Before I joined the mormon church. I felt okay reading about any church, attending any church, discussing certain topics. I could explore the bible, come to my own conclusions. If a church made me feel uncomfortable, or they pushed an idea that didn't feel right. I'd just move on.

I wasn't exactly hopping around a lot either. I went to a new church every year in my teenage years up until 16 and then stayed at a church where I felt comfortable for 3 years before my conversion to the LDS church.

I think I joined because I didn't buy into the whole, "everyone is going to hell that doesn't know about Jesus" thing. It just seemed too harsh. I couldn't believe that an all powerful being would just send people to hell for a misunderstanding, etc.

So, there I was in the mormon church trying my best to learn to wear dresses and skirts and the importance of not having two earrings in one ear. ( and other little rules times a hundred).

But, now I can't leave. I married a mormon. Got pregnant. Had kids, built a life. And he is VERY VERY TBM. Any criticism I'd say about the church, got met with a severe fight. He made it clear early on what was most important. It was the church.

I learned my lesson and just kept my head down.

Now, when I look into other religions, exploring like I use to. It feels like infidelity. I can't just go and visit my friend's church service. Thats like a quickie. I can't discuss the wrong topics, or worst of all come to the wrong conclusions.

I just keep on and keep quiet.

Getting out takes time, effort and a willingness to pay a price. Is leaving worth it? Only you can say.

Oh how I feel bad for you.

Please remember though that questioning your religion or attending other churches is not infidelity. Your spouse may equate it to the same sort of damning behavior, but it is he who needs a reality check.

Ask yourself if you feel abused or overly controlled by him? Will your marriage be over if you were to take a hiatus from church activities? Do you really want to raise your children this way, ie, inside a cult? If you were to leave you could be risking your relationship with them all.

If you're in an abusive marriage, staying shouldn't be an option. You need to find a way out to save yourself, your sanity, your children. If it's not what you'd consider abuse and you aren't able to leave, what is holding you there? Your children? Love?

Please don't be a doormat for the sake of keeping your husband happy. You're entitled to your own joy and inner peace. This is a free country to believe as you wish. Someone forgot to teach your husband that your right is as inalienable as his.

Mormonism can't allow its members asking hard questions. Nor does it have answers for them. As a teenager I had a bishop who was a scientist. He actively encouraged his own children and the young members of the ward to visit other churches and denominations. He was so sure of TSCC that in his mind the youth would come right back once they did visit elsewhere. At least he can be credited with giving people that outlet to search for themselves.

Truth be told, you, me, or anyone else don't need permission to go to various denominations. It's your right and your privilege to do so.

Another 'option' for you, if viable, is to stop attending TSCC altogether. Tell your husband you need a time-out as you're soul searching. See how he responds to that as you won't be going elsewhere. You simply need space and a time-out from Mormon meetings & activities.

What a breath of fresh air! Thank you for the simplicity and clarity of your heart!

Well said.

^^^^^ If only there were a like or love button!

This forum is a good start, and there's so much on the internet. Be sure to check out the "Letters" (stickies, above). An increase in knowledge and wisdom is going to frustrate you, as the dichotomy between fact-based reality and LDS increase, but it will also be empowering.

Also, start reading good orthodox Christian material, so you have something of a spiritual foundation of your own. Consider looking for an ex-LDS or Christian women's Bible study. There's plenty of material at Utah Lighthouse Ministry (both historical and apologetical). I also recommend the ESV Study Bible for your personal use--excellent notes, diagrams, charts and maps.

I recommend this for your own emotional and spiritual well-being. But the time may come when DH starts something rotten in Denmark. When/If that day comes, you will have answers.

The tone of your post makes me wonder if you are a victim of abuse. You seem to feel like you have no control over your life. Not all abuse is physical. You have a right to be you.

I’m sorry for what you are going through and hope that you can find peace and a sense of freedom.

The church does not speak for Jesus. Jesus speaks for Jesus, and he says several times “those who aren’t against us are with us”.

