Not just in it. I hit the ground running. I suddenly had no reason anymore to not indulge. The truth had set me free--as promised in that old adage.
I had no way to understand why so many other apostates weren't jubilant. I could see the complications with family, especially a believing spouse, but still, why not be thrilled? Why not plunge in? Sing a little song. Do a little dance?
I read a line last night from a story called "A Shower of Gold" by Donald Barthelme. It goes, "How can you be alienated without first having been connected?" The line cut me like a "knife wrapped in velvet"--as some anon said.
Us. ExMormons. Alienated from the the Mormon's church, the Mormon family, Mormon friends, Mormon mores. Mormon food. Mormon mormon mormon. Mormon superiority. Mormon arrogance. Mormon need for persecution as validation. That is what we were connected to. That is what had set up shop in our selves.
This Mormonism--it that our foundation even now that we are unchained? How do you build on that? What kind of taffy pulled paddy caked tools are those to build with?
So, back to me. I thought I had it all figured out. Just charge into the world and experience . . . everything! Didn't work so well. I didn't understand normal friendship. I had trouble not judging. I had trouble letting anyone see what I really was, had to keep the front up even if I had taken down the Mormon marquee.
Took years to connect to what I should have been connected to in the first place--anything but Mormonism. Took years to see the problem was the "lack of" caused by Mormon upbringing. Took years to see where I had been robbed and what I needed to replace and no insurance to help out. I had disconnected from Mormonism but it still had me somehow for a while longer.
I had not in fact been freed all those years ago. I had tamped it down instead. Buried it. Shoved it so far to the back of the cerebrum that it may as well have been circling Mars.
Finally, I allowed the vault to swing open when I found RFM. I sat many nights crying as I read. Shocked at myself. The pain finally tunneled to the top as well and took it's first breath in the sunlight those years ago. My Mormon life was dusted off and put back in a new order that finally made sense.
Thank You Eric. Thank you everyone.
(Edited for slight spelling - approved by OP)
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/11/2018 05:03PM by Maude.