Date: February 08, 2019 03:46PM
I'd like to first thank this site's organizers. RfM was the first ex-mo site I discovered many years ago when I was researching the church. It was and continues to be an excellent resource. Thanks also to all those who've shared their stories. I still, at 50, struggle with fallout symptoms, but the words of all those who've dealt with similar problems really helps remind me that I'm far from alone.
I write today for advice. Here's the deal:
I grew up in a quasi-LDS household. My mother's side of the family is very TBM; my dad wanted nothing to do with the church. He emphasized that he'd support me either way, though, which I always appreciated. But that fundamental contradiction, during childhood, along with their drinking coffee and alcohol, led me to question early on. I don't remember ever believing and going through the motions always seemed like an ordeal. I only made it to Teacher before I bowed-out, much to the disappointment of my relatives.
Nagging doubts and guilt persisted and I decided, around 2001, to take them head-on. What surprised me was how easily and quickly I was able to disprove the truthfullness of the church to my satisfaction, largely using the church's own archives. So that was good. But as so many here can attest, truth is only part of the equation.
I just went through a breakup after almost 9 years, with the last 6 spent in Hawaii. I feel I need a complete change of scene, and Logan Utah came to mind. I still have LDS relatives there, and while my involvement in their lives has been minimal during my adult years, I love and miss them very much. My mother's older brother is there -- he's basically the family patriarch. He's tried his best to drag me back into the fold for many years, which has led to the standard frustrations.
Part of my thinking of moving to Logan is that my mom has accelerating dementia which she refuses to face. While she doesn't live there presently, she's talked many times of wanting to move to Logan "when the time comes." Since I'm now unattached, I thought it might make sense to set up shop there and prepare for the inevitable. And the lower cost of living would help me get ahead in less time. In theory.
I like to tell myself that I don't have an ax to grind with the church, that I'm comfortable in my own skin these days, and that Cache Valley is more liberal and diverse than it used to be. But I wonder if I'm deluding myself -- that constant subtle corrective and disapproving pressures might quickly get to me if I lived there. But I also wish I could spend more time with my relatives, partly because for some there isn't much time left.
Anybody have any thoughts on that? Any experience with recent living in Logan or Salt Lake? Is it possible to find balance there, being a non believer?