Note: I'm pretty young and suck at writing so sorry if this is hard to understand at some points.

I'm sorry, I know this post has probably been made a billion times. But I just have to vent my emotions somewhere.

I have been doubting the Church for the past few months, but have kept going back and forth. My bishop was recently convicted of sexual assault and that's mainly what started my doubts. I always went to church because my parents expected me to, and I hoped I would gain a "testimony" as I went. It never came. I started to try everything I could, like reading scriptures every night and praying often, but nothing ever came. I thought I was doing something wrong or maybe that god didn't want me. Then I considered the possibility that maybe it wasn't me that was the problem, it was the church. After literally 2 google searches I found this website along with r/exmormon over on reddit. I went down this huge Joseph Smith polygamy rabbit hole, that lead me to search things about other doctrine. Within a few hours, I had found almost everything I believed to be true growing up to be false. I feel so hurt and angry right now. But the worst thing of all, is the fear of telling my family.

My family members are all TBM's and my brother is on his mission. My parents take the church VERRRY seriously and have super strict rules in our house. They are very focused on "the gospel" and always try to incorporate it into everything. If I told them I didn't believe, they would be DEVASTATED! They already struggle with parenting and constantly believe they aren't doing enough because of the church (another one of the reasons I dont believe) and if I told them I don't believe, I feel it would just worsen the problem. I fear they would blame it on themselves and feel like they aren't good enough parents. I LOVE my parents and would hate for them to feel guilty about MY decision.

I also don't know how to let them know that I am serious about this. You see I'm only 14 and I have been going through this rebellious phase (which I've heard is normal) and I don't want them to think this is just some rebellious act. I want to let them know I'm serious about this but just dont know how.

I feel like I would be letting everyone down if I left as well. I would let down my parents, my friends, my family, my grandparents, my leaders, ect. The area I live in is almost all TBM's and my whole extended family are TBM's as well. I would probably lose lots of friends and close relationships I have developed if I came out. I feel like the church has trapped me, and made it as hard for me to leave the church as possible. They have brainwashed all of their memebers to think of exmormons as bad people and that you shouldn't associate with them. I wish I could just keep faking it, but I can't do that for much longer. My ward is seriously the worst and church is so painful to go through.

Please if you have any advice, share it. It would help so much right now.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/20/2019 01:05AM by bhar4517.

Welcome bhar4517.

You write very well. No worries.

> I know this post has probably been made
> a billion times.

You're right there. Maybe 2 billion.

>But I just have to vent my
> emotions somewhere.

Sure. It's good to do so, in a safe and reasonable fashion, as you are doing.

> My bishop was recently convicted of sexual assault
> and that's mainly what started my doubts.

Wow. That's a shocking one to deal with. Sorry to hear it. Sounds like you're trying to make sense of things, which is a big part of teenage years anyway. There are a lot of positives to that. During our early growing up years we are, of course, exposed mainly to our parents' ideas and beliefs as well as what we happen to be experience at school. At some point we start to take in information from other sources and as we grow and mature start formulating our own ideas and beliefs, independent of the youthful influences (which we are kind of stuck with anyway until we get older).

> I hoped I would gain a "testimony" as I went.
> It never came. I started to try everything I
> could, like reading scriptures every night and
> praying often, but nothing ever came. I thought I
> was doing something wrong or maybe that god didn't
> want me.

Multitudes of posters here have found this to be the case for them too. Turns out there isn't really a formula - church people and parents can make it sound like there is and that you're just not "doing it right" if you don't get the "right" answer, which to them, of course, is a confirmation of what they believe, or want to believe and what they want you to also believe (which most do with the best motives, especially parents). (On another note, it would be a poor kind of god who would reject a young person - how could that possibly make sense or be just?)

>Then I considered the possibility that
> maybe it wasn't me that was the problem, it was
> the church.

Good thought processes. You puzzled things through and came up with a reasonable possibility, worth being more fully examined - and there is nothing wrong or "sinful" about that. It's good to think! As well, to look for more information when you have a question of interest.

>After literally 2 google searches I
> found this website along with r/exmormon over on
> reddit. I went down this huge Joseph Smith
> polygamy rabbit hole, that lead me to search
> things about other doctrine. Within a few hours, I
> had found almost everything I believed to be true
> growing up to be false.

I'm ancient enough that we didn't do Google searches back when I joined the church. I couldn't even readily find books to help with research. (I'm in Canada and there weren't even any church bookstores about. Also, ordinary members weren't allowed to use the very small church library. I had to cross an international border to get to a store where they sold church books - but the problem there too was, they were *church* books - not unbiased). I wish I had done more and better research, especially apart from only church people and church resources and making decisions based on feelings - not the best approach - you're likely not going to find varied and objective information that way. Not when missionaries and leaders want you to get baptized in a big rush. Or in your case, when parents want you to be an active church member and a missionary if you're male (or even female these days).

