There once were some mormons in the ward That had circle jerks whenever they were bored When caught by the bishop Who advised not too whip it Or Packer will appear with a sword.
But when I started reading it, it made perfect sense that mormons were having ward circle jerks... They don't end! Meeting after jerky meeting!
So then when I read on that the bishop 'caught' them, it was momentarily confusing, because it's the bishop who supervises all the mormon circle jerking!
I finally caught on that they were actually masturbating! quelle surprise!
I just wanted to get that in before Ziller or Boner did. It was just straight up crude. You were a lot more philosophical in thought when reading it, than I did writing it.
There once was a Mormon named Boyd, who named his favorite tool “Floyd—“ Then with some lube, And a Playboy or two, Boyd would toy and coy with old Floyd.
StillAnon Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > There once were some mormons in the ward > That had circle jerks whenever they were bored > When caught by the bishop > Who advised not too whip it > Or Packer will appear with a sword.
When caught with the maid in the hay Ol' Joey knew just what to say "Though I know it seems odd I'm commanded by God It's marriage the new Mormon way."
Edited to make a fix that is less significant than any of the thousands of "minor corrections" to the BoM.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/18/2018 04:56PM by CrispingPin.
I used to be one who believed it I'm now one of those who have grieved it Once the internet came Proved the gospel so lame RFM taught I no longer need it
There was a young fellow from upstate, others' literature he proceeded to pirate, With bible fan-fiction, and King James-ian diction, he bamboozled his way to the pul-pate.
There once was a Mormon who could suck it With corsets he made from a bucket He was a wonder as Pattirini And a wonder with his weeny Because he knew just how to tuck it
The members were proud to be mormon But the prophet said the name needs reformin' It's not our real name You should all be ashamed And he left the pulpit a stormin'
There once was a woman named Taylor Who was told the mormon temple would save her But the veil fell from her eyes And she said with surprise This is just Masonry with a different flavor
There once was a forger and killer Who sold them a mormon pillar To the naysayers It wasn't their concernment Because the Apostles had discernment But they let Hofmann into the vault And when all the dust cleared Hinckley said it wasn't his fault
Old Russ dreamed him some dreams He has no solutions for strife and trouble it seems Instead Russ' message for the true believer: "Mormon" is a victory for the master deceiver
There once was a laddie called Markey, Who could churn out tons of malarkey. Till investors got wise, And jerked his disguise, Which landed Mark down in the pokey.
Once Ol' Joe went down to a thicket And asked God to save him from crickets He had written a book But was really a crook So all of us told him to stick it
There once was a mormon seer named Rusty Who remarried a gal he thought tres lusty She came with some fame She'd gained with a dame, But her VJ turned out to be dusty.
I feel dirty... but in an acceptable RfM sort of way...
I was remiss in not giving credit for that wonderful word to Edward Lear, the guy who showed us how to do limericks, I do believe. He loved to make up words. I love to use his made-up words.
There are fans of sex in mormon heaven Men have wives in multiples of seven They don't have to know names They just have to stake claims And so women's fates are thus weaven
Leave the room for an hour and next thing you know, the kids are in the cookie jar, the dog is chasing the cat, and EOD is neologizing like a Sagan fan.
Heaven forfend!
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/19/2018 02:34AM by Lot's Wife.
to enjoy the cleverness of your response, Lot's Wife. Neologize fits this thread perfectly.
Definition: neologize. [nee-ol-uh-jahyz] to make or use new words or create new meanings for existing words. to devise or accept new religious doctrines.
The current Mormon prophet could be new-named Russell Neologizeson for the way he's trying to change things in SLC.
Long, long ago the Economist described an American political leader who was known for off-key neologisms as "that infamous verber of nouns." It was such a funny observation that I've never been able to forget it.
As I ponderize the question, it appears that Mormonism presents an incessant flow of such annoying misuses of language. It's almost enough to justify starting a satirical website!
There once was a Mormon named Emma Who was caught on horns of a dilemma. She was tired of Ol' Joe, And he needed to go. The mob said to her, "No problema!"
-- with thanks to Lot's Wife
Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 10/19/2018 07:01PM by scmd1.
A nasty old fellow named Oaks Didn't like other men loving blokes, So he stood at the pulpit And blasted them for it But old Oaks and his church are a hoax.
There was an old codger call Joe Who had forty-odd wives on the go, He bemoaned his small todger, Said,'Why should I bother?' For no man can please Eliza Snow.
A mighty fortress, so they say Withstands the storms of time. But now the cult is withering away, Because the Internet is here to stay. They can take Mormon out of their name. But it doesn't mean things will be the same. The price of freedom was never meant to be so high, as the shipwreck lays on the ruins of time.
There once was a church named Mormon That took more than it gave from its quorum. Until the day they got wiser, and split like a banana There was no lookin back except for the cryin.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/19/2018 09:36AM by Amyjo.
