Three-Fisted Exmo Tales ~ "When MormonJesus Attacks" ~


Part I ~ “The 2nd Coming” ~


MormonJesus floated several inches above the helio-deck ~

His wounded feet glowed like molten brass ~

Long white hair framing and contrasting His flaming red eyes hung loose about His shoulders ~

A few loose strands wafted in the crackling and hissing electro-magnetic wind emanating from His radiant halo ~

Clothed in His brilliant white ankle-length battle robe dipped in blood and a golden sash girt about His paps, MormonJesus gazed out over the immense bridge of His flagship ~

MormonJesus laughed ~

“President Russell M. Nelson sure will be surprised to see Me,” the Prince of Peace said to Himself. “Although, this being the third year in a row that My Church™ has failed to pay the tribute money, he shouldn’t be.” ~

In the reddish glow of the neuron banks that ran around the walls of the mighty dreadnought’s bridge, dozens of MormonJesus’ “crew” of wives were busy at their weapons terminals ~

An invasion-ready state existed on this ship as it did aboard the 665 others that floated above their doomed target ~

"Have ol' Rusty brought up to the bridge," MormonJesus ordered an attending cherub. "I do hope he's capable of conversation. I hear the little faker didn't to do very well in the interrogation chamber.” ~

“Oh, and get him some unsoiled garments." ~


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Part II ~ “Exmo Conference” ~


The flashing lights and audible alarms of the Apost-8000 Early Warning System filled the RfM Administrative Control Center ~

Not that it mattered ~

Anyone with eyes could see the giant spaceship surrounded by 665 others hovering in the sky above Salt Lake City ~

Nor could anyone with ears avoid THE VOICE that had been broadcasting continuously for the past 39 days, booming like the sound of many waters in an endless loop saying ~

“WO, WO, WO UNTO THIS PEOPLE; WO UNTO THE INHABITANTS OF THE WHOLE EARTH EXCEPT THEY SHALL REPENT…” ~

President Russell M. Nelson had been nowhere to be found since the saucers arrived and the rest of the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve had gone into hiding ~ presumably deep into the many bunkers and tunnels beneath downtown ~

Without any leaders to tell them what to do, the Mormon faithful were taking it upon themselves to flee the city ~

Highways I-80 and I-15 were packed solid with terrified citizens trying to maneuver their overloaded minivans and home-made handcarts away from the threatening wrath above ~

It was the Fall of Saigon in white-face ~

At the RfM Administrative Control Center, banks of servers blinked and hummed under the power from the emergency generators ~

A platoon of noob apostates frantically carried silver platters heaped with food and brimming goblets of beverages into a large glass-walled executive conference room ~

In the center of the conference room around an enormous round table were seated a literal Who’s-Who of RfM hunched over their keyboards being waited on and attended to by their loyal devotees as they worked ~

“Nothing is working,” said Susan I/S. “We have posted about Joseph Smith’s teenaged victims, the Book of Abraham, the CES Letter, anachronisms in the Book of Mormon… and nothing.” ~

Steve Benson looked up from his keyboard in frustration. “I just posted the longest post I’ve ever written and MormonJesus is as strong as ever. We need to come up with a plan.” ~

“No plan survives contact with the enemy,” quipped SL Cabbie. “More important than a perfect plan is energetic, opportunistic execution.” ~

Ziller sat in a corner of the room flipping through a Bible and taking notes on a Big Chief Tablet™ ~

Occasionally, Ziller would tear a page from the Bible and hand it to his trophy wife who was using the parchment-like material to hand roll cigarettes to sooth the embattled apostates ~

“Hey y'all. This old book has got some pretty good ideas in it,” Ziller said. ~

He waved his notes at nobody in particular. ~

“What about tryin’ somethin’ like this?” ~

BYU Boner snatched the notes from Ziller, studied them quickly and said, ~

“Ziller, this maybe the stupidest idea I’ve ever seen …

… but actually …

… it ...

… just ...

… might ...

