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Posted by: icanseethelight ( )
Date: February 13, 2019 04:44PM

Research until you understand completely the sunk cost fallacy.

If you already know what this is, how did the understanding of it affect your decisions when deciding whether to stay married?

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Posted by: mel ( )
Date: February 13, 2019 06:08PM

I love those theories of how people make decisions, the sunk-cost fallacy (I have put in so much time/work/effort, can't give up now) and the confirmation bias (disregarding evidence that does not suit your beliefs).

The best advice I got was that for happiness you must share core values and beliefs. But on the opposing side I read an article that the happiest marriages are those who ignore half of what the other person says/thinks/does.

Gotta be true to yourself, though, I think. Good luck, Light!

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Posted by: catnip ( )
Date: February 13, 2019 06:39PM

We were both Mormons when we got married. I gradually studied my way out, which upset DH at first, but he went inactive because he did not want religion to come between us. It's been about a decade and a half now, and still going very well.

Like the late SusieQ and her Leon, DH and I have made it work, and we are still going strong.

DH has never bought into the idea that I am religiously indifferent. He thinks I am still a backslid Presbyterian. That's OK.

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Posted by: GregS ( )
Date: February 14, 2019 08:40AM

I knew very little about Mormonism before I married my wife, with the Osmonds being the extent of my knowledge.

DW told me about the WoW, and asked whether it was OK that she didn't drink. I said it was OK with me as long as she was OK with me enjoying a beer. I also told her that, since leaving the Catholic Church, I had no interest in joining any other religion. She was fine with that.

She also told me a little about Joseph Smith, but I didn't give it much thought because I didn't think that she, or anybody, could take seriously what she was telling me. I thought she was sort of joking about the plates.

It wasn't until after I met the first pair of missionaries that I realized there was an effort to convert me. I reminded my wife that I was not converting, and she reassured me that nobody was going to force me...damn right, and I'd like to see them try.

Well, they did try. With my wife's blessing (which she admitted to months afterwards), her ward put on a full-court press: love-bombing, missionary lessons, heart-to-hearts with the bishopric and other priesthood holders.

The more they pressed and bore their testimonies, the more I researched Mormonism (both the good and the bad). I've read the Book of Mormon, The Pearl of Great Price, and most of the Doctrines and Covenants, and a little of the Discourses. I probably know more about Mormonism than most of the people trying to convert me.

Fortunately, my wife and I have similar interests outside of church, and we have learned it best to just not talk about religion. The few times that we've fought are almost exclusively about Mormonism, but we calm down and remind ourselves that our love for each never had anything to do about the church.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/14/2019 08:56AM by GregS.

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Posted by: exminion ( )
Date: February 14, 2019 03:29PM

"...our love for each never had anything to do about the church."

That's a wise and reasonable perspective, GregS. Your wife deserves credit, too. IMO, BOTH partners need to share this open-minded, loving attitude. Mormons are taught against this perspective. They believe they will be punished if they don't marry their spouse in the temple--punished with being separated from each other and their children, for all eternity. A spouse married to an "inactive", apostate, or non-Mormon is punished socially, as well, by being marginalized, excluded from Mormon couples' social activities, and even shunned. A mixed-faith marriage--according to Mormons--is something wrong, that needs to be fixed. There as a lot of negative judgment and gossip. Even the couple's children are harassed to convert the "errant" parent, and manipulate them into getting married in the temple.

If the non-Mormon joins, that means more tithing money for the cult! The children will grow up to pay tithing, too.

Back to my point. I have seen many great mixed marriages; in fact, most of the marriages are "mixed." A lot of couples change religions several times because of a move, because they want to go to church with their kids, or have more friends in a different church, or they like another paster better, or they want a church within walking distance. There are so many reasons--and they are all OK! This attitude does NOT work with Mormons, because of all the shaming and abuse the Mormon give out to the unfortunate non-Mormon spouse, and all the blame they give out to the Mormon spouse.

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Posted by: GregS ( )
Date: February 14, 2019 04:00PM

I can't really comprehend my wife's support of the church considering how she's been treated by members.

She was a single mom when she converted. She married a return missionary soon after converting, eventually had six kids, all of whom have left the church. By the time her previous husband had asked for a divorce, he had already gone inactive. His parting shot was telling everybody that she was having an affair, which he eventually admitted wasn't true, but the damage was already done within the ward she had lived in for almost 20 years.

After the divorce, she moved to her sister's ward. There, she opened a cafe and hired one of the ward members as a contractor to remodel the place. Once again, she was accused of having an affair by the wife of the contractor. It would have been difficult to pull off the affair since she was practically joined at the hip to her sister and BIL, who were also helping with the cafe. Nonetheless, half the ward believed the divorcee convert was stealing husbands from ward members.

She met and married me, and moved away from her sister's ward and the ward gossips. Six years later, she's back in her sister's ward with a new nevermo husband in She's afraid tongues are wagging behind her back, and I can't tell her she's wrong when the friends of the contractor's now ex-wife are still around and actively avoiding my wife.

I've told my wife that it's so much easier with Catholics and any other Christian church. You're not assigned to a church and are free to come and go as you please, for whatever reason you want. You don't have to associate with people who look down on you and treat you like garbage.

Sorry for the rant.

Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 02/14/2019 04:03PM by GregS.

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Posted by: Elder Berry ( )
Date: February 14, 2019 11:54AM

I don't mix faith. Mine was shaken and I'm working on getting over the hangover. She is still taking her's straight with none of mine.

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