>I feel so hurt and angry
> right now. But the worst thing of all, is the fear
> of telling my family.

This is to be expected. All of what you are feeling. It can be a huge shock to find out such startling information, especially at your young age, and it must seem so scary and overwhelming.

I am not full of amazingly great advice for you. Others here, especially those who grew up in the church, will be far better able to offer comfort and wisdom and perhaps some suggestions that will be of assistance to you, even if it's to lay low and bide your time until you're older. But I would say that you may find it better to wait a while, not tell the family yet, and keep on studying. Come to terms with your new knowledge first. You have a good few years yet before you can leave home. Do you need to cause great upheaval for yourself by telling them right away? Just a thought for you to ponder.

You have expressed your thoughts and feelings so well. It's not an easy situation for you, to be sure. I would take it slow. I also would not take too much responsibility on yourself to look after your parents and church leaders - you're the kid around there! It's their job to look out for you, not the other way around - although I understand what you're saying and why you would feel that way. You sound like a child any parent would love to have - thoughtful and family-oriented. As for the time you have to go before you can be somewhat more independent, I don't know what to advise. Other than to try and make it easier on yourself, not for selfish reasons but just that teenage years can be tough enough without attracting extra pressure. Don't accept more responsibility (for others' feelings) than is reasonable (which means not much, at your young age). And for the future, you eventually can't live your life according to what others want, especially when it comes to acting like you believe something if you don't. Read, read, read. Explore all the reliable information you have access to. Soak up knowledge. It will all be good for your future endeavours, whatever you end up doing.

I'm sorry - it's not an easy position for you to be in. And you've got some years to go yet before you can be more upfront about how you feel, what you're thinking and what you believe.

Maybe, as above, you could use the time to explore many avenues of learning about ideas and facts. That can only help you in the end. Try and focus on some exciting and positive ambitions you have, like which subjects you want to take at school and how you can learn a lot and what you'd like to do at various stages of your life.

I know it can feel so urgent to do and/or say something right this instant. It is so momentous for you. But take some deep breaths and resolve to take it slowly. You are not duty bound to say or do anything right away. Or for a good long while. Just look and listen and learn and store up all the information and ideas out there. Slowly you can figure out what you think and believe that can stay with you and be of benefit as you move forward. I'd say there's no point in causing grief for yourself by telling them right away, when you have to stay at home for at least a few years yet.

Read what others here will advise and take whatever helps you. Go slow. Be cautious. Try not to worry. It won't be the end of the world - really. I'm sorry though that you have to go through this. Soon, though, perhaps you'll look back on it and think things worked out OK in the long run - I sure hope so.

Keep reading and posting here if it helps you. There are plenty of people who have been where you are and they are always happy to answer questions and offer support.

Good luck to you. Take care.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/20/2019 02:41AM by Nightingale.

You say your parents are good people? That's a very handy situation to be in.

There are good people in the church. Be 'good' with them. Try to hold your rebelliousness in check. You'll have plenty of time after you're 18 for that.

about the church and about your ability to see it for what it really is.

When that happens, there's a natural desire to talk about it with others...but when the most significant people in your life are hyper-committed to believing in the very thing that you can no longer believe in, well...that's a problem.

But based on my own experience (big crisis of faith in high school), I would say that you shouldn't feel any need to rush things with your family. No need to have the big conversation until you feel ready and are in a good position to make your own way in life.

I stuck it out for 6 more years after my big crisis of faith in high school. Even did the mission thing, thinking that I would give the church every benefit of the doubt for a while longer to see if I could get a real testimony. (Of course it didn't work because the church is not true.)

After my mission I just gradually acclimated my family to my disbelief. I don't think I ever had a big conversation where I flat out told them I thought it was all a fraud. I started by not taking callings. Then I gradually dialed back my attendance at meetings. Stopped going to the temple. By the time I was in my senior year at university, I was 100% "inactive." I always figured someone in my family would ask me why I had no enthusiasm for church stuff anymore. If someone had asked me, I would have answered them truthfully and explained all of the reasons why I found it impossible to believe that the Church was really God's "restored" church and found it impossible to believe that Joseph Smith was the great prophet that he claimed to be.

Surprisingly, nobody ever asked my "WHY" I didn't believe. (Deep down, I suspect that they all know that they're caught up in an Emperor's New Clothes situation and they're just not ready to face the consequences of admitting that the emperor is naked. So they definitely don't want me to tell them why I don't believe. They don't want me pointing out the nakedness.