… work.” ~


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Part III ~ “The Catacombs of RfM” ~


The vast basement of the RfM Administrative Control Center contains a Smithsonian-like repository of all things Mormon collected by apostates around the world and sent there to be cataloged, archived and studied ~

There one can peruse the world’s largest collection of ancient Lamanite pikes, swords and halberds ~

Rows of shelves groan under the weight of wooden chests full of Nephite coins ~

Other shelves hold glass jars containing specimens of silk, honey, barley and wheat – all from Book of Mormon times! ~

There is even an ancient Aztec mural bearing the very image of the Prophet Joseph Smith, Jr. dressed as Quetzalcoatl, Jr. ~

It is rumored that the basement of the RfM Administrative Control Center has secret tunnels and bunkers containing even more artifacts that only the elite of the ExMo hierarchy are allowed to see ~

It is said that deep within this heavily guarded vault the Apostates possess such treasures as the shrunken head of Brigham Young, the lost 116 pages of the Book of Mormon, and, it is even whispered, the mummified body of RealJesus®! ~

But, the five brave apostates roaming these catacombs this night were not interested in any of those unholy relics ~

They were on a mission ~

They were after the huge collection of LDS Youth Road Show props and costumes garnered over the years from Apostate raids on LDS Stake Houses ~

Elder Berry, Cricket and Beth dug through some Deseret Industries bags and discovered some oriental silk bathrobes and matching turbans ~

BYU Boner and Ziller found a two-man camel suit and were engaged in a deep discussion about it ~

BYU Boner had already put on the front half of the suit and was standing there with the camel head under his arm while Ziller pretended not to know how to put on the rear half ~

“Why does Ziller have to be the back half?” Ziller asked ~

“Because this whole thing was Ziller’s idea,” replied BYU Boner ~

“Ziller was just thinking out loud,” Ziller explained as he slipped his feet in the leggings and pulled the rear half of the camel suit up around his shoulders ~

“Yeah, well,” BYU Boner said, “try to do better next time.” ~

“OK. Secure that scuttlebutt,” said Elder Berry ~

“Concrete Zipper made me foreman of this operation, so I advise you all to get your things together and head down to the garage.” ~

“The RfM limo is waiting for us.” ~


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Part IV ~ “The Confession of Russell M. Nelson” ~


President Russell M. Nelson screamed ~

A grinning cherub floated in the air next to him holding a pair of ornate golden tweezers ~

The pair of ornate golden tweezers held one of President Russell M. Nelson’s long grey nose hairs clasped firmly in its pincers ~

MormonJesus floated through the seven lamp stands tastefully decorating the battle deck of His flagship’s bridge toward President Russell M. Nelson with a rod of iron in His hand ~

A sharp sword proceeded out of His mouth ~

“I am the Lord thy God, Rusty,” MormonJesus said, “and I am getting tired of asking you nicely.” ~

President Russell M. Nelson sniveled through his tears ~

“Honest Lord…I…I… It’s that Information Superhighway thing! I... I... I got them to quit saying "Mormon"! And the Saints aren’t paying tithing! The Mission Presidents aren’t doing their job! And we built a mall! And condos! And we built a lot of temples! Lots of Temples! You've seen the temples, right? OH MY GOD! IT’S NOT MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!!!” ~

President Russell M. Nelson collapsed in a sobbing blubbering heap ~

“Really, Rusty?” asked MormonJesus ~

The Lord incredulously tapped His perfectly manicured fingernails on His movie-star perfect teeth ~

“A mall Rusty? A f*cking mall?!? Real Estate Rusty? Joseph F*cking Smith, Rusty! I am Jesus the Mother F*cking Christ! Even the King of F*cking Kings, right?” ~

“I already own ALL the f*cking Real Estate!” ~

MormonJesus looked toward the attending cherubim, motioned to President Russell M. Nelson, then pointed with his thumb toward the doors to the bridge and said, “Get him out of here, clean him up and get him some more fresh garments.” ~

One of MormonJesus' crew working along the massive wall of instrument panels on the flagship’s bridge called out, “My Lord?” ~

“What is it, wife #19?” a bored MormonJesus asked ~

“Our sensors are picking up some strange activity on Temple Square. I think you want to see this.” ~


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Part V ~ “The Lamentation of Salt Lake City” ~


It was a dark and moonless night ~

The blacked-out 1962 Cadillac Fleetwood Limousine rolling slowly down West North Temple was the only sign of life in a blacked-out and deserted downtown Salt Lake City ~

Debris and whatever else the looters didn’t want littered the abandoned boulevard and crunched beneath the Cadillac’s high-performance run-flat tires ~

Tumbleweeds decorated with trash wandered aimlessly past as if they too were trying to evacuate the doomed city ~

Only the eerie glow from the spaceships, hovering in the sky above, illuminated the limousine’s path toward Temple Square ~

