Posted by:
Breeze
(
)
Date: August 04, 2019 02:04PM
Oh, Doobydoo, I have been where you are! I have PTSD, too.
Summer's advice is great!
I read books on assertiveness, and took a class in assertiveness training, as part of my business curriculum. All the books are good. "When I say NO I feel guilty" had actual dialogs, of what to say to pushy, obnoxious people, similar to what Summer suggested. I used to practice these dialogs. Some of the Mormon men in my family were had no respect for others, yet my parents forced me to have relationships with these bullies, on the threat that my parents wouldn't love me anymore. I did draw a firm boundary, that they must not bully my children. They tried, and I had to curtail my visits to my parents' house and to family reunions. Instead, I had my parents come alone, and stay at my house for visits in the summers, and at Christmas--and we had a lovely times together.
Coping with family abusers is something you must do. It is a lot of bother, but your happiness is worth the trouble, no matter what you decide to do. Sometimes, I have had to "run away," but that is NOT a cowardly thing to do, when your happiness and the happiness of your family is at stake. There is no gold standard for exemplary behavior, when dealing with abusers. You try to do no harm, and you try to be as kind as possible, but firm boundaries must be set. Sadly, sometimes "no contact" is the only ultimate solution. In your case, "limited contact" is the best compromise.
Already, you are coping very well. You are in problem-sloving mode, and asking advice. Your proactive attitude will do a great deal to alleviate your anxiety. You can depend on YOURSELF to protect yourself from harm! Planning ahead helps me get rid of anxiety. Plan some "escapes".
You are wise to not let this situation ruin your relationship with your husband. In my experience, you really can't depend on someone else to intervene on your behalf. You need to do this for yourself. When someone does intervene, it is a pleasant surprise! My children have stood up for me, several times, and I have been proud of them for that! Your husband might surprise you! I suppose he invited those relatives, so don't feel guilty if you leave him alone with them. As you said, it's your husband's house, too. He can help you with the cleaning, making their beds, cooking their meals, and entertaining them. Yes, it's extra difficult, when they are actually staying in your house.
You could help your husband plan activities for the men, like an all-day round of golf, or a drive to see the marvels of the Utah canyon lands, or a fishing excursion. Have them camp out somewhere--lol! Take them to a movie.
How much you need to avoid these males, depends on how abusive they are.
I caught my brother going through my desk files, so I took my tax and financial and personal files to my office. My brother would snoop in my children's drawers, so I would lock their rooms, when I left for work. I set the boundary that he wasn't allowed at the office. When you set a boundary with a bully, be prepared to struggle to maintain that boundary! Stay strong!
Anyway, I decided that he could not come into my house at all, let alone stay there for 2 weeks at a time. My TBM parents never accepted the truth, so I had to lie: my kids and I were sick and contagious, I was going to be out of town on business, I would be busy with a business symposium. We had other house guests. Whatever it took!
I offered to pay for a motel for my brother, and my parents pitched in, too, but he still came to my house to spend the day, and for meals. I changed the locks to my house, but he had the neighbors let him in! Manipulative sociopaths like my brother can usually get their way!
I used to get almost hysterical, in anticipation of my brother's visits. He would criticize everything, and would report back to my parents, every detail. If a bed wasn't made, if my children watched a non-approved TV show, if he found evidence of coffee in my kitchen, if I wasn't wearing my garments, my TBM family would hear about it.
It's important to protect your privacy, so you won't feel "invaded." Lock up private things, like your medications and birth-control stuff. Keep your master bedroom locked. The Mormon home teachers snooped in my medicine cabinet--I caught them--and also in my kitchen--I was clean--no drugs or alcohol or coffee. Wear opaque clothes, so they can't see if you are wearing Mormon garments. It's not being paranoid. It will help you feel more secure and in control.
You will probably have to cook meals for these men. You can spend time away shopping for groceries. When you prepare meals, you can say that you like to be left alone to concentrate on your cooking. Most conversations happen at the dinner table, so get up and down from the table, to serve everyone. Then, when they are visiting after dinner, be in the kitchen cleaning up and doing the dishes. It's summer, and barbecues are the best! Have your husband do the cooking, and you can fuss around the yard and pull weeds, sweep the patio, chase bugs, etc.
Use your i-phone a lot. Talk with friends. If the stake president's conversation gets churchy, excuse yourself from the room with a phone-call, or something you have to do.
You aren't required to give an answer, as Summer says.
Learn how to change the subject. Have the TV on. Watch the news, or read the paper. You will be "present" for your guests, without "engaging" with them, if you know what I mean. Smile, and be pleasant and polite.
Your plan sounds like a great one! I used to escape to my work, when the bullies were around. Your work is a part of your life those males can't touch (hopefully). You can breathe at work. You have friends there. You are respected for what you do. I would tell my brothers I had an appointment, and go to the office after hours and work ahead, on future projects. I would drive up the canyon and read. It would feel good to get out of the house. I would go to lunch or dinner with a friend, and say it was a pre-planned birthday party that I couldn't miss. I don't have any guilt in lying to liars.