Were any of you men virgin returned missionaries who came back to a girlfriend who admitted to having sex with another man while you were away?

Alternatively, did any of you women have sex with another man while waiting for your virgin RM?

If so, what was your experience? How did you deal with it as TBMs? What ended up happening between the two of you?

Given that the majority of the regular posters on here spend their days pointing fingers at their former church and dragging its every mistake through the mud, I doubt you're going to get the holier than thou on here confessing to any wrong doing. Its all part of the "recovery"

frequenting an anti-mormon website?

I'm an adulteress, apostate and I admit it. I won't go into my story, but you can find out about it if you want by searching my name.

We have a "watcher" ...

cl are my mom's initials.....mom, is that you?

I go by CL 2 meaning chlorine. I worked with chemists (and my boyfriend is one of them) years ago at Thiokol. One of them was from back east and he called me Calleen. I told him it was Colleen and so he named me chlorine. It stuck.

"She, like many other women, always confused abusiveness with manliness, and was always ready to fall into an abusive relationship. I find this weird, but so many women do this. Perhaps some gentle reader here could explain why that is."

Did you ever consider it was the RELIGION/CULTURE we were raised in? They sent us in to an older man to have him ask us if we masturbated at age 12 no less. We were abused by this practice and the practice of telling us we had to respect the leaders.

I will never marry again as I will give up my power to a man when I feel "owned" by him. I'm weak enough as a woman as it is. I have a boyfriend, but I'm still married to my ex, but according to those who know us, more emotionally divorced than anyone they know. Now, I wonder why that is.

We were taught to be subservient. I was told by the bishop that I could do anything except intercourse and he'd give me a TR because we had to save the gay boyfriend/husband. I wouldn't, couldn't. I was a true mormon virgin. I did wait for about 10 months for a missionary. It was an interesting situation, but I didn't break it off because I was having sex. I was working with a bunch of men--most older than I was, much older. He couldn't handle it. I got the job after he left. It was the best job I've ever had and I was happier than I had ever been in my life. He couldn't handle it. We went out ONCE when he got back. He was actually writing to other girls I found out later and he married one of them.

Lol nice try Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Given that the majority of the regular posters on
> here spend their days pointing fingers at their
> former church and dragging its every mistake
> through the mud, I doubt you're going to get the
> holier than thou on here confessing to any wrong
> doing. Its all part of the "recovery"

Strawman, non-sequitur, hasty generalization and irrational trivialization of "mistakes"....

Hmmnn... Let me guess. Are you one of those people who still believes that Joseph Smith, with the aid of a holy hat and a sacred stone, was able to translate ancient reformed Egyptian writings engraved upon golden plates that were concealed out of view during the entire "translation" process and which golden plates have never been seen by anyone since then because they were later taken up to heaven by an angel named after the capital city of the island of Comoros?

I thought so.

And let me guess. By "its every mistake" you mean such trivial things as the Mormon prophet mistakenly worshiping the wrong God for about 30 or 40 years (as in literally not knowing God from Adam).

And by "holier than thou" would you be referring to someone who attempts to scold people who have the audacity to point out mistakes made by a Church that pretends to be God's one and only true church on earth?

Very interestinnngggg. Ve vould like to schedule for you a psych evaluation. My colleagues Carl and Sigmund would find you very fascinating.

Please don't disparage the Holy Hat. Joseph Smith isn't the only religious leader with one of those, and you wouldn't believe what Freud had to say about the other guy's.

I think a better question would have been How many left a girlfriend who later broke it off rather than just assuming the sex part.

My girlfriend married some guy while I was away. So there was at least sex after the wedding.

Our son left his GF to go on his stateside mission. She found a boyfriend.

She and the new boyfriend went to a party where he consumed enough alcohol that he laid on the floor and went to sleep. No one could wake him up. He had wet himself, which she thought was "gross," and the only sound he could make was gurgling. She never called for anyone to help him. He died. As I remember, a janitor found him the next morning.

