I did.


I recently heard an old phrase that I used to hear regularly, constantly, decades ago:

"Without The Church my life would be meaningless."

From the pulpit, usually, teary eyed, cracked voice in such a grateful, if slightly forced, tone. I wouldn't give anyone I heard say it an Oscar for their performance. Never rang true even as a young TBM.

Also have heard the same sentiment put a thousand other ways but all point to life only having meaning because of Mormonism---thereby insulting everyone who is not Mormon with the accusation that their lives have no meaning, and at the same time admitting that they themselves are nothing on their own---useless, weak, and stupid--or summed up, the play things of Satan wandering aimlessly in the lone and dreary world like everyone else on the planet.

Because of the heavy claim that only the One True Church can give the One True Meaning to life, and many of us believed that at one time--that urgency of knowing the meaning of life clings to the heel of the shoe as one exits the stall they occupied in Mormonism. And, is often discussed here.

Newly hatched Exmos often ask, "What now? Why does life even matter? What the hell is the meaning of *meaning* now?" I guess, that "depends on the meaning of the word 'is,' is." (Couldn't help it.)

So many will say, *this* gives my life meaning. *That* gives my life meaning. My loved ones give my life meaning. My life's accomplishments. The beauty around me. Birds and sunsets. Jason Momoa.

I would not argue, but . . .


From a review of Frans de Waal's "Mama's Last Hug" :

"Emotions are our body's way of ensuring we do what is best for us." Unlike instinct--which leads to preprogrammed, rigid responses--emotions "focus the mind and prepare the body while leaving room for experience and judgement." Emotions "may be slippery," he writes, "but they are also by far the most salient aspect of our lives. They give meaning to everything."


The ability to feel.

The fact that a touch can reduce me to tears. The fact that I can laugh so hard I fall. The breath leaving my body to make room for a beautiful sight serendipitously making a a sudden appearance. The palpable pleasure of forgiveness. The warmth rushing down the spine as we realize we are understood--one of life's greatest gift. The dull constant pain as I hold too much in. The tingle as we feel that others are feeling too.

Nothing matters if you can't feel--if your emotions don't infiltrate every cell.

I have felt many things in life--almost everything I would say. Deeply. Fathomously, cavernously deeply. Except I never felt a testimony. I never felt anything Mormon. And I don't believe for one billionth of a second that it had anything to do with my ability to feel. My instinct tells me that.

So yes. I said it once. I was ten.

Being ex Mormon gives my life NEW meaning: Beer, hard liquor, cigars, pipes, porn, independent thought. The list goes on.

I see your guiding emotions have a "certain" propensity. Love it.

Your Kool-Aid was spiked with LDS. I was out of my mind too.

You left mormonism only because you want to sin.

I can't say that I said the church gave my life meaning even. I didn't feel loss when I lost the church. I had already lost so much. The church was more of a relief in knowing that what I lost wasn't as significant as I thought. No worries about the celestial marriage, being sealed to my children, etc.

I did "feel" in mormonism, but as I said earlier today and other times, I always knew that I saw mormonism different than others. I didn't bear my testimony unless forced like at girls' camp when they'd have a circle testimony meeting every morning. BUT even if I felt in mormonism, it all came back to just my own feelings. I still have them, but I don't associate them with mormonism any longer.

I FEEL when I have gone without seeing my daughter for months at a time and she comes home. I FEEL when I see my dogs at the end of the day when I get home from work. My children and my dogs are the biggest reasons I FEEL. I actually had a lot of deep feelings by going to my boyfriend's son's wedding back in September, a wedding in which I was included in everything. On top of a mountain in Colorado. I felt beautiful for the first time in a long, long time just be what I experienced. I did feel when my daughter got married in many different ways, but it was definitely not the same as the other wedding. I had conflicted feelings the day of her wedding and after (definitely not over who she married).

I REJOICED when I figured out the church wasn't true. What a relief!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/16/2019 03:44PM by cl2.

Me, too, Cl2. I could barely conceal my joy at learning that mormonism was a scam.

I could never reach neutral buoyancy in mormonism. I could only float for a moment, and sink again. Always looking for a shallow end to climb out of. It was all shallow.

Now, I shamelessly expose feelings that mormons would smirk at, like some of my anthropomorphic thoughts--the deep feelings of animals--my refusal to kill a tree for a Christmas decoration--that a house has a spirit. (Try saying that in testimony meeting! hahaha)

Gosh, I love it all now.

I know what you mean, Done and Done. I was very emotional, creative, musical, and poetic, when I grew up, in California, away from most of the Mormon garbage. I loved deeply, too, and the two men I truly loved were both Atheist. My parents made me date Mormons, and sent me to BYU, but I never had that deep, soul-connection with Mormons. I married two Mormons, consecutively, and gave my life over to them, as I was instructed to do. They were both so cruel and horrible, that I never wanted to see them again. I feel that way about Mormonism as a whole. I never looked back.

Yet--I'm very attached to my children and grandchildren. They come first in my life! I'm still in love with the two Atheist men, but only as friends. They are happily married to normal women, and I was a Mormon fanatic. All's well that ends well.

I never bore my testimony--ever--even when Mormons tried to force me into it. I didn't like to pray, either. I would say, "For me, my testimony and prayers are private". Doesn't the Bible say to "pray in secret"?

I still weep when I see any dead creature, or anyone or anything in pain. I will not kill anything. I capture flies, spiders, and moths, carefully put them in a jar and take them out of the house, then let them go. By daughter is the same way. Any life, no matter how "insignificant" has meaning. Just try to create a gnat, with tiny little wings, eyes, a brain. Great scientists and all the knowledge of mankind can't create even one living cell.

Like Cl2, I felt no loss, when I left the cult. It left no void in my life that needed to be filled with something else. Yeah, I felt relief, too!

Getting Mormonism out of my life was a GAIN. My life has more meaning, more love, beauty, and intensity! A poem and even a dumb movie can make me cry, but religion failed to move me (except for anger, LOL.)

I always feel such a kinship with you, exminion, as I do with so many here. One reason is I feel like many of us could use the same nickname for ourselves as I do for myself: " The Late Bloomer."

I feel like I got such a late start in life because of Mormonism and even after leaving it took a long, long, time to feel like I was catching up. Your posts are always a glimpse into someone who has caught up on everything that really counts.

I used to say that without me the church would be meaningless. And it turned out I was right!

Except that apparently, I will always have a soft spot in my heart for the missionaries. Except when they try too damn hard to toe the corporate line. Even if it's only pretendzies.

"I used to say that without me the church would be meaningless. And it turned out I was right!"

Haha Damn straight you were right. You were probably their greatest hope for finding their humanity. How could you abandon them like that????

Nope. I'm the world's biggest skeptic so I was never completely sold and I'm a good bullshitter. My goal was to wake people up and make them laugh. I was the ward jokester. I never was that serious in church. I masked my lack of faith with charisma.

You make me wonder, why was I such a sucker. I wish I would have been one of the cool kids like you.

My "worse half" raised in the Church of England thought all the Bible stories were a ridiculous joke even as a kid while I was in awe of floods, and rivers of blood and staffs turning into snakes, not to mention the "purest" of boys praying in groves. Boy did I eat that up.

Good for you.

I saw a t-shirt printed with:

I'M SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID WHEN I WAS A MORMON.

Available in five colors.

words to similar effect.

We had several people in our ward who were really gunning to get the Oscars in the "Most Dramatic Testimony Performance" category.

One guy, one of the richest guys in the ward, was always doing the "I know..I KNOW...with every fiber of my being, as the Holy Ghost is my witness...that this work is true, holy and sacred and I would be nothing...NOTHING...without the Gospel in my life and...."

Then the blubbering would start, the tearful thanking of the lord for the wife and kids and [everything else unintelligible due to the blubbering].

When I first saw his performance as an impressionable 11-year-old, it was impressive and scary at the same time. Like what's the Holy Ghost doing to make that guy so miserable that he's crying like that?

After witnessing about 20 repeat performances over a period of several years, I realized it was just a routine he had developed. He never had any new material. It was like watching a stand-up comedian who uses the same material all the time in different shows. The first couple of times, it's funny. But after the 10th time, you're just looking at your watch, yawning and looking forward to going home to watch reruns on TV, and mouthing right along with the script as he performs: "I know with every fiber of my bean...."

Then we has sister "Special" in our ward. (Sort of related, I guess.) It was like she somehow got stuck on the adjective "special" and could never think of anything else to say to describe her love for the Church, the gospel and everything else.

As deacons, we actually called her "Sister Special" and giggled every time she used the word "special."

"Brothers and Sister, the Sabbath is always a special day and fast and testimony meeting is particularly special. I have felt so touched by each and every special testimony that I have heard today and the special feelings have prompted me to stand up today and bear my testimony. And we had a very special week this week in our home, as a special visitor came to see us. My cousin, who works in the hospital with children who have special needs.. yadda yadda yadda.." (We usually could get up to 20 or more "specials" in one testimony. Her Sac. Mtg. talks were the same deal.)

The routine.

Also, first thing I learned as part of the routine was to always say, "know." It wasn't rocket science.

Even as a kid my eyes had been opened to the tournament element of spirituality. I had been bearing my testimony from a very young age and was already a consummate professional by ten. I was with my family in fast and testimony meeting, getting ready to bear witness again, when a single mother who had moved to the ward, Lolita Pritchard,(not real name) twice divorced, with her oldest child my age, rose up and turned to face the congregation.


She was not a natural fit for this community—dyed black hair, heavy makeup, and always looking a little lost—but she worked hard at fitting in anyway. She always seemed so fragile, and probably was, especially that day as she stood and very shakily began to give her testimony.

It was the most embarrassed I had ever been for anyone else, ever. Me, at ten. I thought, 'How could she not know how to do this?'

The uneasiness that filled the air was palpable. She said, “I have always wanted to stand before you, brothers and sisters, and bear you my testimony that I know the church is true, that I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet, but I can only say that I believe the church is true, and I hope one day that I can say I know it is true, like all of you.” And then she didn’t even finish with “In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”

When she reached the part where she said "believe", instead of "know," there was a collective taking in of breath from the congregation that could have pulled a fifty-foot sailboat back to shore through the roughest seas.

I know she stayed faithful all her life. Don't know if she ever used the word KNOW or not. I hope not. I think for her believing was enough and she wasn't interested in the contest.

Honestly, my life didn't have any real meaning until I left the cult. As a Mormon I was told what to believe, what not to believe, what my opinion on different issues should be, what the blueprint for my life should be, etc., etc.

After Mormonism I decided all of those things for myself. Any beliefs or opinions I have are those I've determined for myself. Whatever I do with my life is based on values that are uniquely mine. For good or bad my life is my own.

My life in Mormonism was based on the same cookie cutter as everyone else's. After Mormonism I'm a custom build.

I’ll always have a soft spot for the missionaries. I think in my mind I forget that the man I fell in love with is no longer the missionary I fell in love with way back then. His life has moved forward and I’m stuck replaying memories. I’m pretty sure he would have chosen me had I stayed in TSCC. I never understood why some were such a blubbering mess on testimony Sunday. Some seemed to show sincere emotion but others it seemed were putting on a show and over the top. I just don’t think feeling the Holy Spirit has to be that dramatic, if you believe in that sort of thing of course.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/18/2019 01:13PM by catholicrebel.