The car pulled up to the corner of West North Temple and North Main and eased to a stop ~

“This is where you get out,” SL Cabbie said. “Do you guys have everything you need?” ~

“Yeah, I have the bricks that we spray-painted gold,” said Beth ~

“And I have the myrrh scented incense,” said Cricket ~

“And Ziller has the crucifix and Frankenstein,” said Ziller ~

“Ziller found it on DVD. It’s the special limited edition director’s cut too.” ~

“Frankenstein?” asked BYU Boner. “Dammit Ziller. You were supposed to get frankincense.” ~

“OK. Cut the chatter,” said Elder Berry . “Let’s move out. We don’t have much time.” ~

The Exmo Mission Team piled out of the limo and assembled on the sidewalk ~

“I will keep circling the Square,” SL Cabbie called out as he put the limousine in gear and pulled away from the curb. “Good luck and remember to keep your heads on a swivel.” ~

Elder Berry, Cricket and Beth donned their jeweled turbans at rakish tilts ~

BYU Boner and Ziller assembled and adjusted their two-man camel suit ~

They all reverently folded their arms and fell into a line following Elder Berry across the gloomy square ~

As the Exmo Mission Team approached the darkened Temple, they found that its front doors had been conveniently left open by the looters ~

Except for the smashed cash registers, the rest of the Temple was relatively unscathed ~

“OK,” said Elder Berry. “You all know the plan.” ~

“Beth, you and Cricket put the gold bricks, the Frankenstein video and the myrrh incense in the Holy of Holies.” ~

“When MormonJesus comes to take the bait, Ziller will blind him with the crucifix and BYU Boner will put him in a Full Nelson." ~

Elder Berry paused and grinned, "Not to be confused with a Rusty Nelson.” ~

"That would be a Half Nelson," quipped BYU Boner ~

The Exmo Mission Team giggled quietly ~

“OK. Got it?” ~

The team of Exmo operatives nodded unanimously and methodically went to work ~

Then they waited ~

And waited ~

And waited ~


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Part VI ~ “The Passion of MormonJesus” ~


It had been a while since MormonJesus had visited the Salt Lake City Temple, but He truly enjoyed walking to and fro, and up and down in it ~

MormonJesus reminisced about the good times He and Brigham Young used to have in its upper rooms, drinking wine and swapping stories about their wives up until late in the night ~

As MormonJesus approached the Holy-of-Holies, accompanied by His attending cherubs, He beheld a group of sleeping figures ~

MormonJesus said, “Sleep on now, and take your rest. Behold, I am betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise, let us be going. Behold, they that betrayeth Me are at hand.” ~

At the sound of MormonJesus’ voice, the Exmo Mission Team startled to their feet ~

As the Exmo Mission Team struggled to gain their bearings, suddenly the room was filled with the stabbing light of a multitude of electric torches and the flickering shadows of a Church Security team bearing submachine guns and batons ~

At once the Temple began to shake violently ~

Pieces of the floor began to fall away, walls and ceilings moved and shifted ~

Hidden struts emerged to support the Holy-of-Holies as it was raised upward through the collapsing roof and into the glowing sky ~

MormonJesus moved quickly toward the Holy-of-Holies and leapt upon the lower steps of the rising chamber and cried, “You come out, as against a thief, with submachine guns and batons?” ~

“Brigham Young never treated Me like this. But this is your hour, and the power of Darkeness! ~

MormonJesus pointed at the Exmo Mission Team and said, “Follow Me!” ~

But the Exmo Mission Team was busy moving quickly in the opposite direction through the mob of Church Security toward the nearest exit ~

The Holy-of-Holies containing MormonJesus continued to push into the glowing sky while the crumbling Temple collapsed and folded in to create an elaborate launch tower framed against the otherwise unremarkable Salt Lake City skyline ~

The Exmo Mission Team was dashing across Temple Square toward their pickup point when they froze in their tracks ~

Hurtling toward the Apostates was the enormous black bulk of an automobile traveling at high speed in reverse across sidewalks, jumping curbs and flattening shrubbery ~

The tires locked up sending clouds of white smoke billowing into the glowing night sky ~

The front of the vehicle snapped around trapping the Exmo Mission Team in the glare of piercing headlights ~

The rear door popped open and SLCabbie’s voice was heard to say, “You guys call for a cab?” ~


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Part VII ~ “The Final Solution” ~