In her mind, she still had our son waiting in the wings, safe in the knowledge he'd come home and marry her. She took up writing to him again and sending him photos of herself, which we found in the trash when he got home.

But while still on his mission, when our son found out about this, he was devastated--more by the reality of an otherwise decent guy dying in her careless company than losing her. My husband spent hours on the phone with our son every night for weeks--church rules be damned.

His younger brother became tired of her renewed boasting of her missionary and called this girl on the phone. Not sure of the dialogue, but after that, she never contacted our son nor us again.

What a tragic story. My first reaction was thinking that this girl was an idiot but I'm sure the cult had a hand in the way she responded to her boyfriend consuming enough alcohol to die. She probably didn't know any of the danger signs of an alcohol overdose, and she was also feeling shame and guilt for being there and probably drinking a bit too. So much so that she thought she would roll the dice and hope that he will get better without any help.

I'll bet she will carry the guilt of her boyfriend's death for the rest of her life. It is tragic all around.

At least your son had the sense not to marry her.

Yes, it was a horrible tragedy for everyone.

Too bad there isn't a Sunday School lesson on how to know when your friend is truly in distress from some kind of substance. But, that will never happen in Righteousville.

Praydude, you seem to have a compassionate and understanding heart.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/08/2019 01:45PM by kathleen.

That was my reaction too. Thanks to high school, I was educated about alcohol and drug dangers and warning signs, but if I wasn't I'd hope intuition would kick in. Gurgling isn't a normal human sound. If someone's not waking up because they're intoxicated, it's time to them help. Call 911. Anything is more acceptable than letting them lay to waste. I'm not sure why this isn't common sense in some circles. You're probably right about what was going through her mind after. It's disgraceful how the church shames moral behavior, like doing what's right and not what's popular, and would rather its members appear moral without doing the work.

I don't like this post. It's dripping with judgement and sexism.

In the real world men and women both have sex and when it is considered cheating it can be a deal breaker but sometimes it isn't.

That is true. How many missionaries had sex on their missions while their girlfriends back home were waiting?

praydude,

On my mission, I moved to a district where a very suave handsome missionary was having great success with baptisms. The issue was they were all female teenagers, 13 of them, ages 16 to 17 years old. This all happened over a two month period. The mission president was boasting to all of the other missionaries that if he could baptize that many people, why couldn't the rest of us.

He was sneaking out at night, having sex with the girls, then they would agree to be baptized. It all came to a screeching end when one of the fathers found out, went over to the apartment and beat the crap out of the elder and his companion. When asked about it, the mission president pretended it never happened.

WHAAAAAA??!! That's a crazy story. I'll bet they all covered it up and the missionary told the MP the dad who beat them up was lying. It's not like any of them actually have "the spirit of discernment".

I was upset when I learned there were non-virgins among my fellow missionaries. I had avoided the hell out of having sex so I could go on my mission, but these "unchaste" people still got to go? You mean they lied about it and weren't caught by the all-knowing "power of discernment?"

And there were missionaries having sex while ON their mission???? How did they manage that? How did they not get caught? The Holy Ghost rats out all the masturbators, right, but not the fornicators?

This is some of the crap that killed my testimony. ;-)

I suspect that as a missionary I would have traded my easily (How hard is it to not have sex when you're that weird Mormon dude who won't have sex?) won chastity for 12 bucks and a ride home. To the right person of course.

I know of one occasion where the one elder put sleeping pills in his companion's drink so he could bring a girls in to have sex with her.

I know two missionaries that got married on their missions. One stuck out the last month and came back for her. The other just ran off with the girl.

I know of instances both Elders were seeing girls and by mutual arrangement carried on with them even to the point one moved in with the girl.

My friend had his girl break up with him about half way through the mission. When he got home a year later she was mad he didn't reconnect with her. He told her it had been a year since she wrote him and he'd moved on.

I do know of one American sister missionary that went back overseas to marry someone she met. Don't know the nitty gritty details though.