I have a good relationship with my family now. They're always a little sad that I've been out of the church for many years now. But I think one thing that made it easier on them is that I didn't suddenly change into someone who would be unrecognizable to them. I didn't start using drugs. I didn't start drinking alcohol. Didn't smoke. Didn't get into the hook-up/sleepin' around culture. I did start drinking coffee, but didn't go out my way to rub their noses in it. I pretty much stayed the same person I was before. Mostly polite, trying to show consideration for others. The only difference really was that I didn't park my butt in the chapel every Sunday and I didn't pretend like I thought the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith were the greatest things ever.

Just be patient. Sounds like your family loves you and you love them. You'll get through it okay and the time will go by fast. But if they're real sticklers for the "as long as you're under our roof, you'll live by our rules" kind of thing, you probably should be looking for a way to make sure that you'll be able to support yourself and be securely independent at some point a few years from now.

It's because unfortunately you *are* trapped for now. So sorry for your predicament, but you'll need to play along and do what your parents expect for now.

Making them understand that you're serious would make matters worse for you. They'd just tighten up the rules and come down harder.

I suggest that you drag your feet a little here and there. Try your best to get good grades and do your chores. Parents like that. You need them to be nice to you until you're ready to go off to college or to a place of your own. Four years seems like forever but you'll get there. I promise.

Your main concern needs to be NOT going on a mission. In a year or so, you need to drop hints that you won't be going or you need to wait for confirmation from God or until you're more mature or whatever.

We're here for you and have some understanding of what you're facing.

I tried to leave mormonism when I was too young to pull it off. I should have waited which is what I want you to do.

Your writing is great. You're a good person and I wish you the best. Take care.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/20/2019 06:47PM by Cheryl.

Welcome, Bhar.

You are right. We've heard your story many, many times. We never tire of hearing it. Welcome to the board.

It is in your best interest to stay quiet about your disbelief for now. Parents have a tendency to come down hard on their disbelieving offspring. Do what they expect you to do without protest (school, church, callings, seminary, etc.)

Your time will come. In your mind, you are already free. That is the important thing.

In the meantime, there are things you can do to prepare for your adult life. Study hard and get the best grades that you can get (use seminary time for extra study if you need to.) This will work in your favor for post-secondary school or training. Also, find employment as you are able and start putting money into savings. For now, it will have to be a custodial bank account that is also in your parents' name. The minute you turn 18, you withdraw the money and put it into your own bank account. You will need this money one day to move away from home.

Once you graduate from high school, you are free to move away and begin your own life, largely free from Mormonism. Even within the Morridor, there are places where an exmo can live and be happy -- Salt Lake City, Logan, Boise, Phoenix, etc. There are also lots of wonderful places further afield.

>>I feel like I would be letting everyone down if I left as well. I would let down my parents, my friends, my family, my grandparents, my leaders, ect.

You likely will be letting your family down, but live your own life anyway. Part of the process of becoming an adult is realizing that your parents will not always approve of everything that you do, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. A lot of young people start to establish their own lives once they go off to college or into the military. You are not alone in this.

We're here for you. Please come to us at any time if you have any questions or need any support.

One more thing -- you will probably find that some of your Mormon peers will start to go secretly off the rails once they hit high school -- surprising but true. It would be in your best interest if you save any "vices" (drinking, sex, etc.) for your adult life. Focus on preparing for your freedom. That is the best use of your time, energy, and resources.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/20/2019 08:23AM by summer.

Try to remember it’s all a show. It’s like your family going to a magic show and thinking the magic is real. But the magic isn’t the point. Entertainment is the point. You should just play along.

It was hard for me to get over the church being completely bogus, but it’s just another social situation. You might as well make the best of it. Think of it as training for life. Keeping your mind while those around you are losing theirs is a nice skill to have.

Here’s some Lenka: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=M_-qbbCsAeM



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/20/2019 07:10AM by babyloncansuckit.

I too admire your writing skills. Congratulations.

What worked well for me at age 14 was to lose myself in books.

I went to the library and read every word that John Steinbeck wrote. It shaped much of my life. I became unafraid of adventure. I got a Schwinn 10-speed bike and took off across the USA with no money in my pocket, and no sleeping bag clothes or anything except a tire flat tool kit, that was strapped to my seat.

I met many cool people. In the desert, near Goffs, a miner taught me to pee a circle so snakes would not bug me when I slept. In Las Vegas a couple took me in and we shared a never-to-forget weekend of life stories that no movie could touch.

In Richfield, Utah, a Bishop with a gorgeous daughter had me in for lunch. They let me shower, and washed my clothes while I took a nap.


In Salt Lake, Dan Valentine from the Salt Lake Tribune interviewed me. It was the first time I ever made the newspaper.


My body was like steel. My spirit was even stronger. I learned that fear was a factor only if I let it be.


