ever really having an opportunity to be accomplished players of musical instruments.

Accordingly, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will be giving guitar lessons and piano lessons for the benefit of the spirits of dead people. The lessons will be received by temple-worthy members of the church who will, as proxies, be expected to attend each lesson and practice diligently for and on behalf of the deceased person whose name is assigned to them. This will be a long-term assignment for each member who is called to serve a "Temple Music Mission".

According to a highly placed source in the Church Office Building (who was last seen on the roof of that building): "The program is beginning with guitar and piano lessons initially because studies have revealed that those are the most popular instruments. But we expect that others may be added too. For example if we find indications that a particular person who died was a fan of Benny Goodman, we may be able to offer clarinet lessons by proxy for and on behalf of that person. Music is an important part of Celestial Kingdom life and people who died without mastering a musical instrument in this life, will not be able as spirits to obtain such skills, unless a living person with a physical body makes the effort on their behalf here on earth. The spirit will then have the choice as to whether or not they will accept the lessons and skills attained by their physical proxy."

The highly placed source went on to say: "The current prophet understands that the work for the dead is an immensely important part of being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ and has revealed that the limited scope of what has been done heretofore has just been the beginning. Members of the Church are encouraged to 'take their vitamins' because there is much more work to do for and on behalf of our ancestors. The promise of Elijah is open-ended. For example, we understand that the importance of obtaining driver's licenses for the dead is something that has often been impressed upon the mind of the Prophet in recent months. We expect that once parking lot expansions have been completed at many of our temples we will be able to implement an appropriate program to help the spirits of the dead master basic driving skills."

I'd like ghawd to reveal to Rusty and Wendy his plan for weight loss for those who have passed over to the other side.

Thanks for the laugh, it was much needed.

Hahaha(snort!)...

Makes as much sense as learning secret/sacred handshakes for and on behalf of those who are dead!

And let us not forget vaccinations for the dead! There is no end of work to be done.

Finally they have a good use for Internet porn. Fapping for the dead.

Dancing lessons for sure....and for sure the Mormoncult will make it a a point (or a book) to indicate which they approve and disapprove of.

Foreign languages are a must....by the way, I missed church meetings a lot (yes, hold your envy), so is there a special Holy Heavenly Language that will be spoken??? (besides Reformed Egyptian - that sneaky never-found JS language)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/15/2019 02:35AM by presleynfactsrock.

the most holy language. But the peepstone batteries all died before the Brethren could download much of anything other than "Pay Lay Ale" and a few odds and ends (like "Adam-ondi-ahman").

So, for the time being, it appears that the principal language of the marvelous works and wonders of the LSD Church is going to have to be English.

(I understand that new peepstone batteries have been ordered. But the guy who took the order was Moroni and he's the same guy who "misplaced" the golden plates. Yes, you heard that right. He didn't take them back to some sacred library in heaven. He lost them. So that may explain why the pre-paid order for new peepstone batteries has still not been filled, even though the order was placed almost 200 years ago. Turns out that Moroni has always been a major screw-up! I've got a good peepstone battery in my Stone of Gomer, but I'm not going to sell, gift or loan it to the Brethren.)

Wally, I hope you have those rechargeable Kolar batteries.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/15/2019 03:13AM by kathleen.

The recharging process is a real pain in the neck. Literally.

Among other things, you have to ingest a prescribed number of hallucinogenic mushrooms and, while under the influence, a friend has to bring in a live vampire bat and let it bite your neck...and during all of this you have to be holding the peepstone over your head in your right hand, while another friend slips ice cubes into your pants and then administers a high-torque (no less than 15nm) wedgie, all of which, when combined must result in a primal scream exceeding 130 decibels for 5 minutes.

Fortunately, this will result in a full recharge and one recharge is good for about 300 years. I had to do it 3 years ago when I noticed that it was almost impossible to read the glowing words in the stone even when I was using it in my black sombrero in a photographic darkroom with all the lights turned off. Since the recharge was done, I can now read the glowing words anywhere.

That's how I know that Joseph Smith's peepstone was already running low when he translated the golden plates. Stupid Moroni! He had one job to do and all he did was whine and come up with excuses. "It's tooo haaaard to find a vampire bat." "But it's tooo hard to find mushrooms!" "But I'm scared of wedgies!" Never trust a Nephite who goes around telling people how to spell his name by saying: "It's Moron with an i."