This is my first time sharing on this site. I’ve been reading posts here since last fall when my faith crisis started. I’m a RM. Here’s what happened to me.
I had a boyfriend who proposed to me before he served a mission. I accepted it but my patriarchal blessing said I would marry a RM. So I called off the engagement. He had been in the military and wasn’t planning on going even though his blessing also talked about him being a missionary. I encouraged him to go. So he decided to go on the mission and I went on a mission too. He told me to hold onto the ring until we got back home. Our missions’ timings worked out that we’d get home about the same time. He ended up getting off his mission a month earlier than me. I expected him to come see me after his mission and meet me at the airport. He did not. We lived in states far apart. I was upset that he didn’t come to see me. But he talked to me on the phone. Luckily I had a flight voucher because the airline had oversold one of my flights coming home from my mission. So I used that to go see him. Turns out he ended up sleeping with a young girl that was living in his father’s home when he got back from his mission. He got her pregnant. I didn’t know it until I visited his home and she told me.

I can relate to being totally in love but needing to go on a mission in order to be with that person. 3 months before I left I was head-over-heels in love with this wonderful TBM woman. We had the same birthday (she was exactly 1 year older) so it was a sign that we were meant to be together. We made out a lot in the remaining weeks before I had to report to the MTC. I was going to marry her for sure. I thought that she would go on her mission after I had been out a year so we would only be apart for six more months when I returned home. Turns out she waited to put in her mission paperwork and left for her mission a month before I returned home. I was heartbroken. Then a couple of month later she dear John-ed me. I ended up getting married to the first woman who gave me the time of day and she was a psycho but that is another story.

Crazy thing was, a few years later when my daughter was born my old pre-mission love came to me in a super vivid dream. She was happy to see me move along with my life and had met my newborn daughter. I woke up crying and was determined to visit her again, only when I returned home to my parents house I found out that she had died.

I used to tell myself that she had visited me from the spirit world when she passed but I think it was just my own mind inventing her to help me feel better in the moment while I was dealing with my first wife.

I remember your story. You went through hell.

I'm glad things have improved.

There are some very interesting stories here, thanks you long-term members.

But if, as some of the first posters imply, this is a fake post from a Mormon Apologist, according to the site rules, we're not supposed to reply to it.

"Not only do we ask apologists to refrain from participating at RfM, we ask posters here not to respond to them."

I haven't been on the Board long enough to know whether this is an Apologist fake posting, but if it is, I think we're supposed to use the button to report it, rather than replying, as I understand it, though I did enjoy everyone's stories!

Just sayin'. No offense meant to any of the posters who replied. :)

The board usually assumes people are genuine until they prove otherwise. In this case Vortigern has posted here in the past, so s/he is not an apologist.

The first reply smells more like a Mormon, but here too it would take more outrageous behavior to get banned. Sometimes people come to fight and then learn the truth, so the moderators are pretty tolerant as long as the discussion remains productive. And the thread is certainly on topic.

My cousins girlfriend got married about a year into him being on his mission to a RM. I think nothing sexual happened before they got married. She worked with him very close and saw him daily. She wrote my cousin a "Dear John Letter" a couple of months into his mission and about a year into his mission he got a wedding invitation from her. They all lived in a small town where most Mormons living there new each other. My cousin was sad but also knew the RM and knew that he was a good person so he wished them both the best. Two years after my cousin returned home from his mission he got married in the temple.

I sent a bunch of missionaries to their respective home within my first year of my mission. Apparently it was some sort of mission record. Two of them received Dear John letters. It was heartbreaking for them. One had delayed putting in his papers so his sweetie could finish her mission. One guy was a convert and his Mom wrote to tell him to look for another place to live when he returned. He was no longer welcomed in her home. Only one had any success within the final months by baptizing a family that the lady missionaries had taught. One guy went home and got married in the temple. Two weeks later, the wife ran off with another RM.

