I hope there is Peace for everyone involved, including your dad too...
just me: I hope you'll find peace perhaps forgiving your dad, to some extent we're all products of our upbringing. Many if not most Mormons are easily influenced / indoctrinated into harmful choices & actions.
Peace Out, bro.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/26/2019 11:34PM by GNPE.
Don't expect all those horrible memories to fade, right away. It doesn't happen that way. It's not quite 18 years since my mother died, and I still get nightmares sometimes. Not nearly as often, however.
I read that he was surrounded by loving family members, which causes me to believe that you were not there.
When my alcoholic and abusive father died, none of us were there, because he was living in a half-way house in Bakersfield. We chose the cheapest casket possible (because my sister and I had no money, and someone else was paying), and shipped him by train to be buried in Boonville, IN. Are kids a burden? Thppppt. Parents are the real burdens.
You are not obligated to "forgive", you know. That is not your burden. You've had to put a lot of energy into recovering, and into moving forward.
One of my PTST-generated mottos is "Love those who can love you in return."
My genteel, proper mother told me, when my Narcissistic ex Mother-in was acting out, and I was agonizing over what to do to make things better: "She is not worthy of your consideration."
Your father was never worthy of your consideration, and now he's gone. Open the windows! Open the doors! Let in the fresh air!
By the time my father died there had been SO many "he won't make it long" moments, I mean like 20 years of it, that it was just kind of like "Oh, it really happened." I waited to feel something, but never did. I realized that the times when I felt ok being around my dad--when my kids were young and enjoyed their grandparents as he enjoyed spoiling them, were long gone. There was just no new-found sense of loss. I'd already been through that years prior.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/28/2019 10:17AM by lachesis.
donbagley Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > He died in his Zion: St. George, Utah. The report > was that he died peacefully, not that I care. He > was 84.
He probably didn't like you that much either, I gather
Maybe there was someone else in his life who was more important to him (& vice versa) from decades ago, someone you don't even know about
People have secrets
Who can figure out all the causes & effects and conditioning that go into making up a personality. Your dad's father and his father before him and so on.
Don Your stories about growing up and your abusive father frequently pop into my head when I talk to others about growing up in dysfunctional families. Especially, since we are around the same age. You are an amazing writer and your growing up stories are powerful and I hope therapeutic.
I nothing about your father or your relationship, but I will suggest forgiveness, not because he deserves it, but because you deserve it.
We can't move on in our life if we hold onto anger, we need to forgive others just as we would like to be forgiven, you might say you haven't done anything that needs to be forgiven, but we all have done things that are wrong, some minor some major, we will all get what we deserve in the end.
It is best for YOU to try and forgive him and move on, of course that is not easy, but it will do you no good to stay angry and blame even if blame is justified, it simply does you no good.
That is a common sentiment. I'm not entirely sure it's always true. It may be for some and not for others. Everyone's experience and adaptation is different.
In a deep vault, the door to which is sort of blocked from view by a potted plant, is where I store my memories of those who malevolently did me wrong, who knew they were lying when they lied and who were satisfied that the harm they were doing to me was a good thing. This vault is climate controlled, pest-proof and has a good alarm system.
Forgive? Not a chance. There is no statute of limitations.
elderolddog Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > In a deep vault, the door to which is sort of > blocked from view by a potted plant, is where I > store my memories of those who malevolently did me > wrong, who knew they were lying when they lied and > who were satisfied that the harm they were doing > to me was a good thing. This vault is climate > controlled, pest-proof and has a good alarm > system. > > Forgive? Not a chance. There is no statute of > limitations.
There was a girl in preschool who had one of those candy necklaces you know, self-explanatory, and I wanted to look at it but the string ended up breaking and scattering the little candy pieces all over and she told on me and I got in trouble but I did NOT intend to do that. Total lie! I still remember it forty years later
"Forgive? Not a chance. There is no statute of limitations."
I have been told - probably more times than I can remember - that forgiveness is MANDATORY. Some prior unkindnesses have indeed been forgotten. But there have been a very few people in my life whose behavior caused pain that I don't think I deserved.
If I wanted to forgive them, I don't know where it would start, what it would look like or feel like. Their behavior toward me was malignant. It took its toll, as malignancies do.
None of them ever expressed regret for what they did, so they can just simmer in their own juices.
Forgive? Maybe some day. Not yet. "No statute of limitations."
My asshole father died two years ago this month. I laughed when I was informed because the world instantly became a better place.
There were no services but I wouldn't have gone anyway. He was cremated; if he'd been buried I'd have gone to his plot and laced it with salt to prevent any grass from growing there.
Even though we've never met, I was shocked to read about your father dying. What kind of emotions you must be feeling.
I don't believe for one minute you did anything that needs to be forgiven. You were born as his son and you had no choice in the matter. He was someone who should never have been a dad. I'm glad you raised your son with love and caring. You are a deep and caring person. Your personality reminds me a lot of 2 of my brothers, 2 of my nephews, and my son. You are too emotionally intelligent to deal with the type of people that your dad was.
As others have stated, I hope this gives you some peace.
No matter who our parents were in life, it's a loss when they die.
We each grieve in our own way. Don will grieve in his. Maybe his dad's passing will be a cause for celebration. If not now, perhaps in time.
Peace comes after the grieving. Let the healing begin.
Is it necessary to forgive in order to let go of old hurts? That would depend on the hurt/s and the anger. I believe it's possible to let go of the hurt and anger without forgiving the offender.
There are some hurts and traumas that don't merit forgiveness IMO. Abuse is one of them.
Some times there can be no resolution to old hurts. For other times it may suffice if there can be acceptance, resignation, and finally some form of letting go so there can be some sense of peace and closure. If that is possible. It isn't always.
Don, Be kind to yourself. Dysfunction in families/parents/ whatever can make for complicated feelings especially when death shows up on the door step to claim it's booty
Thanks, all. I will not attend his funeral in St. George, Utah. The man never changed. Within the last three years of his life he sold his house and moved twice, just like always. My father was a traveler who burned through people and towns. He died surrounded by family members he paid. Two received houses, and the others got occasional checks from him for being, or pretending to be, Mormons. The man was that shallow. All he ever gave me was a hard time. I repudiated his Mormon cosmology and always will. He died surrounded by phonies, and I expect his funeral to be attended by the same. I am free. Thank you, and big love to you, my friends.
One of the most insidious doctrines of the church is that you pick your family. That's a load of you know what. You can, however, pick your friends and they can be so much better than family ever was.
elderolddog Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > I am reminded of that old country & western song, > "I peed on her grave but her boot prints on my > heart still puddle when it rains".