There once was a hill named Cumorah, From whence cameth a guy named Moroni. It was really a ruse, from which Joseph concocted to make disciples from those he bamboozled.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/19/2018 09:34AM by Amyjo.
Russ stood at the pulpit a shakin' Was this a mistake he was makin'? The word 'Mormon' was bad, Was *this* all he had? All the good revelations had been taken!
Joseph's Myth is all about sex And for the "prophet" it's all about checks But people find out And they leave with a shout Because it turns thier lives into wrecks
Mormons baptized over a million, But the list has over a billion. To baptize the dead You must soak your head, But they repeat many names just to fill in!
The Mormon Regime is so wacky Their doctrine will make you unhappy Their Egyptian’s reformed Their shoulders are porn And the garments they wear are so tacky
There once was a Mormon named Sheri Who struggled to pop her own cherry. Wendy said to Ms. Dew, "Just take Russell and screw!" But she only liked men who were hairy.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/19/2018 07:56PM by scmd1.
There was a young man named Joe, Who first to the Methodists did go. When they threw him out, He said with a shout: "I'll start my own church, anyhow!"
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/20/2018 04:06PM by matt.
Nelson, afraid of the taint Tried a brand change to Latter-day Saint No thinking was done Nelson thought he had won But the exmos, said, Naw man - you ain't
anonculus Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > How about a team effort? > > There was a young Mormon from Hooper... who finally met ghawd in the pooper...
There was a young Mormon from Hooper Who finally met God in the pooper. Peering deep in the bowl, It looked back at his soul, And his bosom felt super-dee-dooper.
Joe told the ladies it was the word of god That they should anoint his iron rod Now Mormons praise his name And claim his great fame But really he was a lecherous fraud.
Oh, an official entry thread? Guess I'd better post this again:
There once was a Mormon persona Quite desperate to grow his fides-bona. So he called on his deity With superlative fealty, But all he got back was sarcoma.
And, because I got in late on this thread, here are some extras:
There once was a prophet of some zeal Who fancied he had widespread appeal. "Thus saith the Lord: YOU'RE MORMON NO MORE!" He cried with an asinine squeal.
Hark! Angel choirs near are winging! Alas, no--just Mormons singing. They plow like a van Through "Praise to the Man," like hundreds of turkeys, necks wringing.
In the very beginning was Adam, Then God caved and made him a madam. But along came young Smith, Said he'd take her forthwith, "'Cause THE LORD said I'm welcome to have'em!"
Brigham Young the Mormon Moses With fifty-five wives and halitosis Prophet, Seer, mishie, prig Danite, Lion, Apostle, plyg He and Joe have come up bogus
Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 10/21/2018 07:51PM by Nightingale.
There once was a prophet named Tommy Who died and went home to his mommy. His old pal Doc Russ, Bile-filled and nonplussed, Lost no time in branding him 'commie.'
The Mormon--er, LDS church Got itself in a bit of a lurch. God done changed his mind, Which would suit them just fine, Except now they don't show up in search[].
There was an old asshole named Bednar Quite keen on his leverage's spread-nar. Thought he, I'll speak truth To this great church's youth! But his antics just filled them with dread-nar.
There was a young lad of the priesthood Who thought man's true nature was beasthood. "We're warriors for God!" He proclaimed to his squad, Without knowing his manhood was leasthood.
Old Gordon B. almost got caught, that, By something his pal Larry thought, that. "You say that your God once trod mortal sod?" I don't know that we ever taught that.
Prophet Nelson preaches Mormon Jesus Touting unique Mormon exigesis RM Joe and Molly Mo Pay the tithe. Eight kids to grow. While bumptious GAs get rich as Croesus
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/21/2018 07:51PM by Nightingale.
Joseph asked God for a revelation GAs boiled it down to correlation Now Latter Day Saints thirst Pay honest tithing first Awaiting hydration from Mormon Nation
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/21/2018 07:51PM by Nightingale.
The Mormon choir is quite melodious The chapel bathroom is malodorous Singers, cleaners, we’re the same All part of the Mormon game Our constrained lives so inharmonious
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/21/2018 07:50PM by Nightingale.
I'm going to suggest that RfM establish a new forum for limericks since that is where roughly 40% of the effort and interest are clearly going. It could be entitled "Beth Rulz."
The Q12 is anointed to lead us To control our hair, our shirts, our penis Making our own decisions Is met with great derision This is the way God wants to redeem us?
It's the horrible hard wooden seating The bishop who's droning and bleating The self-righteous lying The "let's-pretend"crying Oh howI hate testim'ny meeting.
Yu tell me "Oh,please,stop your grumble You really should try to be humble" But the worst of the day In every way Is the noise of an empty tum's rumble.