One last story. This one still hurts me. This missionary returned home and became very ill. He ended up in the hospital with pancreatic cancer. There was little hope for his survival and he succumbed to the disease. All within a 3 week period. The bishop in the ward where I was serving spoke highly about him and his service. Then gave a low blow by stating what a shame that this elder never married in the temple and was forever destined to be a servant for eternity.

That last one is really awful, especially as it's not the missionary's fault he developed cancer. I guess the "bishop" would say the same thing about his own son if he died on a mission, while other TBM's would say the missionary went on to his celestial mission.

Toxins, particularly pesticides, can increase your risk for pancreatic cancer. This can come on quickly especially if your are genetically predisposed and have exposure. So was your mission area rural or 3rd world where the RM might have gotten exposure to pesticides or industrial chemicals in the environment or water supply?

Yeah, this happened to me. I apologize for the long story that follows. Maybe you'll find it titillating, though, and read it til the end.

I wanted to go on a mission, but wanted more to marry my girlfriend.But she would not consider marrying a guy who hadn't gone on a mission. We were supposedly soul mates. But you know how that goes. There really is no such thing. Anyway, I was her first boyfriend, and I was really in love. We were an item for three semesters at BYU. We came dangerously close to having sex a few times, and I was the one who always threw the cold water on any attempt. At first, she was just sexually curious, asking me questions I could not answer. ("Is it true that women crimp their toes when having sex?" What the hell did I know?) Over time she became sexually aggressive, grabbing my hand and pushing it into her underwear, or up under her bra. She would also push her hand into my underwear and fondle me.

In my second year at BYU, in spite of talking marriage, she would still stand me up occasionally to go out with some other guy. At any rate, when I did leave on my mission, she wrote me practically daily with words of undying love. Nine months into my mission, she went out with a guy on a blind date, and afterward went up to his room, took off her clothes, and had sex with him, a stranger, just like that. She continued to have sex with him at every opportunity, all the while writing me and telling me things like what she wanted to name our kids, what kind of household we were going to have. But when she went home for Christmas, she had some kind of vaginal thing going on and had to go to her LDS doctor. He discovered that she had an STD, and being an unethical Mormon doctor, he told her mother. My girlfriend was so horrified that her parents knew, that when her fuck buddy came to her house at Christmas to visit her and meet her family, she wouldn't let him in and broke up with him on the porch. Her parents talked about not allowing her to go back and finish her semester, but they finally caved on that.

In January, she wrote me a very hard to read letter. Using a bunch of typical Mormon euphemisms (she didn't use the word "sex") she owned up to having had some kind of sexual encounters with a guy, and asked me to forgive her. It was difficult. Who did I have to counsel me except the other missionaries? They agreed that it was a good reason to break up with her, but said that if I really did love her, I'd forgive her. So I did. Then just about 6 or 7 weeks later, she met a guy who asked right away to marry her. Never one to stand up for herself, she agreed. Then after her bridal showers, one at BYU and one in her home town, her fiance called her up four days before the wedding and called it off.

Right at the end of my mission, she wrote to me and explained mostly all of what happened, and told me she still loved me. I hated her, and had no intention of seeing her when I went back, but when I was hanging out with a friend, he took me to her house without telling me she lived there because he wanted me to get back together with her. Although I was foursquare against the idea, and swore I hated her, we got to talking, and talked more and more, and began seeing each other again and again, and eventually began dating and being very serious. We got married and have been married for 47 years. Sometimes I hate myself for it, and see myself as not manly enough to tell her to go to hell. On the other hand, I would not have been able to just let her go. I often feel like an idiot to this day, but it has been a successful marriage. But to this day, she is still unable to stand up for herself, and continues to do whatever anyone tells her to do. I know she would never intentionally cheat on me, and I know that she never has. But on the other hand, I believe that if another dominant, controlling person came along and demanded sex, she would likely do it just to avoid confrontation. That's how she is.