If your marriage is typical TBM, he’s married to the church first and you second. Which is strange because how many diapers has the church changed?

“And he is VERY VERY TBM. Any criticism I'd say about the church, got met with a severe fight.”

Well, that kind of immaturity is very TBM. It’s exactly why you don’t want your kids raised in the church. Their emotional growth could be stunted too.

You can tell him he doesn’t get to fight nasty and then tell you how to worship God. Maybe after he fishes his Priesthood out of the toilet, you can have a sensible discussion.

Since you’re hip to the entire scam, such as the BoA and BoM being made up, you can avoid being blindsided. You can still be Mormon, you just have to be creative about it. When I left the church, I told myself I couldn’t in good conscience pretend. But you know what? For my family I can pretend my ass off. Because those are small things.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/04/2018 01:37AM by babyloncansuckit.

Hi friend, it's been a while since I've been on this site but I'm so glad I got on today and read your post.
My heart really goes out to you. First and foremost, I want to just say that everything will work out okay, so hang in there.
I highly relate to your situation. I know how it is to try to say anything at all "against" the LDS church and have that reaction: "He made it clear early on what was most important. It was the church."
I found out the church was false back in January, told my husband and was met with huge and really bad fights/aggression/robotic assertions that the only thing that matters to him is the church. So, he divorced me shortly after (also very very TBM). It was terrible.

But, today I can say I'm happy! I know I have a bright future ahead where I don't have to hide the fact that the Mormon church is totally bogus and I can speak openly. I realized, for me, it's much much much better to be able to be free. It took a long time. It's up to you to decide whether you want to live the other 30...40...50 years of your life living feeling trapped. Not being able to discuss other religions/philosophies/churches with your own husband.

I can tell you strongly that life should not be lived fearing openly criticizing a church. Especially to your own husband. Honestly, I wish there was some kind of quick fix to help you. But, as an ultra-TBM, he is highly indoctrinated and you'll likely be met with the same reactions you're getting..."forever".

If anything, I have a couple friends who came out about not beliving the church, and remained married (more or less) happily or neutrally to their spouse. It takes tons and tons of patience, gentle questioning of his ideals, and very very subtle remarks (if you choose to try to help him see your perspective).

I think your first step is figuring out how you want to live your life...Do you want to determine to voice your concerns or are you willing to live in relative silence and fear?

P.S.
My ex-husb threw many comments my way that seriously jarred me as I was totally unprepared for them, had no idea what I was doing, didn't have my own non-Morm support system in Utah, and because I actually believed them for a long time.
He said things like "You're really going downhill because of this." "I just can't raise my kids with someone like you in my house." (someone like a non-Mormon Christian) "You used to be worth so much." "Your life is going to be so hard without the church." "Well, you're pretty attractive so some other guy would probably get with you." (implying no worth) "You'll never truly be happy again."

Yes, he really said those things and much more. He really truly believed I became worthless and dangerous to be around simply because I didn't believe the church was true and wanted to be a born-again Christian.

Not sure if your spouse has thrown any of those out. It seems to be typical conditioned responses that Mormons throw out to ex-Morms.
So, be prepared for those and know they are not true.
Keep building yourself up! Research and learn to have responses if he says other things.

P.S. My ex-husb threw many comments my way that seriously jarred me as I was totally unprepared for them, had no idea what I was doing, didn't have my own non-Morm support system in Utah, and because I actually believed them for a long time.
He said things like "You're really going downhill because of this." "I just can't raise my kids with someone like you in my house." (someone like a non-Mormon Christian) "You used to be worth so much." "Your life is going to be so hard without the church." "Well, you're pretty attractive so some other guy would probably get with you." (implying no worth) "You'll never truly be happy again."

Yes, he really said those things and much more. He really truly believed I became worthless and dangerous to be around simply because I didn't believe the church was true and wanted to be a born-again Christian.

