Posted by:
exminion
(
)
Date: September 02, 2019 12:47PM
Yeah, sacrament meeting was the most interesting of all the boring Mormon meetings.
I liked it when new people in the ward would get up and introduce themselves. One woman was the ex-wife of a politician, who had had a scandalous affair with a hooker on his yacht in LA, that was all over the media. Her testimony was that she would like to like to serve as chorister, or in some musical capacity, and that, also she was "single and available" and owned her own house, and would make someone a "very nice wife" wink-wink. This woman did say that she was grateful to move into her beautiful house in our ward, and that she felt The Lord had guided her here, and that she "felt she was destined to be the chorister"! The more she talked, the more brazen she became. Sure enough, she was put in as chorister (with no musical talent, whatsoever) and married the neighborhood's wealthiest man (a pig). I ran into her at the bank, and she told me they had just gotten off the plane from her honeymoon, and she made her new husband stop at the bank on the way home, to put her name on all of his accounts. He soon divorced her, and she married a top seller in a vitamin MLM, and ended up losing her house because of his business scams.
Another single woman in our ward was living with her mother, with her two boys, and she introduced herself, and had her son sing a hymn, which was off key, and very slow and tedious, and had everyone squirming, and when he was finished, she whispered in his ear, "second verse." Someone groaned! The little boy ended up singing all three verses. Then she said, "Oh, my younger son wants to sing, too", and he also sang all three verses. Everyone wanted to scream! These two women are examples of how Mormon singles often pimp themselves in testimony meeting.
We get a lot of thinly-disguised sales pitches for MLM's and home-based business, such as interior decorating, Christmas decorating, selling lingerie, Mary Kay cosmetics, Melaluka, etc. Parents would promote their kids for lawn care, snow plowing, even babysitting.
I do love it when testimony bearers try to segue their sales pitches and brag sessions into thanking Heavenly Father, to "make it relevant", as Dagny says.
Our favorite was "The Hamster Story." I wish I had this word-for word, and told by the crazy mom, because that's what made it funny. The mom into great detail about how their family hamster went missing, and how she was afraid it had drowned in the toilet, or had run out into the street and gotten "mashed" by a car etc. We were trying so hard not to laugh. After three days of hysterical searching, they were afraid the hamster had died of starvation by then, and they knelt in prayer, led by the priesthood-bearing father, praying that they could at least find the body and have "closure." The father then went into the basement, and there was the hamster, alive and well! The testimony bearer was crying, so we felt safe to wipe away our tears of laughter. I know, it's just another version of the "lost-keys testimony."
And then there were the travelogues, which were entertaining. I especially enjoyed the Mormons' interpretation of their experiences in foreign places. One woman got separated from her husband in a train station in Italy, in the daytime, for almost 15 minutes! Alone, and unable to speak the language, she thought she was going to get mugged, raped, or murdered. She was "surrounded by strangers--ITALIANS!" I snickered out loud at that! So, she prayed very hard, and she "called upon her husband's power of the priesthood", and miraculously, her husband found her.
Our bishop had to announce from the pulpit that there were to be no more travelogs. How disappointing! But, it was funny to have people make an effort to disguise their travelogs, after that. "We had a spiritual experience, when we were in Paris...." The announcement didn't stop the testimonies about "airplane conversions," though. I think it was the GA's who started that fad.
I do miss the crazy Mormon characters.