She, like many other women, always confused abusiveness with manliness, and was always ready to fall into an abusive relationship. I find this weird, but so many women do this. Perhaps some gentle reader here could explain why that is. I try not to be angry with her and bring up old history, but since she is also die-hard Mormon, she does what so many Mormons do and condemns other women for doing what she herself did. Here's an example. I had asked her once how she avoid getting pregnant. She responded that Russ, her boyfriend, "took care of that, and it grossed me out". In other words, she had no plan of her own to prevent pregnancy, but since her boyfriend had already been embarrassed by being sent home from his mission because he left his girlfriend pregnant, he now knew enough to pull out and cum on her belly, which surprised her and grossed her out. But I guess she got used to it. It wasn't safe sex, but we'll call it cautious sex. Point is, she had nothing to do with the fact that she didn't get pregnant. So you can imagine my anger when she was talking about her cousin who was sent home from BYU because she was pregnant, and said "I just don't know how a girl could be raised in the church, then go off to BYU and get pregnant". I was so offended that i wouldn't talk to her for at least a week. So it's times like that that I will get angry and bring up the past, and remind her that she did the same thing. In fact, I lie in wait because she continues to do it.

It was difficult then and is difficult still. I sometimes obsessed over her boyfriend, because he was always somehow physically close, never living far away. But two years ago, after four failed marriages, and died alone in his rented apartment. He had no money, and his son had to do a Go Fund Me to raise $8,000 to pay for his burial. I only hope that she sees me as more of a success after 43 years in a good job with a safe and good retirement, and plenty of money to at least get myself buried.

Wow, had you both not been TBM, dating and sex could have been a great memory. Stupid cult... I am very glad I did not go to BYU. I had the opportunity once.

Yeah, me Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Yeah, this happened to me. I apologize for the
> long story that follows. Maybe you'll find it
> titillating, though, and read it til the end.
>
>
I was in a similar situation. I tried to forgive her but no matter how hard I tried I could never look at her the same way. I would get so angry when I thought about it. We dated about a year after I got home but I finally decided that I needed to move on because I didnt feel I could ever let it go. I sometimes wonder what life would be like if I had of married her and if I would still think about being "betrayed" after all these years.

She was also a timid girl and I was really nice to her when we met. I think at that age many girls just want to be treated badly by a "bad guy" for awhile then settle down with the nice guy.

"She, like many other women, always confused abusiveness with manliness, and was always ready to fall into an abusive relationship. I find this weird, but so many women do this. Perhaps some gentle reader here could explain why that is."

The obvious thing that comes to mind is that they drew that vision of men from the men in the lives previously, particularly father or proxy father ;-)

I haven't known many women like that, but I'm far away and in a very different culture. Nevertheless, you may have something in terms of Mormon women who may well be conditioned in this way to some extent, because the Mormon church is so patriarchal and male-oriented, relegating faithful women to a subservient role, at best supporting their future gods

;-) or :-/ as you will.

Tom in Paris

Sounds like a big deal the way everyone talks about it. But I can't get anyone to fill me in on the details.

++++


But seriously, after I left and went on my mission, someone I had dated a couple of times started writing to me. I didn't know her real well. But I liked her, so I was thinking maybe after my mission we would pick up where we left off and get to know each other better.

Then the letters abruptly stopped coming. Big mystery. After my mission was over, I found out that she had gotten pregnant and then married her boss at her place of work. Mystery solved, I guess. I still don't know what to make of it all. I kept trying to figure out what the "moral of the story" was, but nothing solid ever came to mind.

They say "the heart wants what the heart wants." Same must be true of some other organs.

I never ever lumped love and sex together. Never seriously connected them but that is another long story. Sometimes they make a great team but mixing and matching often works out very well also.

I knew a girl in our town who went to Canada and "visited" her boyfriend on his mission. Yes. You can get pregnant with only one try.

I went to high school with a guy who went on a mission and his fiance got pregnant and married another guy. She divorced this guy and then married the RM when he got back. They have had a wonderful life together. The heart wants what the heart wants even if it comes with somebody else's children.

Virginity is so common. Everybody gets one. I like the more rare things in life.