Not sure if your spouse has thrown any of those out. It seems to be typical conditioned responses that Mormons throw out to ex-Morms.
So, be prepared for those and know they are not true.
Keep building yourself up! Research and learn to have responses if he says other things.

convincing a lifetime TBM spouse that it's okay to question things. The lifetime TBM will be inclined to dismiss anything the convert says because, well, in the lifetime TBM's eyes, the convert spouse "is relatively new to the Gospel and still does not understand it as deeply" as the lifetime TBM. As a convert, you're always a "rookie" in the eyes of the lifetime TBMs.

What to do? It's a hard call if most things in the family/spousal relationship are good and it's the religious question that is the main source of conflict. I wouldn't recommend splitting up a family if, with time, an acceptable live-and-let-live or agree-to-disagree situation can be developed on the topic of the LDS faith.

I knew several couples who were like that. They were, for the most part, quite happily married. I had an uncle who married a non-member. At first, he thought she was going to convert. I think she thought so too. They got married overseas long ago at a time when temples were remote and hard to get to. So my uncle didn't feel any pressure to get her baptized first and then get married. At that time, it was not unusual at all for people to get married outside the temple with the idea that eventually they would make the pilgrimage to a temple to make things "eternal."

Well, when she got around to examining Mormonism, she soon realized that this was not her Daddy's church, so to speak. She put her foot down and said ixnay on the aptismbay. From what I heard from relatives, they fought about it off and on for a few years at first, but for the most part they were otherwise busy raising two great kids (my cousins) and stayed together to the end. My aunt was a smart, organized person and worked together really well with my uncle on all of their real-world projects, with the result that they were quite successful with a number of small businesses.

Every couple is different though, so...

When I left the church everything -wife family- went with it.

When I remarried I found Real love and I would follow her to hell -yes even rotten church- to be with her.

If you LOVE him and he absolutely loves you Don't lose it.

Anything in between tell the bastard to Piss Off because your life is worth so much more.

I'm sorry. Those are not compromises that I personally could live with. But I have been single my entire life and am too old and ornery to put up with someone that controlling.

I don't know how old your children are, but I wonder how your husband would handle a child or grandchild who wanted to leave the church, or who came out as LBGTQ.

Depending on your age, you might consider taking classes in order to gain good skills to support yourself if it ever comes down to it. You could tell your husband that you are preparing in the event that you become an early widow. That will give him something to chew on.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/04/2018 08:11AM by summer.

His being brainwashed or the argument being about religion doesn’t make it any less so.

Unfortunately, you’re in an organization that’s also abusive and will support him in his emotional abuse of you.

This thread has quite a few good suggestions for how to deal; I just wanted to make sure you know the behavior is not OK.

Unfortunately, mormonism is a great place for men to believe they are "gods in embryo", and your husband "...made it clear early on what was most important. It was the church." Not Jesus and His teachings--no, no, no...in the temple you consecrate everything to the Corporation of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Just because the LDS Church™ is large and respectable doesn't mean that it's not a cult.

I can't give you any really great advice, but once you realize that TSCC is a totally made-up and plagarized religion you will have your integrity.

can you just say you don't want to go to the Mormon church, maybe you could say you just want to go to another Christian church, would he be mad?

Ya know, there are a lot of things that happen in life where we just have to keep on and keep quiet. We do it because we have weighed the odds of the alternative and as best as we can see it at the time, the status quo seems the best way to go.

You are not alone. We all know people who have been in your situation and many people here were also or currently are. It's hard for converts, especially when they marry TBMs. TSCC is perpetuated by those who were indoctrinated from birth. Converts help make up the numbers, and a very few of them make it into high leadership positions. But their biggest contribution is when they give birth to more who will be indoctrinated from Day 1. The majority of converts are long gone before that ever happens, but it's worth it to TSCC to plug away with that missionary program to snag the ones who will start a new chain.

There is support here and I hope no one tells you there's something wrong with you if you don't jump ship. There's not. Only you can figure out what's best for you and your family and I really admire you for trying to do that. Good luck navigating those waters and come here when you need a save shore to dock at for awhile.