Date: January 11, 2019 05:39AM
I agree that you should see a psychiatrist. I did.
Like you, I knew something was wrong. I had been through some horrific experiences in my life, but those were over. I was 40, and the sole financial support for my children. I didn't want my "depression or whatever it was" to interfere with my career, or my good relationship with my children. Unhappiness rubs off onto others, and I didn't want it in our life. What I mean is, life has its bumps-in-the-road, and the family home should be a safe haven, a source of love and affirmation and support. I wanted to bring 100% of my self to my children. My career mattered, because it paid for our house and everything else. Like you, I felt I had no intrinsic value as "just me."
I went to a great psychiatrist, and told him I thought I was depressed. I was still able to work, though. I loved my children, and had great joy and fun with them. I cared enough to ask advice--like you are doing here. After work, I hiked with my dog for an hour or so, to keep myself sane. It turned out that I wasn't depressed at all!
Get a diagnosis! I took all the tests. The doctor tried various antidepressants on me, and they didn't do anything at all, except give me side-effects. My diagnosis was PTSD. That's a different animal. 10 years later, I'm about 80% cured!
(Did you have trauma growing up? Were you raised in the cult? Are you being abused now? Does the MOrmon cult seem abusive to you? There is such a thing as Mormon abuse. I lived with extreme physical and mental abuse, from birth. My abusive older brother was 6 years old, was the school bully, and already had our family held hostage, and he ruled the household, when I was born. He didn't like not being the youngest anymore, and wanted me out of the picture. My TBM parents were in denial that my brother was a psychopath, and they did nothing to help me. The torture and physical beatings and the threats were constant, and I had stomach aches almost every night. I left home the day after graduating high school, never to return.
Anxiety was more of a problem than depression. Anxiety can often drain your energy. It takes stamina to be constantly hyper-vigilant, and to be constantly overcoming fear. You think of anxious people as jittery, but often they are exhausted! Lack of sleep is a symptom of anxiety. Get a diagnosis, because if you are anxious some antidepressants can send you through the roof. I have a tranquilizer (similar to valium) to take before surgery, or if I have severe flashbacks or trauma. I need it only 2 or 3 times a year, now.
I started questioning the Mormon lies, years before I saw a psychiatrist. When I resigned, with the children, I had a wonderful feeling of peace and joy. My children were happier. Our relationship was already good, but it got better and better. I didn't dread Sundays anymore. Weekends were more fun. Life was more fun. I realized that my "depression" had disappeared, from the day I walked out of that ward house for the last time! I mean, it was GONE!
It took a few more years to get the PTSD under control, but it certainly helped to avoid the "triggers" to the anxiety attacks. church was a huge trigger, and it still is. The sound of the Mormon coir at the Mormon tabernacle at the Mormon temple square, made me want to cry hysterically. My granddaughter brought over a Mormon hymn book, and started playing the hymns, and I could not bear it. I hide my PTSD flashback attacks from others, but that Mormon hymn book mysteriously disappeared, and I taught her other music that is more upbeat. For years, I could not be alone in a car with a man, or alone with a man in an office (awkward at work, but I kept the doors open, and had a colleague with me). I can fly without fear.
If you want to get rid of at least SOME of your "depression" follow the suggestion of some of the posters of taking a break from church! Lie to them (they have lied to you for years, so why not?) and tell them you need to take sick leave from church. You owe them no explanation. Church callings are supposed to be VOLUNTEER, and you have a right to not volunteer for a while. You will feel that dark cloud of dread and despair lift from your life! For me, it was like the sun came out, and it is here to stay. This happiness in freedom will keep you going, if your Mormon friends and family shun you, gossip about you, harass you, and threaten you--and they will.
My worst day of Mormon harassment after I left was better than my best day in the abusive Mormon cult. Mormons are meanest to their own--and you will no longer be one of them. Learn to say "No", without explaining.
This, along with psychiatcric therapy, will put you on the road to recovery. It takes more than a pill. It takes work, and patience, and time--but what a great adventure it is to discover who you are, and to be fulfilled in life! Try it! (They will always want you (and your tithing money) back, so don't worry about burning any bridges.
I always enjoy your posts, and your good advice! (((hugs)))