Sadly, I settled down soon after and became as boring as most other normal people.

Work became my sanity.

Then, as I made it through my 20's, goals took over.

Many children came to me through several beautiful women.

Today I stand at the threshold of being an old man. This is a miracle, as my High School Counselor said I'd commit suicide before the age of 21.

I can hold up my bumps and scrapes to any other man or woman, and walk away proud. My health is near-perfect, I don't know a thing about math, mechanics or who is most popular right now. But I've exposed myself to the brightest philosophical minds of my generation, so I'm solid.

I escaped the cult at age 30, and never wish to mire myself under the thumbs of anyone, anywhere.

The universe seems to like me. Every now and then, I get real lucky.

If there is a God, He has left me totally alone, which I appreciate.

I look forward to death, as the sweetest reward possible for a man who worked hard and paid his own way.

I love good foods, clouds, conversations that go deep and music.

I bother some folks, but who doesn't?

My advice to you is to find your own way, on your own terms. Keep a Journal. Write your thoughts, and always accumulate quotes. You exist to experience, learn, improve and come out much more tolerant and compassionate than when you began.

Stress sucks. It ages you without apology.

Never forget that.

And always ask for help if you need it.

People are cool, if you're authentic and humble.

Travel or die.

Good luck.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8YGf7d7GsA

I went through what you are going through when I was your age, only it wasn't my faith I was questioning so much as everyone around me.

I was TBM and so was most everyone else in my sphere of influence. When I rebelled it was with teens in my area.

Please don't fall off the rails if you can help yourself stay clean and sober.

My parents divorced by the time I was in high school, that helped send me further down the rabbit hole. My oldest brother was on his mission during that time. Us younger children endured the worst of that fallout.

Keep questioning. It isn't a bad thing to have a questioning mind. it is what you're taught once you escape the cult mindset and move out to go to college someday in the not too distant future. Keep working toward that goal. Or at least becoming independent to where you'll be able to be free and living on your own able to make your own decisions as to where to worship and what to believe etc.

That day will come sooner than not, trust me.

You're very young. Time is on your side. Make the most of the years you have left growing up to prepare for adulthood.

You'll get there.

One of my cousins is a retired civil engineer, in his 80's now. He left the cult many moons ago. His mother was a devout TBM, and one of my favorite aunts. I loved her like a mother. He says to me when we've spoken that Mormonism to him is a wonderful heritage to have been born into, with a rich tradition of folklore. That's how he looks at it now. Half his family is still in the cult. And that's fine with him. His life turned out well despite his leaving it.

He's still close to his family to this day. You can be close to yours if you and them are willing to not let the religion thing come between you. If they can't, don't let that cloud your judgment. You can still be your own person. It may be harder without your family's blessing and approval, but you have to live with yourself.

You don't need to worry about that yet, because the future is far enough away that what you need to focus on for now is getting from here to there. Grow up, get your high school diploma, and then move on and upward. Your life is just beginning. The best is yet to be.

You've received a lot of good advice. I have something to add. You worry about disappointing your parents, family, and friends. Everyone worries about disappointing the people who love us. But don't let that worry become more important than living your own life.

I spent so many years trying to live the life that was expected of me, of trying to make my parents proud. I was an Eagle Scout, went on a mission, graduated from BYU, etc. After graduation the bottom fell out of my life and I went through a severe depression that took me 10 years to work my way out of.

The sad fact of life is that you're not ever going to please everyone. Let's say you believed in the church, went on a mission, married in the temple, you're parents would still be disappointed about things in your life. They might not approve of the family your wife came from, might not agree with your career choice, disagree with where you decide to live your life or how you choose to raise your kids.

My advice to you is live your life honestly in the way that makes the most sense to you. Yes, your parents will probably be disappointed if you reject the church. But in the end your parents will have to find a way to deal with their disappointment. You are not responsible for your parents' happiness or unhappiness. We all want our parents to be proud of us, but we can't control how they'll react to the way we choose to live our lives.

I'm envious you've figured out at 14 what took me decades of life to realize. But at the same time your age makes things difficult. I agree with the others - try to stay under the radar, learn to become independent and try to save money. When you're 18 you'll be in a good position to leave home and live life according to your own rules. I know four years seems like forever, and I'm sorry we don't have a better solution for you.

Just remember you can post on this board anytime you need advice, or just need to vent. We've all been through what you're going through and we'll all do what we can to make it easier for you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/20/2019 01:03PM by bezoar.

Sometimes disappointing people is a sign that you are on the right path.

I agree with those who say this is not the time to share. No one, including you parents, has a right to know everything you think and feel. Play your hand like a poker champion. I would say this is not the right time to lay your cards on the table.

An old saying that serves well: Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice.