THE GAMBLERS

One nice spring day in March the three top leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints were in a stuffy conference room. It seems their wives got together and had been heckling the men over a serious problem. The single sisters of the church, who all sat together every Sunday, had a meeting of minds and decided since the so called church believed that single, divorced, or widowed women would be married in the afterlife, they would choose one of the First Presidency (top three men who run the church) as husbands now and put dibbs on the men for the afterlife. Needless to say the wives of the three men were in an uproar. They did not want to be attached to those women.

“We need to come up with a solution” the prophet said. “The wifey won’t even cook my favorite foods. All I get is beans and funeral taters, she’s trying to tell me something.”

“Same here,” said the first counselor. “I have to keep sneaking off to McDonalds; I’m afraid she’s poisoning me.”

“Ditto at my house, and besides I don’t want to be paired up with one of them. I want some teenage thing. What oh what are we going to do?” Said the second counselor. “The Catholic church gives nuns a gold band to be married to Jesus, we could give them a cubic zirconia ring and tell them they are going to be married to Jesus” he continued.

“No, No, No “said the prophet. “It will cost too much, those sisters do not tithe enough”

The second counselor spouted off, “I’ve got it, and we can invite a priest and a scientologist to a poker game. We can have someone mount special cameras and project all the hands using special glasses that we only have. Since we know all the cards we will win. Loser takes the freeloading sisters. Problem solved. They all agreed.

The week after careful testing of the projectors and glasses, the three leaders welcomed the priest and scientologist. But the scientologist brought an alien with him. “Hope it is ok I brought a friend, we were in negotiations and didn’t want to split up, “the scientologist said.
“No problem, the more the merrier.” The prophet replied, “Let’s get on with the game.”

An hour later the priest and scientologist were out of the game due to losses. The prophet could not figure out how the alien was winning. One more hand and the prophet was out and the alien wins. Sure enough the alien pulled a royal flush to the prophet’s three aces. The alien was the victor after using mind control to win.

The alien sent the priest and scientologist on their way and glared at the three men of the church. I am from the outpost Kolob in space. I was offering the scientologist the chance to own property or a moon there but he declined. Only humans with high ranking in religion are illegible to own real estate there. Are you three interested?

After strange looks and mumbling between the three went on, the prophet said,” Yes we would be interested, what do we have to do?”

The alien said “I happen to have three open seats on our next shuttle to Kolob. The flight leaves tomorrow. But since you three control your church, in exchange for the cost of flights and real estate closing costs the three of you need to name me the prophet ad litem until your return. The church cannot be without a leader. As soon as you return you get your jobs back.” More stares and mumbling occurred.

The three leaders in unison said, “It is a deal. Where does the flight take off?” The time and location was set and the next day the three leaders left earth for Kolob.

The church members were notified that the alien could be trusted and was their new leader. Since the brainwashed
followers were like lemmings, they were ok with it.

The church conference proceeded that first weekend of April. The three leaders were still in Kolob cleaning toilets. The alien announced that since the church was really a corporation owned by the top leader (and since he was the top leader), he was taking all the money, assets, buildings, and malls into his personal accounts. The congregations would have to find somewhere else to go since the buildings now belonged to the alien.

The Church of Latter Day Saints dissolved in one day, and even a lawsuit gave no comfort. It was a corporation set up to one person. The three leaders are rumored to still cleaning toilets on Kolob.

I, Wondering, give full permission and rights to this story to use as they wish from this time forward.

Soooo.... It always has been about the money, for the guys.

This is the funniest sci fi I've read to date, and love it.

With happy ending and all!