No? Neither did I.

But when you think about how important they supposedly are (making all the difference between getting into the first-class section of heaven or being stuck in economy class), you'd think Mormons would be rehearsing them and practicing them in secret all the time. I somehow suspect that all Mormons, deep down inside, know that the handshakes are stupid.

Speaking of idiotic temple gimmicks, I got on an elevator yesterday that had mirrors on both sides. The eternity mirrors! Just like in the temple, but free of charge in the elevator. Nobody even asked me if I had an elevator recommend before I got full access to these sacred truth-revealing mirrors. While gazing into the mirrors, I gave myself several handshakes that involved putting my fingers into odd spots. I was excited to realize that I could have everything in this little elevator that I could have in a Mormon temple, except for the baptismal font--and all free of charge!

Did you know that you can also do the "Pay, Lay, Ale" chant in an elevator? (I just recommend that you do it when you're the only one on the elevator.)

Jesus knows what's in your heart. In fact your whole life is going to be played out on the big screen on judgement day for your whole Ward to see so it better be a G rated show. But even if your show is OK, if you can't throw Jesus the right shakes and signs, no getting in the Celestial for you.

Even when I was trying to believe, I often thought the admonition to not talk about temple stuff was so no one would point out the many contradictions in the teachings.

Oh, the mormons are going to run screaming in horror at the showing of my life movie.

I even took off my garments for sex, but not always for an unrepentant wank....



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/17/2019 11:57PM by dogblogger.

Good point. Aside from work, I'm always writing down everyday stuff that I'm afraid I'll forget. Looking at my reminder list right now, here's the name of a mechanic my friend recommended today, the time of my grandson's basketball game Saturday, the title of a movie I want to see ("On the Basis of Sex), a grocery list, including ingredients for a new recipe, and below that the detailed recipe.

Yeah, you would think that I would write down the recipe for Eternal Salvation, wouldn't you. I vaguely remember being admonished to NOT write anything down, or record it, or talk about it to anyone--even my husband or parents. (Yes, the cult knows that in comparing notes, and speaking logically to someone else, would organize people's thoughts. That's what language is: thoughts organized into words. In order to communicate with someone, your thoughts and words must make sense to that other person. When we describe the temple rituals in words--that's the end, at least for me. Busted! It's all idiotic mumbo-jumbo, and it certainly does not come from God!

I did memorize the handshakes and names, the first time around, by repeating them over and over in my head, and for the next few days, until they were fixed in my brain. But I never spoke these things out loud.

Hey, you minions, the Mormons aren't going to talk to you, or help you remember the secret handshakes. You have to pay tithing and GO BACK to the temple, over and over, until it's memorized--suckers!

Unless they change it, and everyone has to keep returning to learn the new stuff....

Deep down, I knew. I also knew that my parents didn't believe in the temple, though they pretended to.

It's really snarky and creepy that Mormons were "forbidden" to talk about the temple, under the threat of their lives being taken. I had the penalties memorized, too! That'why no one can ever tell me, "I don't know that we taught that."

The Mormons are busy confiscating and destroying old diaries, such as my ancestors' diaries from the early days of JS and BY. They are back-pedaling, revising history and scripturs, re-publishing new "more accurate" scriptures. Huh, God changed his mind? God wasn't clear in His important revelations to the world?

The Mormons will have to kill off all the old folks, and thus erase their memories, before their Brave New Church can really move forward.

Never saw my folks do any of that weird shit.

No, but I have experienced an unexpected temple handshake in the lobby of our ward building. An older brother was saying hello and next thing I know...

It was weird and not just because it was awkward. The secrecy of the temple endowment gets into your head so bad that I thought I was doing something wrong.

No, but I now show them to anybody who asks.
There's a whole bunch of people from my last job who know them. They found out I was formerly mormon, asked about the weird stuff, and I did a group lesson. Sorta like a temple endowment, but with much laughter and ridicule. It was fun :)

I remember wanting to so that I would remember. But, I was afraid that I would be doing something wrong, because I wasn't in the temple.

I wonder about this.

If Mormon temple couples are all that concerned about getting into the Mormon Celestial Kingdom, you would think that they would practice together at home.

Maybe they really do, but keep it secret.

I remember being threatened in the temple to keep it secret, never talk about it, never record it, never write it down. I agree that this is just a ploy to make people go to the temple more often, in order to practice. I know people who practically know the movie dialog by heart, in addition to the required signs and tokens (tokens, like in the monetary sense?)

Surely, if one were to pay 10% of one's income forever, and spend all those hours in tedious boredom, and subject one's self to subjugation and blind obedience and depression--one would do a little practicing.

I see two straight-forward reasons they don't practice at home: 1) The fear of Mormon threats, and 2) They don't really believe all that nonsense. I was in category 2, as were my parents.

I was told many times growing up--by Sunday School teachers and in temple recommend interviews with both my bishop and stake president--that when Judgement Day comes our memories will be restored and we will remember everything perfectly, good and bad, and the secret handshakes and passwords would be perfectly recalled. Therefore, there is no reason to practice them; if you've done them once, you'll know them forever. Mormon logic.

Of course, this begs the question--if Mormonworld turns out to be true and I find myself at the judgement bar staring down Elohim, Jesus and good ol' Brother Joseph, won't I still remember the secret combinations? Seems to me I'll be able to waltz right by the angel guarding heaven's entrance if all he's looking for is the right handshake, since according to them I'll remember them perfectly.

Maybe that will get me into secret Gay Heaven. That would be hilarious.

Signs and tokens are fun to do while bathing with your significant other.

My mother, who has dealt with rheumatoid arthritis for most of her life had two fingers amputated from her right hand. I remember how frustrated she was trying to do the magic handshakes. She would have family members help her endlessly. I give kudos to one of my brothers in law, a former bishop and now SP, when he was there at the curtain with my mother and told the officiator to just let it be, it wasn't going to happen!

Yes I have. A little back story. English is my second langue. I was at the veil and was suppose to say the word "Melchizedek" for the life of me I could not pronouce to right. The little old lady next to me got more and more upset at me she made me say it at least 5 times and I pronounced it even worse every time. She must have thought that I was making fun of her. It was at the California Oakland temple on a Saturday morning and there was a very big line behind me. The women next to me were all passing through the veil and I was in my mid twenties was holding up the flow. At the end I started to stutter. The male veil worker said that it was ok and the female helper on my side said no she did not pronouce it right. At that point and wanted to run out crying and all I said " I am very sorry".He finally pulled me through the veil. He hugged me as he saw that I was shaking with tears in my eyes.

Practice them? Why? They were simple.