President Russell M. Nelson, his counselors, and the rest of the Quorum of the Twelve were presumed to have disappeared in the Second Coming of MormonJesus, as were the entire Quorum of the Seventies, all Temple Presidents, Stake Presidents, Mission Presidents, and all of their wives ~

Many Bishops, Relief Society Presidents and Aaronic Priesthood Quorum Presidents had also been reported missing ~

Throughout Zion, in the twinkling of an eye, where two or three Mormons had been gathered together, now there was one or none ~

The skylines of the world’s cities were irretrievably altered on that fateful day when LDS temples across the globe all folded themselves into grotesque spaceships and flew to join the formation of saucers departing Salt Lake City for their home star Kolob ~

Even the wooden and plaster temples of Fundamentalist Mormon compounds hidden throughout rural North America managed to find their way skyward and join the ominous exodus ~

By Executive Order, the President of the United States placed all remaining property of the Mormon Church, its offshoots and derivatives, under the guardianship of the Federal Courts ~

The Mormon rank-and-file languished for a time without “official” leadership, but soon, through the guidance of court appointed counselors, local congregations were able to draft written bylaws by which they agreeably organized and governed themselves in a fair, democratic and transparent process ~

The Church’s assets were auctioned off or converted to affordable public housing and local congregations were granted the property deeds to their ward chapels ~

Some of the money was used to establish a perpetual trust for the benefit of the Exmormon Foundation to support those in transition from Mormonism, and for the benefit of other charities which truly provided for the relief of widows and orphans, the aged and infirm ~

Some of the proceeds from the sale of the Mormon Church’s assets were used to transform the gaping black holes where the LDS Temples had once been into beautiful public parks ~

Today, at the park at the site of the destroyed Salt Lake City Temple, families and lovers relax and play on broad green lawns among fountains, trees and flowers ~

If you are ever there, you should visit the memorial placed near where the Holy-of-Holies once stood ~

There you will find a humble privately funded monument ~ a simple plaque listing the names of the five brave Apostates who…

Saved Planet Earth from MormonJesus! ~


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THE END


ziller


be it known unto all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people, unto whom this work shall come ~ that ziller, hereby, as soberly as possible, grants permission for this work to be permanently displayed, spread upon and archived on exmormon.org ~ all usernames were used without permission ~ ziller knows of a surety and bears record that this work is not true. ziller lies not. amen.

This story is long enough to be worthy of Steve Benson.

I was glad to read your excellent work.

“I already own ALL the f*cking Real Estate!”

Whammmo. Too good! Says it all with that one sentence.


~Zillerism trumps Mormonism every time. Five stars from D&D.

I want to see this movie.

Absolutely loved this Ziller, even read it twice. I feel like I just departed the movie theater after seeing a mashup of Ghostbusters and Battlestar Galactica.

This certainly is a RfM classic now. Here are my favorite lines:

Anyone with eyes could see the giant spaceship surrounded by 665 others hovering in the sky above Salt Lake City ~

There is even an ancient Aztec mural bearing the very image of the Prophet Joseph Smith, Jr. dressed as Quetzalcoatl, Jr. ~

The pair of ornate golden tweezers held one of President Russell M. Nelson’s long grey nose hairs clasped firmly in its pincers ~

“I already own ALL the f*cking Real Estate!” ~

“Frankenstein?” asked BYU Boner. “Dammit Ziller. You were supposed to get frankincense.” ~

Except for the smashed cash registers, the rest of the Temple was relatively unscathed ~

MormonJesus reminisced about the good times He and Brigham Young used to have in its upper rooms, drinking wine and swapping stories about their wives up until late in the night ~

Some of the proceeds from the sale of the Mormon Church’s assets were used to transform the gaping black holes where the LDS Temples had once been into beautiful public parks ~

I'm impressed! I love that you incorporated famous rfm users. Super interesting to read and definitely could be a funny movie plot :)

A Pulitzer Prize ought to be awarded for this most creative use of Mormon Americana prose.

F%ckin' EH!! Boner!!

This was great, ziller!!!

How on Earth did I miss this the first time around? Bloody brilliant!!

So fun to read this again !
:)

Very good! Ziller nails it.

What a tale! Loved it. Astounding! I laughed. I cried when I didn't get to be in the camel costume with ziller!


This made me laugh out loud.


"They were after the huge collection of LDS Youth Road Show props and costumes garnered over the years from Apostate raids on LDS Stake Houses ~"

I totally would. Totally!