Posted by:
nomonomo
(
)
Date: July 06, 2019 03:26PM
Thanks for the thoughts, everybody.
I'm no expert on dreams, but I agree that they are probably the subconscious sort of working through things. Perhaps the more a given thing consumes your daytime conscious thoughts, the more it intrudes on your dream state. And the fewer stressors you have, the more your dreams are free to deal with whatever, maybe happier stuff. At least that's been my experience.
Anyway, grief has certainly fueled my dreams over the last couple years.
I suspect that this particular dream struck me yesterday because it's a distinct change from my earlier grief-related reoccurring dreams.
The earliest were dreams where my wife and I were not in control. For example, someone at a church might be badgering her to sing, or do something, and I'd be saying, "can't you see she's sick?" Or a teacher would say, "put your chairs up and leave the room," and I'd be saying, "we can't leave, she's sick."
The next phase was marked by dreams in which I was clearly losing her. For example, she'd have gotten on the wrong bus or train, and I'd be frantic because it was pulling away without me (and she was sick and needed me).
I didn't have these dreams every night, but frequently enough to recognize the patterns. And if it's fair to say that a lack of these dreams was a third phase, that was it. She appeared in my dreams less and less frequently, happy or sad. Phase 2's ending seemed almost a recognition that after being her full-time caregiver for nearly two years that she no longer needed me. And they came at a time in which I also stopped feeling like she was just upstairs when I was downstairs, or out shopping and would pop through the door at any minute. Believe it or not, when I realized that I no longer had those fleeting thoughts, it hit me pretty hard. And the lack of related dreams struck me too. Sadly, I dream about her less and less.
Grief is a weird process, and there's a lot of duality. For example, as you move forward you feel better, but you also feel bad for "letting go." I loved my wife dearly (still do, always will), and hate letting her go. But I really have no choice but to live without her.
This new dream struck me yesterday because it was so different than the previous ones. I thought about it a lot yesterday. At first I thought the pastoral lake and forest might represent a heaven-like place, her new neighborhood, so to speak. That I had inadvertently journeyed there somehow, but obviously couldn't reach her. But what kind of place is it where you don't live with your wife? Where it may not be appropriate to see her, and you have to try to find out if it's ok...? And it isn't?
After more contemplation though I started to think that the pastoral scene, and the nice top-down road trip through it actually represents my life, things getting better. But the contrast of the winter storm is also my life. It's that duality. My car and I can deal with the snow and ice because we'll get through it. My life is improving, although she's not in it. But what about feeling like I was in her neighborhood? She did love a top-down country drive, or even a drive in the snow. I'm doing the things she loved, only without her. Maybe that's both her neighborhood and my heaven, or vice versa.
As I write this it occurs to me that perhaps both explanations are equally valid. Life is complex and multifaceted. And, for that matter, it was only a dream.
The truth is, she's everywhere I go, in my thoughts and memories. More memories than thoughts as time progresses. And duality? I also believe that she's in that proverbial better place. At a minimum, she's out of physical pain and earthly torments.
Anyway, perhaps this begins phase 4 of my grief-related dreams, in which I reluctantly acknowledge she's gone, and that I have to live without her.
Thanks again for your thoughts, everyone. And thanks for "listening." :)