I love your saying "Virginity is so common. Everybody gets one." I feel that my years growing up in the cult really skewed my perspective on just how important virginity is to keep. Being a virgin was paramount to having a happy life. Now I wonder if the opposite is true. Not that it is bad to be a virgin. I'm just saying that it would have been nice to be with a few more partners before I settled into a long-term commitment.

There has always been plenty of unmarried hide the sausage in the church. Finding out plenty of missionaries were not virgins and all the sausage hiding at BYU was an eye opener. Also having a job in a doctors office where I filed records and saw who had abortions was a real eye opener.

All I can say is there is plenty of hypocrisy for various reasons. It also drove it home many church members really don’t believe it. They put on a show for family and peers and do what they want in secret.

People like to have sex. They will have it regardless of what rules or commandments there are. People also don’t drive the speed limit.

> People like to have sex. They will have it
> regardless of what rules or commandments
> there are. People also don’t drive the
> speed limit.

Hey, hey, HEY! I have never driven faster than the speed limit while having sex! I felt I had to draw the line somewhere, and I did!

:) :) :)

I wrote to a girl my whole mission thinking we would link when I got home. Didn't happen. Learned later she was rather promiscuous while I was gone and later. Maybe I dodged a bullet.

I had a companion sent home for having sex. It was after we were companions, so I never did get the details. It surprised me as I never saw him do anything inappropriate when we were together.

Another companion and I baptized a girl we taught who was attending college in our town. My companion came back after his mission and married her. They tried to get permission for me to marry them, but that didn't happen. Not even sure it would have been legal.

hgc2 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I wrote to a girl my whole mission thinking we
> would link when I got home. Didn't happen.
> Learned later she was rather promiscuous while I
> was gone and later. Maybe I dodged a bullet.
>
> I had a companion sent home for having sex. It
> was after we were companions, so I never did get
> the details. It surprised me as I never saw him
> do anything inappropriate when we were together.
>
> Another companion and I baptized a girl we taught
> who was attending college in our town. My
> companion came back after his mission and married
> her. They tried to get permission for me to marry
> them, but that didn't happen. Not even sure it
> would have been legal.

Made the mistake of visiting one of my former mission areas a few years after my mission. I visited one family who used to feed us and help us out and the husband divorced the wife and she was horny and coming onto me. It was really awkward. I was in my early 20's and she was probably in her late 30's. I liked girls my own age and really didn't want to spend the night with a MILF so I got out of there in a hurry. Decided I was done visiting people there and headed for a nice restaurant and had dinner and enjoyed a few drinks alone.

My Freshman roommate waited until after his Sophomore year to go on his mission. While he was away his girlfriend became pregnant.

When he returned they married and he adopted the child.

I heard Rob Lowe cornholed a mormon girl. Her Mormon boyfriend couldn’t let it go.

I do know non-Mormons referred to SLC as the unofficial blow job capitol.

Maybe more drama telling about gals who DIDN'T do the Mattress Mambo while 'their guy' was a salesman for ChurchCo; ya think?


Oops, that could have been Back Seat Bingo too, ha ha

An important thing to keep in mind when thinking about whether or not [long]ism is good or not is to think of how not messed up people are because of Heavenly Father's sacred rules about sex in this peculiar and wondrous culture that's Utah-based. Whenever I'm perusing the Church's latest super detailed and very transparent statistical/financial reports on their public website I'm reminded that its this level of complete honesty/transparency that sets the tone on whether or not this beloved Church of ours has any rights at all to try to sacredly micromanage our sex lives. Thanks to how the Correlation program has engineered and groomed me to have my brain programmed to think I'm super inclined to have the Church just totally manage/control my sex life.

While a priest in my ward, one evening I saw the girlfriend of a good friend (who was on a mission) having sex in the church parking lot. Seriously, we were walking past an SUV and looked inside...she was fully engaged. When she saw me, she freaked out. Came running out.."don't tell him.." She knew she had been busted.

If the SUV's rockin' don't tell my missionary boyfriend!